My Story

[lonelyheart]

I just joined this great site, because I was looking for some healing from my breakup. A little background.

I met my bf 5 years ago. He was just coming out of a terrible divorce. (mistake #1, dont be a rebound chick). He was great. He was attentive, always complemented me, affectionate and was always texting cute and lovable things. Go fowrdard 2years. His kids came back to live with him. ( small note: has 2 kids now 21 and 18), his kids were 15 and 18. He was so happy because he thought that his x took the kids and they would never come back. His x really told the kids horrible things about their father. Once the kids came he still was attentive but not that much now because he had to take care of his kids. He son was ok, the daugther (18 now) has given him a lot of gray hairs. In his marriage he was the passive one, and the x was controlling and possesive. He let his wife control everything so the daugther treats him the same way his x did. The thing is that he lets it. Last year, (now we were togther 4Y) he broke up with me. He said he had a lot of stress with the kids and the job (he is in law inforcement), so he could not be there for me, so he thought this was the best thing. I know your thinking, wait do I have a say on this? That is what I was thinking. Well, I was shocked. I loved him so much, I always complemted him and try to do all the things his x did not do for him and this is what I get? I was devestated. I thought someone ripped me apart and I though was not able to get myself back together, but I did. Took this time to get closer to God. I took up dancing and went back to school. After 3 months (btw, nc for the whole 3months) he text me that he wants to talk.
I was stupid and said OK.

He wanted me back and I said yes. Now the stupid thing I did was not tell him what I really wanted from him, which was a full
commitment and marriage (in the future). I was just so happy that he wanted me back.
One year later, i could see that he is being cold and distant. the text and the calls slowly dwindle away. On Nov 18, i sat down with him and asked him, "ok what is going on with us" (he was to chicken to sit down with me and tell me how he felt).
He said that his daughter was really out of control, and he has to help his sisters take care of his mom and the job, blah, blah ,blah. You know this time I was not shocked. I knew this was coming. I could feel it for months now. But like superdave has said, I held on hoping that things would change. In the last few months, he did not treat me nice. Am very independent and ussually don't put up with that, but I was holding on to the rope and was being dragged but I thought if I hold on long enough it will be ok. Well it was not ok. He said he can't have a relationship right now, and he was just not feeling it for me anymore. (that just put a knive in my heart). After he said that. I got up from the table, told him to take care of himself and not to call me again. He wanted a hug, I said NO, he also has a spare key to my apt, so he said " I will like to keep your key just in case you get locked out). I wanted to get out of there so fast, that I just said "whatever". That was 1 1/2 months ago. (again nc) I felt apart for 2 weeks. For the holidays I went to visit my family in another state, and I have been better. I ask myself, why do I love a person who does not love me or appreciate me? Am still trying to find the answer. My friends and family always reminded me that I have sooo much to be thankful for that I should not waste my time with someone that does not love me. The second time I have got back on my feet faster. We work in the same building, but because of his hours we don't see each other. The NC has helped me very much. I am not thinking of him as much and I am moving on.
This was a long one, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent. I was thinking that in a few months, (after am emotionally better) I want to text him and tell him I want my key back, a bag in his closet that has my overnight clothes, and motorcycle helmet he brought me last year. Please give me feed back. Should I asked for them back?

A friend has told me that he asked him for me and if I was doing ok. I think it makes him feel good knowing that am hurting because he knows I love him so much. I have cut contact with everybody that he knows except one person, and he does not speak to him that much. I feel that he has that power over me. Oh,one more thing. When he broke up with me that night, he said " your are going to be ok, you are a strong person" what the hell is that all about?


Thanks for taking time to read and help me.

[Slick]

Hello and welcome.

Venting is always good as it helps you see things from a different, more objective perspective and also you'll be amazed how many tiny details (or neglected red flags) surface on a closer inspection. Regarding your story, i honestly think you should move on...no matter what a nice guy he is/was, to me (married) he seems like he hasn't learned his lesson reagarding what makes a relationship last in time. Sure, there's a bit of moral ambiguity regarding his actions and motives, as you can't really paint him as "the bad guy" for putting his family's sake in the first place at the cost of his personal life (dedicated father), but if you have/had plans for serious relationship status with him (marriage) then the advice to move on still stands....he doesn't seem to see you in the "wife" position in his life and clearely, beeing the go-to woman when things are nice and fluffy also implies beeing the first toy to be ditched at any sign of trouble, a position that takes a heavy toll in time as you're basicly not moving in any direction.

Regarding your things that are still in his possesion, to me, only one really matters and that's the apartment's spare key....it's more of a security issue to want it back but if you really want to move on and cut all the remaining ties, changing the door lock is the simplest way to go. Overnight clothes and a helmet (he bought) you probably won't use anyway, are, let's face it, small value, non-life-depending things. Trying to use them as a contact pretext in the near future is an open invitation.

Cheers, Mike

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Hi, lonelyheart and thanks for posting your story.

To answer your initial question (should I ask for my stuff back), I have to agree with Mike and say this: if these are things you don't actually need, then I don't think it's that important to get them back. As for your extra apartment key, I think simply changing the locks is a better option. There are several reasons for this: first of all, asking to keep your extra apartment key "in case you get locked out of your apartment" is pretty transparent. There is no need for him to do that - he can give you the key to give to a friend or family member, or to keep in a hidden place if that happens. It's completely illogical for him to keep it when you are no longer together or in contact. He is simply wanting to maintain a sure connection with you...and give you a reason to contact him. Changing the locks will sever that connection.

As for telling you that you'll be okay and that you're strong...well, I don't see anything malicious there. Usually people say things like that out of guilt - soften the blow by offering what they don't realize is ultimately useless encouragement. It makes them feel less like "the bad guy."

I think can see where he's coming from, as well. To be honest, it sounds like he was overwhelmed with his obligations as a father, his difficult divorce, and caring for his mother. Normally, a significant other is a source of support and comfort when someone is going through difficult times, but the glitch is that this usually happens when the relationship is a solid, committed one. Let me explain: a solid, committed relationship should NEVER be a source of stress, no matter how bleak everything else is. You are a TEAM, and you're getting through the difficult stuff together. That's what you sign up for. If you're unable to share this connection with your partner, then the relationship, in my opinion, is not as solid as it could be. It does not sound to me as though he was really ready to immerse himself in a relationship like that, even if you were. I'm not sure if this makes him "the bad guy" so much as unprepared for another relationship so soon after what sounds like an extremely dysfunctional marriage. Jumping into a relationship without recovering from the previous one often means that that you're making someone pay for another's mistakes. It's never fair, and it's rarely intentional.

From my perspective, I don't think he was entirely fair to you in that he left when things got too stressful, came back when he needed some comfort, and left again once he'd gotten what he needed by making the exact same excuses as before. Yes, he did take advantage of your feelings for him, even if he didn't do so consciously. You know him better than I do, but even if you were intent upon marriage, it sounds like he was not. I don't blame him for wanting to focus on the problems in his own family - I'd be disturbed if he hadn't - but I do get the impression that his relationship with you wasn't as serious as your relationship with him. And I don't get the impression that the intentions of your relationship together were really discussed in much detail, but you would know better than I.

As SuperDave says, you can never sit by quietly and simply hope that things will change and get better - you have to be upfront about what you need, and what you're willing/able to give. It's not easy (believe me, it took awhile to get enough backbone to do so, and I'm STILL learning), but it's essential if you want to know exactly where you stand with the other person, and where they stand with you.

[Hunpak]

I think you should change the lock instead of asking him for the key and close this chapter.
Find someone who loves you.

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