Why do women not prefer the 'nice guy' ?

**Dan72** · 01-21-2012, 07:14 AM

Very interesting answers to the age old question from both and female and male point of view. Worth a read!

Male Response:

What I find interesting about a majority of these answers, is the general belief that men are the ones most commonly at fault for being "too nice." I for one, consider myself to be a very nice guy, who also is hardly a pushover. I think a big misconception of the "nice guy" argument, is the general ideology that men who are "boring" should learn to become more of a challenge or less predictable. I for one have been in many stable relationships where being "boring" was not considered a problem.
If a man, or woman, doesn't have the same characteristics they are looking for in a partner, is it fair to put the blame on the opposite sex? If you are looking for excitement and unpredictability, more than likely, your partner will be looking for the same traits in you. Nobody can sustain a serious relationship, that is always exciting or unpredictable. This can happen on occasion, but a majority of life is not exciting and unpredictable, which is why that notion is controversial in itself.
Relationships are built on trust and common interests. If you are male or female and are emotionally secure with who you are, you would not need a person to challenge you or bring all the excitement into your life. The notion that it is a man's job to be exciting, unpredictable, and fantastic in bed, at best is very shallow and egocentric.
I am not attracted to women who expect me to do all the leading in a relationship, or challenge them. I do agree that most healthy women do like a man who is decisive, emotionally attentive, and good humored. However, most people, who are stable and emotionally mature will not want a needy person, who is looking for someone else to change an aspect or shortcoming in their life. If what you are looking for is someone to "Make your life exciting," you may need a shrink, more than you do a boyfriend. Relationships are about sharing responsibilities. No healthy person, male or female, would stay with a person who is doing all the leading or work to maintain it.
I have been a nice guy always trying to be courteous to others and treat them kindly. I acted like that because I was shy and lacked confidence with girls. I would haphazardly jump into any crazy situation. I think I did come off as being to needy, I was so accepting to anything they did and was pretty laid back. I should have spoken up more especially if i had a problem with the situation. You don't want to seem desperate. You can't always be nice, the guy has to make the girl work and show she cares about him also. If your a nice guy don't be afraid to do something new, for example do something completely unexpected and crazy, people will be startled and amazed that they haven't noticed you before.
Wow! As a guy, I used to laugh every time I heard one of my female friends ask "Why can't I find a nice guy?" My response was always, "That's proof that you've never had one, and if you did you'd get rid of him." I think the real problem is that men and women have a different meaning of what nice is. Some may view nice as boring, or safe, or needy, or whatever. The thing is that those are all right, because it is subjective. What one person thinks is boring another person may think is exciting. What men and women both need to keep in mind is trust and respect. Whether they are a 'bad boy' or 'nice guy' if they aren't trustworthy or respectful, then they are losers. I have the same issue. I cannot seem to find a nice girl. I always seem to attract the crazy ones that want a responsible or successful man. Someone to take care of them. Well, to you I say if you cannot take care of yourself, I am not interested. I am nice, but come on I am not a meal ticket. People should focus on finding another half of themselves that compliments them, and shares in their success and failures. The real trick is to figure out how to keep her interested after you let her know you care.

Female Response:
When I'm with a guy who is very easy to please, I don't feel a need to take the relationship any further. I don't have an interest in getting dressed up because hes happy regardless, or even do little things for him. Women want somebody they can look up to, someone they have to go out of their way to please. It's intriguing, it's fun, it pushes us to be better. Challenge our ideas every once in awhile, you don't have to be mean, but if you're so easy to get along with then a woman might feel that you're desperate, and that she can be easily replaced by any girl. If a woman can land a guy with high standards, it's like winning the lottery. You're proud to be with the person you're with; you know you fought for them. And you know they must truly look up to you if "love" wasn't a word that was in their vocabulary before they met you, and now it is.
Women like nice guys, but they aren't attracted to them. Nice guys often don't show the confidence or strength that women are attracted to.
Don't be quiet and timid. Around her or in public. Just ask her out. Don't pour your heart into it. Don't act like you care about rejection.
Don't be needy. Don't call her all the time. If you don't call, she'll call you anyway.
Don't be a pushover. Don't do everything she wants, even if you want to do it. Tell her it has to be at 8:00pm instead of 7:00pm or Friday instead of Saturday.
Don't give her money or gifts too often. Limit it to holidays, anniversaries, and about 6 random days during the year when she doesn't expect it.
Don't show your feelings too often even though half the questions on this wiki are about women complaining about that. They want you to show them, but they want to work for it.
Don't be clingy. You don't love her until you've dated her for at least a month or two. Don't act like it; don't say it.
To sum it up, don't be too nice or too attached until the relationship is well established. Don't listen to anyone who tells you differently. Especially women.
Most women do want a nice guy, they just do not want a wimp or a push over. Only women that are emotionally or mentally unstable chose guys that aren't nice.
We love nice guys! The problem is that many men think they are 'nice guys' when in fact, they aren't -- or they are and have many OTHER issues! I once dated a guy who insisted that he had been dumped many times simply because he was a 'nice guy.' The truth is that he was a nice guy; but he also didn't shower often enough, was too emotionally disconnected, and had horrendous manners! All the 'niceness' in the world couldn't fix some of his other flaws, and asking him to shower (as nicely as possible), offended him. If you are a guy who believes women don't date you because you are a nice guy, then odds are, there are other issues. Using the old "nice guys finish last" line is often a cop-out and a way to avoid looking at what the real problem is. Is there an aspect of your personality that women have consistently complained about? Do you hear over and over that you don't talk enough, or you aren't social enough, or etc. Listen to the common complaint and focus on that instead of the "Nice Guy" thing. I'll bet that not one woman has said she wouldn't date you because you were too nice!
Bad boys do have some appeal; however, I don't think that most women really want a truly bad person. The person has to be a pretty good guy underneath it all. The only reason I can think of that a woman would want a truly awful human being is that she herself has very low self-esteem. I tend to prefer nice guys myself, being as I'm a nice girl
I think a woman gets turned on by how you are in bed, how confident you are, how open and attentive a man is in the bedroom, can he take charge at times and not at others. He could be a total nerd Geek with a pocket protector and thick dork glasses but if he's confident and loving in the bedroom, that's what a woman will like and prefer.
I think that women do not prefer "nice guys" is because they think that if a guy is some type of bad boy that makes him a real man or that they can try to change him. I think that being a nice guy is the only way a real woman would actually respect you. I think women sometimes don't know what they want, or that they have to many expectations of what they want a man to be to them. Nice guys may finish last, but they'll be the first one a woman calls when they're having problems with their bad boy significant other.
I think a nice guy makes it too easy, and he may be too accepting. It seems that a relationship should feel like a struggle and without the struggle, it might not seem worth holding on to or even getting involved in. I've been on both ends a number of times and it rings true to me.
It's all in the definition of "nice guy". I think most guys use that phrase to hide the fact that they're needy, looking for a mother, clingy, not confident, neurotic, confused, desperate and generally horrible at life! The 'nice guy' syndrome is usually about some guy trying to find a woman to save him from himself or his mundane existence! Who'd want that?
Women love nice guys. But women also like a man with guts, and the ability to stand his ground when necessary. It's a protection thing. Women want to feel safe with a guy and know that he is not going to back down from a situation. Don't confuse this with a gangster. Bad boys present themselves to be fearless and often times can back it up. Women like a fearless, sensitive man! Men these days seem to lack backbone. Men, quit your whining and be a man; you're not women.
I love nice guys. In fact, we prefer nice guys over bad boys. The only problem with most nice guys is that they become boring. Somehow it seems like the two traits are connected. However there are nice guys out there who aren't boring and those are the ones with girlfriends. So for guys who think that they lost a girl because they were too nice, well that's not the case. If you assumed that the reason was because you were too nice, then you're really not looking hard enough at the relationship and you do not see what you really need to work on. Or if she told you that it's not working out because you're too nice, then she's lying to you to spare your feelings. In other words, if a guy is nice but also has a lot of other bad qualities, the niceness is not enough to hold the relationship together. You would be wrong to blame the break up on the niceness. I know it's a defense mechanism and we all do it to spare our self esteem but if you want to avoid the same problem in the future, try to figure out if there are things in your personality that you need to work on. Remember there's a difference between being nice and being needy, make sure you're not the latter. And if she really does not like nice guy, then she's trouble and you probably don't want to date her anyway.
Some women do buy into the whole "bad boy" dating experience. Basically those kinds of guys provide short term excitement but turn out to be selfish, arrogant and only concerned about their own needs. (But there are men who want "bad girls" as well for the same silly reasons). And there are the clingy, doormat or harasser types that call themselves "nice" but aren't at all. It's easier to blame problems on being too nice/too good looking/too intimidating instead of looking at the way you treat people. Genuine good guys treat people the way they'd want to be treated. Some of these guys tend to be more introverted and less aggressive with women than the Mr. Showoffs so they may get overlooked initially, especially by females who wouldn't dream of making the first move and asking a guy out. But these are the guys that are worth the trouble of dating, and often end up being taken by women who appreciate them.
This should not be a general question. Different woman have different tastes. So this question is not about 'nice' guys or 'bad' boys but about attraction. If there is attraction and chemistry between two people than 'nice' or 'bad' will not matter. Acting as a 'nice' guy or a 'bad' boy will not get you women. As a matter of fact it won't get you anything. Being yourself however, will get you the person you're looking for.
The more confident guy gets the girl because he will try to show her how much he cares about her. Stay true to yourself in the process.
It all depends on everything like culture and interests. Generally there is a lot of misconception about what is a nice guy. Definitely in Japan, for example, nice guys are viewed more favorably instead because a nice guy will respect the woman's parents and will be more emotionally stable. In the western world though, women have expectations of adventure and generally have a carefree attitude, which is reflected in their choices of a date. It is these factors, and obviously the girls state of mind, which makes her attracted to one male.
Simply put young women in their teens to even early 20's are impressionable and immature and some prefer the more dangerous type that she feels she is capable of loving or the 'brooding, troubled young man' that she can help overcome his short comings. Both female/male teens can either be shy and quiet, to wild and carefree depending on the individual.
The young gals don't get it! What is wrong with a guy having a cry or two over something it's healthy and it's a myth that men shouldn't cry and to communicate their feelings. This does not make them weak, boring or a wimp! Either the guy expresses himself and it's normal to communicate or you can guess and feel insecure throughout your relationship. For the gal who said she was sick of hearing 'I love you' you don't even know how lucky you are! There are thousands of people that would love to hear those words from their mate even if it is several times a day. Some young women will spend hours in front of the mirror and obsess over the silliest things, but what they don't know about most guys is, they don't care if your hair is a little messy; you may have put on a couple of pounds or your nails are painted pink. They don't care! My husband told me that the very first time he realized he loved me was when he came over to visit me in my apartment which I was painting at the time. I had paint on my face, in my hair, a sloppy sweat top on and jeans. When I looked up and he saw that he said he melted and he found that more attractive than if I had been dressed to the nines. Nice guys don't finish last! The bad boy image gets boring!
If you feel you need to "change" someone, then they aren't the one for you. Never go into a relationship thinking you can, should, or will change someone. If they aren't who or what you want, then move on to someone who is. I don't know of any women who prefer men who aren't nice. The "bad" guys have no appeal to many women in any way. Nice does not equal wimp, but just the opposite. A nice guy is a man who is confident and strong, but not arrogant. He is comfortable with his masculinity without feeling the need to "prove" himself to anyone. He is also comfortable in being himself and doesn't try to pretend he doesn't have emotions or feelings. The bad guys though, tend to be self-centered, selfish, inconsiderate, and are also more likely to be unfaithful. They also tend to be more insecure, which is why they feel they need to be "bad", as though they are trying to "prove" themselves to others. It takes a real man to be a nice guy.

Author ~unknown

**niks** · 01-21-2012, 03:16 PM

being "nice" always gets such a bad name , whats wrong with treating other people with respect and how you wish to be treated yourself? also , I really don't like this being labelled as either a "bad" or a "nice" guy or girl , people are so much more complex than that , nice people make mistakes sometimes and do or say things that aren't so nice , the difference is they realize that they did something hurtful and regret it whereas the arrogant guys/girls really just don't care or don't like to admit to it at least, and the sort of person who goes round saying " I can't get or keep a partner because I'm too nice " really stems from a different sort of arrogance ... its arrogance I avoid in a person not whether they are "nice" or "bad"

very interesting read though Dan

**Dan72** · 01-21-2012, 08:19 PM

I agree Niks

In my opinion, there is a very definate difference between confidence and arrogance. When people cross the line, they are just plain ugly to me.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 01-22-2012, 01:18 PM

Thanks for that, Dan! I hear a lot about the "nice guy" woes from many of my male friends, who are convinced that they can't find a woman because they're "too nice."

Um, no, buddy. The fact that you're convinced that THAT is your only problem in love means that you have one of the qualities that (sane) women hate the most: an inability to take a realistic look at yourself and understand who you are. Men who can't do that with themselves sure as hell can't do it with women, since they so often put these women on a pedestal (which is a LOT of pressure!) when they try to pursue them in that very passive-aggressive "I'm going to hint that I can't find a nice woman so she'll go out with me" way.

There is one male friend of mine who laments about this very thing with me EVERY time we talk: he's lonely and women don't want to date him because a) he's not tall, and b) women just don't notice nice guys because they only want jerks. I've stopped accepting his excuses, and finally one of our conversations went like this

Me: "Why would you even WANT to date a woman who thinks you're not worth her time because you're not "the right height," or one who prefers arrogant, narcissistic jerks to decent men?"
Him: "Well it's just that I'm really tired of being single and I'm feeling kind of desperate."
Me: "THAT is your problem. Not being nice. Not being short. Your desperation is your real problem. Calm down, grow a pair, and accept yourself already. No decent woman wants a guy who relies on her for his own validation."
Him: <insert excuses here>

I get the sense he's always saying these things to try to find out why I wasn't interested in him years ago...I haven't had the heart to tell him that I could sense his desperation and neediness pretty quickly when I suddenly became his "therapist." And as we all know, it's a breach of ethics for therapists to date their clients.

Sure, some women want jerks, but before guys start using that as a catalyst to complain endlessly about how women ALWAYS do that, they should take a closer look at her maturity level. If they don't want to date a diva with daddy issues and an addiction to petty drama, then really...is it THAT much of a loss? It wouldn't be for me. Then again, I'm not a dude...

It's like women (myself included) who have complained that men are never interested in them because they're "too smart." It wasn't until I suddenly thought, "Why would I want to date a guy who was turned off by intelligence??" that I realized I was being an idiot. Then I got some confidence, started to like myself, stopped being afraid to talk to people in social situations and started being myself, and...well...my original theory about being "too smart" changed. Intelligence didn't intimidate them...but sometimes I think emotional stability has. It makes sense...men who are "jerks" usually like to disarm a woman's confidence and make her more vulnerable to his advances by making back-handed compliments or teasing her in such a way that isn't really "all in good fun." Before, I fell for it. Now...oh, do I have fun shutting them up! Now they're afraid of me. ;)

But if you look for those who are strong in spirit, emotionally stable, and unselfish...you won't be disappointed.

**Dan72** · 01-22-2012, 03:26 PM

Interesting stuff. It's easy for anyone to make excuses for themselves, but I do wonder if many actually realise what they are doing. Only last night I was talking to a friend of mine about potential partners. I used to complain that noone ever fancied me, that I was never the object of anyone's desire. That I didn't understand what was wrong with me etc. My friend reminded me of numerous women who have shown an interest in me. I guess the ACTUAL problem, is that I am extremely picky and very rarely feel attracted to anyone. Ultimately, I CHOOSE not to be with them, therefore, I cannot complain that noone is interested in me. A more accurate statement would be that noone I would consider for a relationship appears to be interested in me.

Forget the fact that I do seem to attract weirdo's, bunny boilers, women looking to be 'rescued' from their lives, and needy, clingy obsessive types.... lol.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 01-22-2012, 05:33 PM

I have to ask, Dan...what are "bunny boilers"?

It sounds both cute AND grotesque...

**niks** · 01-22-2012, 06:10 PM

We all make excuses for ourselves sometimes, but most normal people realize they are doing it - especially if friends point it out to us

, it's the people like kelleys friend who cant take a hint however large that get on my nerves lol. Also I don't think there's anything wrong with being picky Dan , I'm also picky , I think it's a good thing to know what do or don't want , as long as it doesn't blind you from whats right in front of you. Why should you settle for something less than what you deserve?

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 01-22-2012, 07:51 PM

Nah, I think being picky pays off in the end, as long as your standards aren't impossible or ridiculous. Like some girls I knew in school who absolutely would NOT date a man with a certain eye color or hair color. Or if he wore t-shirts. Or if he listened to a certain kind of music that they didn't like. Then again, we were 12....but some hung on to those standards well into adulthood. I'm half-tempted to buy them a Ken doll and have done with it.

**Dan72** · 01-23-2012, 04:30 AM

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with being picky either. I would be willing to bet that a huge amount of people are in relationships because they were willing to settle. If that works for them, that's great, but personally I would rather be single that settle for anything less than I feel I deserve.

Kel, bunny boilers,... have you seen Fatal Attraction? Glen Close types,... stalkers etc lol.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 01-23-2012, 01:00 PM

Say no more, Dan! I always called those women "The Ones With the Crazy Eyes."

**owen23** · 12-02-2012, 11:15 PM

I am agree with your detailed topic of nice guy. My opinion is quite matching with you. As I experience every mature guy want be nice one and expect attraction from girl. While most of young girl thinking is quite opposite that they consider more immature a guy more they feel free in life.

**Tiggerinlondon** · 12-09-2012, 06:50 PM

Hi everyone,

Interesting discussion point. I'd just like to say, language and definitions make or break arguments. I make a clear difference between "nice" and "good". I don't think "nice" is attractive. I think "good" is tremendously sexy and attractive.

Then we come to my initial statement about language, what is "nice", what is "good". My definitions are what shape my understanding of these two things and what I mean by them. To me "nice" is polite and "good" is genuine. To me "nice" is appearances yet "good" is real. I think you get the picture.

Generally IMHO if you are being polite (when someone is being an idiot) that is courteous and acceptable in societal terms. However if someone is being an idiot and you speak your mind, you may not have been polite, but you will have been real and (as long as you still did it without acting an idiot yourself) you also will have been good, since you said what you felt was needed (being true to yourself).

IME sometimes we all have to be "nice" i.e. customer service job! However when we are out and about with our friends and loved ones, I want a man to be good. I want to see him be true to himself, that means helping the lady with the buggy, that means asking the guy on the train, with the music blaring out of his phone, could he turn it down please we can't hear each other talk, thank you; that means treating others with respect and knowing who he is. To me a good guy may (with kindness/gentleness) challenge my view/offer an alternative, but won't be pedantic or invalidate my view/feelings in order to seem clever or superior. IMV a good guy may cry or be sensitive and show his emotions, but he'll know how to vocalise his fears/desires (so I don't have to mind read) and will try to deal with apparent conflict in a calm way without verbal abuse (that means, reflective listening, few interruptions, controlling himself and his emotions/responses).

Am I asking alot? Hell yes! I would be settling (as previously mentioned by others), if I did any less. I deserve an equal, I want a symbiotic relationship and I am willing to grow, change and address any behaviours/flaws in order to do it. But sure as heck, he better be willing to do so as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N2k-gv6xNE

As Shania says "I need a man who knows, how the story goes, He's gotta be a heartbeatin' fine treatin', Breathtakin' earthquakin' kind; Any man of mine."