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Words of a broken heart
Today I randomly googled 'why do i still miss him after so long'. or something like that, and came up with this page. Spend a while reading some of the posts here, quiet a few stories i can relate to. So i thought i'd post my story as well. Get it off my chest, because i've been holding it in for too long maybe. My sister and friends think i am crazy for even thinking about this, so i normally pretend nothing is bothering me.
2 years ago or so, i was doing my degree part-time and was online almost full-time. Writing articles for my resume, blog or etc. My reality was slightly messed up, so i took up online gaming to distract myself from my reality. And for a girl to be a part of a major MMORPG game was kinda rare i guess. many guys were constantly flirting with me, but i took it all as a joke. The one guy that didn't flirt with me, from my guild had always my attention. stupid right? haha. well to cut the story short, we fell in love. online. we were both students, and so completely in love that after half a year, we decided to finish our studies and meet each other's families and get married. we lived in the opposite side of the world, so we never exactly met, except for video calls or skype. I knew this was a risk, even when i was with him, heck i even tried to stop myself from falling too deep in love with him, it didnt work, i heard friends constantly tell me guys can randomly disappear off net, you are taking a huge risk by investing your heart on someone you haven't even met. but you know love, it never listens to logic. i liked every single thing about him, he made me feel like my feet didn't touch the ground.
After a year or so of us being together, things start to get bad for him. His country was unstable, his studies were unstable. he had a few family obligations and etc. and he decided on his own that he didn't want me to wait for 6- 10 years. so be completely cut me off. i'll be honest, all my life i've never had a relationship with any guy, it was always, study first, he isnt my type, he wouldn't be able to understand my situation, etc etc. but when i finally do fall for someone. he turns out to be so far away and cuts me off so easily. so i quit the game, deleted skype, my facebook. everything. took a long time for me to just stop crying. i had to pretend i was ok in front of friends, family. still do. they dont understand why i could feel so much for someone online.
so a year and more passes. i am picking myself up. i dont cry now. i dont talk about him to anyone. i got my facebook back. i deleted every single comment or post of his, i had to delete any common friends because he kept asking about me from them, so i made it easier for our friends, and gave them a break from the 3rd degree he has been giving them, by unfriending them. i lost friends, my game, my blogs, everything. because i deleted it all. and i am working now, trying to be happy. but everytime a guy tries to talk to me or shows interest i immediately back up. nobody can even compare to him in my eyes. no one can even come close to making me feel like i felt when i was around him. and i am so sick of that. just when i think ok, i am fine, i dont think about him. the whole cycle starts all over again, missing him, wanting to talk to him. pretending we still have a chance. then breaking my own heart again by realizing so much time has passed and he hasn't even bothered trying to talk to me. meaning the situation hasn't changed. then getting angry that i still think like this, and pretending even if he tried to talk to me i would turn him down so bad or hurt him back. then going back to being the slightly ok, happy person, not thinking about him. but then it starts all over again.
i dont understand. i still dream about him. i still feel hurt thinking about him. i still look at his facebook. i remember when i was so hurt initially thinking to myself how long will i feel this pain. i thought maybe a week, a month, or maybe a year. that was max. a year. that's it. i shouldn't be feeling all this still. i feel guilty that i do. i feel bad that i want to find someone else just so i can show him, i was worth fighting for. but worst of all i fear i will never feel the same about anyone else. like this.
he is a great guy, he was kind, sweet, intelligent and so devoted, i dont wish him harm, he break us coz he thought it was right in his own twisted way. and maybe he still cares for me coz he still tries to find out about me, how i am doing and etc. i know in my head, that i cant be with him even if he tried to get back. i cant be with someone who so easily can give up on me. i try to not think about him mainly because this can disturb any relationship that i may have in future. i wouldn't want to be with someone who still thinks about their ex. i really can't see how anyone else who is around me right now that can take his place. They dont appeal to me like he did. the conversations, the feelings. the understanding, the spark. nothing matches. nothing.