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Thread: Am I wrong?

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    Hi Kelley ( dont freak out i know your name, i read it in different post lol). I would say he definitely has communication issues but he makes me feel its all me. When i try to say i am not happy with something, he just walks away, he says he cant do with arguing. He does act very childishly, but hey ho thats just him. I am used to cleaning the house myself, but it does wind me up when he leaves dirty socks by the laundry basket and finds it so difficult to open the lid and put the socks into the basket.

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    Susie,

    As I see it, you can affect his response. He doesn't like being told off, so don't tell him off. Instead ask, in a loving way, "Would you mind putting your dirty clothes in the hamper please darling, it's really helpful when you do that, it makes laundry much less work, thank you my <insert pet name/affectionate name>."

    Then when he does it, (yes I know this sounds crazy) you could give him a big kiss and cuddle / if you have time/inclination sex.

    No, it's not emotional/sexual blackmail, there is no suggestion of withholding love/sex otherwise.

    It's carrot instead of stick.

    Also, any time he does something right, you could make a mental note and next time you are kissing him and cuddling him, tell him how wonderful and helpful that thing he did was and how you really appreciated it.

    You're associating him doing those actions, with him getting something out of it. You are reprogramming his brain, his neural pathways will link "put items in laundry basket" = more sex, therefore getting him to put the items in the laundry basket.

    For all those out there who may be about to say, that's Pavlov's dogs response; indeed it is. We still all work this way.

    Also you could substitute something else as the carrot, i.e. make him his favourite meal. I know food and sex, is that all men think about...well to be fair Maslow's hierarchy says it is important to all humans, they are part of basic needs.

    For all the men who may be saying, this is a bit unfair come'on. You can do precisely the same thing for your woman.

    If you like something she's done, tell her and show her you appreciate it. Give her a massage whilst telling her how wonderful it was when she tidied away her make up, how you really appreciated it. Next time she clears her side of the closet so you can get into it properly, do something she really likes, for her, in return (yes, this can include sex, we also are driven that way!).

    For those who are interested here is some science behind this:

    Development of food aversions during illness
    IL Bernstein - Proceedings of the Nutrition Society, 1994 - Cambridge Univ Press

    When animals eat a particular food before receiving a drug or radiation treatment that
    induces gastrointestinal discomfort, they subsequently avoid that food (Garcia et al.
    1966; Garcia & Koelling, 1966). This response, termed a learned food aversion,
    apparently occurs because symptoms induced by the toxic treatment become associated
    with the food, producing a marked reduction in preference for that food.
    Several controlled studies of food aversion learning in humans have also been
    reported. In one study from my own laboratory we examined whether pediatric cancer
    patients receiving drugs which were associated with nausea and vomiting would acquire
    aversions to a novel ice cream consumed before their drug treatments (Bernstein, 1978).
    We found that children who consumed the ice cream before receiving GI-toxic
    chemotherapy were much less willing to eat that ice cream again some weeks later than
    were children in control groups who had either been exposed to the ice cream or the drug
    treatments but not both. Thus, children will avoid eating a food which previously has
    been associated with GI-toxic chemotherapy. Furthermore, this learning is not limited to
    children, as similar results have been obtained with adult patients (Bernstein & Webster,
    1980).

    Anyway, I hope that's helpful. Generally IMHO it's nicer to lead by example and encourage by reward not punishment.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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