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Thread: Move on?

  1. #1
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    Default Move on?

    If I were to tell you openly about the guys in my life since the last two years, I am sure many of you would disapprove. I am not very proud of it myself. Sigh. In fact I have written a post nearly a year ago that clearly shows what a mess I was back then. I had two guys in my life back then- one was my long term boyfriend C and one my so called 'best friend', N. My previous post is about them, in fact. To make a long story short lets just say I broke up with my boyfriend. Back then I was sure that's what I wanted. He and I just weren't "right" and I should break up. So I did. And though I wasnt ready to date this bestfriend of mine, I did cut off my ex from my life. For several reasons I didn't date N. I was, after all, fresh out of a relationship, and no matter how convinced I was that it sucked, I still wasn't ready to forget about C. Actually, I couldn't forget him after a long time either.

    I kissed N a couple of times probably as a rebound but each time it felt wrong. Like I was cheating on C. All I could think of was C would be so hurt if he got to know this. So I told N I just cant date you, i would rather have a platonic friendship. He said he would wait, he understands. but I guess he couldnt wait for long. You see N was a bit of a loser. He was failing his subjects in college and his friends blamed me for it. I was furious when I heard that. I mean I wasnt taking a walk in the park either and I had failed a subject for the first time ever myself but I wasnt blaming anyone for it! Anyway N dropped out of college. He said it wasnt my fault, he just didnt think he could study now. His plan was to take a year off from studies. I tried my best to stop him but he had made up his mind and off he went. He still was asking me out and when I said I couldnt date him , I wasn't over C, he accused me of leading him on, of cheating HIM and being a liar. Really ironic considering I broke up with my bf for him. N dissed me in front of our mutual friends. Even my ex hadn't stooped that low after I had dumped him. Realising that didn't help me much then. I already missed C. I stopped talking to N after that. And a few months later, I see photos of him with another girl on Facebook.

    Now obviously i feel like the world's biggest moron. Not only was I foolish and headstrong a year ago and broke up with a very decent guy, I also got ditched my someone whose side I took. So much for that.

    Now I miss C. Sometimes I feel like throwing myself back at him but the fear of rejection stops me. The dude doesnt really have great reasons to take me back. Ugh. its all so messed up! And I miss him like mad. I want to just move on. This confusion and the feeling of loneliness sucks.

    Ships are safe in the harbor. But thats not what ships were made for.

    Once you've experienced new heights, you can't go back to the old, boring you. Keep raising the bar!

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    Plus, I keep feeling like I am a horrible girl. I just want C to know I shan't cheat on him or ditch him again. I can be trusted and I love him unconditionally. I did the mistake of comparing him to N and N being the sweet talker, I sided with N. It was a mistake. I've learnt my lesson. But now I guess its too late to mend things. To even try just hurts because whenever I talk to C he sounds livid with me. I don't think he feels anything but anger towards me. I can see no other emotion. He would rather not have anything to do with me. That sucks because once we were going out and he treated me well. Sigh. I just want to forget all this and move on. Be happy and feel like I am a good girl. :-|
    Ships are safe in the harbor. But thats not what ships were made for.

    Once you've experienced new heights, you can't go back to the old, boring you. Keep raising the bar!

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    Chin up my friend,

    If he sounds angry with you, he still cares. It's undeniable. Why? Because if you don't give a flying monkey about a person, what they are doing, or anything about them, then you are apathetic towards them and therefore have no "feelings" left. If on the other hand you are angry with them or hate them or actually care about anything they do, then you still must have feelings, it's how humans are.

    People make mistakes. You need to forgive yourself. You may also want to address how you feel. Are you still in love with C? If so, does he know that? Is he with someone else? (I guess not or he's unlikely to still be angry at you) Does he call you, or do you call him?

    If you are willing to take a chance on talking to him about the situation, then you will need to accept that his anger may not let him take you back (be ready for rejection). His anger is there to protect him from the hurt you caused. If you are not willing to sit down and talk to him then you need to let him go and move forward. This means you need to look at how you behaved and why you behaved that way and what you are going to do in the future to prevent you repeating this behaviour.

    Please let us know what you decide and how you proceed.

    All the best,

    Annita

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    Thanks for your kind words. There aren't many people willing to talk to me about this because they do think I was at fault.

    I have tried speaking many times with C but he avoids it. It takes him back to those horrible times, he says. So there isn't much I can do to help him because he's keeping ME at a distance. I am the one who calls him up or asks him to meet me. He came once to meet me but never after that. He behaves weirdly with me. We talk sometimes on the phone but we never meet. If we do come face to face with each other(we go to the same college and have a mutual group of friends) he takes his cellphone out and pretends to do some work.

    When I asked him if we can go out anytime soon he said no, he couldn't see me as a girlfriend now or at least for sometime. I would get frustrated because I have tried doing all I can to show him I wouldn't hurt him again. One day I got so frustrated that I sent him texts after texts asking him what he wanted from me. As he replied was he didnt know what he wanted himself, and if ever he felt attracted to me he would come tell me, he needed time. Since that day I have stopped calling him up, asking him to meet me and texting him. What hurts me is he is never the first one to text.

    So here I am waiting on the fence, waiting for him to decide. But with each passing day, my hopes fall a little. I almost want to give up and move on. I just want a healthy relationship and I know this time I'll be a lot wiser than the girl from a year ago. Its just I am confused whether to try harder or leave things the way they are. I have tried and some days I feel like I have nothing left to give him. And yet he remains unmoved. Discouraging, that is.
    Ships are safe in the harbor. But thats not what ships were made for.

    Once you've experienced new heights, you can't go back to the old, boring you. Keep raising the bar!

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    From the sounds of it, I think the best move for you to make right now would be no move at all; however, someone else might have a different or more useful idea.

    My observations here are that he's still not over what happened between the two of you, which is why he's still angry and uncomfortable with you. It's not easy having someone you love feeling that hostile toward you, especially when you want nothing more than for them to forgive you. In my experience, though, people have to forgive you on their own terms and at their own pace...there isn't much you can do or say to make them forgive you. The more you insist, the more pressure they will feel, the more you'll drive them away. If he's confused and trying to work through some things, I think the best thing you can give him is time and space.

    It's no guarantee that he'll want to try again, even if you do give him the time he's asked for. I don't want to make you feel discouraged, but I do want to be real with you - there is nothing you can do to change what he thinks or how he feels - that's all him.

    I also echo Annita's advice - forgive yourself, too. And don't make your ability to forgive yourself entirely dependent on what C. feels. Making a huge mistake that you regret does not make you a horrible person. People do things they regret, and, yes, sometimes that leaves some people thinking negative things about them that can't be changed. The point is, you can't let these things define you, the same as you can't let someone's rejection define you.

    Give him some space to think, and take this time to just breathe and work on forgiving yourself. Whether C. changes his mind or not, you still matter.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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