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Thread: A love letter... to myself :)

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    Post A love letter... to myself :)

    Hi! I am you. I am Mariana, a 26 years old latin woman. I am been told that I'm uncommon, a little weird girl. And yes, I am indeed: I don't like to party, don't like to drink alcohol or smoke and obviously don't do drugs. I rather stay at home and read a good book, or see a movie, love to make cookies and cakes and I looooove animals. Some have told me that I am a "good girl" or lady like and I really like it.

    But sometimes I am also a little "tomboyish", because I like to hit things like in softball or tennis, I love to practice martial arts and kick boxing or tae bo (I love to move the body!! with exercise) and try new things like gotcha, flashmobing, or bungee. I have so much fun with this.

    Well, the thing is that I fell in love, almost 9 years ago. He did first, fell in love with me. We were separated for years and reunited 5 years ago. We still loved each other and were happy most of the time. He was mi real first love.

    Now is all over, and it hurts so badly, still 4 months later. At this early age I was ready to settle. We just finished our school duties and were saving to move in together, everything felt like how it was supposed to be. Yes, we had some issues, but nothing to big, or at least I thought so. He decided to quit and pursue someone else. He "cared about me, but didn't feel the same anymore". After 5 years he found out we weren't compatible and even he never cared about the future before he suddendly didn't see us together. I was "strong and didn't NEEDED him" "I will be fine without him" he said. He needed me to just need him... weird.

    Lies... lies everywhere. Some months before I was thinking he was acting weird with me. Distancing, getting mad easily, behaving weird. I told him that and started to be normal for a while. Then we started to fight a lot. I was tired, actually thinking of finish it. But we had so much between us, and loved him a lot, I didn't wanted to give up. We tried to fix things, but no matter what we kept fighting often. I lost my desire to talk to him at night. Actually we didn't have too much to talk to. He broke up with me just one week after we compromised in some issues, and after he went out with a "friend" and lied to me about it. He said that love wasn't enough and he couldn't continue the RS.

    Well, I know that he is not that happy. His mother called and told me that they are fighting a lot, he changed completely, 180 degree. She is close to kick him out of her house. That bad that she is thinking just grab his stuff, put it outside and change the locks. My friends told me that at first he was "ok", but recently he couldn't handle talk to them because is was too hard, too painful. So he is missing me. He isn't having a completely better life. Also, some think he is starting to drink or do drugs (he never did it before) and he is partying hard. He isn't going home at weekends. He is becoming everything he said he wouldn't be.

    Maybe is wrong for me to be a little happy about it, but everything hurted so badly to me. I was so disappointed at him to just throw away everything we had, everything we built in 5 years... I still am. And is good that he is also having feelings for us.

    I also became someone that I didn't like while been with him: a conformist, lazy, dream droper and frustrated woman, who stopped dress the way I loved because it was to "strawberry" or too girly and he didn't like it that much. Stopped to wear rings, earings, cute clothes to something more "comfortable" to be around him. I stopped going to my language classes that I loved, because I wouldn't use it since I was staying in my country, even though my dream always was (IS) to travel around the world, being a diplomat. But it was such a big dream for him, so he kind of made me settle for less. I was so scared to be one of those who are really successful but lonely woman, so I did, I settled. I dropped those dreams to stay with him. He loved me so dearly that it didn't matter that much to me, while I had his love nothing else mattered. I love animals and was happy when I helped stray cats or dogs, I even joined a association, but had to keep my weekends free to be with him, even if he didn't have plans for us. He told me he didn't cared what we do as long he was with me, that his favorite place was with me (and after he was mad that I didn't do things that he liked... oh well). But sitting on the couch I felt that I was wasting time. I wanted to go out and help, do volunteer work at least! But stayed with him to make him happy. I didn't realized it but I was wasting my life.

    This months I've learned a lot. I've been dating around, having fun with friends and fun by myself. I've been doing volunteer work and it feels great! I've learned how to feel great. I've learned that it feels great to be invited to activities that would make me happy just to enjoy my company. It feels great to be invited to a romantic weekend trip just to distract me, made me feel fine, experience new things, and been heard. It feels awesome when someone tells you that you definitely can fulfill your dreams, that you should go for it and you will have someone's support. It feels great been told how beautiful and smart you are. It feels so good when someone buy you flowers because they are beautiful and made him think about you, even though you don't have any kind of commitment with him. It is really flatering when someone goes a long way from his work to yours just to invite you to eat and enjoy one hour of your company.

    Is amazing loving the way I dress, the way I am, the things I do. Is amazing that just in 4 months I recovered my life, my dreams, and some of my confidence. Is awesome to me to know that within 4 months I will be travelling to study abroad, and I did it all by myself (well, with a help from my friends of course). Is amazing to have a better relationship with my family and friends. Is amazing feeling beautiful and that the others have noticed.

    I still miss the good times. Miss his kisses, his hugs, the "good morning" text we sent each other, the talks whe something went wrong or really great. I miss his accompanying me home. I miss feeling loved. I miss those 5 years together. But he is not there anymore, he is not the guy I loved for so long.

    But I don't know why I loved someone who wanted me being less. Someone that didn't wanted to set boundaries around his "friends" but wouldn't like me behave that way. Someone that said that wanted to move on with me but still spent a lot of money in useless things (like games or the newest cellphone, even gifts for me that I didn't wanted). Someone that don't have family values. Someone that lie, cheat, leave and blame me for everything. Someone that just because somebody else is paying him attention would leave a 5 year relationship, to party and do stupid things.

    I notice that my life is better without him. I know that I am more free, more ME. But still miss him, hurts to know what he really is. I am glad that I didn't wasted completely my life, I still have time to recover the lost time. But still hurts.

    Mariana, you know what you have to do. You know that you have to be happy with you first. Never ever let you change to adapt to somebody else. You know that are weird and uncommon and that it will be difficult to find a partner that will fit you. Because that is what you want, a partner, not just a boyfriend. You need someone who can make you grow, who will be happy that you are better, that will encourage and support your dreams. Who has the same love to help others, who believes in almost the same important things in life. Someone who can cares more than himself. And of course, someone that won't leave you for somebody just because is easier.

    You know that you can't go back. You couldn't trust him ever again. And you are not going to be that girl anymore. You have to move on, forget about him, find your own happiness. Be the other girl, the girl who can do anything she wants, the girl that feel proud of what she is. Yes, we are going to miss him and the good times but you know... maybe something better is wainting for us. Won't you want to find out? Don't settle anymore. There must be an awesome man waiting for you. Go out there and find him. We will love us more.

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    Yay! Wonderful post, everyone should do one of these, to remind themselves why they are so loveable!

    Remember, change is not always a bad thing, it's just forced change. If you always leave the shower on hot when living by yourself and your new partner wants it on lukewarm, then it's kind (and safer) to always leave it at the lukewarm temperature for them when you finish. It's something you have to change, but doesn't cause you any problems and in fact makes you more considerate (i.e. if you live with many people, this is the only really safe (scalding hot is not safe) and friendly way to keep things, I have found).

    Grow, learn and change, just make sure it's the right changes and you consider them an asset or improvement to who you are.

    All the best,

    Annita

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