Want to know what is going on... (long)

[Mariana345]

Dear Tiggerinlondon... I would like you to give me some advice with something related to this... Well... I am mad with my friends. I don't know if they are truly friends. And maybe I will overreacting, but I am not sure.

I feel betrayed for them, although I want to understand them. The thing is that after my ex broke up with me to be with someone else (and that started before the BU), like one month after that my 2 girl"friends" invited him out. Nothing romantic, a hanging out like friends (we used to go out in group, but they were my friends, not his). He said he will go but never showed up. After that they invited him again and the same thing happened. Later he told them that contact them was painful for him and he unfriend them and blocked them on facebook.

You know, I understand that they didn't want to lost the friendship but... he left me for someone else! What bothers me the most is that my "friend" A even told him, weeks before the BU, that he should win an award for being with me, (what was one of the things that my ex used as excuse to the BU), and after the BU she talked to him and said that she didn't see us together. The thing with her is that she has a love life really crazy and sometimes she even flirted with our boyfriends, but I didn't said anything cause I knew my ex wouldn't like her and that she was having a bad time. So, for me, all of this is like she was hitting with him. Also, I have to say, that since some months ago she is mad with me, and I don't know why, she just one day stopped to talk to me. At first I wanted to fix things but she is just cold, so I left it that way, but now I am really mad with her. Is not my fault that when bad things happen to her she just get worse, and what bad things happen to me I just get better... I kind of thing she is jealous of me. I am so mad at her.

My other "friend" B, she is the one who surprises me the most. Like two or three years ago she was left by her boyfriend and for someone else too. She was really sad and devastated, but not only that. He actually left her with a STD that will be with her for life. She, as me, left a lot of opportunities for her then bf and even had problems with her family because of him. So... I was even more surprised that she actually invited him out! Like nothing happened. Also, I turned to her when I was so sad, she saw me in my worst and yet she did that. If someone could know what was I living was her. When that happened to her I just hated her ex. I even met him a couple of times and was close to hit him! No one would hurt my friends. But for them... I don't mean the same.

I am really mad. I don't talk to A and I am trying not to tell too much to B, I taking distance with both. I don't know if I am wrong to feel betrayed, but I don't feel like they are my "friends" anymore. Also, they seem that after I fixed my life and that now I am close to fulfil my dreams that I left for the ex, they are mad at me... they congratulate me and all, but later the seem like they don't want to talk with me about it. I tend to make my life soooo much better after a hard time, and they just don't seem to be able to do that, and I don't know if they resent me that.

I know them both since highschool, B before A, and we and we've been through a lot of things, a lot of guys, a lot of health problems, that I can not believe what they are turning with me. I don't know, maybe I am the wrong here.

Yesterday I was chatting with my friend "B" in facebook and she was posting some weird status. I am suspicious of her because after my ex left me for someone else she keep talking with him and even invited him out with other former "friend" (If someone want to know what happened can read this tread about ithttp://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432189 )

I can't trust people anymore. My ex, my "friends"... I feel like anyone can be an enemy. I have to stop having expectations on people because they always deceive. Even when I stood by her side when her ex bf left her for someone else she couldn't do the same for me. She knew what I was going through and still keep so friendly with him.

I won't trust her with important issues, I will keep our "friendship" in a superficial level. She also seem jealous that I am improving my life so much!! When I told her that I was leaving to China she seemed so surprised. She congratulated me but didn't feel like she was happy for me. And I don't want to talk about "A", she is the most deceitful person I know and B don't want to see it. Well, to bad, when she also betray her it will be too late.

What is wrong with the world?! The good thing is that I have the chance to start a whole new life, gain new friends and fall in love again. I can't wait for this travel, the people around me are the worst

Any advice?

[Slick]

Hello Mariana
I'm going to be blunt with you, mostly because that's my way of saying things but also because i believe you need a cold shower of objectivity right about now: your first phrase is correct, you are overreacting and even worse, you're starting to push people away. Both of your friends, were the way you describe them long before your break-up and you accepted them the way they are, with their highs and lows, even more, once you know a person for such a long time and in such detail, you can anticipate or at least have a idea about how they will react in a given situation. The catalyst in this episode is the fact that they "dared" to invite your ex out and at the moment this incident doesn't serve your interests in any way : read your other "seeking my ex's attention" thread, the one about you being worried for his future and his relationship with his mother. You've mentioned this encounter there also, but in different light, this time your friends were the good guys and they were serving your interests, because by them you would have kept an tab on your ex's whereabouts. Now you realize that there might be a bigger danger in them contacting your ex and you blow them both out of the water trying to pitch it on past, well known and accepted by you, facts. To me, it's not only unfair but also very unhealthy to react in this way towards them, based only on the fact that they invited your ex out ....time will pass, you will heal and you'll be starting to see that your friends highs outnumber their lows (like it was till now) but they might not be there anymore because you've pushed them far away.

The lesson to be learned here is that people move on and social interactions evolve ... you spoke highly of your ex's mother but the day will come when she'll choose listening to her son and accept him the way he is now (without you or with somebody else), cutting you out of the picture to preserve her mother-son relationship...what then? you'll feel betrayed by her also and pass judgement? You cannot control what others think and the choices they make and frankly i was never too fond of imposing "friends embargo's" (you are not allowed to interact with my ex because we broke off) - friends aren't wolf packs, nor servants, nor troops to be moved around the battlefield.

[Mariana345]

Hi Slick, I appreciate your advice but I have to say that things are not as you are saying. In my other tread I wrote this about my friends:

Then I went out with my friends and told one of BFF that is his friends as well (but it was mine first) what his mom told me. She actually confessed that she and another former friend of mine A invited him going out (without me of course) and he actually agreed but never showed up. Then they invited him again and again didn't show up. They were still friends in facebook and all of the sudden he sent them a message that he can't be in contact with them because it hurted him, so he unfriend them (like 6 or 7 mutual friends, but more mine than his) and later blocked them. This former friend "A" actually told him before the BU that he should win a prize for stand me so long... what a friend huh? actually when I was with him she was jealous because her love life was a disaster and even tried to draw his attention... actually she is mad at me, I don't know why but after all of that I don't care, she is no longer my friend.

and certainly I don't see them as the "good guys" and they were not serving my interests since they were doing that behind my back and only told me because B has no other choice to make some things sense to me. You are right, I knew them way before this relationship and that is why it surprised me. They were not like that before, the 3 of us were in other relationships and went in other break ups and always care for each other. As I said he hurted me a lot and they lived that kind of pain but didn't care.

You are right, I can not control what others think or do, but I don't think that they actions were those of a true friend at least to me. A true friend don't talk behind your back, does it? Specially with your boyfriend (at that time).

[Tiggerinlondon]

Dear Mariana,

I apologise for the delay in my response. However I think you know what I am going to say.

You know who is a true friend or not. You are the only one who can decide if their behaviours, actions and words are in alignment. If they say one thing and act another, then they are lying, either to you or; they truly believe they act the way they say they do i.e. they lie to themselves and don't know who they are.

We can't choose our family, we generally live with their issues and ask them to please adjust this behaviour or that; however unless they really do unacceptable things, where they cross the boundaries of family i.e. violence, psychological dominance with emotional abuse etc. we just put up with it.

Friends are not like that. We choose our friends. Maybe your friends were the right choice for you at the time at school and maybe they weren't (I don't know, only you know). However, are they the right choice for you now? What does your gut say? What do their actions, behaviours and words tell you?

Take care Mariana.

All the best,

Annita

[Mariana345]

Dear Mariana,

I apologise for the delay in my response. However I think you know what I am going to say.

You know who is a true friend or not. You are the only one who can decide if their behaviours, actions and words are in alignment. If they say one thing and act another, then they are lying, either to you or; they truly believe they act the way they say they do i.e. they lie to themselves and don't know who they are.

We can't choose our family, we generally live with their issues and ask them to please adjust this behaviour or that; however unless they really do unacceptable things, where they cross the boundaries of family i.e. violence, psychological dominance with emotional abuse etc. we just put up with it.

Friends are not like that. We choose our friends. Maybe your friends were the right choice for you at the time at school and maybe they weren't (I don't know, only you know). However, are they the right choice for you now? What does your gut say? What do their actions, behaviours and words tell you?

Take care Mariana.

All the best,

Annita

Thank you for your words, but you are right. I think they are not what I need now... I am moving on with them also

You know, I've answered your questions and I am wondering if you have any more advice to me.

Oh, and I was reading your post about the 80:20 principle and I want to ask... In your experience, in the case of scenario 1 (or so it seems) do they "regret" what they did? I know that I shouldn't care but... my ego is asking me that over and over.

Just for you to know... I am moving really well, even though I still have thoughts of "him", but I am enjoying my life a lot and every day I am more and more excited about my travel (almost everything is running smoothly) and I realize what a bless is this break up... but still having those thoughts and lingering feelings...

By the way anita, your post really give me so much ease of mind, I am really glad I can come and ask you things and you are willing to help me (even with my craziness) thank you very much

[Tiggerinlondon]

Dear Mariana,

I officially forbid you to call yourself crazy or your behaviour craziness! (I know I'm not the boss of you, but please try not to do it!).

The reason why, is because what we believe and say about ourselves repeatedly, is often what we become, it's a blend of what Buddha said "The world is as you think it." and what Descartes wrote "I think, therefore, I am."

IME, it doesn't matter which scenario ensues, people only regret things that they later look back on and realise they ruined something that could have benefited them in some way, i.e. that person would have been supportive of them etc. However, that firstly requires reflection and secondly (usually) requires things to go badly for them so they can realise what was good in the first place! I'm not sure if your ex is capable of that...yet...ever?...who knows, I don't!

IMHO this is the problem with people, they don't know what they've got 'til it's gone! (I know it's lyrics from a Cheryl Crowe song). Also IMHO there is a reason, for balance, good and bad. Often if someone has suffered a very bad relationship, they will recognise a good one. If someone has only ever had reasonable relationships, they might end up continually searching, looking for something more.

I am really glad you are moving forward, I "hear it" in the tone of your posts.

I beg to differ, I don't believe it's my posts that give you peace of mind or ease your mind, I believe what you find reflected in the posts gives you solace. What each person takes away from a topic, is based on their own experiences and what they interpret from the communication. You are aware of anything and everything I have "told you". In the posts, you know it all inside, if you didn't; when I "say" it, it wouldn't resonate with you. You are the reason you are doing well. No-one else. Well done.

I come here, because, when I help others, I can't help, helping myself! In other words, I do this for my own selfish reasons, because it makes me feel good.

Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to try to assist you.

All the best,

Annita