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Thread: Please some insight

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    Exclamation Please some insight

    Hi! Well, life is weird, and every time that I am going out this issue something put me down again.

    Yesterday my ex's mom called me. She wanted to ask me if I could not trow away pictures that I have of his son. Actually I was saving them for her, I know that they were important. So I told her that and she started to vent with me. I really appreciate her and my ex's little brother, she actually say that I was like a daughter to her, she was really happy me been with her son.

    Well, she told me that my ex has changed completely. They argue a lot, in fact for a month now they haven't talked to each other. She said that at first he was moody, and she wanted to know what happened with us but he wouldn't tell. Then they started to fight that he was going out every weekend or getting home very late and even some days didn't came back (and not telling her), that lead them to fight about me, that he was tired of me mistreating him and that his mother just wanted him to be with me by force, and then he will recriminate his mom about her boyfriends (both of her sons are from a different father, she is divorced and had a buch of boyfriends over the years). For what I understood he was taking different girls to their house (he lives with his mom) and she told him that she wouldn't allow anyone but me, then he complaint but she told him that it was her house and she would determine who she will let in.

    Then was something about that she asked him not to do stupid things, maybe study more but he told her that he has studied enough that she should let him enjoy his life. Also... well, one of his aunts hinted that he may be drinking and doing drugs (he never, ever had drunk before or doing drugs, never) but he actually was going out to bars and spent a lot of money, but she never saw him drunk... but he didn't show at home at times, so... she is not sure.

    I told her what happened to us, that he in fact left me for someone else, that it hurted me but now I am fine, and told her about me going to China next year and not wanting to come back to his son, so she shouldn't be fighting with him about me anymore. She was crying. She said that the things were so bad that she actually did tell him several times to move out of the house (because she won't be mistrated by him) and actually told me that she was thinking take his stuff out some day that he is not home and change the locks. She can not stand it anymore. He don't want her or his brother talk to me at all.

    Then I went out with my friends and told one of BFF that is his friends as well (but it was mine first) what his mom told me. She actually confessed that she and another former friend of mine A invited him going out (without me of course) and he actually agreed but never showed up. Then they invited him again and again didn't show up. They were still friends in facebook and all of the sudden he sent them a message that he can't be in contact with them because it hurted him, so he unfriend them (like 6 or 7 mutual friends, but more mine than his) and later blocked them. This former friend "A" actually told him before the BU that he should win a prize for stand me so long... what a friend huh? actually when I was with him she was jealous because her love life was a disaster and even tried to draw his attention... actually she is mad at me, I don't know why but after all of that I don't care, she is no longer my friend.

    And then last week I found out that he deleted his account. Everything is really rare in him, with his former girlfriend he never blocked, or stop talking and when she added him in facebook he accepted her... until she started to stalk me and jeopardize our relationship. But at that time he continued being the same.

    Now, I have to say that I don't want him back! For real. But still have feelings for him and all of this is worrying me a little. As I have said before he started to act weird some months before the BU, picking silly fights and getting mad easily, and his reasons to break up were that we were incompatible (after 5 years he figured that out), that love was not enought, that he resented me for every problem in our relationship, that he didn't like the man he had become, that he didn't feel the same for me, that I don't need him I am strong and will be fine without him, actually that he wanted to see if he could recover his feelings and miss me. So a lot of things that I thing are contradictory and some random. And as I said before he actually dated someone else the day before the BU and keep dating after our BU. The last time we saw each other for me to have my important stuff back he was actually very kind to me and had a sad look and behave like he was wainting me to talk to him (just grabbed my things, thanked him and left) and the B-day he was crying and hugging me a lot, telling how bad he felt that he made me cry but he couldn't continue. And after 4 months and almost the same amount of time of NC (we just contacted a little the first 3 weeks to settle some mutual things) he is mad, making his life hard and making unusual things in him.

    So, I don't know what is going on with him. I've read a lot these last months and I believe that may be quarter life crisis, or G.I.G.S. or maybe his way to cope (but wouldn't he be doing his life better and not worse? Because he made those choices after all). But I don't understand the male mind... We actually were saving to live together and just obtained our degree a week before the BU, that is why I think is G.I.G.S, and his family loving me and my family loving him, and all... I don't know, I think we were having more troubles in the past and we fixed them, so this BU was kind of out of the blue... I don't know.

    I am worried for him, I just wish him not doing something so stupid to ruin his own life. I know he is a good guy, and that he will realize that he is doing everthing he said he never will do... but it make take time. I repeat, I am not going back to him, first of all I finally put my life together and I am happy with that and won't ruin my chances ever again. Second, he is mad, haven't contacted me and even humilliated me so not a good place for either of us. And he is becoming someone really awfull for me. But I want to know what may be going on with him, what will happen or what should happen to wake him up? What or how would the outcome be... I am worried, Will he be able to overcome all of this? Is just a phase? WHAT IS GOING ON?! Please, help me understand this (I'm not contacting him, or doing anything, just want to easy my mind... please)

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    I know it's hard when you still have feelings there and you generally care about him. I think we all care about our exes and I understand the concern. He may end up going down a bad path or he may straighten up and better his life but it is out of anyone's control except him (and God if you're religious). Maybe he will realize if he is out being wreckless or into drugs or something he may realize he is hurting his family. There is no way to really tell but it's better for you to keep on going with your life and your happiness. I know we all can't really help but wonder but in the end it will be alright.

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    TDG said it all, he is not your problem. He is the only one who can control him. Worrying about him will not help. You can only lead a horse to water you cannot make it drink. Let him go. Every ounce of effort/time/feelings you waste on him, would be better spent on adjusting the focus back to you and your life. Also you may want to count your blessings he left when he did.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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