Am I wrong?

**warpedlogic** · 02-28-2012, 04:52 PM

Hey all! I'm currently in a relationship with a girl (I'm 28, she's 26) and we have been living together for the past 2 years and a few months. We have been together for almost 5. For the last year and a half, I've been struggling with her to clean up after herself. She literally does nothing around the house and I'm fine with that for the common stuff, but there should be individual stuff as well that you should be responsible for, seemingly IMO. We've talked about this several times and she isn't making any effort to improve these issues. On top of that, talking to her about anything serious about us is like a child getting their first haircut. The issues are the following:

Rinse off dishes when being put in the sink
When you use/eat something, toss the wrapper or trash
Laundry does not belong on the floor whether clean or dirty
The floor in the bedroom isn't a junk collector area
Keep closet tidy so I can at least open my side (this is recent)
Put makeup and things away when done with them, don't just leave them on the counter in the bathroom

I'm seriously ready to leave her over this, but before I do I just want to know if I have valid points. Thanks!

**SuperDave71** · 02-28-2012, 05:05 PM

warpedlogic,

Welcome to theLoveLogic. I am a neat freak myself so maybe I am not the one who should be giving advice to you on this one. I used to be a very messy kid until as I got older, I couldn't stand clutter. The way I see it is simple. If you asked nicely and she refuses to even make an effort, she doesn't care about how you feel. The main thing to remember is NOT to leave her due to being cluttered but out of the fact she doesn't value the same things you do. If you take great pride in keeping things nice and tidy and she doesn't...nothing is going to change her mind but HER.

Take care...we have some of the best members out there to give advice. I am sure you will have a second opinion on this one.

-SuperDave71

**warpedlogic** · 02-28-2012, 05:20 PM

Thanks for the reply! I'm not even remotely close to be even nominated for a 'neat freak' title (dishes pile up, it takes a while for me to dust...which reminds me..., laundry piles up) but it's not impacting her. Her things are impacting me like being unable to open the closet or walk into the bedroom or even use the counter in the bathroom. I don't know, but you do have a valid point that if she isn't even trying then that show's what she thinks of my feelings.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 02-28-2012, 06:13 PM

Another neat freak here, so I might not be able to give an objective opinion here.

To me, the things you listed are not at all unreasonable, nor are they partcularly complicated. They're things you do out of common courtesy when you share a living space with somebody. While I generally try to empathize with people, I can't really understand why these are things she can't do...especially when they don't require much time or effort!

The fact is that you BOTH live there...not just her. I agree with Dave here...if you've repeatedly talked to her about this and she has repeatedly ignored it, then I question how much effort she wants to put into the relationship itself. Especially since you mentioned that it's like pulling teeth to get her to talk seriously with you about the relationship. How is her maturity level in general? Her repeated refusals to help out strike me as passive-aggressive.

Bottom line: it isn't fair to you to put you in charge of keeping your living space...you know...liveable.

**warpedlogic** · 02-28-2012, 06:28 PM

Well at least I'm not crazy here. I mean, if she did this stuff every few weeks I'd be happy, but this is stuff that's never done and as an adult, it should be trivial at worst to have these not pile up. On the maturity side, I'm starting to question that myself. I recently lost a lot of weight and want to replace a suit (she lost a little less than I). She threw a fit and "couldn't understand why" I "needed a new suit" for job interviews (i already have a job, but want better). I didn't get it and still don't. However, when I later spent almost 250 on her for vday (which was only a couple days later), she didn't bat an eye. I honestly think she's just genuinely spoiled. She constantly refers to herself as a "princess" and whenever I want to go do stuff on my own, she acts like the sky is falling however she doesn't hesitate to make plans with her friends.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 02-28-2012, 07:44 PM

Uh...wow...she does sound a bit like a princess...and not in a particularly good way. She doesn't sound particularly supportive or compassionate. Do you think she's someone you want to continue to live with?

**SuperDave71** · 02-29-2012, 09:25 AM

However, when I later spent almost 250 on her for vday (which was only a couple days later), she didn't bat an eye. I honestly think she's just genuinely spoiled.

Major Red Flag!

-SuperDave71

**warpedlogic** · 02-29-2012, 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee

Uh...wow...she does sound a bit like a princess...and not in a particularly good way. She doesn't sound particularly supportive or compassionate. Do you think she's someone you want to continue to live with?

Which is the million dollar question. I do want to live and be with her, but not if this is how she's going to be. Funny thing is that none of this was exhibited until a few months after she moved in. We've been together a long time and I'd hate to throw it to the wind, but at least we don't have a child and aren't married.

Yes, I know that's a red flag...my op is riddled with red flags that I've been too blind to see. Back in HS I used to give relationship advice to my friends, but here we are far away from HS and I still can't follow my own. *sigh* sad days ahead. Thanks for letting me know I'm not crazy.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 02-29-2012, 01:46 PM

Ah, it's always easier to see someone else's red flags than your own - sometimes "love goggles" can cloud your vision a bit.

I've never lived with anyone before, but I would think that you see a LOT of new things when you move in with someone - all those little things you never had to see before are suddenly a constant part of your life. No matter how much time you spend at each other's places before moving in, you still don't usually pick up on weird personal habits like that.

It sounds like you need to have a very straightforward talk with her about her behavior and let her know that this isn't going to fly with you...even if you have to staple her to the chair. Because, in my opinion, she really needs to cut the crap.

If you let her get away with things like that, she'll keep doing it because she can. If you tell her you're not going to put up with it anymore, then you're giving her a clear choice: either stop being a princess, or deal with the consequences by herself.

It's understandable that you don't want to have to throw all that time away...nobody ever does.

**wintermute92** · 03-04-2012, 10:22 PM

I had the same problem in college when the person I had to share a student apartment would not clean up after herself. I got sick of it being left for me to pick up so I just cleaned up after myself and left all her dishes, litter etc.. to one side. I kept doing this until she got sick of looking at the growing mess, and got the message that I wasn't her serveant. We were friends but she didn't get mad or anything. In fact she realized what shed been putting me through all that time... Try it

**Susie1** · 05-03-2012, 10:51 AM

I am In exactly the same situation as you but i am the one who does all the cleaning and my bf does nothing. He leaves dirty clothes on the floor for me to pick up, never does washing up, he uses washing machine once a year and hoover- almost at all, he also leaves empty bottles of beer everywhere, even in the bathroom and the same goes about food. When i tell him to at least put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, he does it for a day and thats it, back to square one. When i tell him to help out, he says he will get a cleaner so i stop nagging him. Its hard to just leave a mess when you dont want to live in a mess, i know. I am not sure if i would break up with someone over it but if it really bothered me and they showed no effort, then i would consider it.

**SuperDave71** · 05-03-2012, 10:58 AM

Susie1,

Does your boyfriend have a listening issue or does he have a "I am not listening TO YOU" issue? What is your input on this?

-SuperDave71

**Susie1** · 05-03-2012, 11:13 AM

He doesnt like to be told off, if i ask him to do something, he agrees just to shut me up, if he doesnt agree, he walks off. He cant take being told off. To be honest i am at the point where i think whats the point trying to say something, he will just walk away. So i would say he doesnt listen.

**daveiscool** · 05-03-2012, 11:48 AM

Am not a neat freak but whoever I share my space with I keep it tidy, I would hate to disrespect anyone let alone those whom I hold dear by being a mess. As someone mentioned its common courtesy and if a person acts otherwise, its disrespectful and maybe on another level taking someone for granted

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 05-04-2012, 09:03 AM

Susie1 -

There's a difference between being "told off" and being asked to be courteous, I think. Can he not tell the difference between to two, or is there little difference between the two in the first place?

If it's the former, then I'm curious - is he three years old and completely "me" centered? If it's the latter, then there may be a communication issue between the two of you.