Want to move forward and stop holding on

**reen25** · 06-18-2012, 12:25 PM

I met this guy about 2 years ago and we hit it off really well. He seemed so interested in me at first, would call/text me constantly but I didn't want to give in right away. Well, a month or so later, I finally gave in and of course he starts pulling away telling me how he's not ready for a relationship and blah blah blah. At first, I wasn't looking for anything serious either but then developed deep feelings for him and I let him know that more than once. Every time I would ask him, "do you see us together in the long run?" his answer would be "when the time is right". He would always play this hot and cold game with me, telling me he wants to hang out but never let me know of a precise time and would later cancel. A year into it, he told me to leave him alone and move on with my life and that he would call me when he wanted to. I replied with "don't bother, one day you're going to realize what you had in front of you". Went a month with total NC and then ran into him at a friend's party, he started flirting and trying to talk to me again. Against my better judgement, I went back to hanging out with him; this time, we pretty much only hung out once a month.

About 3 months ago, I had enough of this on and off situation and wanted something lasting with him. So, after canceling on me multiple times I told him I want to meet up with him and then I'll be out of his life for good. His response, "I don't want you out of my life". When I confronted him about our future he turned cold and said that we have zero chance of being together. He said there was another girl he was serious with (note: he had lots of girls) and he had absolutely no feelings for me.

Is this guy confused about what he wants, or does he really mean what he says? I knew there were other girls but he made me feel like I was different by saying things like "I love talking to you. You're intelligent with a very kind heart", "I respect you". "You made me realize things about myself I didn't even know" and so much more. He still wanted to stay friends but of course I can't do that, at least not now; too much has happened.

Within these 3 months, I've done NC for about a month then went back to contacting him. I've been doing fairly good but just have these moments where I breakdown completely. I just don't understand how someone who says things like that and knows exactly what my feelings were can turn around and pretend that he doesn't care. I want to move on but all I seem to think about is the connection we shared and how great we were together.

Sorry for the long rant guys, just had to get it out there!

**Dan72** · 06-18-2012, 02:32 PM

Hi there and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, we all know it's no fun.

From what you have told us, in my opinion there are a couple of potential reasons for his behaviour. The first is that he is a player, plain and simple. He likes the chase, likes to conquer and then moves to the next. He knows and says exactly what you want to hear (hence you feel this 'connection')to get you to love him and once he has you where he wants you, he gets bored and moves on.

The second is that elusive and aloof is attractive to many. Ironically, when you weren't too bothered, you were giving those signals which attracted him to you. Now you have feelings for him, you are giving off the clingy and needy signals which is very unattractive. He is not interested in commitment, just fun. He is attracted to you when you do not care, but not when you do... this makes sense as to why he flirts with you, but backs off when you show interest. He wants to make sure you still desire him, but is instantly turned off when you prove that you do and want more than he is willing to give.

My advice is to just remain NC and protect yourself because either way, this guy does not sound like he is ready for anything other than fun. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he probably has that 'connection' with most women he meets because he does and says exactly what is necessary for them to feel it. Of course, I don't know him, and can only go on what you have said.

If you love this guy, stay away and heal yourself because being around when he wants you to be will only prolong your heartache.

**reen25** · 06-18-2012, 05:35 PM

Hi Dan,

Thank you for such a wonderful response, it's exactly what I needed to hear. I guess deep down I knew he was never going to commit to me but my heart felt otherwise. It sucks because I miss him so much but I need to start putting myself first.

Another thing is, I'm friends with his family members and will most likely see him around every now and then. Do I completely ignore him or should I be cordial?

**Dan72** · 06-18-2012, 11:40 PM

Acknowledge him the way you would with an aquaintence, but don't be emotional. Don't go out of your way to speak to him, but there is also not a need to be rude. That would only imply that you *do* care. Be nonchalant.