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Thread: Holiday texts.....

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    Default Holiday texts.....

    So I dated a guy for 8 months when i found out he was also seeing someone else as well. He admitted it as i was expressing confusion over his elusive behavior. I decided i didnt want to be involved in something so casual and told him i couldnt see him anymore (I was in love with him by this time)
    He wound up with the other girl by default i guess. He wanted both of us casually-but that wasnt going to pan out well for me.
    After a change of heart i decided that i WAS interested in dating casually him and other guys as well so i decided to tell him. We talked about it and I saw him a few times after our conversation. Wonderful connected time as usual.
    However apparently the other woman found our somehow and gave him an ultimatum...her or nothing. He chose her. He made that decision for whatever good reason he had. I respected it. I was heartbroken. Our relationship was a bit long distance-but manageable and we had a fantastic time always. got along famously.
    I accepted graciously and with dignity. I didnt beg, plead or try to change his mind. We parted as friends.
    No contact since end of December 2011.
    My stuff is there-his stuff is here. important things not insignificant trinkets.
    ON Valentines Day I get a text message...sweet-casual- however NOT a mass text.
    I replied happily and lightly.
    My question:
    Valentines day is for lovers.... NOT friends.
    He broke up with me. Chose someone else. Why text me?

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    Hrm...usually when an ex sends you a holiday text of some kind out of nowhere, it means they're trying to see if they'll get a reaction of some kind from you. What reaction he wants, I have no idea, but in my experience, exes will do this to find out whether the person they broke up with still has feelings for them. It doesn't necessarily mean they want to get back together...sometimes it's simply an ego thing. But I'm not going to speculate on what he's thinking, since I don't know him.

    My advice is not to respond, but that is only my opinion.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Hello and welcome. I have an idea he was seeing if you were still around. You are what we refer to as a "safey-net". (a back-up in case he chooses to leave the other) He wants his cake and eat it too so to speak. It is obvious this guy enjoys the chase but certainly is not interestes in a long term commitment. I understand he chose the other girl but you also have to think if he WAS with you....would the OTHER girl be getting a text on valentine's day?

    You are much better off without him. Take the higher road and know that what happened is the best for you. I know you love the guy but that is the easy part. The secret is keeping the love.


    Take care,


    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    I get so discouraged when i hear things like that.
    Does EVERYONE have a motive? Always?
    I wonder if there ever such a thing as "he was thinking of me and maybe misses me".? Is it even possible?
    Has any guy ever left and regretted it but wouldnt say anything to the other person? Or stay in the other relationship cause it was just ok? ? or convenient?
    Is there a man out there willing to comment?
    I would love to hear from you.

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    Sure, that has happened from time to time, but the reason why I'm a bit skeptical about your ex is simply because, if he truly misses you and wants you back, then why is he only sending you a random text to wish you a happy Valentine's Day? I merely think that if he wanted you back, he'd put in a bit more effort than that. Has he followed up his text with any more communication?

    This is merely my opinion, and I know it isn't what anyone wants to hear. I also know that I am not a man (though SuperDave, who has commented, is). Nobody likes being "second best," and when we've been rejected by someone, we want nothing more than them to come running back to us, realizing they made a mistake, and committing to us instead. Sometimes that happens...not as often as it does in romantic comedies, but it can happen. However, to me, the person who does make such a gesture has to try a little harder to fix the damage than a text after several months of no contact.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Hi there,

    No, not everyone has a motive, of course not. Of course it's possible that he just misses you, but coupled with the rest of the story, in my opinion (also a guy), I would have to agree with Kel.

    Personally, If I had made a choice and later regretted it, there is no way I would stick with that decision and not say anything. Why would I if I could potentially correct it? Why would I remain miserable if I didn't have to? Ultimately, all any of us wants is to be happy. 'Ok' or 'convenient' is not the same thing. Sadly, some people have an ego that requires constant feeding,... they (well, their ego) needs to know they are desired. Once their ego is satisfied, THEY have no reason (or need) to pursue further. If their ego is drip fed, that's all it needs.

    His ego needs to know he could have you if he wanted to,... but if he actually did want to, he would already be yours. Actions speak louder than words hon, so you can listen to his words (or texts), but if he follows it up with nothing, that's all you're left with.

    I know it's hard when you love someone to hear things you do not want to hear. I'm sure you'll disagree with us all because your heart is hurting and is seeking comfort. We understand that, totally. There are a few of things you need to remember. Firstly, none of us know either of you, and can only state our opinions based on what you have told us. Could we be wrong? Absolutely. These are only our opinions from what you have said. Secondly, sometimes it's easier for someone on the outside to look at a situation objectively, by using the facts rather than the emotions involved. Finally, all of us here have been through heartbreak. We know how hard it is, and the emotions you deal with. We know all of the assumptions that are made, all of the 'what if's' and have heard the stories of many, many people on this site who come here for comfort. The basics never change, the hopes we all hold and the pain we all face. We will only ever give our honest and heartfelt opinions to help people to reach their own conclusions and actions.

    Whether people choose to listen to our words or guidance is, of course, their choice. Our only aim is to help people to heal from their pain.
    Last edited by Dan72; 03-02-2012 at 06:18 PM.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    thank you all for your observations.
    I do think there is more to the story but i am reluctant to post here since it is a public forum. Your assessment is correct based on what i was able to disclose.
    Your words are gentle and kind. Lots of truth to them and i understand your points and they all make sense.
    I am not pinning. I am living. However, just trying to make sense of things that to me as a person are confusing.
    I would only text someone i was thinking about and missed, so in my head there is no other motive-ever.
    As far as his being with me, well sometimes the timing is off and where other people are involved it isn't always as easy as it sounds to make decisions that serve your own happiness. And people stay in convenient relationships more often than we might admit. For many reasons and even if they are just Ok and not great.
    I suppose only time will tell me the truth.
    The only way to ever have something (or someone) is to let go freely and only then will it ever be able top find its way back.
    I feel that and believe it in my soul.
    I have that faith.
    my thanks for your support.


    just some of my thoughts as a follow up to your comments:
    I know what you are trying to say, and i know you have all been in my shoes.
    There was a time when this man cared about me. We tend to always assume that men do not feel as deeply as women or are have as complicated feelings as we do. I tend to disagree. I just think they show them less often and are less clear about them, or we wouldn't be inclined to ask questions on forums about their behavior.
    Of course his Ego may play a role in this, but that is only one part of the dynamic.
    He is not unkind. We had great connected times when we were together. They were real and I don't necessarily agree that just because someone is with someone new doesn't mean they don't still have feelings for you or think about you at all. This happened only 2 months ago.
    Many an ex have found their way back to in good time. Patience and trusting in the unforseen is what makes love so incredibly powerful.
    thank you again for your help.

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    Hey hon,

    I totally agree that many people do remain in a relationship that is just 'ok' etc. They do so for various reasons (or a collection of all of them!). Many would rather be with *someone* than alone. My point was, that if that person had the prospect of being with someone they actually wanted to be with, rather than a convenient one, they would take it.

    In my past, from the girlfriends I have had, I only loved 2 of them. The rest were really just good friends to me. I felt no physical attraction for them, and certainly had no real desire to kiss them etc. It's extremely difficult to tell someone you love them,... but in my view, it's harder to tell someone that you don't, especially when that person is in love with you. Anyway, I made a decision a few years ago to never be with someone I didn't love (or could potentially love), and never to settle. I'd rather be alone that in that situation again. If everyone took that same stance, I think the world would be practically full of singletons.

    If you browse through this forum, you will find many guys who have loved deeply (myself and SuperDave included). I do believe that men and woman can hold different values to what is important in a relationship, which is where compromise comes into play . Understanding each others needs and being willing to accept and celebrate those differences. I think that young love tends be quite selfish. Not in a deliberate way, but just because we all need to learn what it means. I remember how I felt it was my right to have everything my way, and never really thought about what that meant for my partner. Always having to be right, and have the 'power'. As we grow, we learn to understand that love isn't about power, it's about working together so that both of you can be happy and have fulfillment.

    When we talk about ego, it's comes across as an evil quality. If you have a healthy level of self respect and confidence, it does not have to cause anyone any problems. However, having an inflated feeling of pride or self-worth with no regard for anyone else or their feelings is simply disgusting. Personally, I have always struggled to understand how anyone can find huge ego's attractive,.... but I guess it comes down to the confidence it shows. If we believe what we are told about what women find attractive, number 1 is always confidence. In my opinion, confidence is attractive, arrogance is revolting, and there is a fine line. I avoid arrogant people as I find it difficult to bite my tongue enough to spend any amount of time in their company. Strangely we're told arrogance comes from deep issues with insecurity. Having said all of that, I also believe that as we mature, we start to understand what is and isn't acceptable and ego's deflate to an acceptable level in most people. I've heard many times that "Oooh I had SUCH an ego when I was young". It's all a learning curve.


    I agree that sometimes exes reunite, but not always for the right reasons. I would also agree 100% that your ex still thinks about you. The part only HE will know is what he actually thinks about. I still think about my ex, but only in passing and wondering how she is and if she every thinks about me. Never through yearning or a need to pick up where we left off. Again, I guess my point here was, if the 'thinking' was strong enough to envoke strong enough feelings, he would act on those feelings.

    Ultimately hon, let it go. If he comes back to you, you then have the choice as to whether you want to rekindle your relationship or not. If he doesn't, well then you have your answer. However don't hold out for him, don't let it consume you. Move forward with your life and my guess is that long before he comes back, you'll have found someone new and be delighted that this guy left you.
    -Peace
    Dan

  9. #9
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    Blunt as always, here we go

    From my male point of view it's not something out of the ordinary...words are nice but actions are what form the reality we live in and judging on actions only you get this :

    1. You and him together -> he cheats, keeps another girl around
    2. You leave -> he remains with the other girl
    3. You come back, accept being the "other girl" -> back to square 1 -> he cheats the other girl with you
    4. The other girl finds out, makes a "fight or flight" stand -> he pulls a "forced dump" on you

    I'm not sorry for pointing this out, but if you already went volunteering for the drama, offering yourself on a plate, fully aware of the implications and signaling "I don't care if i'm number 2" ONCE, why do you act so surprised when the drama comes looking for you? It's not unusual for a cheater to keep cheating and make another attempt after being caught red-handed - he didn't CHOOSE to dump you as number 2 and end a dualism that he liked so much, a dualism he knew you agreed with. It's fairly normal that he'll try again once he either calmed the situation at home or improved his cheating skills to a better detection avoidance....after all he still remembers that the love triangle wasn't ended by his own choice nor by yours. To me, he's just looking for a new opening to re-establish the old triangle. If he would have had sincere intentions, as Kel pointed it out, he'd find a ton of other ways to make himself clear.

    To be extremely blunt, after reading your posts and seeing the reasoning behind your ideas, i'd say that it wouldn't take to much attention from him for you to happily become his number 2 again. Sure, it's easy to find plausible reasons to get into and stick in that position again as the world is full of "maybe"s and "what if"s thinking maybe this time is for real or he'll choose you (after all, if the other girl started at no.2 and became no.1, why shouldn't be that possible in your case?) but honestly, you are not a Victim but a Volunteer.

    It might seem as straight to the face acid shower, but to me you're only looking for conscience reinforcing arguments here to serve you in the event of him wanting you back as his safety net. This is not about the pain of a broken relationship and the desperation of realizing the lies of a cheater...to me this is about playing games and getting disappointed when you've been overplayed. There's a lot of talk about Ego here but how come, after you experienced being cheated, in your grief and sadness actually opted to become the person to cheat with? Felt that good living a lie that you honestly had to make the other girl share it and step in her shoes? Seriously, look back at your posts...he's this, he's that, then back to "he's actually this other thing or i know him better" when being cornered and eventually to the supreme "I'll just wait to see how the chips fall and just go with it" reasoning. This is running from responsibility at it's finest if you ask me...what is built on lies, will eventually succumb and drown in them.

    Does his Valentines greeting signal interest? - Yes
    Will he continue to look for a way back in? - Yes
    If you respond will he play along? - Yes
    Will that lead to the two of you getting back together ? - Yes, to the love triangle, No to an exclusive relationship

    That's my take
    Cheers, Mike

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    Mike,
    I cannot tell you how interesting your reply is.. How it made me think. Again, i am sooooo thankful for the time you and Dan took and the insight you both offer.
    Dan being less blunt and more coddling but you both making the same point essentially!
    I am going to read it once again and respond to your points. Its seems my quick description of what happened is clouding the issue. There are more details I intentionally left out for privacy.
    I can share them later.
    t.

  11. #11
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    Hey toosmiley, don't get me wrong judging only by my abrasive point of view...
    My post was about 3 things : False hopes, playing games and Actions vs Words....how these three connect and which is root of the other is for you to judge and appreciate. I ain't against friends with benefits scenarios but when one part is acting fueled by false hopes two things are usually bound to happen:

    a) the other side will exploit them but will keep a "act a fool" card for a quick exit
    b) leads to frustration as in time you realize your status won't change

    The Actions vs Words principle was debated here in great detail by Dave, Dan, Kel and many other before (i do suggest reading everything they wrote so far) and it's pointless to say that even if it's seems easy to spot and use, it's amazing how often we fail to spot it both in other people's behavior towards us and in ours regarding them. It's way easier to start finding justifications to put your mind at ease and accept certain painful situations than is to face them for what they really mean and what impact they have on you.

    I'd love to hear an extended version and i belive it will also help you see things in a different perspective.

    Cheers, Mike

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    your abrasive point of view is really what i need. trust me. I appreciate it.

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