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Thread: Helping my victimized wife get help

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    Default Helping my victimized wife get help

    I've been reading for months, not sure exactly what has happend to me and my wife of 22years. Then I became aware of my abusive behavior, borderling verbal and emotional. I've never laid a finger on her. And, I was abused as a child through many sources. I didn't even realize what I was doing, but, now I know. And, to make it worse, she was sexualy and emotionaly abused by her step father. Me, I had a rude but pleasant awakening by God, and I now am starting to understand more than ever before. I am dealing with trying to forgive myself. God took the anger that controled my life, HE released that part that was holding me in anger, I don't know exactly what all HE did, but I know the end result, I'm different, I'm free, my emotions, real emotions have surfaced once again. In a way, it is a very devastating thing because one day, there's nothing wrong with me, and then all of a sudden, I realize that I'm a moster, an abuser. But, the key is "was an abuser". I don't expect anyone to accept that a former abuser can or did change. This happend over a months ago and I've since been educating myself and seen how it has truely changed me in every aspect of my life, including the fact that I deal with my 3 grown boys nearly everyday and have not had a single glitch of any sort. This is proof to me.

    So we finaly had our big blow out about 5 months ago and she left. We've talked much almost everyday, she says she loves me, and she does care about me. She helps pay my bills, she visit me, we go out for dinner when time permits. But I now realize that she is victimized, she fits it like a glove, and this is what is preventing us from getting back together. She won't go to marriage couceling, but she does show some interest in going to an IC, maybe even a crisis center for counceling. What kind of counciling can help her get over this? How long does it take usually? What do I need to know about counciling?

    I know that they will tell her not to go back, and she knows this too. This is why she doesnt' want to go to MC. I also, will be seeing my own IC very soon. I have been through alot, more than most as a child. Too much to easily share. How can I help my wife get through this? For me, its not just about getting back together with her, but I want her to get better, even if we never get back together. She needs healing. I caused it, most of it, maybe not cause of her step dad, but I'm still the responsible person who is now obligated to try to make sure that the damage is healed.What should I be doing?

    Me, I'm devastated, a mess, I still don't know how I'm going to get through the guilt, the pain, sorrow of what I did to my family. My days are a struggle, I stopped working, cant work now because of the depression, sever major depression. I have been to 3 therapists, but they were not helpful, judging me as unhelpable, and thus not very commited to "me", very indifferent and unsympathetic. I'll see another one soon.

    I just need help. I've got to get my life back. I don't know what to do. I cry everyday for the last 5 months, and can't go out in public hardly. I have panic attack now. I've never cried in my entire life. I've lost all my friends and my family is tired of listening to me. They are no help. And yes, I have desire to die on many days, but, I won't do it. I just desire to not live, for everything to just end. But it won't, life just keeps going on, the world is just passing me buy. And I can't get up and get on with life. Help.
    I must push on! That is my drive to get to where ever I am going. I can't stop, nor give up. I must make it, must proove I can. There is no other option!

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    Hi MajorDepression,

    You clearly have faith. For the friends I have who believe, I often ask them to look inside. If we are made in the image, then surely we have all the answers we seek?

    1 Timothy 4:12
    New International Version (NIV)
    12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

    Philippians 3:17
    English Standard Version (ESV)
    17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us.

    Matthew 5:16
    English Standard Version (ESV)
    16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

    I have always read these to mean that we lead by example. You want to help your wife? Then help yourself. Surely if you are a better man, if you get help and are no longer troubled, then you set an example to her?

    Find someone who is a good counsellor, be genuine, offer up truth, no matter how bitter a pill to swallow, to know you have done wrong and admit it; is the first step.

    If you go to individual counselling but to the same person, you can ask if/when the counsellor thinks it may be suitable/helpful for them to have you in a group session. This way you are both free to say what you want and normally counsellors don't tell you what you should or shouldn't do, those decisions are left up to the person. Although they might get you to think about things in a way you haven't before, which could lead to choices you wouldn't have made previously.

    Good luck, please let us know how things progress. Thank you.

    All the best,


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