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Thread: What happened here?

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    Default What happened here?

    I ran into this guy again a couple of weeks ago at the same place where we had met and chatted several months ago. We never dated or anything, but it seemed that there was something brewing. When I saw him a couple of weeks ago, within about 30 seconds he told me he had a girlfriend, fist punched me, and told me she was there. I was breezy about it and asked him if he was in love with a smile (like a pal). He said he wasn't; it was too soon. I never saw the girl - oddly enough.

    Even odder is that almost every weekday since then, we have run into each other at this place around the same time. Now it's almost expected, although neither of us mentions seeing each other the next day or anything. When I ran into him the first time after the girlfriend proclamation, I was pleasant and aloof and left first. From then on, he has been very attentive and conversational and even gave me a kiss on the cheek one day before leaving. One day, he wore eyeglasses for the first time I had seen, and I commented that I liked them the next day. He told me they had no optical value; they were just for fun. (He wore the glasses again the next day.) The other day he told me that I always looked so nice with a big smile. I thanked him, and I explained that I was going to work. He replied with a smile and "Is that why?" (strange question) I left before he did that day, but he called to me in the parking lot, and we chatted a bit before going our separate ways.

    Unfortunately, and strangely, the last two times I have run into him, I feel like I have been blatantly ignored. One time he came up to the area, took a seat and said nothing. Several minutes passed before I glanced over and simply said, "Good morning." He didn't even look over but returned the greeting. When he walked away, I had turned to see where he was going, and he smiled and waved. The next day, he was standing when I approached the area, and he looked at me coming, then turned away for a second, then turned back to me. I simply walked behind him on my way to my seat and quickly said, "Good morning." He returned the greeting and then took off like his butt was on fire. End of story. What in the world happened??? (Incidentally, no mention of the "girlfriend" has been made since the encounter a couple of weeks ago when he seemingly couldn't wait to tell me that. It wasn't warranted, as I never really let him know I was ever interested and/or available. His behavior since his proclamation seems not to jibe with that, and I seem to be on the receiving end of his flirting/kiss on the cheek without any real reciprocity on my part, because I was told he has/had a girlfriend!!!

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    Welcome to theLoveLogic forums,


    First and foremost, do you want to get to know this guy better? It sounds very odd to me as well. Since he has already metioned a girlfriend why do you still seem a bit interested? THe fact he said it means, "I am not going to get involved with you on a romantic or dating level". I think you are doing a GREAT job being aloof and just being you. Sounds like he is the one with the maturity problem.


    The way to not be played is NOT to play. Keep doing what your doing and don't worry about this one. If he genuinely liked you, he would pursue you.


    Don't let his text messages and "good enough" friendship get the best of you.


    Take care of you!


    Thanks for joining us Elizabeth!



    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Well, I was interested several months ago when we first met and started chatting. Then we didn't run into each other for a few months until recently; hence, the story I wrote. I think his behavior doesn't match with what he told me. (I'm not sure where you got that we texted. All of our communication has been in person.) I don't think he is leading me on because he knows I like him or anything. I just don't know exactly what he was doing. I also don't know whether the girlfriend still exists...

    (You mentioned that the story seemed odd to you. Did you mean my behavior or his?)

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    Sorry about the texting part...I read that wrong. As far as the story, it's HIS behavior that is odd. Instead of worrying about what he IS doing....try and look at what he's NOT doing.

    1. Asking you out
    2. Can date you because he "says" he has a girlfriend. (ever sen her?)
    3. Being all around weird.
    4. Giving you just enough attention to possibly keep you interested.

    If you don't know if the girlfriend still exists, look at it this way...if she DOESN'T exist, then he is either really slow in asking you out, no interested or waiting for his ego to be stroked if you ask him out FIRST. (read that one carefully again)

    Many men like women to ask them out becuase they may be shy or even worse...need a woman to stroke their egos because of their natural lack of self-confidence. Be careful with this guy. He sounds a bit too wishy-washy to me.


    Just my 2 cents worth.



    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Thank you for admitting his behavior is odd. I have been really careful with my behavior, so as not to appear interested other than as a friend.

    Without going into too much detail about the late summer/early fall when we first interacted, there was a conversation during which he came up with a silly excuse for me to have his number. I hesitated (because I don't call guys but didn't tell him that), then I said he could have my number if he liked. We ran into each other a couple of times after that with benign happenings. Then my story here began...

    I agree with you that there seems to be some ambiguity with the girlfriend. Did/does she exist? If so, days after he told me of her (in the very same place she supposedly was and where we continue to run into each other around the same time every day), he became attentive with the smiling, conversation, obnoxious smacker on the cheek from behind while I was seated, telling me how nice I always look, some hand contact (fist punch, slaps, etc.) and then the whole thing with the glasses. Too much interaction with me less than a week after the "girlfriend" announcement...

    He sounds wishy-washy, and he may be one of those who feels more comfortable with females pursuing him. It's not going to happen with me!

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    Always happy to help Elizabeth. Thanks for joining us here at theLoveLogic.com

    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Definitely odd behavior on his part, and frankly I think he's trying to play a game. He's friendly and outgoing with you for awhile, and then suddenly he's rude and uncommunicative? That's pretty much what high school girls do when they want to reel a boy in - make themselves look uninterested in order to pique the other person's interest. They go back and forth, enough to reel you in and keep you on your toes. It's kind of retarded, but men sometimes do that, too. It works with women who have low confidence or low self-esteem, but if you're generally a well-balanced person, then you're probably just going to get confused and rather "put off" by such behavior...which is what it sounds like you're feeling.

    As Dave said, the best way to deal with this game is NOT to play along. And it sounds like you aren't, so I commend you!
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Thank you for agreeing that his behavior is odd - and immature for a man in his forties! (I don't think I mentioned that earlier.) It's interesting that you mentioned that this game usually works with women with low self-esteem, because I am definitely in that category but probably use standoffishness and general non-flirty demeanor to counteract this. I don't want to look like a fool, especially in front of someone who clearly stated he had a girlfriend. He couldn't have expected me to come after him, knowing that he told me that. However, I do believe he came after me to a degree. Every interaction we had was at his initiation, except when I was ignored. I spoke first, but that's all I did. No following, no asking about the girlfriend, nothing that would lead him to believe I was interested. I was friendly and cheerful, and we had great, engaging conversations. I just couldn't do anything more, given the circumstances. Now it appears that our interactions are over, because I don't go as often, and when I have gone, he wasn't there around the same time. I imagine we'll run into each other at some point, so I guess there'll be another story there. I'm not sure what to do, because I really don't know what happened with the last go-around.

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    An update...

    I saw him again today after we hadn't run into each other at the same place at the same time for over a week. He was seated when I approached the area from behind him, and something came over me that wouldn't allow me to speak first, like I had done the last two times I was "ignored". So I guess I played his game and did something similar to what he did one time. I approached the area and glanced around a bit in deciding which seat to take, paying no mind to him. My peripheral vision allowed me to see him stand up and hesitate near me for a few seconds while I was otherwise engaged, then he said cheerfully and with a big smile, "Good morning!" Without expression, I responded with a "Good morning" without enthusiasm. Then he took off like a rocket. Hm-m...

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    HAHAHAHA....way to go Elizabeth. Just don;t play his games. How did that make you feel?



    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Well, I did actually play his game. He ignored me twice, and I spoke first. Today everything was reversed. I'm sure he was aware of my outward indifference. I just don't know what to make of his speaking with such animation with a big smile and then zipping off after my less than enthusiastic response. Interest or no interest - or is there not enough recent information to tell? I don't know how to respond the next time, but I have kind of set the beginning of a pattern here. It would be a bit unstable for me to become friendlier or even flirtatious at this point. Did I do wrong today???

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    Nah, I don't think you did wrong. You don't seem to be playing his game simply because I don't get the impression that you're trying to "win him" so much as make it clear that his silly games aren't working on you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem a bit turned off by his behavior since he started this, and I don't get the impression that you're very interested in him anymore. If that's true, I don't really blame you. Real men don't play games like that, in my opinion. Perhaps this is wrong of me, but I'm not above giving someone a taste of their own medicine when they're being retarded.

    As far as his interest level, he seems interested in wanting YOU to be interested in him more than anything else, from what I see. His ridiculously enthusiastic greeting and zipping off after your indifferent response...it could be a game, or he could've been running off with his tail between his legs.

    I don't see what you did as sinking to his level so much as your way of saying you're not fooled. There's a difference between playing games and maintaining self-respect enough not to throw yourself at someone who may be trying to take advantage of your insecurities.

    As far as how to respond the next time your paths cross, I think a happy medium would be a good idea. You can smile politely and say hello, but that doesn't mean you have to encourage any more interaction than that if you don't want to. For me, behavior like this is not something that I tolerate very well, and I'm likely to forget myself and bluntly tell him that if he wants to talk to me, he has to quit acting like a wishy-washy douchebag. I'm not saying that's a great idea, because it may make things really awkward, but if you feel the situation calls for it, the blunt, no bullsh*t approach is a good way to enforce your own personal boundaries.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Thank you so much for your detailed response! I appreciate it.

    Actually, I still like him very much, despite my being turned off and disappointed by his recent behavior. It's so different suddenly from that of almost a couple of weeks of great interaction and no tension with exchanging social niceties!

    It is interesting that you thought he may be more interested in having me interested in him more than anything else. Hm-m... I think he is playing a game of sorts, for sure, but games (and I know this personally as a game player myself, despite my knowing better) are usually played as a defense mechanism. I empathize with that. For whatever reason, he has not felt comfortable dealing with me on a "normal" level, and perhaps my signals haven't been so direct or clear because of the supposed girlfriend he threw in the mix. I don't think that this story would be the same without that crucial element muddying the waters. He knows what he told me, though. As reserved as I believe he thinks I am, he had to surmise that I wasn't going to throw him down on the floor one day and have my way with him! I don't think he was looking for that from me. However, I do think he is used to women pursuing him and being at his beck and call. He might be stymied -- and intrigued -- by this woman who prefers the man to be the aggressor. The other possiblity is that he is not interested! (I'm hoping that's not the case.)

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    My question to you is...if he plays games OUT of a relationship (with you) what kinds of games WOULD or COULD he play while IN a relationship?

    Let's say he does have a girlfriend, would you want him acting this way with other women?


    Just asking...


    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    SuperDave71,

    You have a point about the games. However, not to justify his, but perhaps I have played a few which caused them to start. It wouldn't be the first time. I'm so fearful about showing interest to a man if I am not certain it will be reciprocated. Sometimes certainty never comes, and I lose out and/or the guy in whom I have interest. In this particular situation, I was hit with a supposed girlfriend, which prevented me from showing how I felt. I was friendly to him, and he knew I at least liked him as a "buddy", but I really didn't compliment him, just his eyeglasses. I really didn't flirt. He may have been saying he had a girlfriend because things didn't get off the ground several months ago, and he may have gleaned there was no interest on my part then. When he told me he had a girlfriend now a few weeks ago, it almost seemed like it was an "in-your-face" remark. Again, I never saw her there, and she hasn't come up in conversation -- odd, considering he almost couldn't wait to tell me that. If he wasn't interested in me romantically, I don't think he would have done the things mentioned in my original post, among others. As for the girlfriend ghost, maybe I'll never know about that.

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