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Thread: What should I do ?

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    Default What should I do ?

    I met a wonderful guy at church. Everything is great, but I am not in love with him. I am not sexually attracted to him. It will be a year in June that we have been seeing each other. I love him, his family, he is everything I have always wanted. What should I do?

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    Anon,

    I am confused? Do you love him or do you NOT love him?

    Everything is great, but I am not in love with him.
    or

    I love him, his family, he is everything I have always wanted

    Help us out here will you?



    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    I love him, but not IN love with him

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    Dear Anon1293,

    Welcome.

    The only person who can answer the question you have asked is you.

    You asked the question because you knew the answer. If you thought is was all ok, you wouldn't be asking the question. The very fact that you have asked the question means you know, that for you it is not ok to love someone, but not be "in" love with them.

    So bearing in mind you've answered your own question, maybe the real question you need to check is, what makes "in love" to you?

    I defined love broadly as 6 components: Trust, caring, respect, understanding, communication and a spark.

    The spark is "missing" in friendships and family usually. There's no passion, no chemistry, no sexual pull. We love our friends and family, but are not "in love" with them.

    So is the sexual element the problem? If so, what attracts you sexually and how is he different? Could he make himself more sexually attractive to you, by wearing certain clothes, aftershave, talking in a particular accent...etc?

    Looking forward to hearing your answers and gaining some insight.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Yes, the sexual element is missing. I am not sure why. Sometimes I look at him, and think he's cute! Other times, ehhhh... he's older, so I am not sure if that could be it

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    Well, if you plan on being together for the long haul then I suggest you talk to him and ask him to do things that make you feel attracted to him. If he's older and he's got a bit tubby, then you could do exercise together to keep fit and help him lose the weight.

    If he's wearing old man clothes and looks better when he chooses things that are a bit younger and more stylish then you could get some new outfits, or pieces that work with what he's got to help him look more alluring.

    If you like his hair cut a particular way then ask him to have it done that way for you (most guys couldn't care less as long as it makes you want to jump them, they'll be happy with it!).

    Find out what you like and wherever you can, get him to do it, then you'll know, if that will be enough or not.

    If it's not enough once you've tried this, then IME (in my experience) it will never be enough and you don't want to go into something pretending or fooling yourself, because people will get hurt. If it is enough, then hurrah, lucky you!
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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