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Thread: Making fantasy a reality...

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    Default Making fantasy a reality...

    I am hoping to get some advise. My husband and I have been married for 8 years now. Just like any marriage, we have had our ups and downs, our highs and lows. We have been in a great place in our marriage for some time now. We are both very outgoing people. For years, the idea of a threesome (FFM) has been tossed around between us. We are both very open to the idea. Usually when it comes up, we discuss it for a while, but we always come across the same problem: who could that 3rd person be? We could never come up with a solution. We want to keep this a private matter, and for that reason, we have always decided that asking a friend could be a slippery slope. Not just that, but we wouldn't want to make a friend uncomfortable by asking them. So we always discounted that idea. We would talk about bringing someone home from a bar, but we are both concerned about STD's. Therefore we never pursued that option. Recently, the subject has come up with my best friend. She has agreed to be our third person. We are all on board with this. I am extremely excited and completely comfortable with this idea and this person. She is very outgoing as well, and I trust her completely. I have absolutely no concerns about my husband leaving me for her after this situation, nor am I concerned about her pursuing him. What I am seeking is any advise that someone can give on how to make sure this goes smoothly, and does not damage our marriage. I have heard that there should always be rules in place to ensure that everyone has the same understanding of what lines can not be crossed. We all agree that this is a good idea and have agreed to eachothers rules. My husband and I have talked extensively about any concerns we have for when this actually occurs and also the aftermath. We think that we are prepared, but I just want to make sure this experience is a positive one that will bring us closer together rather than harming us. Any advise? Anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? If so, were there any unexpected problems that it caused?

    *I understand that some of you reading this will be completely against the idea of anyone doing this kind of thing. You may feel that morally, it is wrong. You are entitled to your opinions, but I respectfully ask that you not try to convince me to change my mind about this. This is something I want to do, and I am only seeking advise from anyone who may have any suggestions or concerns that I may not have thought about. Thanks!

    Wifee

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    Hi, Wifee and welcome to the forum.

    This is not something I've ever had experience with myself, so my advice is not going to be all that great, but have you thought about looking around in the "Sexuality" area of the bookstore? Usually those sections have books that can cover a range of issues in sexuality, not just "how-to" manuals. Since something like a threesome requires a great deal of trust and tact for all parties, I have to think that you could easily find some books that offer better advice on the "social" aspects rather than just the "sexual" aspects, if that makes sense.

    In particular, I'd recommend Susan Quilliam's "The Joy of Sex - The Adventurous Lover." I think that's one that can easily be found in your local bookstore.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Hi OhManINeedCoffee!

    Thanks for the response! You and I must be on the same kind of wave length! lol I am absolutely addicted to reading, so that was the first place I went. I feel that I learned a lot of good information, but I find that the books and other articles I've read say one or 2 things: 1- this is morally wrong, it will always destroy a marriage, etc. or 2- It can be great for bringing some new spice into a marriage if your marriage is strong enough. But they don't really go into detail on that. I guess I was just thinking that by asking real people who have either been through it or have an open mind, that I may get a more sincere or strait forward answer. I'll definitly check out "The Joy of Sex - The Adventurous Lover". I really appreciate your feedback! Thanks!!!

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    I don't take a moral stance on sex as long as everything's consensual and children aren't involved, personally.

    I'm no expert, but I don't think engaging in a threesome will destroy a marriage unless people allow it to. If people have problems with jealousy or insecurity, or if one person is simply doing it because their spouse wants to, then it probably does hurt their marriage. However, that doesn't seem to be a problem with you and your husband. Everybody's different, and the fact of the matter is that trying something new and perhaps a bit adventurous with your spouse CAN spice up your marriage...somehow I feel that it's just a matter of establishing ground rules with everyone beforehand - which you guys already have done. Trying anything new (not just in the bedroom) with your partner/spouse can often have the effect of reaffirming the connection between the two of you.

    It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page with this - neither of you seems to have any "insecurities" or concerns about trust. Your friend seems to be on the same page as well. This, I think, is the most important thing. I think it's also important to keep all the lines of communication open like you have been - it sounds like the three of you are open enough to do this with no problem.

    My gut feeling is that if you, your husband, and your friend are all on board with this and are all on the same page (and continue to be so throughout and afterward), then your marriage should remain intact. If it's something you all really want to try and are curious about, then why not go for it? The fact is that YOU guys know what's right for you more than anyone else.

    Incidentally, did any of these articles say exactly why threesomes "always" ruin a marriage? It seems a huge generalization to make, considering the huge variety of attitudes toward sex, in my opinion.
    Last edited by OhManINeedCoffee; 03-13-2012 at 05:25 PM. Reason: Spazzy hand.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Hi Wifee,

    I'm no expert on this subject either, and there will be no judgements made here

    I searched for ages on Google for something that may be of help to you, but mostly all I found was utter nonsense or common sense stuff that you already know. The only thing I did find has a very explicit front page so I'm unable to post the link here. I'll send it to you via private message. I'm not sure if it's helpful or not.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Hmmm.....this is interesting

    I say "interesting" because i've been involved in threesome's in my "younger, wilder days" but i've never raised the question lately as a married man.
    Most men have two "sex myths" running around in their head : lesbians are mostly fashion models and threesomes are the ultimate experience. As we're talking about the second one, i'll just stick to it and discard the other...theories are nice but in the end it's almost impossible for some things to not happen. The worst of them is that (unspoken) comparisons will be drawn. I've been involved in both scenarios (2M1F, 2F1M) and must say they're very different, mostly because of the purpose - in my case, the 2M1F didn't include any gay touching, kissing and alike, it was very fun and both me and my friend got our share of kicks but in the end, it was all about that particular girl's fantasy as we didn't had any commitments to each other. Let's not kid ourselvs, in a 2F1M case, the purpose is different and also the person drawing the comparisons is. I called it "interesting" in the beginning simple because in a marriage (in my opinion) reciprocity is a bigger factor than in a casual relationship. I wouldn't agree with a threesome involving my wife because frankly even if the idea of a 2F1M would seem nice (and i'll be as blunt as possible stating that this will only occur if i'd be looking for something "better" to be thrown into the mix) the idea of a 2M1F would be out of the question. That's reciprocity : I know i wouldn't like to share my wife with someone else and because of that, i wouldn't agree with her sharing me with someone else (even if ,let's say, she'll eventually cave in and agree with it, i'd still know she's only doing it for me).

    I'm opened minded and do acknowledge other couples mentality might be different, but to face the facts, if your partner isn't that opened to a reversed idea, to me, the whole "let's have fun TOGETHER and let's experience it TOGETHER" is actually a solo game in disguise. A threesome isn't a swinger's couple exchange and based on the scenario there's always only ONE person on the receiving end of the stick, and even if it's fun for everybody only one person draws the comparisons. I've never been involved in relationships with a low accent put on sex as to me if something's wrong on that department that relationship is only a nicely sugar-coated friendship....don't fool yourself that comparisons won't occur, it's human nature as a good sex partner sticks in your memory for a long time even WITHOUT an instant comparison oriented scenario (like a threesome is) : strong long-term relationships get broken as one partner goes back to revisit an old flame he was more compatible in bed than the actual one, or one of the partners breaks it as he takes the gamble on a new partner he thinks he's more compatible with. A threesome's aftermath can prove to be a very delicate launch pad to future cheating ("she won't mind if i'll sleep ONLY with her, behind her back"). Like i said, if he's not opened to a 2M1F scenario, to me, you have a red flag in your eyesight....sure you might say you're not interested in sharing yourself with another man but this prompts the question "If he's enough of a man to satisfy me, why aren't I enough of a woman to satisfy him ?" (It sounds harsh but i can't think of another way to put it). Again, as the comparison will be made in the aftermath, it doesn't always mean it will be a negative one for you....it might end in "My wife is the best/awesome", but what then? Search for a new partner ? You might think this threesome is a one thing only deal but would you accept it to become a regular thing and are you sure that seeing your partner always on the look-out for something better won't prove to be more than you can chew?

    This all, is my opinion NOW as a married man....rewind 3-4 years ago, in a casual relationship - I wouldn't think so hard or deep at the implications

    Cheers, Mike

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    First of all, I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and feedback! I wasn't really expecting to get so many responses. I greatly appreciate it!*

    Dan: Thanks for the link! There was a lot of good information there. I know exactly what you mean about having a hard time finding anything useful. A lot of it is common sense, and even more is complete nonsense! The article was very informative and thought provoking! Thanks again!

    OhManINeedCoffee: I tend to agree with you. I feel that if there are issues with jealousy and insecurity, it can cause problems. I feel that we have a very stable foundation and as you said, as long as we keep all lines of communication open, this can be a wonderful experience for all of us. On the other hand, I'm not naive enough to believe that just because we are all on the same page it doesn't have the potential to cause problems. But you made a very good point: as long as we continue to be open after this occurs, we should be fine. I especially agree with what you said about it only destroying a marriage if you let it. All couples go through trials at some point, whether financial, emotional, or other. Those types of problems can also destroy a marriage, if you let it. I think that we are fully prepared for this (or as much as we can be), and if it does cause any unexpected problems, I truly believe that we will be able to work through them. Thanks for your thoughts!

    Mike: You have made many VERY valid points. I will try to give my stance on them. The first issue I'll address is your point about reciprocity. Let me start with why I am so interested and excited for this to occur. My husband has never had a threesome. For that matter, neither have I. To a small extent, I have a bi-curious side. I find women attractive, but not as attractive as men. I am 100% confident that I am not a lesbian. (I just wanted to get that out of the way because some of the articles I've read have suggested that women that want to have a FFM threesome are really just lesbians that have not come out of the closet. Dan - see what I mean about utter nonsense! Lol) I know that this is something that my husband has fantasized about. (I mean, what man hasn't?) He has not pushed me or made me feel pressured at all. He is giving me all of the control and not once has he made me feel that he will be disappointed if this does not occur. I have been the one to initiate all discussions concerning the plans. As a matter of fact, I had to ask him if he was starting to have second thoughts about the situation because I seemed more excited about it than he did. His response was: "I don't want you to feel pressured into this. Would I enjoy it? Absolutely. Do I need it to happen? No. You are all I need. I need you to know that I won't be upset or disappointed if it doesn't happen. I want to make sure that there will not be any resentment about this later." So, in a way, yes, this is more for him than me. But I think that I am so excited and anxious for it because I know what kind of sexual pleasure it would bring him, and that turns me on. Does that make sense? It's kind of that "It makes me happy because it makes you happy". But that's not the only reason. As I mentioned, a small part of me is bi-curious. And this particular friend and I have experimented a little together. (This was years ago when we were teenagers. I've known her since I was 12 years old.) For this reason, I really believe that I will enjoy her as much as my husband will. Neither my husband, nor I have and desire to bring another man into our bed.

    Next, let me address what you said about this having the potential to lead to cheating later on. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not worried about that. My husband and I have actually addresses this as well. Here is how I explained my concern to him: "I know that you have not been with another woman in nearly a decade, and I'm afraid that after getting to experience another woman after only having me for so long, it might awaken a desire to start having more women and playing the field again." He gave me a completely honest answer. He said that he does not expect that to happen, but it would be unrealistic for him to deny that he will feel this way afterward. We both know that neither of us has any idea what emotions or desires this will lead to in either of us. But we both firmly agree to discuss everything. At this point, this is a one time thing. And I truly believe that as long as we are honest with each other and discuss everything, that we will be able to work through any issues or problems together.*

    Now, the last issue that you brought up is about comparisons. I am completely aware that he will draw comparisons, even I'd he only does it subconsciously. My friend and I have VERY similar body types, so I'm not concerned or intimidated about comparisons based on just physical appearances. I'm not really concerned about the performance comparisons either. Here is why: sex is on a completely different level when there is love and passion involved. I know that this is more true with women than men, but it does make a different in both, females and males. Also, this is not something we are doing to "fix" our love live. We already have a great love life. This is something that we have talked about for many years and we want to try it and experience it together. As I mentioned before, I have absolutely no concerns about him leaving me for her, or about her pursuing him. I trust them both completely. You may not understand how I can be so confident, but if you knew their personalities and knew them as well as I do, it would make sense. So just take my word for it. * Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feedback!

    Again, thank you all for your help! I am greatly appreciative!*

    Wifee

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    I think if something is truly consensual it's ok but I agree that it means taking the extra step to really feel what the other person truly wants and is ok with, not just what they say they r ok with.
    but if this is something you both could truly enjoy and not harbor any regrets about then go for it!


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    Hi, have you though the possibility to have sex with a man with much bigger penis than your husband! Can he accept this idea, especially if he sees you enjoying it and having strong orgasms...


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