Not sure if i'm falling out of love but.....

[dkd]

Well I've finally drafted my letter (all 2 and a bit pages of it) and have now got to revise it a bit before I give it to my partner.
It's taken me a few days but its almost there.

Last night presented a problem though.
We were lying on bed and my partner asked me, and I quote "Do you fancy a bit of rumpy pumpy?".

Now, as you can imagine, this wasn't what I was expecting as an initiation of sex. But if my partner didn't think there was something wrong before, she should know now.
I just deflected it and didn't give a response.
In fact, what I did do was leave the room and made myself a cup of tea and just thought about how this letter of mine really needs to be given to her.

As I stated above, I just need to word it correctly before I give it to her and hopefully it won't blow up to far out of proportion.

[dkd]

Right about now I feel like ****.
No. That's wrong.
I feel like a c*nt.

I drafted my letter and revised accordingly.
I changed words that would be seen as a direct attack but kept it honest and truthful.
I included how I feel and how she makes me feel.
I also asked her how she felt.

I was working my night shift last night and this morning, when I got back, I rechecked my letter and made sure that it wasn't just about me.
I wanted her to know that how she felt was also important but made sure she understood how I was feeling and why I did this in the first place.

Well she came and woke me up. Much earlier than I expected, and literally broke down in front of me.
She apologised for how she had made me feel and promised to make a change.
All the while she was crying profusely and these weren't crocodile tears.
These were genuine, real deal, full blown years that were a couple of steps down from hysterics.

She stated that she was sorry and that if I wanted to leave, or if I didn't love her anymore that she would understand.
I stopped her and told her that it was never about leaving, although it got bad enough to make think of it as an option, and that the whole reason for me doing the letter thing was for the opposite reasons.
I also made it clear that I did the letter as saying it face to face would probably be worse as I was bound to mess it up.

Though we have had a good talk about things and that we aired our feelings, I never thought for second that I would have done that to her.
I feel so bad now that I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to explain it but now, I feel worse than I did before trying to resolve this.

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Was it her reaction that makes you feel bad about it? That's understandable, but I still think that keeping quiet without making an effort to resolve anything would have been worse.

Did she read your letter, or did you read it to her? Or did she just guess how you were feeling? And, most importantly, was anything resolved and are you both going to work on this together?

[dkd]

Was it her reaction that makes you feel bad about it? That's understandable, but I still think that keeping quiet without making an effort to resolve anything would have been worse.

Did she read your letter, or did you read it to her? Or did she just guess how you were feeling? And, most importantly, was anything resolved and are you both going to work on this together?

Hi,

Her reaction to the things in the letter were what made me feel bad.
I never meant for it to hurt her at all but she looked visibly hurt.
And yes, she read the letter as I left it out for her to see.

Well things have definitely improved as a result and that she admits to a lot of what I put in the letter about her behaviour and attitude.
I feel much closer to her now than I have done for a while.
We are both going to work a lot harder to sort out any problems we have within the relationship and make a much more concerted effort to be much more aware of each others feelings.

All I can say is that it has helped a lot and, even though we are only moving into our second day, things are looking great.

[Tiggerinlondon]

Dear dkd,

I sat here and read your response and sighed, a sigh of relief, I must say. You both needed to communicate. Love is IMHO trust, caring, respect, communication, understanding and a spark. In my view you remove any of these things, you lose love. If you can both remember this formula and try to ensure you are expressing your fears and desires, then IME I have found it doesn't get to this stage.

All people want to feel loved, it's part of Maslow's hierarchy. I am tremendously pleased you have started down the road to hearing and listening to each other and meeting each person's needs. Please remember that it is a two way street, both people can often improve the relationship by asking for what they want without predicting (assuming) what the other person's response will be. Along with the process of asking what they want they can ask what the other person wants, it shows you care about them and their needs and wants. Generally IMV a win-win resolution can be reached even if you disagree, most people in relationships want the same goal, it's just they go about it in different ways.

I suggest that you ensure you let her know that you wrote the letter in order to assist better understanding, not to hurt her. I also suggest you ask that she write one (in the same, "I feel" format). If she's stopped being invested in the relationship, if she's not making the effort she used to, she also may feel that she is not cared about or that her needs are not being met.

I hope you both continue to show each other you love each other. Especially from my perspective, for women it is important to receive affection and to be thought about. So please try to consider her in all your actions (i.e. getting a cup of tea/food for yourself, ask if she wants one; no she's not a guest, but you would provide that courtesy and forethought for a guest, so remembering it for the woman you love; should be natural, shouldn't it?). Also try to give many positive remarks (this is especially important if she is not self-confident) has she just done all your washing and drying for you (as usual), let her know you appreciate it, tell her how thankful you are, you hate that task (or whatever!). Affection throughout the day is a good stimulant, not sexual affection, i.e. you're not trying it on, instead applying cuddles, little kisses, holding her hand and caressing the inside of her wrist (this is a point on most women that will stimulate good feeling); these things will hopefully provide "proof" that you care about her (not just want sex!). Again, if she is not confident, telling her you love her hair today, or she looks so beautiful without her make up etc. will help bolster her.

dk, do you know what you need? Were you feeling un-loved/un-heard, is that what made you have a low libido? If you start with I feel <emotion> when <this happens (not YOU do this!)>, then you can make the statement generally orientated and about how you feel and you can ask for what you want with "I wish/I would like or I need (ensure to include please!)..." in this way the blame can be removed and you can both try to resolve your issues. Remember to always end with I love you very much and I really want us to work this out (or something loving like that) and include towards the end, positive things, like I really enjoy it when you rub my back when I'm washing up, it relaxes me, thank you (or whatever...).

Good luck, let us know how things go, don't expect smooth sailing, you have both been holding your fears/desires in for a long time; you need to learn a new habit of being truthful and honest, gently, with each other.

All the best,

Annita