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Thread: What happened here?

  1. #16
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    An Update

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    Another Update:

    Another Update...

    Well, I ran into him again today for the first time since our last encounter. When I approached the area where we usually see each other, I waited until he glanced over at me, then I said "Hello" with a big smile. I asked him how he was, and he was lukewarm with his return greeting and answer, if that. Then he sprinted away again. Several minutes later, he came back to the area. (I could see out of the corner of my eye, but I did not look at him directly.) He stayed a few minutes then left. There was no contact between us, verbal or non-verbal. What in the world is his problem?

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    Eliz,

    The issue is not his. It's yours. You are waiting for him to change instead of seeing him for what he is. He is playing with you yet you are doing exactly what it is he wants. You are feeding his ego and his need to feel wanted. In my opinion, he is not interested in the relationship...he loves the fact he is being pursued.


    Just my 2 cents worth.


    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    I am pursuing him? That's a surprise. That seems different from your earlier responses. The only thing I did today was greet him with a smile. I don't always do that. The reason I did it today was because he was reasonably positive the last time, especially after I mimicked his behavior the time before that.

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    Hi Elizabeth,

    You hit the nail on the head rather beautifully with you last comment - you're fallen into a cycle of mimicking, or reacting to him each time you meet because his behaviour is ridiculously unpredictable!

    Who knows what his problem is...maybe he's incredibly moody; maybe he enjoys a power rush he gets when he behaves unpredictably because he knows you're (or you would be) interested; and maybe he's just completely socially inept.

    My point is that none of the above are good - all red flags, in my opinion.

    Look at it this way, no matter what his reasons are, the outcome is unacceptable. Would you accept it if a friend of yours continuously did this? Whether it's deliberate or not, this guy is manipulating you; and you're allowing him to do so. Because you're stuck in a cycle to reacting and getting upset, instead of getting in control!

    I personally believe that the best way to do this is either completely ignore him going forward or stop going to the place you keep meeting him if possible. He's been doing this so long that, as Dave says, he isn't going to change.

    And he doesn't sound like someone who's worth mimicking/getting upset over. You're worth more than a manipulator.

  6. #21
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    Hm-m. Well, both of you have the advantage of knowing his behavior has me confused and upset sometimes; however, he really doesn't know that. I don't react that way in front of him so I don't "blow my cover". I've never confronted him on his inconsistencies and never asked anything about the two of us. I'm not necessarily saying that's a good thing. The one thing that perplexes me is that you both believe he's on a power rush because he knows I'm interested. Really? I don't go as often, and when I do, I am not falling all over him or following him or in his face. He doesn't even know my status at the moment; for all he knows, I could be involved with someone.

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    My oh my, this reminds me of high-school To me, both of you are waiting for the other to put the "You" in "Asking you out". Why the wait? It's the good old "fear of being rejected/laughed at" with a bit of "If it doesn't work out i can still say it wasn't my idea" cherry on top. I also find very funny his "catch and release" attraction tactics (i do agree with Kel) mostly because they're being used by a man in his 40's, but hey, they did the trick as we can plainly see from your posts.

    The "girlfriend" incident ? yeah right....to me, in his case alone and based on his other actions, it's just a "save face in case things go wrong" and also a social validation manouver. This way, in case he'll eventually have the courage and ask you out, but he'll get refused, he'll have the "but i still have a good relationship to go back to" safety net (rather than, "bu huu huu i got rejected" and i'll just look like a fool) and also it makes him more "interesting" as let's be honest, how many of us want what nobody wants ? It's not out of the ordinary...many men use tactics like those, especially for the second reason. It is a plastic analogy but take any woman, no matter how ugly, put in in a club on a weekend night and she'll still have 2 or 3 guys ready to take her home (even if it's for a short affair only)....it doesn't work the same for men, as in most cases, they'll just end up going home alone (or drunk and making a fool of himself). In general lines, they try to compensate lack of self confidence, with peer validation, in this case, pulling out an imaginary girlfriend should signal that at least one person in this world finds him attractive, interesting, etc.

    My question to you Elizabeth, is why waste time? If you really like this guy why beat it around the bushes ? Attraction will eventually fade no matter how many "i like you" <-> "i don't like you" routines each of you puts up or counter-balances. What's the worst that can happen if you ask him out for a drink ? He refuses and either a) you'll be no more that "good morning" with each other (which already happens like 50% of the time) ; b) you'll be the same, nice talks and everything (again, like 50% of the time already).

    Cheers, Mike
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    Slick,

    I had to smile when I read your "high school" reference. I wholeheartedly agree! Unfortunately, his behavior with the pseudo-girlfriend set things on a course with me so as not to divulge my feelings. Why should I let him know at that point or since then that he got me? That's one reason I'm not convinced he knows I was/am attracted to him like "that". I never asked him about her since his proclamation. Maybe I should have, though, because I may have gotten some answers. At this point, he may have broken up with her (if she existed, which is questionable at best at that time) and has someone else.

    As far as asking him out for a drink, I just can't do it, especially now since I feel I was just blown off again -- for no apparent reason. I can't force myself to be comfortable, and my asking him would come out wrong -- blushing, stuttering, a mess! I'm that insecure, admittedly. Especially now... (An interesting point to realize at this juncture is that if I am so painfully shy and so forth in letting it be known to him that I have a romantic interest, he must glean that I am not. I go out of my way to be breezy and nonchalant; that's not always a good thing. That's why I remarked earlier that I am not so sure he's convinced I like him "like that'.

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    Hi Elizabeth, i know it's easier said than done, but it's not a marriage proposal and you don't have to present it as a "date". A simple "i'm heading out for a coffee after work / later. Let's talk some more then" surely doesn't sound like "Friday night, 8 o'clock, dinner, you and me, i'll try for 3 hours to get the best make-up and best dress prior to that, anxiously counting the minutes, i'm also interested in 2 kids, one medium sized dog, house with a white fence and baking cookies so be ready to sign the dotted line". Again, what if he says "No" ? My oh my, can you imagine the expressions on the jury's faces when they'll trial you for "Daring to ask him out for a casual, mundane coffee" ? Phew, not to mention the executioner's shock as he'll light the fire Elizabeth, it's not rocket science and asking him out surely doesn't mean "I love you with all my heart and until my last breath" it just says "You're cool, i'd like to know you better". It's far better than going round in circles even if you'd eventually get an "You evil man-eating witch! You'll never taint this pure heart with your evil spells and machinations! Never !!!" response At worst, you'll end the dilemma about the nature of his behavior and will tune yours in the future.
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

  10. #25
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    I am going to agree with Slick on this one. In my reference earlier, I was NOT saying you were pursuing, I was saying you were waiting on a "positive" response. When you didn't get the one you may have hoped for, you started rethinking your plan. (Whatever that may be).

    The level of "I am going to do THIS today and see what HE does (react)" is getting a bit ridiculous. You are in a pattern (just like Starry stated earlier). If he said he has a girlfriend (fake or not) the red flag should be that he is NOT asking you out nor reacting to anything you are doing in a positive fashion. If you want to go for coffee as Slick suggested, then just ask. If he says no...then he says no. You are going to have to make the decision whether you want to do this or not.

    What it is starting to sound like is that POSSIBLY both of you are wanting the other to make a FIRST move. I am still getting a red flag vibe from this guy from what you have posted but what do I know!?



    I wish you all the luck in the world but the truth stands at this....If you do the same thing over and over again and expect a differnent result.... Well, get the idea.


    Take care,


    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperDave71 View Post
    Eliz,

    he loves the fact he is being pursued.

    Well, SuperDave71, it sure seemed like you thought I was pursuing him! Maybe you didn't mean to say that above...

    I do agree, to a degree, that neither of us is comfortable making an advance at this point. We had a momentum going, along with a comfort level, when we were "bumping" into each other almost daily for a couple of weeks, just after his girlfriend proclamation. Again, that didn't seem to jibe, but I still didn't feel comfortable flirting or letting him know I was interested. I was guarded. Now we don't bump into each other as much, and time has passed, and neither one of us knows what is going on in the other's social life. Anyway, I don't know why you guys are so bent on MY doing the asking! I know I'm the one who wants to know what's happening - or could happen, but I'm still guarded. No, it's not rocket science, but it's likely harder for me to do that than him. He didn't just fall off the turnip truck, and if he felt comfortable doing what he has done so far, maybe I can do something besides asking him out directly to test the waters AND get a feel for his response at the same time. I agree that something needs to be done, because I cannot continue in this regard. An argument will likely ensue, and that's not going to be good or effective. I will see what I can pull out of my hat...

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    Elizabeth...

    I see what I said now. Sorry about that. What I meant was that he might being getting a kick out of you smiling and talking to him due to the fact it builds his ego...but is not interested in you enough to attempt to start a real relationship instead of being just colleagues.


    Sorry about that


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    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    It sounds like you neither want to let your guard down, nor do you want a confrontation. I get that. But I'm not sure if this weird "back-and-forth-hot-and-cold" thing is really healthy, either. I still get some red flags from him, too - for instance, if he's this inconsistent when he's simply on friendly, non-romantic terms with you, how inconsistent is he when he IS on romantic terms with someone? I don't find inconsistency to be very trustworthy in anyone, but that is only my opinion.

    Since neither of you are willing to make any sort of move forward, I think you two are pretty much at a stalemate here. There's definitely an "elephant in the room" that you two seem to be avoiding. You simply need to determine for yourself whether or not he's worth sticking around for.

    Could you tell us a little more what sort of advice you're seeking from us? I'm getting the impression that we're not telling you what you want to hear so far. Please know that we're not trying to make you feel defensive - we're here to try to help and give our perspective and things we've learned from our own experiences. Believe me when I say that we're kind, compassionate people with good intentions.
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    Yes, you are right about my unwillingness to let my guard down and that I do not want a confrontation, especially if it will involve wearing my heart on m sleeve. I also know that to find out what is going on in this mystery will probably have to involve either or both of those, which is probably why the saga continues, much to my dismay and frustration. Every time I think things are O.K. and I feel like maybe I could flirt a bit or let him know he doesn't repulse me, then he pulls a stunt like dashing away suddenly, and I retreat.

    I also agree that there seems to be an elephant in the room, and I think he's aware of it on some level, too. It's funny, but as confident and bold as he appears in some areas, I don't think he feels comfortable going additional steps with me. Without going into too much detail on our previous history before our interactions picked up in January after not running into each other for about three months, he seemed indirect with me a few times while seeming to fish for information about my plans for Vermont one weekend. He also came up with a silly excuse for me to take his number (unrelated to the Vermont conversation), which I did not do but suggested he take mine. He did, but hindsight told me that I should have simply just taken it out of courtesy instead of refusing it. (Between you and me, I knew I wasn't going to use it to call him first but didn't want to tell him that, so I thought I would just throw the ball back into his court.) We ran into each other a couple of times after this conversation outside the venue, but they were short, friendly encounters where nothing really developed. Then we had no contact for about three months, then the "I have a girlfriend now" announcement almost immediately when we ran into each other again in January.

    As far as the kind of advice I am seeking, I appreciate what I have received so far. This situation is very perplexing and challenging, and I need a sounding board to ensure I am not crazy or reading things wrong. I guess I must have appeared defensive somewhere, but it's probably out of frustration in the inconsistency of it all AND my apparent inability to bare my feelings.

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    The saga continues...

    We haven't run into each other for a while, until this week again. When I saw him yesterday, I approached him quietly from behind, as he was in the middle of something and waited for a free moment, then said, "Hello." His return greeting was lukewarm, then I told him a short story of some luck I ran into recently. He listened with mediocre interest (my interpretation!) as he was continuing to do what he was doing, understandably. Then he said he was going. About an hour later, while I was walking on the complete other side of the building, I ran into him again. Because of the tepid response to me earlier, while not slowing down when approaching him, I told him I thought he had left already. He said he was in and out. I kept going as he called out, "Where are you going?" I continued my pace and called over my shoulder, "The other side." (Yes, I felt kind of empowered at that moment!) Oddly enough, when I took a seat in the next area by a mutual acquaintance of ours, I turned around and saw him seated behind me, smiling very sexily and whimsically at me. I asked him if he had wanted to sit where I was (implying that he was waiting for me to move). He simply smiled and said, "No." I then asked if he was waiting for the guy next to me to leave; he smiled and said, "No." Soon after, the guy next to me left, and he sat down. We really did not say much to each other, then he got up and left but said "See ya later." Today, I was there first, and he approached the area from behind and did not greet me. When I noticed him, I initially said nothing but let a few minutes pass before saying "Hello" to him. He returned the greeting, and we didn't speak thereafter. He dashed off again.

    Am I attracted to somebody with an extreme deficiency in social skills or is he just not interested???

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