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Thread: Depressed and I want her back because... it's not a clean cut, please help

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    Default Depressed and I want her back because... it's not a clean cut, please help

    I broke up with my (now) ex a week and a half ago on February 11, out of sadness I spammed text her on Sunday, she told me to "leave her alone and stop bothering her."

    I actually first initiated breaking up with her on Wednesday Feb 8th due to her bringing up small things and making it big. Then during a short NC period, she called wanted to fix things with me on Feb 11th. We agreed and I went to her place to have a talk. WHile talking, she brought up the subject of lying, basically why she brings small things to bigger things is because I've told white lies. Then she wanted me to come clean, which I did, and it's only my grades (college), second bank account, and finally my application to a graduate school (i told her yes i've applied but truthfully i withdrew my app cuz my test grades were terrible to even be accepted... I was under pressure of her being disappointed if I told her that I didn't, thus i lied.) She told me "see it's hard to trust you when you've told those lies, but now you've come clean. anything else you're hiding from me?"
    At this point, I felt like... well, since she's already emotional about me coming clean, and I thought we're here to fix things by coming clean and not get upset with each other (I understand why she was upset), I decided to test her by lying one last time to her. I told her that i'm actually a year older not two years. When she broke down and cried, I told her, Hey, i've seen enough... your feelings are true to me, I've never seen you express your feelings so true to me, I'm sorry, I lied to test you. Whatever I've said about my age is true, I am still two years older than you." At this point, she freaked out and promptly told me to leave. I had to yell at her to calm her down from freaking out. I asked her does she hate me she said no and ask me so you want me to hate you? I can't hate you. She did say i was like her ex and as manipulative as him. I am still living with the guilt from testing her... I shouldn't even have done that dunno what i was thinking but my instinct took over...()... but i guess my doubt feelings came from being in a previous cheating relationship before this girl. In short, I explained to her insecurities is my biggest issues, and from what she was doing:

    - hanging out with guys by herself, which when we were friends, she didn't bother hanging out with a bunch of guys and i
    - pretty much talk to one of my best friend at 3 am till 5 am while I'm at home worried, texted her and got no reply. I later found out the next day when we were studying in the library that she was talking about her past relationship to my best friend, who's a psychology major, and said it was "easier" to talk to him.
    - And when we first were going out, for some reason she still decided to keep her ex as her friend, WHICH I don't mind, but she keeps reading his messages, like I felt I'm a rebound at that point. I didn't elaborate on that thought, but it crossed my mind. SHe stopped until i told her to block the guy if you don't want to read anymore messages, and she did say it was annoying. Even email, I had to tell her to block him because she told me it's annoying for him to keep emailing her (but she keeps reading it , and telling me she doesn't know how or it doesn't work. I know for a fact that MSN does have a function to block emails, and it's quite effective.

    See... I know i'm wrong for doubting, but things like this, again I don't know about cultures, but in Asian culture, this is quite a debated topic, and she knows it too.)[/B] AFter all that She promptly again, told me to leave. I left her and told her, if i do something crazy tonight, don't worry about me, and you'll never hear from me again." out of desperation... she told me why do you say that? you're just adding more stress on me. I told her don't worry... you won't see me again and I left.

    The NC period started after that spammed text session of mine on Sunday, which like i said above, she told me dude leave me alone and stop bothering me. I listened to her and kept my distance, but until an organization decided to call me and hire me (three days later), which without her help, I wouldn't be able to get in, so I sent her a facebook message saying "thank you for helping me out." Then two days later, i sent her a wholeheartedly facebook message about wanting to finish the reconciliation process talk through my own point of view (i just wrote down what i was gonna say about her shortcomings before being interrupted by my stupid action), as well as writing about the good times I've had with her, and a final saying ", hey, I am sorry for lying to you for that time, I know now that you don't want to see me, nor care about me, I understand. Just letting you know that I know it's selfish to even try, it's futile, so with all the shortcomings i've listed, please do well with your future love... I'm sorry for everything, and farewell, may we meet again someday." IN conclusion, my facebook message was NOT about reconcicilation, but a wish for good luck and hope she'll change (kinda messed up if you think about it... since i messed it up in the beginning lol...) I took a nap, and had a nightmare about us breaking up, which was true, and i for some reason texted her and told her to read my facebook message.

    With that, she texted her best friend, who's still my friend, to tell me to "leave her alone and let her have some space, no facebook messages are going to fix things." It's been two days, I am left to ponder NOW does my ex hate me? and if I employ the NC rule, would I ever EVER have a chance to win her back? I love her still, very dearly. Please help me out.

    In the meantime, I am seeing a counselor for lying habits/cowardice. My ex is an independent person, strong willed. SHe did pointed out that I needed to be ambitious, strong, and learn to give a girl her space before we had the break down during the ill-fated reconciliation process, basically the attractive traits of man. So out of respect now, I am giving her space. I'm just wondering after a period of NC (don't know how long that will be), do I still have the rights to contact her, and if so, do I have any chances of winning her back? Plus I keep wondering what she's thinking of me, even now... torture...

    One last note, she still keeps facebook pictures of me and her together, I know she goes on sometimes to check messages i wrote, but she doesn't delete them. However, her profile pic and status is her alone and is single. and I know that facebook pictures don't mean a thing.
    since i've realized the break up was my fault, thus i'm living with the guilt, but ultimately it's me that's going to change not mainly for a chance to get back with her, but for myself. I want to be an honest person... but then again, I want her back as well. COnfusing moments... Please help me...

    sorry, the bolded portions are for easy distinguishment from the excessive usage of parantheses.

    Thank you

    But I do realize what was the problem with the relationship: trust. It is the issue that ultimately destroyed our relationship. I've come to terms with my guilt (still a bit of guilt left and a bit terrible haha). She admitted herself that she was a bitter and holding grudge type of person, which I don't like. Now with all my feelings sort of straight, do i have a chance to win her back? this is what's killing me... sory you guys for the long read...

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    Hi there and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're suffering right now, and please be assured that we will do all we can to advise you.

    Right now, all you can do is nothing. Nothing you can do or say to her is going to make a difference at this point because quite honestly, you've freaked her out to a point that she really does need her space. All it will achieve is to make things worse. She has told you to leave her alone. I know you have admitted that you're insecure, and most (if not all) of your actions scream insecurity. Even the threat of "if i do something crazy tonight, don't worry about me, and you'll never hear from me again" is a test. You want a reaction from her that can help confirm how she feels. Sadly, even if you get the reaction you desire, the damage is already done. You cannot force someone to react the way you want them to, nor can you bully people into giving you what you need from them. Just because she may not react/give the way you want her to, does not mean she does not give all that SHE can give. Every person is different.


    As difficult as it is, NC is the only way to go. You need to focus 100% on yourself now mate. Work on the parts of you that you need to. You need to learn to love yourself, I'm not talking about conceit, I'm talking about a healthy respect for yourself. Once you can master that, your insecurities will fade. You will no longer seek for others to provide your happiness as you will provide it yourself from within. Your relationships from that point will take on a whole new meaning. Not only will you be fulfilled, but your partner will be too. You cannot burden another with the pressure of making you happy, that is not their job. If you are not internally happy, that person is fighting a losing battle anyway because you will never be happy. Take it from someone who has been where you are, and knows how you feel.

    No contact isn't about winning anyone back, and there isn't a strict timeline. However, the logic here, is that once you are emotionally healthy again, and worked on yourself to a point that you finally love and accept who YOU are, you will become a MUCH more attractive proposition to ANY woman. Not only that, but you won't have to prove it because it will be obvious from your actions. When you are at THAT point,... the point where you actually don't care whether she wants you or not,... THEN you are ready to be back in contact with her. This is about self preservation, and about protecting your heart my friend. I would be very surprised if you are still interested in rekindling a relationship with her once you have reached this point.

    It's great that you are seeking help, but to me, ALL of the lying etc is down to insecurity. The tests you speak of for her are your way of needing to have that confirmation of her feelings for you. I kinda get that mate, but noone appreciates games, and the more it happens (lying, tests, etc), the more you will drive people away from you.

    I know this hurts, it hurts like hell, but use this time to focus on getting YOU back first. If she is going to return to you, she will. One thing is for sure, it won't be because you tricked her into it. It will be because she wants to. Your feelings are far from straight buddy, there is no logic to love,... which is why you need to be healed before you can make rational choices about it.

    This is about YOU, the more you torture yourself and over analyse everything you/she did and said, the worse you will feel. Make the decision to stop assuming how she feels, stop analysing everything, get away from social networking sites and think about YOUR healing. Once you're all healed and ready to face the world again, we can talk about winning her back,.... my disclaimer here is, if you still want to win her back, you're not healed!

    We'ere here if you need us buddy, hang in there.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Thanks Dan, I appreciate the thoughtfulness. I am now going to the gym and concentrate on improving myself and my test scores for graduate schools. Hopefully those will keep my mind off of things and her too. Problem is sometimes she keeps popping back haha. Anyways, thank you so much for the help this forum is great i'll keep in touch with my update.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dan72 View Post
    Hi there and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're suffering right now, and please be assured that we will do all we can to advise you.

    Right now, all you can do is nothing. Nothing you can do or say to her is going to make a difference at this point because quite honestly, you've freaked her out to a point that she really does need her space. All it will achieve is to make things worse. She has told you to leave her alone. I know you have admitted that you're insecure, and most (if not all) of your actions scream insecurity. Even the threat of "if i do something crazy tonight, don't worry about me, and you'll never hear from me again" is a test. You want a reaction from her that can help confirm how she feels. Sadly, even if you get the reaction you desire, the damage is already done. You cannot force someone to react the way you want them to, nor can you bully people into giving you what you need from them. Just because she may not react/give the way you want her to, does not mean she does not give all that SHE can give. Every person is different.


    As difficult as it is, NC is the only way to go. You need to focus 100% on yourself now mate. Work on the parts of you that you need to. You need to learn to love yourself, I'm not talking about conceit, I'm talking about a healthy respect for yourself. Once you can master that, your insecurities will fade. You will no longer seek for others to provide your happiness as you will provide it yourself from within. Your relationships from that point will take on a whole new meaning. Not only will you be fulfilled, but your partner will be too. You cannot burden another with the pressure of making you happy, that is not their job. If you are not internally happy, that person is fighting a losing battle anyway because you will never be happy. Take it from someone who has been where you are, and knows how you feel.

    No contact isn't about winning anyone back, and there isn't a strict timeline. However, the logic here, is that once you are emotionally healthy again, and worked on yourself to a point that you finally love and accept who YOU are, you will become a MUCH more attractive proposition to ANY woman. Not only that, but you won't have to prove it because it will be obvious from your actions. When you are at THAT point,... the point where you actually don't care whether she wants you or not,... THEN you are ready to be back in contact with her. This is about self preservation, and about protecting your heart my friend. I would be very surprised if you are still interested in rekindling a relationship with her once you have reached this point.

    It's great that you are seeking help, but to me, ALL of the lying etc is down to insecurity. The tests you speak of for her are your way of needing to have that confirmation of her feelings for you. I kinda get that mate, but noone appreciates games, and the more it happens (lying, tests, etc), the more you will drive people away from you.

    I know this hurts, it hurts like hell, but use this time to focus on getting YOU back first. If she is going to return to you, she will. One thing is for sure, it won't be because you tricked her into it. It will be because she wants to. Your feelings are far from straight buddy, there is no logic to love,... which is why you need to be healed before you can make rational choices about it.

    This is about YOU, the more you torture yourself and over analyse everything you/she did and said, the worse you will feel. Make the decision to stop assuming how she feels, stop analysing everything, get away from social networking sites and think about YOUR healing. Once you're all healed and ready to face the world again, we can talk about winning her back,.... my disclaimer here is, if you still want to win her back, you're not healed!

    We'ere here if you need us buddy, hang in there.
    Hey Dan, Lonelyjerk here, it's been a month of not contacting the ex girlfriend, and i do feel a bit better i.e still blame myself but it doesn't hurt as much. I am wondering now what to do with emotional relapse. Today was a hard hitter, I've tried to stay away from social net working sites, they're poisonous, but in the end i saw her having fun and emotional just went back tome. COurse it doesn't hurt as much as before, but still it's hell because i do need to get her off of my mind as soon as i can to study for my exam, but at this rate, i don't think i'll ever gonna make it. Since i have to study/staying home, it's lonely there, and you know ,being lonely, mind will start to think of the ex. any advices here would be great.

    Btw, i still do want her back, but i do know that now or even in the near future it's impossible (kinda come to terms with it if you will). Just wanna get her appearances out of my head...

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    Hey Buddy,

    Welcome back, and well done on the no contact . The fact that you can now begin to see the benefit, should spur you on to keep going until you are fully healed.

    You will find that you have good days and bad days, and times when you unexpectedly find something out and you feel that you have taken 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I remember those feelings very well, but I also remember that although finding stuff out hurt, that pain didn't actually last too long, just a few days. Stick with it buddy because you WILL get over this. You just have to keep reminding yourself of that, and stay away from any further posibilities of finding anything out. Sadly when we're hurting, we over analyse everrrryyyythinggg, and that NEVER helps.

    If you're as determined as I was to genuinely want to stop thinking about her, you really need to let every thought of her pass you by, and not let it sit and fester. Just let it go, like any other thought you have. The pain only comes when we dwell on a thought, or a feeling. It is within your power to reduce the pain. The time it takes to fully heal is really down to you and if you allow those thoughts to torture you. Remember this, she is not hurting you (how can she? You haven't seen or spoken to her in over a month!), you are hurting yourself with the thoughts.

    You CAN do this mate,
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dan72 View Post
    Hey Buddy,

    Welcome back, and well done on the no contact . The fact that you can now begin to see the benefit, should spur you on to keep going until you are fully healed.

    You will find that you have good days and bad days, and times when you unexpectedly find something out and you feel that you have taken 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I remember those feelings very well, but I also remember that although finding stuff out hurt, that pain didn't actually last too long, just a few days. Stick with it buddy because you WILL get over this. You just have to keep reminding yourself of that, and stay away from any further posibilities of finding anything out. Sadly when we're hurting, we over analyse everrrryyyythinggg, and that NEVER helps.

    If you're as determined as I was to genuinely want to stop thinking about her, you really need to let every thought of her pass you by, and not let it sit and fester. Just let it go, like any other thought you have. The pain only comes when we dwell on a thought, or a feeling. It is within your power to reduce the pain. The time it takes to fully heal is really down to you and if you allow those thoughts to torture you. Remember this, she is not hurting you (how can she? You haven't seen or spoken to her in over a month!), you are hurting yourself with the thoughts.

    You CAN do this mate,
    thanks dan! it's encouraging to hear some good advices. I know that as of right now nothing i can do to make things better between her and I, so I've already let her go and accepted the break up. I wonder, when is it ok for me to actually get to talk to her, not getting her back of course, but as friends? I know that it should be around the time when i just don't give a crap anymore about her, but the thought of it kinda lingers haha

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    Aha, you have answered your own question my friend.... the thoughts linger because the feelings do, and hence, you are not ready to be friends with her.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    My ex and I have broken up about 3 weeks ago. I was the one who initiated the break up out of mis undersatnding. We got into a fight for a reason that we normally argue about but that time it was different. 2 days after I've broken up with her I met up with her and we talked. I was begging her to come back but she was crying and was obviously angry at me,"I'm sick and tired of you" is what she said. I was shocked because I expected that everything would be okay. In the end of that, I just accepted the break up and offered yo be ftiends, she approved with no doubt.
    We got together a week after because it was her birthday. She acted cold when I message her but when we are together she's fine. After that Ive not contacted her for about a week. Just yesterday I invited her over to my place for some nachos, I was comfortable and I feel that she was too. She even shared a personal problem and cried on my shoulder. But is this right? I want her back but I'm not sure how should I act towards her. We've been together for a year and 7 months btw. I'm not sure of what to do next. Please help me, I need guidance. Thanks

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    Dear Macksteer,

    Update us please, what's happening now? Then we can see how you have progressed and you might even have some advice or a story to tell for others.

    Thanks.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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