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Thread: Fear of intimate Contact-Improv

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    Default Fear of intimate Contact-Improv

    Well, I'm facing a dilemma here.

    My gf of 7 months who is a strikingly attractive, voluptuous woman, loves dance. Has been dancing for years. Shes quite good.
    I love her so so so much.
    She and I have been taking blues dancing lessons together. I'm just a noob at it, (but I'm Liking it).

    Anyway, she expressed to me the other night that she has an interest in exploring "contact improv".

    For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a highly sensuous, extremely erotic physical contact sort of 'dance' that involves the dancers intimately touching each-other, writhing on the floor together, There is a sexual energy created.
    There is contact with the pelvic areas. And there is groping.
    There are some, mostly male, individuals that participate that definitely have a lecherous quality to their dance. Some guys even get erections!!! One lady on Tribe.net defending this 'dance' goes as far to say that the erections are just "beautiful appreciations and not a violation"! (BULL$#

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    People have different attitudes toward sex, sexuality, and committed relationships, which is totally fine...but if yours and hers don't quite jive together, then it can become a problem.

    I think if you feel this strongly about it, then you should have a serious talk with your girlfriend about it and tell her exactly what your feelings are on the matter. If you don't, and decide to either just "go along with it" to avoid conflict or allow her to explore on her own without her knowing how it affects you, and you'll end up resentful. If she loves you, then she would most certainly value your feelings enough to come to a peaceful agreement with you. Let her know what exactly it is that bothers you when it comes to "contact improv" (which I've never heard of, so this is a new one for my vocabulary!) - you're clearly not comfortable with the idea of yourself participating...and you're uncomfortable with her doing so as well, which I completely understand - something like that can easily feel like infidelity, and it can make you wonder, "Well, am I just not enough??"

    Chances are that this has less to do with her being unsatisfied with you and perhaps more to do with her approach to sexuality in general.

    I think it would also be a good idea to communicate your fears in this as well - that you aren't "enough" for her, and that you're afraid she'll resent you because of your complete lack of interest in participating in this. Basically, I think a good way to deal with this is to get everything out into the open - keeping secrets when it comes to things like this can really hurt you both, and your relationship. At the same time, listen to her side of the story as well, just so you understand where she's coming from - what is it about this that interests her?
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Contact-what? I'm in the same bucket of "I've never heard of this mumbo-jumbo" with Kel here but hey, i've never been quite the dancer dude so far.
    Did some google-ing and boy oh boy, the stuff lonely people come out just to get some booty-action it's mind-boggling. Yeah, let's say i'd understand this as a weird fetish-ish "watch it up on a stage" Cirque du Soleil wannabe show, but as a form of dance to learn as an individual? Just roll on a carpet a few times, back and forth, forth and back and go sideways for variation on some meaowy Who strangled the cat? song and that's pretty much it. Or add some of the weirdest plants you find in the garden to the pot you're smoking and then roll around on the floor either due to your brains turning to mash potatoes, or due to simple agony...yes, all on the meowy music.

    Ya ya, i'd bet the "purists" would love to bore me to death with some "you don't get art" pseudo-arguments, but heck man, i'm not the one rolling on the floor just to get some human contact. One thing i was sure so far, modelling and fashion shows are Prostitution 2.0 for rich people (right, they all go there to watch sh*t you'd never wear alone in your bathroom, let alone around other people) but i'll add this "CI" (see? i'm learning) as a pathetic excuse for lonely people to bump uglies or bat-sh*t crazy/weird people to meet each-other. BTW, a boner is still a boner and i'll bet nobody will see it as a "beautiful appreciation" in the street or some other public event but hey, maybe that's the purpose....weird or not, i've encountered many women that used close-proximity dancing (aka rubbing their asses) to asses what type of gun their partner is holstering (Yeah, if by chance dudes are reading this and you've ever wondered why queen of the dance Mary with who you had such a "good vibe" that night, suddenly gave you the cold shoulder after some crazy hot dance....think false advertisement...or she wasn't happy with the package ).

    Now, honestly i think you should dig why exactly she's into this kind of thing...everything has a motivation, so this is motivated by something and by God, i won't buy that "I love dancing" excuse because this CI is mainly promoted as stage show (do it in a club and they'll call paramedics) and frankly, is not that popular (less popular than Moulin Rouge Can Can dancing for example, which a)is actual dancing; b)is also group stage performance). So my bet is that it's not the dance per se (if you want to call it a "dance" that is) but something in the dance.
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    Dear Earthkat,

    Welcome. Hmm...I feel you are voicing your opinion here because your fears/desires have not been vocalised to your partner. My suggestion is simple. Have a frank and open discussion about why your partner wants to do this.

    Remember, often people needing multiple partners have psychological reasons for this i.e. abandonment, therefore they cannot commit and must have multiple partners to boost their belief in themselves, because they cannot accept they are desirable otherwise. There is also the other side, those who are co-dependant and must be with someone no matter what the person puts them through, because pain is love and they remember that from childhood (these are often the types who will stay with the partner who wants multiple partners as they will accept anything, even scraps of love as they see it, because they don't feel capable of dealing with life alone or confident in themselves). Unless these people get help, they will need to have each other. They cannot survive in healthy balanced relationships, because they are neither of those things. It's like, having to find the person with the matching/opposite disorder in order to be parasitically compatible.

    It's sad, however you cannot force people to seek help. If for whatever reason, you and your partner are not on the same wavelength, be sure to say what your boundaries are and what is a deal breaker for you. Don't accept less than a balanced healthy relationship for yourself. That is what you deserve.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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