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Thread: I feel like breaking NC after 2.5 months of break uo

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    afraidofhurt
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    Default I feel like breaking NC after 2.5 months of break uo

    Hi everyone,

    This is my first post in this forum. Below is my story and it has been 2.5 months since he broke up with me and 1.5 months since I initiated NC. I added him back to my Skype but I am not sure if I am doing the right thing.

    ------------------------------------------------------

    We met in college and started dating when we were 20. After 3 months into the relationship I moved in with him, although prior to that we were practically inseparable. Things were good and we seldom fought, probably we were still in honeymoon stage. After we graduated from college we moved to another city together for grad school. That was when our first huge fight broke out, I got an opportunity to transfer to a better school but I would be required to move to another city. He freaked out and got really mad. I had never seen him so angry for the first time. I thought of breaking up with him because I valued my graduate career. However, my family and he successfully persuaded me to stay in the same city and continue my study. We did fight over this issue couple times after that, however we managed to move on. Things went back to normal, we lived basically like a married couple.

    Two years ago, he proposed to me and I happily said yes. Things were great and we couldn

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    Firstly, welcome, and I'm so glad you decided to share your story.

    My heart really goes out to you and the second thing I want to say is this - this breakup is not your fault. If your gut instinct says he had developed feelings for someone else (and his response to you when you asked that question directly would certainly indicate so) then trust it. People don't just fall out of love in an instant - it's either there or it isn't. You know how you felt when you were with him. You've stated that your thoughts were for him and his wellbeing - like Skyping twice a day in case he was lonely.

    Well, here's the money question - did he display the same concern for your wellbeing during your relationship/breakup? And we're talking actions here; not cheap words. Actually, I'm a little bit angry for you and would honestly love a good rant at this guy! (ok, so not really because I hardly know him, but you know what I mean!). Look at the facts:
    1. He fails to support you when you had the opportunity to move to a better college. That's some serious messing with your future there. And for what reason? Because you were his woman and it was your duty to stay where he was? What are you, his mother?? That, to me, is one massive red flag that he was always going to view your needs as less important than his. After all - it was fine when he had to go away and you waited for him, right?

    2. He ends your relationship with a distinct lack of consideration, compassion or honesty. And his behaviour since has been reprehensible - he asks to be friends, then treats you coldly? Are you supposed to bounce back to him each time he throws you away?

    In my view, he literally is treating you like a plaything and the red flag plus other behaviour says to me that this is a man who likes to be in control.

    Your actions indicate to me that you are a thoughtful and bright person - that says you deserve so much more. I honestly believe that given time, you will look back on this relationship from a much better place and wonder what the heck you were doing. But you must give yourself time to heal with no contact...you've done so well so far, but I'd definitely be taking him off Skype. Quite frankly, I don't believe he deserves your friendship, and you deserve a proper chance to move on.

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    afraidofhurt
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    Thank you for your reply!

    After the breakup, other than an email and two text messages that he sent a month ago to check up on me, I haven't heard anything from him. He only pleaded me not to do anything irrational and that was it. Part of me is angry towards his irresponsibility, part of me misses his presence in my life, part of me is just numb over the hurt he has caused and part of me is still searching the answers why he left out of blue..is it because of the girl he met, is it because I was too emotionally dependent on him, is it because of the long distance, is it because we are not meant to be..

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    I can identify with that need for answers. I remember when my last relationship broke up, I was left with lots of questions and no explanations. At the time, it felt like I was in danger of going insane.

    Looking back now, I know that that intensity came from the fact that I felt as though I had been made a complete fool of. Yes, I was incredibly angry - yet I loved him so much at that time that his actions had also caused me massive pain, and I believe now that a small part of me thought that if I knew what the problem/answers were, I could fix them...him...and us.

    In reality, he was never honest enough to give me straight answers. And to this day, I still have questions. But these days, the difference is that, now, I actually don't want to know. Because the answers that he did give just caused me more pain. And they weren't things I could fix because frankly, they weren't issues that I could control.

    You're allowed to be angry. God knows, I ranted enough on this forum when I first joined! You're entitled to feel sad and lonely. And that numbness is normal. I remember describing that numbness as 'losing my mojo'!

    I would also recommend writing a letter to him saying exactly how you're feeling; it really helps to get it all out. It's healthy - plus it keeps things in perspective. Do it just for you, not for him to ever receive or read (there is an excellent thread on this forum for that very purpose!).

    I wish I could say there's a magical fix for the pain you're going through. I'm afraid this is a stage you just either have to sit with or keep busy through (or a mix of both!). But I can tell you that it is a stage and it will pass.

    Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.

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