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Thread: I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    Hi everyone i really hope you can help me with this.

    I was with my bf for 17 months. I walked away because I felt I didnt have a choice. At the beginning we were pretty happy, went on holidays and enjoyed spending time together. Moved in together after probably 3 months. We had an occasional argument because he would flirt with women and I would get jealous. I found out he texted a woman who is 20 years older than him, saying he would send her sexy pictures of himself, they were flirting with each other. Few months before we broke up, he went on a stag do and met a girl and gave her his phone number. She added him on facebook. We were arguing a lot and I left to stay at my sisters for 4 days. I wanted to come back but he wasnt sure he wanted to be with me, saying I was too jealous and I had issues I needed to sort out (I sometimes flipped when he wouldnt talk to me and told me to shut up and I went mad).

    Anyway he said he wanted me to come back and after that I found out about him exchanging phone number with the girl from stag do and also messaging his ex on facebook wanting to meet up with her. By this time we argued every day. Then one day i was at work and he went to work driving to scotland overnight. When i asked him if anyone was going with him, he said his mates daughter (14 year old). I found this really weird as they were going to sleep in a van. I told him on the phone i couldnt deal with this anymore and that I was leaving him. He told me to get a grip. I did leave that night. After that he was texting me how he wanted to be with me and how he would change. I met him a few times. 3 weeks later he told me he text me pretending to be someone else and that I replied I wanted to go out with this other pretend person, i couldnt believe he could do that but all text messages between me and this guy he pretended to be were on his phone and he showed me. He told me it was over and to delete his number. I walked away and I deleted his number. Oh by the way I never replied that I wanted to go out with anyone else.

    Anyway he started texting me again saying he wanted to be friends and after few days he said he still loved me and wanted me back. Then a week later he text me asking if i met anyone else and I said no. He said he did but its not going anywhere as he wants me. He said he NEARLY slept with this girl but he couldnt do it because he realized he loved me and wanted to make it work. Another week later and he told me he wanted me to trust him so gave me password to his facebook. I found out he was messaging women asking them out for a drink when we were together. He called them sexy and said he wanted to take them out. I was gutted and thought thats it. But again he said it was innocent and didnt mean anythig by it, that it was just a confidence boost. After this I cant decide what I should do. Tell him its over for good or give him another chance but what if he does it again? Thanks for any advice
    Last edited by OhManINeedCoffee; 12-12-2012 at 09:05 PM. Reason: Paragraph breaks for readability

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    Default

    Hi, susie, and welcome.

    To be honest, I smell a man-child, and here's why (please correct me if I've misread any of the information you gave us):

    1. He constantly flirts with other women, gives out his phone number, agrees to send sexy pictures of himself, etc. all because he needs an ego boost.
    2. When that behavior upsets you, he manipulates you into thinking you have "jealousy issues," thus shifting the blame onto you in order to avoid taking accountability for himself (i.e., "get a grip," "shut up," "you need to sort out your issues")
    3. He plays games with you, i.e., texting you while pretending to be someone else just to see if you'd do anything "unfaithful," and when he got what he felt was "proof," he used that opportunity to break up with YOU (even though you'd already left him). This strikes me as a game he played in order to put himself in power again.
    4. He now wants you back because you are not there to give him the validation he craves - if he did not crave constant validation, then he would not flirt with other women "just for a confidence boost."
    5. He now wants you back because things aren't going as planned with some other girl.

    These are all huge red flags to me. Why? Because real men don't play games to get what they want. Real men have self confidence that comes from within, not from other people - it's called SELF confidence, after all! Real men are accountable for themselves, and, most importantly, real men do NOT love with their egos. Love is a combination of head and heart...loving only with one's ego is a selfish love. If selfish love is all he has to offer you, then I think you'd be better off leaving him alone. After all, the best way to end these kinds of games is NOT to play.

    Those are simply my observations, and I'm giving them to you strictly on a "take it or leave it" basis. But let me ask you a few questions as well.

    1. Why do you think you might want to be in a relationship with him again? Please give an answer that isn't simply, "Because I love him" - really put some thought into it.
    2. What positive things could/did you experience from a relationship with him? Do they outweigh the negatives?
    3. When you're with him, do you feel as though you're respected, understood, and heard?

    I look forward to hearing your answers.

    - Kelley
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    Hi, thank you very much for your answer, it really is an eye opener to read what someone says. To answer your questions.
    1) I think I want to be in a relationship with him because at the beginning of the relationship it was great and I felt loved and wanted, I enjoyed spending time with him and he was always generous, he would surprise me with holidays and days out. He told me he loved me every day and I still have feelings for him now. But thinking about how he was in the end, I didnt like how he treated me and thats why I left. Saying I still love him is probably not a good answer seeing what you said.
    2) positive things again would be how nice and generous he was, he bought me a car but when I left him he wanted everything he gave me to return, which I did, I didnt really want to keep anything and I know he could cause more problems if I didnt want to give it back. Thinking about positive in behaviour, he was a nice person when he wanted to be, telling me he loved me and very affectionate when we were alone. He would call me princess in front of his friends. But he could also be very cold, rude, stubborn, thinking he is superior, unpredictable, always wanting to be out doing something or being with his friends and in the end I started to get anxious not knowing what he was going to be doing. And no I dont think the good outweights the bad but if there was no good than I wouldnt even have to think about this
    3) i never really felt heard and understood and respected, he has hard time talking about feelings or anything that is serious, even now if I try to talk to him about us, he jokes but he tries. But I dont think he realizes how upset his flirting is for me. All he says is that he loves me and hes sorry.

    We are still in touch a bit, he texts me to see if I am ok and I cant decide what would be the best thing to do.

    Thank you for advice, looking forward to seeing what anyone can say about this.

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    Hi I wish someone could reply to me. I am stuck. My ex keeps texting me saying he wants me back all the time and he text me this morning saying he is now more sure than ever. The thing is that I dont believe him. What do I do? I would like to believe he wants me back but about 3 weeks ago he kept saying he wanted to make it work and then when I met him he came up with the story that he was pretending to be someone else and he was texting me to see if I wanted to go on a date with a random guy. Since then I dont believe he wants to get back together. What do I do? Please any advice is really appreciated. Thank you

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    Default

    This is something you have to decide for yourself - I can't in good conscience tell you what to do, but I can give you my thoughts:

    Actions speak louder than words...a person can SAY they want you back, but what do they DO to show you that things will really change? From what you've said, this guy has done nothing beyond texting you relentlessly with pretty words.

    People often say that things were wonderful at the beginning of a relationship, but that things changed. Of course they were great in the beginning - it was the honeymoon period. If he suddenly stopped treating you like he did at the start - went from being generous and loving to flirting with other women and disrespecting you, it doesn't mean he changed. It means he finally took the "good behavior" mask off and became who he really was. This is why I caution people about getting back into an unhealthy relationship based on how great it was at the beginning - the beginning was the mask, not the real person.

    Has this guy done anything to show you that he's grown up (and perhaps grown a pair) at all? Has he given you a real reason why he wants you back (other than the blanket "I love you" that means nothing unless he backs it up)?

    I can only tell you what I would do if I were in a similar position, based on my own personality. Having dated an immature man-child in the past, I've developed a zero-tolerance policy for the kinds of things you've described. I have no tolerance for boys who make excuses and act like spoiled princes. I have no time for games and pretty words. Life, in my humble opinion, is far too short to drag yourself down with immature people and their nonsense, and I don't suffer fools gladly. For me, life is about moving forward and constantly growing - not being stuck in an unhealthy cycle. So, based on that, if I were in a similar situation, I'd move on to better things.

    I don't know if this is the advice you want to hear, but those things are only my take on the matter.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    I really appreciate your honest answer and I completely agree with you. I read loads of posts about actions speak louder than words and I know its true. He doesnt do anything else except texting me to see how i am or that he wants to see me or get back with me. He never comes to see me because at the moment I live with my sister and he hates her so he says he wont come to her house, so its me who has to come and see him. He was seeing a girl right after we broke up and is still in touch with her. Its hard to believe he wants me back because he hasnt changed at all, he actually got worse. I dont really think he will ever change, and he says he would if I got back with him. I think he thinks why should he change if I dont want to be with him now? So what would be the best thing to do? Tell him that we shouldnt speak anymore? Why do I still want to be with him when I know he wont change? And when he says he would how do I know its true? Thank you

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    Hrm...if his thought is, "Why should I change if she doesn't want me anymore?," to me that means that any changes he would make for the sake of the relationship wouldn't be genuine. He'd simply be putting a mask back on.

    It's not unusual or "wrong" that you would still want to be with him despite the fact that - you're right - he's probably never going to change. 17 months is a long time to be with someone and to love someone - you can't just "turn off" those feelings like a switch, even if you know you don't want to go back to that person. A breakup from a long-term relationship is a huge change (especially when you've been living together), and, like anything else, it's an adjustment. Of course you're still going to have residual feelings. And you may even want to be with him - either because it's "habit," because you're used to being with him, or because the prospect of being on your own and adjusting to such a big change can be a bit scary (I've been there, too, don't worry), or even because you miss feeling the way you felt at the beginning of your relationship. However, who's to say that you could only feel that way with him? And who's to say you won't find someone who can make you feel even MORE loved and cherished...and do so consistently, rather than just during the honeymoon phase?

    Around here, we strongly advise no contact in situations like yours (unless children are involved, or something else that absolutely REQUIRES some contact). There are a few reasons for this, and the most important reason is for YOU. If you continue to respond to your ex or initiate contact with him, you're not able to focus on you and your own well-being. When your feelings are still raw the way yours are, it's very easy to get sucked back into your ex's world, into his baggage, and into his feelings while forgetting about what's healthiest for you. This may sound selfish (and he may even accuse you of being selfish), but in my opinion, it's selfish to refuse to respect someone's need for space, to try to lure someone back simply for one's own validation, and to manipulate people into getting what one wants. No contact is designed for you - to help you take some time to think and get some perspective on your situation and feelings, to build your strength as an individual, and to figure out what you want (and - just as importantly - what you DON'T want). It helps to remind you who you are WITHOUT your ex.

    I don't claim to be an expert on love (since love is a bit different for everybody), but there are some things I do know for sure. Love isn't supposed to hurt. It isn't supposed to be about just one person. It isn't about using someone or manipulating someone. The truth is, you don't know whether his promises to change are in earnest or not. You can only make a guess based on his past and current actions. I tend to be a bit of a skeptic, especially if someone has already broken my trust, and it would take a LOT for someone to show me that they're serious. I can tell you that it would take a LOT more than a bunch of text messages. His text messaging, to me, looks passive-aggressive and a little bit cowardly. It's also kind of a red flag to me that he hates your sister so much that he refuses to be anywhere near her, even for your sake (childish/selfish behavior, in my opinion), though I don't know the circumstances behind that.

    During times like this, your head and your heart are confused and conflicting with one another, so I will ask you this: what's your gut telling you? If it's making you hesitate, then I would listen to it - intuition has a funny way of being right, even if you can't explain why.

    Again, my advice is on a strictly "take it or leave it" basis, but given what you've shared with us, I would really advise to go no contact with him - I get the sense that you would see only temporary changes if you resumed your relationship, and I don't like to see anyone "settle" for something that's less than what they really want/need. It also sounds like no contact will be difficult, given the fact that he's always texting you. Usually with people like that, telling them, "Please don't contact me again" goes in one ear and out the other - it just makes the other person push harder. This can sometimes make you feel pretty darn good/flattered, and sometimes people will do no contact simply for the ego boost - I adamantly advise against that! With all these text messages, he's simply trying to get a response from you - if you no longer respond, then he will eventually realize that he can't manipulate you like that anymore.

    I know that no contact will also be extremely difficult for YOU (most of us here have been through what you're going through, and we know how hard it is). Here are some links for you that can help. I highly recommend SuperDave71's "No Contact for Dummies" guide here:

    http://www.thelovelogic.com/forum/co...de-SuperDave71

    And for some common sense mixed with humor:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3WGcC_H-sw (sadly, you only get the audio...the video was removed for copyright reasons)

    And a good article from our lovely Super Moderator, Annita:

    http://www.thelovelogic.com/forum/sh...ought-stoppage

    Hopefully those are helpful!

    - Kelley
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    Hi thank you again for advice. I want to tell you what happened tonight. He text me asking what i am doing so i said im just at home and what is he doing. He said no plans, his mates are going out but thats it, i asked if he is going and he said not if i want to see him then he wont go out. I said what do u want to do? He said dont know. I said oh ok, u want me to come or not? He said im gonna go out with work, they just phoned, sorry. I said dont tell me u want to get back with me. He said i cried today as well. I want things back as they were when we first met, then he said why u dont? ( in reply to me saying not to tell me he wants to get back with me). I said u ask me to come see u and then say u going out? He said i didnt think u wanted to then they called. And i really do want you. I said why dont u tell them u not going then? He said they on way here now. I said see always last on priority list. He said no not at all, never, i love you sooo much. I said actions really do speak louder than words, bye and he said please dont be mardy with me, love you.

    Now what to think??? Im pissed off that i always fall for sweet words!! I mean if he wanted to see me, surely he wouldnt swap me for friends and a night out?
    What shall i do? No contact from now on??
    Thank you so much for advice.

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    I am also thinking whether i am overreacting and expecting too much? I mean we didnt say we would meet, he only text me tonight and then said he was gonna go out. Am i expecting too much? Thanks

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    Regardless of anything and everything he said tonight, my one observation is this: Again, all of this is communicated to you through text messaging. How much can any of this possibly mean when it's communicated through something so impersonal and passive-aggressive as text messages? He's not said any of this to you in person, he hasn't made any effort to say what you actually mean to him in person. How much meaning can anyone possibly put into a text message?
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    Hes been messaging me again, last night he text me saying he missed me. I was like wtf? Lol i have been ignoring him now, he tried to call, hes been texting saying im being ignorant and that hes been messaging me loads. Seriously is he stupid? I know its just a game for him now, i dont know what i should say anymore. I dont want to be messed about like this. Do u tell them its best not to talk or just ignore? Not sure whats the most mature decision? Thanks

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    Well, if you feel that you're done with this relationship, then I'd suggest telling him so - just so he's been made aware of your intentions. If he continues to try to contact you (and chances are, he will, because he won't like not getting his way), then you can ignore him. In fact, it's probably best that you do ignore him after you've made it clear that it's over - if you respond, he'll simply think you're not serious.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    I dont feel like i am done with the relationship, obviously i still wish it would work but i feel like there is nothing i can do. He doesnt seem to realize what i want. I text him today after hes been texting me and calling me, i said its not going to work and he text back saying why not, you dont even seem willing to try. Then he said night i will never let go. Whats that supposed to mean? I find it so hard not to text him back and i kinda feel sorry for him too but i probably shouldnt, hes probably still playing mind games. I am confused. Why does he say that but puts his friends first? Is he just saying this to keep me hoping or something?

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    Default I broke up with bf and not sure i did the right thing?

    Hi its me again. I didnt contact him today at all. He text me at 9pm asking if i was ok and i ignored him. He text me again after 2 hours saying night night love you xx. Now why is he doing this? Should i ignore him or tell him that i dont think its going to work? I already told him that last night. I am thinking of doing the 30 days nc. Please can someone advice me. Thank you. I know i am a pain in the ass lol.

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    Well, the truth is that only he knows exactly why he's doing this. Usually, people do this when they want to get a reaction/response out of the other person.

    Again, all I see that's important here is that he's still hiding behind text messages with sweet words to try to lure you in.

    Honestly, I don't think knowing "why" is going to help you at all. It's just going to give you even more questions that lead you around in circles.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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