"I screwed up!"

[Dan72]

I just wanted to make a quick observation about something we hear very frequently on the forum. I used to say the same things, but now I see things very differently.

Often on the brink of a break up, we feel that we are walking on eggshells, scared that we will say or do the wrong thing and leave the relationship completely in tatters. More often than not, from holding back all the pain we hold inside, we have an outburst (or several!). We are hurting and need to let them know how we are feeling etc. Things then go from bad to worse.... we utter those immortal words, "that's it, I've screwed it up completely now". Let's look at this from a more logical perspective:

As we learn about what happens before, during and after a breakup, we start to understand that things are very different for the dumpee & the dumper. The Dumper made a decision to break up with you long before you actually found out. They have had time to adjust and once they have it all confirmed in their mind and heart,... the dumpee finds out. The process of total shock, confusion, emptiness and utter devastation begins. The dumpee cannot accept it because of many reasons that we hear all the time (and the same I had), they include:

• But they told me they loved me.
• We were talking about marriage/kids just a few days/weeks ago.
• They told me I was the love of their life.

This is just a small selection, there are many, many more. The dumpee is left confused and completely broken. Look at those statements, are they words or are they actions? Honestly, if someone actually sincerely MEANT those words, they would not be dumping you. I've said it before on here, and I will continue to say,... it is hard to say you love someone, but it is even harder to say that you don't. It's easier to go on with the words, than be brave enough to tell the truth. "It's not you, it's me", is a common cop out. For the record, the day my ex dumped me, we slept together 4 times (after she had dumped me), and she continuously told me she loved me and that someday we would be back together and that she couldn't wait for the day we met our children. What a crock of Sh!t ! However, I believed every word, because that was all I had. Now, I can't even believe I listened to such crap! If she meant all of that, why the hell was she dumping me?!

One of my ex's refused to believe I was breaking up with her. She literally continued to act as if we were a couple, regardless of what I told her. I tried so, so hard to let her down as gently as I could but she would not listen or accept it. She kept saying "but you love me". I found it almost impossible to look into her glassy eyed stare and tell her that I didn't. Eventually, I had no choice, I had to tell her I was not in love with her. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. After that point, she slowly begain to accept it.

So, let me ask you this. We all hear of complete a$$holes who continue to treat their partner badly. The down trodden partners are always a loving, warm and caring person who's friends constantly ask them WTF they are doing with this person. The answer? "Because I love him/her", right? Ok, so spin this around. Is it possible that your outburst has suddenly made your ex fall out of love with you? Uhmm,.. unlikely, (unless physical or mental abuse is involved). What is more likely, is that they had fallen out of love with you a while ago, decided to dump you, tried to do it 'gently', but then you had an outburst which just meant that the 'gentle' approach was replaced with 'Ugh, I can't deal with this, why am I bothering to do it nicely?!', coupled with the fact they are not in love with you, and cannot deal with the questions because they KNOW the answers make no sense. They KNOW they told you they loved you when they didn't and have no desire to admit they did that. You didn't screw anything up, because it was already screwed up! Your actions haven't suddenly created the living hell you've found yourself in. Now, I'm not talking about a long term relationship where you had an outburst on a daily/weekly basis. In those cases, it probably was a COLLECTION of these outbursts that have eaten away at the feelings they once had for you until there was nothing left.

For the dumpee, we need justification for being dumped. We need to blame something or someone, and we need to hold onto a potential way for it to be fixed. So, what do we hold onto? We hold on to the words, because that is all we are left with. However, the words are empty without the subsequent actions. Think about it. You are in love with them, so, would YOU do to them what they are doing to you? Of course not. I know it's hard to accept. My god I fought so hard to believe that my ex loved me, I convinced myself that she wanted me but needed some time. I told my friends they didn't understand and that "I KNEW her, and knew she was telling the truth". Reality check,... she didn't love me, had no intention of coming back and was with someone else within a month. We make the mistake of assuming that because we are in the depths of hell, that they must be too. Nope. Why would they be? They made the decision! Why would they put themselves in the agony we are dealing with if they could stop it?

I know it hurts to hear what I am saying, but for me, I needed to hear it because I was living with false hope and trusting in the wrong things. I was only prolonging my torture. Practically everyone who is dumped is left confused. Most don't see it coming, and then recall very recently being told how much they are loved. You have every right to be confused, because their words do not match their actions, yet we continue to believe their words....again, because that is all we have left. Stop blaming yourself for opening your mouth / saying the wrong thing / having an outburst! Trust me, that is NOT the reason communication has been cut off and things somehow got worse. Did they get 'worse'? Could they be any worse? No. Ultimately, you have been dumped, end of. They simply do not like or want to be faced with a barrage of questions they cannot answer truthfully (i.e. "because I'm a a$$!"), so they react and hurt you even more, and you're left thinking you're the one who has now totally screwed it up.

If you know anything about my story, you'll know that I NEVER thought I would recover from losing the woman I loved. I was in a living hell every day. I could barely get out of bed, and there were days when I didn't even want to wake up. I loved her with every fibre of my soul and thought she was my future. Slowly I started to do things to help myself recover. Rather than wallowing and doing all the things that made me feel worse (checking Facebook, looking at pictures, listening to 'our songs', smelling her clothes, driving around just incase I saw her, calling her, texting her, emailing her, lay in bed thinking about her and crying for hours on end), I let it all go and decided to do everything I could to AVOID all of those things. When I made that conscious effort, things slowly improved. Now, I am actually very grateful for all of it. Grateful for the relationship, and equally grateful for our breakup. Why? Because the pain and experience taught me more about myself than I ever knew before. I am a better person BECAUSE of it, I am whole and now do not expect others to provide my happiness because I have learnt to love me.

I am no different to you, but you can either make the decision to hold onto your pain and let it control you,... or you can make the decision to release it, move forward, use the lessons and become stronger.

[StarryEyedSister]

Brilliant post Dan.

I believe that sometimes the biggest positive lessons in our lives are born out of a pain somewhere along the line. But, equally, at some point we must make the choice to turn the lesson into a positive one. Letting go of pain takes b*lls because sometimes the pain is all that's left.

Acceptance of the truth is tough, but it's the most positive turning point for anyone going through a break up. I recall still making excuses for my ex's behaviour to his friends, his family, my family, his work colleagues...e.g. 'He's really an amazing person - he just doesn't know what he's doing', etc. etc. What a mug I was, defending him when I should have been protecting myself!

Lessons for me was also look at his actions as opposed to his words; love myself more; AND to set my personal boundaries (sometimes I still have to remind myself not to compromise these to please others). But what fantastic lessons! And wonderful positives have come out of them.

[Dan72]

I totally agree, the best lessons I have ever learnt have come from the most challenging times in my life.

Acceptance isn't easy at all, and that is why we make excuses for people. It's easier than facing up to the truth. You've done fantastically well SES, it's amazing how many people lack self love, especially those dealing with a break up. However, I have found the realisation and transformation to be so liberating.

Sadly many people become a victim, sitting back and complaining that "life is not fair!", and "why does X have everything and always seem to land on their feet, and I have nothing and everything goes wrong for me". So many times in my past I have fallen into the victim cycle. It wasn't until I sat up and actually took charge of my life, that things began to fall into place. I always liken life to a ride in a horse drawn carriage. You can either sit in the carriage, allowing the horses to travel unguided, watching the scenery and accepting that you will go through some awful places as well as a few nice ones,.... or you can sit right up front, reins firmly in hand, guiding the horses exactly where you want them to go.


I heard a great phrase the other day I'd like to share:

People fall into 3 categories:

Those who make it happen
Those who watch it happen
Or those who wonder WTF happened
Which will you be?

I know what you mean about compromising your boundaries. I do sometimes find myself having to backtrack. I'll agree to do something to please someone else (ie, say I'll go to a party because they want me to), but actually have no desire to go, and end up dreading it completely. These days, I am authentic to myself and simply say that I am sorry but it's not really my thing. Most of the time, people will accept this. If they don't, well,..... perhaps they are just expecting you to create THEIR happiness ;).

[MajorDepression]

My eyes were opened by reading this. 4 1/2 months of hanging on to those few words my ex would say, trying to figure out why she seemed so confused. I asked her many times if she just wanted to end it and get it over with. She lacked the courage to tell me it was over, and because of her guilt for the EA, possible PA she is having. Plus, she's out there having fun living a single life and I"m just waiting. Well no more for me. I deleted every single picture, comment, likes, and any thing off of facebook with her name on it, all pictures, and everything of me off her profile and left a status update for the entire family and my cirlce of friends that stated I was deleting her and divorce papers are next, I'm done playing her games.

Who knows, maybe if she's bluffing with this whole separation thing, she'll come running back, but I don'[t know if I'll take her back. After all, she just moved in with a 23 yr old guy from her work, she's so buddy, buddy with him and everyone questions there friendship. Just a friend, huh??? It doesn't look like it to me, and now I'm not waiting around because of her "i love you" words, or her "maybe in a few months" hoping that I slowly get over her before. And I dont feel like I screwed up. I feel empowered, a weight has lifted, and I feel very confident about being able to start moving on and a NC. It's not easy getting over a 22 year marriage, and I went through 4 1/2 months to learn this.