Want to know what is going on... (long)

[Mariana345]

We met in highschool, and we dated about two months, we were kids and I ended it because, well, I was a kid. But he never left my mind and he told me years later that me neither in his. After 2 years in college he contacted me by msn, I was so suprised but glad to comunicate with him again and yes, eventually we start our serious relationship of almost 5 years (4 and 10 months...)

He had our problems, the first years were difficult, the middle were the best, and this last year and a half we had our ups and downs, but nothing that we couldn't handle. We are 26 years old and we just finished our studies officially, in fact one week before the BU I received my bachelor degree and the week before he received his. Well, this last year he have a lots of fights over silly things and in the last months almost every week. I don't even remember why were fighting.

Two weeks before BU we almost finish the RS, we were getting tired of each other over the fights and been mean and I didn't wanted to finish like my parents, with all the hate and stuff. He said that even when we were fighting he felt good around me, and we made up. The next weekend we go out with some of my friends and he acted like he didn't want to be there, so I separated from my friends to finish my date with him more politely, but he sense my angry and wanted to talk. He was mad at me for some comment I did about one of his friends that I had problems with about our project to obtain our degree... He told me that he missed his friends and that he need them at times when we fight. At some point of our discusion I even suggest to take some time separated. He didn't wanted to, because things weren't going to fix themselves.

Ok, here is some important point. In the two first years of our RS we have some problems with his best female friend. She liked him, they were very close, and he told me that he didn't knew or even think that she liked him, that they were just friends... but around her... I don't know, he didn't made me feel good. After some things she told him that she liked him and he stop his friendship with her. And because of that his other friends didn't liked me, because I "destroy that friendship", so naturally I felt uncomfortable aroun them, but even so I tried to be nice and be patient. I didn't work. But I never prohibited to him to see them, that was his decision because "he prefered been with me".

That last fight I agreed to be more flexible with his friends, but even so I have the feeling that he was forcing me, and made me really angry. The next weekend I couldn't met him on saturday for some family issues, and he told me that went out with his male friend to buy some cellphone accesories and then to his friend's house. When we talked he told me that didn't wanted to meet me next day, he was angry with me and didn't want to make or said something that he would regret. But I said that we should talk about this and agreed to go to his home.

It was 3rd of june, not so long ago. I went trying to fix things, yes, we were not so good, but I thought we could still fix it. I talked with him, at some point he says that It could be a good idea take that "time" separated, that he had some resentments against me for all the fights and problems, and that he feel like doing anything else to fix our problems anymore. Then I said that we had just the option to fix them or break up... At first he didn't wanted to "take rush decisions" but later he didn't find another solution, so breakup with me. He told me that he didn't feel the same, he had so many resentments, also that I had big dreams and he couldn't see himself in them, he just wanted a simple life, and that I didn't need him, that I'm strong and I'll be ok. Even told me he wanted to know if he could missed me or have back the feelings. We both cried, I begged for a chance, but he didn't wanted to. We hugged each other, crying and I keep begging. After a while I said that I will give him time and that I'll wait for him. He said he didn't know if he could come back ever, that he did not feel capable of.

So I left thinking we were just having some time. In that week he erased our RS from FB, like 4 days later. Next monday I sent him an email asking about what this "time" was about, and he told me he finished the RS, that a "time" can't work because that he did not feel capable to continue. So I said goodbye, and ask him to save some of my stuff for a while.

I went to NC all that time until the email, thinking he would miss me. Then I started my stalker phase, I had his fb and email account pass, so I started to check what he was doing, but never talk to him in any way. He went to some parties, some concerts, most of them with his cousin, or so it said in those fb events. But in his email I found out that the day after the BU we actually went to the movies, he paid with his credit card, two tickets. Then the next weekend the same, and the next he even preorder for a premier of johny deep's movie. He isn't a fan, and that is not a movie to go with male friends... He even lied to me when he went the day after BU, so I understand... He was dating someone else... That hit me really hard! I unfriend him on facebook (buy not blocked) and called him to ask (very polite, like I didn't know anything) to give my stuff. I was devastated, I understood why the week before he wanted to fix things and all of the sudden he don't want anything more. Feel betrayed, felt guilt, humilliated, and you know, everything else. I saw him to collect my stuff, he seemed to believed that I wanted to talk, but I just took my stuff, thanked him and said good bye and left. He was stunned. Later that week he asked me by facebook for some money that we were saving to live together. I replied that I would transfer him next week. I did and that was all. He just said thanks to me for transfer the money.

That week was my last as stalker, because I found out that he added his old female friend (the same with the problems) and even went out with her and his other friends.
That made me really sad, and I knew that we couldn't be together again. But still some kind of hope, and the memories make me want him back. I know is never going to be the same... I don't think that even be good again, but I still miss him. So I stopped all the stalk, and didn't look at his fb page, stay with NC, hopping either healing or getting him back.

It's been 3 months since BU and I think that he actually "dated" her new girl the day before (or even sooner) he broke up with me. I think that give him the courage to dump me... I've been in NC since then and I don't know anything about him, if he is with someone else or still, if he is happy or not, anything. But just the last week someone unknown sent me a message by facebook telling me "How does it feel that "ex's name" left you for someone else?" That either is a confirmation that he is with someone else (made it public) or just his crazy exgirlfriend (or someone else) who still try to hurt me... He haven't contacted me in all this time, he even blocked me after I unfriend him in facebook one month later. So, don't know where we stand anymore. Stupidly I still want him back... I think of him every day and just want him back... I even hate myself for this but I still love him. I do want to recover my life, I'm even going to study abroad as I always wanted but... Now I'm not too excited about it. I will gadly exchange the opportunity to have him back... I know, I'm so stupid, right?

Don't know if is a rebound, if is a new love, if he would come back, if he has G.I.G.S, just fell out of love, he want to see what else is out there since he is "young", he just care more for his friends, I don't know... He loved me dearly, we just started to fight a lot the last months, coincidentally when new sale women enter at his work place, what was a red flag for me, but tried not to say anything because or the problems with jealousy before (not that I was wrong about it though) and we are 26 and just finished getting our degree... So I think a lot of things were going, but not know what to think anymore. We also were looking for a place to move in together... sigh*

Sorry for the length but... I hope some men could give me any insight about this... If you still have any question please tell me... sigh*

[Mariana345]

I write this in another forum (ENA) for some things that I found out about this... I hope it will help you to know more about the RS:


*We were fighting a lot recently for silly things. We lost our patience with each other, some of his comments seemed foolish to me and some of my comments seemed to him like I was mocking him.
*Every nigth we talked on the phone, but recently we hadn't too much to talk. We just said hello, how was your day, fine and yours, fine... well good night! Well, not that short, but you understand.
*We fell into routine, every weekend did the same things, on saturday he came to my house and we watch tv or movies, sometimes we went out (to the same places), on sundays I went to his home and ... saw tv or watch movies, and sex. We also slept on sundays.
*Our biggest problem was his friend

[Dan72]

Sometimes, things that might seem a little upsetting are actually there to help guide us to the best course of action. Listen to the world and try to learn from what's happened.
Annita

I have agree with Annita here Mariana, and the part I've quoted above could have been taken from my own heart.

I know you're hurting deeply right now, but in my opinion, the part of you that misses him are the parts of you that hates the change this creates and the feeling of rejection. Rejection is never easy, but knowing about the other person will help you move forward faster than having no clue what happened and holding onto false hope.

You do need to shift your focus away from him. It's great that you can't see his FB account as there is nothing on there that will help you.

Ya know, whether he is on a rebound or not actually makes no difference TO YOU. It doesn't change anything hon. My ex happily bounced from one person to the next within days of a break up (or so it seemed). It cut me deeply when she did the same after me, and I hung onto hope that she would return once she became bored with rebound guy...... they announced their engagement a few months ago. Honestly, let go of the false hope and as Annita has said, try to move forward with your life without him. Remaining NC will make you stronger over time. We know how difficult it is when you love someone, but you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. You deserve to be treated like princess, not a nuisance.

I learnt the greatest and most powerful lessons from my devastating heartbreak. I am now so grateful that I went through that pain, because I would never has grown as much emotionally and spiritually as I have without it. Hold onto the lessons this is teaching you hon, you can and WILL do this, I promise.

We're here if you need us,

[Mariana345]

My Dear Mariana,
Reading your post, I see many things. I think you can see them for yourself. Would you be happy in a life where someone made you give up your dreams to stay with them? Would you be angry in the future? Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn't trust? Would you want to be with someone who did not respect you enough to stop others behaving in an inappropriate manner with him? I ask you to re-read your own posts and then think "Would I really want to take back this or do I deserve better?"

Yes, I know what you mean. I have to admit that I wasn't completely happy. I always hated the feeling of not being the best of me and I resented it to him. And yes, he wasn't the kind of man that I would deserve. Thank you for that

Breathe, accept the present and know that you have a wonderful future you are about to shape ahead of you and you have no-one holding you back. Sometimes, things that might seem a little upsetting are actually there to help guide us to the best course of action. Listen to the world and try to learn from what's happened.

I ask you to please focus on yourself, stop writing on forums about him (except in venting of course, it's good to get it out), instead write about yourself. I'd like to hear what languages you speak, where you'd like to travel to, what your plans are and now that you are not moving in with the ex, what are you planning to do with that money (get your own place perhaps?)

Tehehe... I speak spanish (my native language), a little english japanese and chinese. I'm going to China next year to finish my language studies (and now I wouldn't exchange that for anything!!! Really exciting!!) with the money I saved. In fact you are right, I'm kind of glad that this happened, I now can fulfill my dreams and have the life I always wanted.

You deserve better than someone who needs attention so badly that they cling to you and would then leave for another person because they could, this is not a good basis for any long term relationship.

Look forward, value yourself and hold your head high, you have had a narrow escape! You were nearly stuck with a life sucking parasite! Instead go and find yourself and enjoy your life. The right man who holds you in high regard and will support your dreams (as you no doubt will his) will find you.

All the best,

Annita

Thank you very much!! Your words made me really happy I do want a man who can love the best of me!

This weekend I went to a trip with a Friend (with benefits now XD) and I figure out that the world is really big, and I was just living in a really tiny space, there are a lot out there and I can have all of it if I want! Actually I was scared, scared of lost the "best thing in my life" but in reality it wasn't the best!! The best is about to come

[Mariana345]

I have agree with Annita here Mariana, and the part I've quoted above could have been taken from my own heart.

I know you're hurting deeply right now, but in my opinion, the part of you that misses him are the parts of you that hates the change this creates and the feeling of rejection. Rejection is never easy, but knowing about the other person will help you move forward faster than having no clue what happened and holding onto false hope.

You do need to shift your focus away from him. It's great that you can't see his FB account as there is nothing on there that will help you.

Ya know, whether he is on a rebound or not actually makes no difference TO YOU. It doesn't change anything hon. My ex happily bounced from one person to the next within days of a break up (or so it seemed). It cut me deeply when she did the same after me, and I hung onto hope that she would return once she became bored with rebound guy...... they announced their engagement a few months ago. Honestly, let go of the false hope and as Annita has said, try to move forward with your life without him. Remaining NC will make you stronger over time. We know how difficult it is when you love someone, but you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. You deserve to be treated like princess, not a nuisance.

I learnt the greatest and most powerful lessons from my devastating heartbreak. I am now so grateful that I went through that pain, because I would never has grown as much emotionally and spiritually as I have without it. Hold onto the lessons this is teaching you hon, you can and WILL do this, I promise.

We're here if you need us,

Thank you, and I know you are right. The thing is that he treated me like a princess before, but he changed a lot in such a short time... It is kinda scary...

I do miss him, and felt rejected, but I know that it hurt because I really loved him. Is not that I don't love him anymore, is just that my feelings are frozen, is like can't stop loving him but it is not a warm feeling. But right now it doesn't bother me that much. As I said previously I went to a trip with a "friend" that made me realize that I have all that I need to have the life I always wanted. I wanted it with him, but if he doesn't there is nothing I can do about it. I do believe that I could find a man who will want the best of me

About him... I don't know... It was just a surprise for me. I never thought he will do something like that. I actually thought he was mature enough to, at least, don't cheat on me. The break up was hard, but I can admit that we needed it. What I can't accept is the lying and cheating.
I thought he was the man who will never do anything that could hurt me on purpose, at least that was what I could trust about him. I just want to understad what happened. Not to have hope or not, just to understand...

[Mariana345]

Thank you for your wishes and your words, you are really helping me Anita

But you know, now I am scared. He pleaded that he loved me for 9 years, and for the first years he truly proved it. And all of the sudden he just don't feel the same, he find someone else and go with her... I don't know if I can believe in any man from now on. Does that mean that he didn't really loved me? Or just the love is so weak that can be changed so easily... I am really scared to compromise ever again. I know that a relationship is not easy, it requires work, but is it worth it? I almost wasted my life with someone like that... how can I avoid falling again in a trap.

I loved him because he was good with me most of the time, and I can't understand what happened, I am really confused... I want to know...

[Romi]

Hola Mariana, c

[Mariana345]

Thanks both of you. The thing is that I know I wouldn't have the answers by him. I am not going to contact him in any way, I really don't want to. But I still don't quite understand his actions. I mean, I thought he was different, but he is just like any other man, that would go with someone else if he had a chance (sorry to the men who wouldn't do this... but I don't know a lot of you ). No matter what bad our relationship was, I was in the same boat but I didn't do those things...

I kind of need those anwers because I have a controlling personality XD and I want to, at least know, what happened. If I would ever fall in love again I want to notice those red flags and do something about it before... I mean, I decided that I will not going back to him ever again, but he was the first love of my life and I want to know how we destroy it...

[Mariana345]

By the way Anita, I want you to know that every time I feel down I came here and read your first answer. It made me realize a lot of things and give me the power to keep my word with myself of not going back to him, and not to throw out my opportunities

[Mariana345]

I will answer the questions... I hope that will help me

Dear Mariana,

Thank you for your kind words. I am touched and pleased by the fact that you gain solace in my words, it is the reason I try to be here for people in this community.

Although I must point out, I am utterly selfish in doing so, I need to help people, it is part of my personality!

I asked "I suggest you answer your questions.

Lets just start with: Can one man be representative of all men?"

I think Romi answered that with a "No". Do you agree with her?

I don't know. I used to think that men are different, but I am not sure anymore. I thought my ex was different. That he will love me and never leave me. And he left me... and for someone else. And I've see that in my male friends also. Even in my family. I don't know, maybe man are wired really similar? I don't know


Then I asked "How about him "really" loving you, what is real love, in your view?

What about love, can love be weak or strong, in your opinion?"

Real love... well, you have a point, I don't know what is love. I used to think that true love lasted forever and that it was enough to make relatioships to work. If you lost it then you didn't have it in the first place. But now I realize what a fool though is that. You can love, and love can disappear and come back! Is not eternal. I came to that conclusion after study a little of buddhism. Love is so different, I now know that.


I didn't see an answer to these questions in your post, perhaps you could add what you think?


I then asked "Why are you afraid to compromise ever again? And does that fear help or hinder you? What can you do about that fear?"

Well, in your post I see an answer that says perhaps you feel compromising was a mistake in this relationship? Is that right? Also does that fear help/hinder you and what can you do about it?

I feel that compromising was a mistake because it finished and let me without nothing. You know, when he broke up with me I felt like 5 years ago, like I was in circles and ended it in the same place as before, just with more age, but still the same. Didn't grew up, didn't improve. Like a waste of time. I thought I was investing that time when I was going to spend my life with him, but just left and I lost all of that. It was a big mistake for me...


I then asked: "Are relationships worth it? For that question, I would ask, are you considering ever having one again, or have you decided never to try again; because the price of it not working out, is too high?"

I didn't see you answer this one, however since you mentioned a "friend" (in an earlier post), I read that as you have decided that the price of relationships is not too high and you would try again despite the risks?


I do wanted to give relationships a chance, but I don't know if it was too soon, or what. It felt good at first, when this friend was there for me and spent time together and made me feel good. But it was just that weekend, after that we are distant again and that was all. I am fine now but that made me realize everything that I lost, all the time, all the intimacy that I shared with my ex and all that we did to accomplish it and now... wasted, direct to the trash. Start over again doesn't seem appealing to me. I did enjoy the excitement of the honeymoon phase, but was better later, even with the problems and all... I loved the intimacy, the trust, I loved the commitment that I felt we had. And I don't know if it was true... myabe it really is too high what you risk for what you actually get




I also asked "How do you think you can avoid "falling again in a trap"? Also does the way you have written that question tell you anything about how you feel things occurred?"

Do you have any idea about why you worded that question in that way? You felt you had been ensnared? You were the victim? Is that how you feel/felt?

In your post you answered "What do you want to know and understand about what happened? Which things are confusing you?"


At times I feel like the victim. At times I feel like the culprit. I mean, I know that we had problems, and that we weren't fine, and I could understand the break up, even I was thinking about it, what I don't forgive or forget are the lies and the cheating part. That he waited until he had something "safe" to end things with me. I feel deceived, betrayed. I don't blame completely the girl (I know his friends were telling him to left me, but since I don't know who she is I don't know if she is part of them... and yes, I know it was his decision, but still that had something to do with it).

He always behaved in a way that made feel like he will never let me for someone else. Like he was always sure that he loved me and wanted to stay with me. And all of the sudden he is not. I don't understand the change of heart. Also it may have to be with the fact that since the break up I've been reading a lot about rebounds, G.I.G.S., male psychology and wanted to rationalize everything. It wasn't just enought to me that he give up, he lost feelings or just wanted to be with someone else. It just didn't make any sense to me.


You mentioned: "I still don't quite understand his actions. I mean, I thought he was different, but he is just like any other man, that would go with someone else if he had a chance (sorry to the men who wouldn't do this... but I don't know a lot of you )."

Why are you trying to understand his actions? His actions are based on who he is and what he thinks. You are not him. You will never be him. Therefore you are unlikely to take even the same action for the same reason. People are different. Two people may not like cheese. One person doesn't like cheese because it tastes funny. Another person may not like cheese because it is salty. Those two people may on the surface both appear to be similar, they both don't like cheese, surely that's a common bond? In fact when you truly understand them; you find though they exhibit the same behaviour, they have very different motives.

Firstly not all men behave like that. Secondly, if you have an issue in a relationship you need to discuss it. If you don't set guidelines about calling if either of you is going to be late, then don't expect him to call when he is running late. Establishing things like this means you are both reading from the same hymn sheet. Then people don't get upset or angry with each other for not knowing what the other person wanted or mistakenly thinking they were the "same".

Why did he leave? I suspect, though I cannot say for sure: http://www.thelovelogic.com/forum/sh...reto+principle

Yes... I also thought that when I read it... but I don't know what to think anymore...


You wrote "I kind of need those answers because I have a controlling personality XD and I want to, at least know, what happened."

IMHO what happened was, he chose not to work on the relationship. Not to communicate with you, set win-win guidelines and try to understand you. Not to take actions to adjust his behaviour in order to make it work. He decided that, whether he knows it or not, he decided to give up. How do I know that? You're here.

You cannot control another person. This is not something I am suggesting as a possibility. I consider this a fact. Unless you accept that and realise that you can only change yourself to remedy things when there is an issue (although you can ask the other person to do things you need, they must choose themselves to do it or not); then you will be in a self-perpetuating problem.

You stated "If I would ever fall in love again I want to notice those red flags and do something about it before... I mean, I decided that I will not going back to him ever again, but he was the first love of my life and I want to know how we destroy it..."

Just from re-reading your original posting I can see what some of the red flags were, I'm not going to tell you what they were Mariana, unless you fail to find them yourself in your post. I'm going to ask you to please answer the questions you missed from my posting and also for you to tell me what the red flags were and what you should be looking out for next time.

For those red flags I will need some more time I think. Because even in 5 years I didn't see them... and now I am more confused. I know we had problems, just weren't big enough to me to end things... I will think about it


Think of it as homework/lessons in love!

All the best,

Annita

And well, I also want him back, maybe for the wrong reason... to heal my ego. I want him to regret wasted those 5 years for a girl, or for a feeling, for partying, for the "freedom". We had a relationship, we were ready to compromise, to start our life together... and he just left. Just like that. I feel trashed that he was capable of that. It kind of hurted my selfesteem... I will never ever forgive that and kind of want a revenge. I want him regret, wanted what we had and then... me walking out the door and closing it forever. I know, I shouldn't waste my feelings like that, but still...

[Mariana345]

You know Anita... I am mad at myself.

After all this sometimes I still have this stupid thought: " I don't want to go to China, I will just stay here and change if you come back"... and then I get really angry at myself! How can I still think like that!! I dropped my life for him and he just decided to change me and not for the better and still... I can not believe how stupid I've become... In another time I would be leaving any lingering feeling behind in the exact moment I know he cheated... and now... I am so weak even for my own sake... *sigh!

[Mariana345]

Dear Tiggerinlondon... I would like you to give me some advice with something related to this... Well... I am mad with my friends. I don't know if they are truly friends. And maybe I will overreacting, but I am not sure.

I feel betrayed for them, although I want to understand them. The thing is that after my ex broke up with me to be with someone else (and that started before the BU), like one month after that my 2 girl"friends" invited him out. Nothing romantic, a hanging out like friends (we used to go out in group, but they were my friends, not his). He said he will go but never showed up. After that they invited him again and the same thing happened. Later he told them that contact them was painful for him and he unfriend them and blocked them on facebook.

You know, I understand that they didn't want to lost the friendship but... he left me for someone else! What bothers me the most is that my "friend" A even told him, weeks before the BU, that he should win an award for being with me, (what was one of the things that my ex used as excuse to the BU), and after the BU she talked to him and said that she didn't see us together. The thing with her is that she has a love life really crazy and sometimes she even flirted with our boyfriends, but I didn't said anything cause I knew my ex wouldn't like her and that she was having a bad time. So, for me, all of this is like she was hitting with him. Also, I have to say, that since some months ago she is mad with me, and I don't know why, she just one day stopped to talk to me. At first I wanted to fix things but she is just cold, so I left it that way, but now I am really mad with her. Is not my fault that when bad things happen to her she just get worse, and what bad things happen to me I just get better... I kind of thing she is jealous of me. I am so mad at her.

My other "friend" B, she is the one who surprises me the most. Like two or three years ago she was left by her boyfriend and for someone else too. She was really sad and devastated, but not only that. He actually left her with a STD that will be with her for life. She, as me, left a lot of opportunities for her then bf and even had problems with her family because of him. So... I was even more surprised that she actually invited him out! Like nothing happened. Also, I turned to her when I was so sad, she saw me in my worst and yet she did that. If someone could know what was I living was her. When that happened to her I just hated her ex. I even met him a couple of times and was close to hit him! No one would hurt my friends. But for them... I don't mean the same.

I am really mad. I don't talk to A and I am trying not to tell too much to B, I taking distance with both. I don't know if I am wrong to feel betrayed, but I don't feel like they are my "friends" anymore. Also, they seem that after I fixed my life and that now I am close to fulfil my dreams that I left for the ex, they are mad at me... they congratulate me and all, but later the seem like they don't want to talk with me about it. I tend to make my life soooo much better after a hard time, and they just don't seem to be able to do that, and I don't know if they resent me that.

I know them both since highschool, B before A, and we and we've been through a lot of things, a lot of guys, a lot of health problems, that I can not believe what they are turning with me. I don't know, maybe I am the wrong here.

Yesterday I was chatting with my friend "B" in facebook and she was posting some weird status. I am suspicious of her because after my ex left me for someone else she keep talking with him and even invited him out with other former "friend" (If someone want to know what happened can read this tread about ithttp://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432189 )

I can't trust people anymore. My ex, my "friends"... I feel like anyone can be an enemy. I have to stop having expectations on people because they always deceive. Even when I stood by her side when her ex bf left her for someone else she couldn't do the same for me. She knew what I was going through and still keep so friendly with him.

I won't trust her with important issues, I will keep our "friendship" in a superficial level. She also seem jealous that I am improving my life so much!! When I told her that I was leaving to China she seemed so surprised. She congratulated me but didn't feel like she was happy for me. And I don't want to talk about "A", she is the most deceitful person I know and B don't want to see it. Well, to bad, when she also betray her it will be too late.

What is wrong with the world?! The good thing is that I have the chance to start a whole new life, gain new friends and fall in love again. I can't wait for this travel, the people around me are the worst

Any advice?

[Slick]

Hello Mariana
I'm going to be blunt with you, mostly because that's my way of saying things but also because i believe you need a cold shower of objectivity right about now: your first phrase is correct, you are overreacting and even worse, you're starting to push people away. Both of your friends, were the way you describe them long before your break-up and you accepted them the way they are, with their highs and lows, even more, once you know a person for such a long time and in such detail, you can anticipate or at least have a idea about how they will react in a given situation. The catalyst in this episode is the fact that they "dared" to invite your ex out and at the moment this incident doesn't serve your interests in any way : read your other "seeking my ex's attention" thread, the one about you being worried for his future and his relationship with his mother. You've mentioned this encounter there also, but in different light, this time your friends were the good guys and they were serving your interests, because by them you would have kept an tab on your ex's whereabouts. Now you realize that there might be a bigger danger in them contacting your ex and you blow them both out of the water trying to pitch it on past, well known and accepted by you, facts. To me, it's not only unfair but also very unhealthy to react in this way towards them, based only on the fact that they invited your ex out ....time will pass, you will heal and you'll be starting to see that your friends highs outnumber their lows (like it was till now) but they might not be there anymore because you've pushed them far away.

The lesson to be learned here is that people move on and social interactions evolve ... you spoke highly of your ex's mother but the day will come when she'll choose listening to her son and accept him the way he is now (without you or with somebody else), cutting you out of the picture to preserve her mother-son relationship...what then? you'll feel betrayed by her also and pass judgement? You cannot control what others think and the choices they make and frankly i was never too fond of imposing "friends embargo's" (you are not allowed to interact with my ex because we broke off) - friends aren't wolf packs, nor servants, nor troops to be moved around the battlefield.

[Mariana345]

Hi Slick, I appreciate your advice but I have to say that things are not as you are saying. In my other tread I wrote this about my friends:

Then I went out with my friends and told one of BFF that is his friends as well (but it was mine first) what his mom told me. She actually confessed that she and another former friend of mine A invited him going out (without me of course) and he actually agreed but never showed up. Then they invited him again and again didn't show up. They were still friends in facebook and all of the sudden he sent them a message that he can't be in contact with them because it hurted him, so he unfriend them (like 6 or 7 mutual friends, but more mine than his) and later blocked them. This former friend "A" actually told him before the BU that he should win a prize for stand me so long... what a friend huh? actually when I was with him she was jealous because her love life was a disaster and even tried to draw his attention... actually she is mad at me, I don't know why but after all of that I don't care, she is no longer my friend.

and certainly I don't see them as the "good guys" and they were not serving my interests since they were doing that behind my back and only told me because B has no other choice to make some things sense to me. You are right, I knew them way before this relationship and that is why it surprised me. They were not like that before, the 3 of us were in other relationships and went in other break ups and always care for each other. As I said he hurted me a lot and they lived that kind of pain but didn't care.

You are right, I can not control what others think or do, but I don't think that they actions were those of a true friend at least to me. A true friend don't talk behind your back, does it? Specially with your boyfriend (at that time).

[Mariana345]

Dear Mariana,

I apologise for the delay in my response. However I think you know what I am going to say.

You know who is a true friend or not. You are the only one who can decide if their behaviours, actions and words are in alignment. If they say one thing and act another, then they are lying, either to you or; they truly believe they act the way they say they do i.e. they lie to themselves and don't know who they are.

We can't choose our family, we generally live with their issues and ask them to please adjust this behaviour or that; however unless they really do unacceptable things, where they cross the boundaries of family i.e. violence, psychological dominance with emotional abuse etc. we just put up with it.

Friends are not like that. We choose our friends. Maybe your friends were the right choice for you at the time at school and maybe they weren't (I don't know, only you know). However, are they the right choice for you now? What does your gut say? What do their actions, behaviours and words tell you?

Take care Mariana.

All the best,

Annita

Thank you for your words, but you are right. I think they are not what I need now... I am moving on with them also

You know, I've answered your questions and I am wondering if you have any more advice to me.

Oh, and I was reading your post about the 80:20 principle and I want to ask... In your experience, in the case of scenario 1 (or so it seems) do they "regret" what they did? I know that I shouldn't care but... my ego is asking me that over and over.

Just for you to know... I am moving really well, even though I still have thoughts of "him", but I am enjoying my life a lot and every day I am more and more excited about my travel (almost everything is running smoothly) and I realize what a bless is this break up... but still having those thoughts and lingering feelings...

By the way anita, your post really give me so much ease of mind, I am really glad I can come and ask you things and you are willing to help me (even with my craziness) thank you very much