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  1. #1
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    Default puzzled

    Hello
    As I don't have a lot of lesbian friends I said to myself why not try out the lesbian forums.
    I am puzzled and need advice.
    Lately I got involved with a much younger woman, I am 46 going on 25 ;) and she is 25. We know each other for several years and both split up with our girlfriends several months ago. We both have crazy work schedules so the time we have together is scarce. A couple of months ago when we started dating we communicated on daily basis and managed to meet at least twice a week for dinner, movies or just chill. She told me that I am exactly what she is looking for in a partner and since we share the same values I feel the same way about her. A couple of weeks ago she told me that we should stop seeing each other because what is happening between us is to good to be true.
    Huh?
    Frankly I never been so puzzled in my life. I don't want to give up on her, she means much to me but on the other hand I respect her and don't want to go against her wishes.
    The only reason that comes to mind is that she is scared not to repeat the same experience that she had in the previous relationship with an older woman. She got dumped in a mean way and she suffered a great deal.
    We are not seeing anyone else at the moment but even so if we cross paths and I am with other women friends she becomes very sad and possessive.
    My question is weather to continue and pursue her or give up and see what happens?
    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Default

    Hrm...sounds like she has some trust/intimacy/commitment issues. I'm usually quite puzzled myself when I hear someone make this excuse to stop seeing one another - that it's "too good to be true." It seem so...dramatic, and usually when people go into relationships with an attitude like that, it usually means that they're signing up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even when things continue to go great, somehow they will find a way to find something wrong. I'm not sure why people sabotage themselves like this...to me it either means that they either don't actually WANT to be in a relationship of any kind, or because they haven't let go of something in their past that they NEED to let go of in order to have a healthy, happy relationship.

    A part of me also wonders if she has a maturity issue, as well.

    I'm not sure how I would handle this...there never seems to be a "correct" way to do so. Quite honestly, I think she's put the ball in her court, whether she knows it or not - SHE has to be the one to take the leap of faith here, since you have already taken it. She has to decide if she wants to go ahead and risk getting hurt again, which is what we all sign up for when we get into a relationship with someone...if you don't take that risk, then you're only half-arsing the relationship! I don't know about you, but I can't love people in "slices."

    This sounds like something she seriously needs to work out, particularly if she doesn't like seeing you with other women friends. I often feel like pursuing someone who has already said that you should stop dating will continue to push them away. Granted, some people say such things because they want to be pursued, but in those cases, those are not people that I would personally want to be with - they're games and manipulations...a bad combo for a good relationship, in my opinion.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Thank you for the reply.
    As you said I know for sure that the ball is in her court and told her just that. We met a couple of days ago, could not ignore the joy in her eyes. I told her that she is the one that needs to decide where our relationship will go from here and she must understand that at this point I am not interested in a "cat and mouse" chase. She confirmed that all her past fails make her uneasy to take a leap of faith and that she is trying hard to eliminate from her reason catastrophic outcomes in regards to us.
    I offered her more time to deal with her fears and support in doing just that if she needs it. We started talking again on daily basis and plan to meet as well.
    Guess time will tell where all this will go...

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