Need help - ask out for valentines day? What is the best option here?

[canadiandave23]

So my ex broke up with me 8 months ago after a 3 year relationship. Haven’t talked to each other at all during this period but I sent her a looooong message telling her how much she meant to be and essentially saying I wanted to get back together and was still hurting a lot. I also asked whether she would want to spend Valentine’s Day with me. We live very close by and it would be very easy to do this and just see each other at any time but we haven’t since we have been broken up.

My feelings are that she lost attraction to me from me feeling insecure and needy and acting that way towards her over 6 months or so. She does love me and care for me but think she fell out of love with me and realized she doesn’t need me. There are underlying problems as well with communication (she feels she can’t talk to me about important things) but think mainly she just lost her attraction to me.

She replied and said she that she doesn’t feel the same way about me and that she fell out of love with me a long time ago. She admitted things that she had done/couldn’t get over and told me things that she felt in particular had made her make up her mind about breaking up. She says I need to let go and that 8 months down the line she knows she made the right decision. No mention of my offer to spend Valentine’s Day together but she said that when I’m ready and over her or if I want to then maybe we could talk on the phone or in person to try and help me with my emotions. She also mentioned she is still single and is not currently seeing anyone but says she said this just to ease my pain. I am pretty sure she is telling the truth and although may have kissed and slept with other people, don’t think she does have any strong feelings for any other guy at the moment. Bad thing about this is it seems to be mean she really IS over me and is not just using some guy as a rebound to go off. She really doesn’t want to be with me despite being single and probably occasionally missing me and her in a relationship doing couple stuff.

My question is if I do want to attempt to get back with her, what should I do? Or what are people’s advice on here in general?
We had a lot of love for each other over the course of our relationship but she says she is over me and doesn’t think about me or think about a relationship or future with me. Very painful to hear that to say the least. I know we are a great couple though but things just became very unbalanced towards the end. Any advice anyone? I want to win back her attraction but am not sure how. We have had a lot of no contact now but I broke it admittedly and seems the power is still with her. She is not asking to see me – just saying she will be there or will talk on the phone if I need to.

Should I call her and talk on the phone and apologize about some of the things I didn’t realize I’d done wrong? And then arrange to meet? Should I still ask if she wants to spend Valentine’s Day together but just keep it very low key and friendly? Or should I meet up with her? Or should I just send her a reply saying I’m sorry for things I’ve done and that I need time and then contact her later when I feel better. My only fear is that she WILL find someone else and start dating and then I am even further away from any kind of future with her. This is the first real contact we have had in 8 months and could arrange to meet up and try and act myself and not act needy and insecure and just have fun. But at the moment she is not saying we should meet up to act friendly and have fun – she has only mentioned to meet up to help me talk things through if necessary.
Does anyone think there is any hope or chance of getting back together? I love her and care about her a lot and can’t imagine a life without her. Has been very hard over the last 8 months without her but seems she has coped a lot better and is very fine and happier maybe ever without me. Any advice on where to go from here?

Essentially don’t know whether to go no contact again. If so how long? Or to start Texting casually (though this may seem weird as no texts have been sent over the last 8 months). Or whether to meet up.

Do I need to convince her that I have moved on (is this the point I should tell her the breakup was for the best) before she can be attracted to me again? If so should I wait a while before asking to meet up and hang out as friends? If so, how long roughly? Would appreciate it any advice and replies. Am very hurt at the moment. Would appreciate any replies quickly as if anyone thinks I should ask again to spend Valentine’s Day with her then not much time....

[SuperDave71]

CanadianDave,

Welcome to theLoveLogic. Great to have you with us despite your current situation. This may not be an easy pill to swallow but after reading your post, I feel you would just be wasting your time. She has already told you that she "made the right decision." I am sure the times you had together were great but you must understand you have to see things from both sides. Those three years for you could have been the best of times with a wonderful girl but what about her side?

Please understand this has no bearing on you but merely trying to help you understand that when someone is over a relationship, typically nothing is going to work because their minds and hearts have been made up. She sounds like she doesn't want to get together because she doesn't want to hurt you. On the other hand, what if you DID get together and she still felt the same way about you (doesn't want to date you). How would YOU feel? What do you feel your main reasoning for getting together with her would be? If she has already told you how she currently feels and you expect a different result, I believe you are only trying to fool yourself into believing she really wants you back.

I am not trying to be hurtful but I am trying to save you time, heartache, confusion and old feelings resurfacing for no reason. Let this one go my friend. I know it's difficult but she has already been honest with you from the sound of your post. Take her words for truth and move forward to get you back together. You can change who you are but you can't change who she is. I know you love her but you must face facts that she has moved on.

Please take care of yourself. If you have any questions or just need to vent, we are here for you.


Take care,

SuperDave71