I am sure one of our female members will help you on this one.
Well I will hold my hands up straight away and say its very early days, 2 days as from tomorrow since I started the NC, I have put the full story in the break up forum if you are interested.
I really am not sure if NC is the right way to go about this but would really appreciate a womans view on it.
Went I sent the NC I got no reply but I guess I should of expected that I mean after all I had just said I didn't want her to contact me, its so hard to stick to it, i'm just a little confused as this girl said she thought I was amazing, she really likes me and was so happy I came into her life !! her last text to me just said ' I will miss youxx very much xx .... so why is this not bothering her that we haven't spoken for 2 days , we have spoken pretty much allday everyday since we meet, and granted we wasn't in a relationship as such we was dating but it was as good as a relationship with how it was all going, all I know is she is amazing and I would love to get this back on track. Am I doing the right thing with NC or because we had not been seeing each other long should I be fighting to change the situation ?
Quick update, I have got a text from her today saying 'Hey x are you still not talking to me'
Now i've read alot and I mean alot of these rules on doing no contact and many of them say that I should not snub her if she contacts me but to wait a while before replying and when I do to be pretty nonchalant in my reply, but how do I reply to her text shes straight out asked if i'm still not talking to her how can you give a nonchalant reply to that.
TJ....i'm not sure which rules you've read exactly, because NC has very few and none of them are about "how to give a proper cocky/nonchalant" reply to anything, in fact i belive it's called "NO" Contact for a reason. Choose to turn it into a "L(esser) C(ontact)" and bend the rules however you like according to the games you want to play, but don't forget:
a) you only cry "Wolf" once when doing NC
b) playing games means accepting the possibility of ending up played
"What you won't let die, won't let you live "
I'll do my best to give a female point of view, but keep in mind that we're all different.
One thing to keep in mind is the reason you do NC in the first place: you. Clearing your head, getting some perspective, and healing. It sounds to me like you told her you were going NC because you wanted to get a reaction from her more than anything else. In that case, I tend to agree with Slick's advice.
With that in mind, before you ask, "Should I answer her back? When? What should I say?" ask yourself this: "Can I handle this?" What I mean is, is it going to hurt to talk to her again? Your ex can be like a drug - contacting them again makes you feel better immediately...and afterwards you feel even worse than before. Why? Because we didn't get what we really wanted. What we really want is for the ex to tell us they were wrong, that they've changed their minds, that they miss us and love us, etc. This sounds harsh, but in my experience (and that of just about everybody on this site), that is little more than a fantasy. Keeping that in mind, ask yourself again, "Can I handle this?"
From my perspective, she's trying to get a reaction from you as well. But it doesn't mean that she's changed her mind. If she did, she'd tell you...and probably in a manner OTHER than a text message. If you'd rather continue No Contact, then perhaps reply to her and explain why it's too difficult to talk to her right now. For me, I'd prefer to hear someone say, "I need to get through this, and I can't do it if I'm still talking to you regularly." It's not a nonchalant reply, but it's to-the-point, and you're communicating what you need. I may not like hearing that, but I'm also respectful enough to the people I care about to think about their feelings rather than just mine. If she continues to text you or email you (or whatever) even after telling her this, then, to me, it means a couple of things:
1. She does not respect your feelings and/or your wishes.
2. Her ego is bruised by your need to move on with your life.
3. She has no idea what she actually wants.
I'm not saying she's a bad person for these things - she's just human. And human beings can easily get so wrapped up in their own emotions that they forget how they affect others.
Most of the world is a gray area for me, but there are a few things in my mind that are black and white: either someone wants to be with you, or they don't. If they can't commit to one side or the other, then they're hardly able to commit to you.
"Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card
Well I decided to just ignore her text but then got another as follows
'Hey babe, Look I really think you are being melodramatic !! we hadn't even started seeing each other properly. We had only been on a few dates and I told you from the start I wasn't sure. I don't understand why you are being so bitter !? I thought you were a really nice guy and hoped we could still be friends but obviously not. Imagine if we did carry on and ended it in a month or two ! God only knows what this would be like then ! I wish you all the best for the future. Take care.'
Unfortunately this one hit me hard and I replied immediately and I know you guys are going to absolutely disagree with what I said and the fact I replied but like I said it hit me hard and I couldn't stop myself from replying, I said everything I shouldn't of said I already know this.
This was my pathetic reply
'Hey x sorry I haven't replied sooner i've had no reception and literally just got both your texts at the same time just now. Its not a case of i'm not talking to you or don't want to talk to you just figured we could both do with a little space. I'm really not bitter towards you just trying to process what has happened. I know you say it was just a few dates but there was a lot of stuff said and I felt there was a mutual attraction not just physically. I know what you have always said about a relationship I just enjoyed you being a part of my life. Us being friends would be nice just not sure I could be around when you eventually find someone you can have a relationship with. Does that make sense ?'
Guess what no reply, why would she I have just completely fed her ego with everything I have said, i'm such an idiot and feel 100 times worse now than what I did before.
Like i said TJ, you only cry "Wolf" once.
Man, that piece of text should be kept in the archives somewhere for future reference...what a beautiful piece of manipulative literature.
It ties together :
- guilt reversal: "It was all you, not me"
- classic hook : "imagine if we were dating"
- status check and validation : would you have acted the same if we were actually together
My oh my what a egotistical drama queen.
By the way, welcome to the "What if" Land...be careful how you step while you are there.
"What you won't let die, won't let you live "
Oh man it just gets worse, she called me last night to "talk", Just kept going over it again and again and I just said that I really didn't want to discuss it whats done is done lets just move on and learn from it, then it was the whole she still wants to be friends, I just said that I need space and don't want to discuss being friends and the call pretty much ended there.
This morning I get a text from her just saying thanks for talking to her last night.... WTF !!!
I really don't like this "what if" land have so many of them going through my head, what if we did stay friends, what if I just told her to leave me alone, what if I reply to this message or that message... aarrgghhh its so frustrating.
TJ, friend, i know i might sound like "busting your balls" here and there and i also know the last thing you need right now is a "told you so" guy. Please rest assured that my bluntness isn't fueled by any of the things i mentioned, it's just the way i see and do things.
Regarding this girl, you are right, it will probably get worse (i'll get back on the "you only cry "wolf" once" a bit later) but as unbelievable as it sounds it is far worse then the voyage in "what if" Land you're finding yourself through right now.....just wait till Mister "I don't give a damn about you anymore" shows up to grab you by the hand. Jokes aside, look down deep inside TJ, if it's a relationship you're after, being "friends" won't (ever in my opinion) get you there. I'm a strong advocate of a "Keep your lamentations and stress luggage for yourself or the guy you're sleeping with" mentality, mostly because i've seen where it leads (a painful to get out emotional quicksand). What you're experiencing with this girl is a by the book "cat and a string" manipulation game...she'll throw you just enough attention to keep you interested and guessing but not enough to bore you or put you on the run. She wants "just friends"? That's not an option right now - end of story. You don't need to "make a statement", you don't need to prove yourself, just go NC and that's that. Sure, she'll push for a while, now and then, looking for cracks, especially now that you've already cried "wolf" once, but trust me, she's just looking to get a reaction and it's just her own interests talking not yours.
"What if" Land and messages? now that a bugger...it never ends TJ, now you're just in the state of "reply or not", wait until you get to "maybe i should have explained myself better"/"maybe she didn't understood"/"what if i said this instead of that" or the endless re-interpretations of HER messages, all ending in the "What if she didn't get my message and that's why she didn't respond" rock bottom. TJ, less messages means less worries.
"What you won't let die, won't let you live "
I'm not taking it as you busting my balls at all Slick , I know what your saying is spot on, its just difficult.
One day they have you believing that your the one for them the next its pretty much "hey thanks for picking me up and making me feel good, you may now go"
Its just a horrible feeling to deal with. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days now and whilst I almost text her today had the phone in hand ready to go something just said what are you going to achieve out of this, in my mind 2 outcomes
1. No reply leaving me feel worse because now i'm being ignored.
2. A reply but not what i'm hoping for.
Either outcome just would of made me feel more rejected so I put my phone away and just dealt with how I was feeling and eventually it went.
I know there are going to be other times she tries to text or call but right now its clear I am not ready for that communication as it will just end up with me having my hopes up and her having a puppet on a string that she can put down when shes bored of it.
I'm not going to lie its driving me insane not being able to talk like we used to but the more I think about it the more I see I was just used and nobody likes that. I'm pretty sure this road i'm on will get a lot tougher before it gets better but I can not allow her to use me like this I did nothing wrong towards her I do not deserve to be treated this way and ultimately its only myself that can put an end to these games.
The way to "end the games" is NOT TO PLAY. Such a simple concept but difficult to understand when the heart is involved. Do yourself a favor. Tell your brain and your heart to switch roles. Let your brain THINK for you and let your heart FEEL for you.
You can do it.
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle
Well its been a while since I checked back in, I don't know guess I kind of felt I had to go through that initial stage on my own if that makes sense.
Well its been a few weeks of complete no contact from either side and yes I do still miss her and think about her its no where near as bad as the earlier days.
I'm not going to lie I have been tempted to text her but each time before I do I think to myself what will I gain out of it and given the fact she has made no attempt to contact me I believe that speaks volumes. Alot of my friends still try to give me conflicting advice "oh you should go after her, its what she needs after her ex treated her badly, she will see that your not like him", my reply is always the same, this is not a movie it doesn't work like that besides why should I need to prove anything, if she really compares me to him then thats her hang up she can live in the past all she likes, I know I would of treated her much better than him but she decided she didn't want to take it any further, so why would I make a fool of myself. Despite everything and the no contact I don't have any bad feelings towards her she done what she felt was right to her I can't judge her on that, IF she ever gets in touch then I guess thats where I might have a problem like I say I do miss her still but feel more at peace with the situation but I know a little text from her is going to undo all of that, its crazy because part of me does want to hear from her but another part doesn't as i'm at a ok point with the situation as it is.
Hi there TJ, you have some impressive lines of thoughts in your post and i'm really glad you chose to head in that direction.
Your are spot on...in the end it doesn't matter what you would have done for her or how good you would have treated her as long as it is not a consensual thing. But i don't believe a measly "re-check my status in your eyes" text from her would derail you, because i think now you know exactly what place you want near this girl and i don't think you'll settle for less.
"What you won't let die, won't let you live "
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