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Thread: Screwing Up A Short Term Relationship

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    Default Screwing Up A Short Term Relationship

    Hi all,

    Here's my story. I screwed up a short term relationship with my GF. I'm 23, she's 24. We're in college now (masters), together in the same program. This is my first experience of dating someone. You can say that I lived in a shell before all these happened. Around a month ago, I started asking her out: going to the movies and visiting the zoo in the town, in the weekends. In the meantime, I helped her with her studies. I'm quite good at my programme and have helped a lot of people, partly in trying to impress her. Eventually, we regularly skyped, discussing about studies, and having small talks.

    So, after my third date (if it can be called a date), I asked her if she wants to be my GF. She hung me, saying that she wanted to get to know me better first. Then I ok'd her, and we continued going out in the weekends.

    I don't know if it helps in our relationship, but at one point, she got very sick, and I went to her flat, giving soup and some medicine. Later, her mom was impressed of me, and she cooked lunch for both of us, and we both had lunch together.

    I put her in my group for a semester project. Besides her, I was with 2 of my flatmates. Basically, toward the end, results are not yet ready, and the three of us (me and my flatmates) had to work the most out of it, and couldn't involve her 'cause we're working like crazy till midnight for 2 straight days.

    In between the time, I managed to go out with her for a brunch, asking her to come to join us. Then, kissed her when walking her to the train station that would get her home. I think she didn't feel comfortable with that. But she acted as usual and came to our flat anyway, though only for a short time, while the three of us continued working till midnight.

    I got burned out after it's done, and the next day, on 4th December, I met her and asked her out. She was cold to me that day. It was the first time. We had an assignment due tomorrow. We've finished ours and she wanted me to check it. I asked her to go out after we've finished checking her assignment. She said later, after the assignment. She also wanted to go to 2 workshops that day. So, I followed her (maybe this somewhat discomforted her, as we didn't plan to go together).

    After the first one, she went home, and instead of checking her assignment together, she sent me hers by email. I checked it, sent it back, saying it's alright, then asked her again. But now, she refused and saying that instead she wanted to go to the gym. When we met again later for the 2nd workshop, I kind of plead to her to go out. I had never done this before. She kept her stance. Finally, after it's finished, she went to the gym. And I asked that at least I wanted to walk her home, and told her to call me after she's done. She said ok. I waited for her.

    This is where I screwed it up. Around 15 minutes later, I got a text message saying that I should go home and don't wait for her. I knew something was wrong, and started to apologize to her for everything that I could think of, and saying that I only wanted to spend some time with her that day. Then she answered that she didn't have the same feeling as I did.

    I got so confused and devastated that I went to her flat, and texted her that I was around and I wanted to talk to her. She didn't want to see me, and she didn't like being ambushed. Ok, I went home in shame.

    Then I skyped her saying I'm sorry, don't let this compromise the project. I was also saying that when I asked her to be my GF, I wanted to say I love her, but now I know that I don't deserve it. Of course, she replied that I overreacted, that she would not let this compromise the project, and that we should forget about this. I ok'd, and asked to meet her the next day to straight things up. She replied no, 'cause she alread felt extremely uncomfortable.

    Then I put an NC in effect, well maybe LC. We met in class, but said nothing. Only time we talked was when we further discussed about project presentation. Last Friday, I met her again in the bookstore. A classmate was putting a party that day. I asked her if se's going, and that's it.

    At the party, I started a small talk with her. Asking how's exam (we had two exams that week, and more in January later), and when she's gonna go back to her home (both of us are from outside the country, and also from different countries). She asked me what I'm gonna do during holiday. I answered that I already have plans. That's it.

    Yesterday, I emailed her a Christmas and happy new year greeting while wishing safe journey home. I asked her not to blame herself for the project as her somewhat minimal involvement was due to bad coordination from me and my flatmates. I also said to let the year behind and start a new one with high and renewed hopes, and that she can pursue her research interest next year, which she couldn't do (it's one of our team project's topic, but the majority of our group flagged it). She just answered the greetings, saying some joke about my research interest and that I can pursue it next year, but didn't bring up the subject about the group project.

    Ok, so here I am texting to you guys. I'm struggling with NC here, and I'm still thinking that our relationship deserves another chance, mainly because I screwed up.

    I know what my faults are. I have become too needy and clingy to her. Then there's the matter of the term project. For further information, she's serious about the program, and really wants to get something out of it. She's a Greek, and she's told me that she would not be able to return to her country in the nearby time to find a job. Although serious, she still likes to party from time to time, but she can limit and control herself.

    What I wanted to ask you guys is that, what I should do and what I should have done.

    In my mind, I think I'm gonna hold as long as I can. I'm gonna show to her that I'm not needy anymore. How? By acting cool and calm when I meet her.

    But then, I also want to help her going through the exam. There's one course that has a 50% failure rate. I have to admit that I excel at that one, while she may not be in a good position.

    If the time is right, maybe after she's returned from home, I will offer my help. Then, I will help her as I can and get through the exam together. After that, it will be another NC unless she calls to me first. What do you think?

    Also, about her saying that she doesn't feel this way to me that day, well, we all know the saying that you can't trust what a girl said. I've said to her that it was my first time dating someone. I'm really hoping that she understands that, and that by that, she didn't mean to not feel anything at all towards me.

    I mean, she has opened herself to me when we were going out. So, I'm hoping here that this is something repairable, and that the relationship can continue sometime in the future.

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    Hi, Styx, and I'm sorry this is such a late response.

    I am going to be blunt, but it's only because I don't feel like I'd be doing you any good if I decided to sugarcoat my response.

    I'm not sure I can even see this as a "short term relationship." I see this as a one-sided relationship that she was not interested in joining. Here are the reasons why:

    1. You ask her to be your girlfriend after what you perceive to be your third "date," and she turns you down, saying that she'd rather get to know you better. To me, this means that you moved too fast for her liking, and it scared her off a bit.
    2. You kiss her, and she's clearly uncomfortable with it. Again, this says to me that she is not in this relationship this you. She seems to be wanting to spend time with people in her program and make friends. I did the same thing in graduate school, even with men. The more people you know in your graduate program, the more likely you are to form a group in which to bounce ideas off one another. Graduate school can be a lonely time, especially when you're far from home (like I was). You want to enjoy the company of like-minded people as much as you can.
    3. She expressly told you she didn't feel about you the way that you feel about her. She attemped to distance herself from you, even though you continued to ty to contact her. This tells me that she's not trying to stroke her ego or lead you on - she's tried to let you down lightly. She hasn't exactly been ambiguous about her feelings for you.

    Yes, you most likely came across as too needy and clingy to her. Honestly, the more needy and clingy you are, the more you push someone away.

    Your question to us is what you should do and what should you have done in the first place.

    What you should have done doesn't matter anymore - what's done is done, and you can't make up for it by being on your "best behavior."

    What you should do? That's something I don't like telling people to do, because it's up to them. If you think hanging on to a woman who has made it absolutely clear that she's not interested in dating you will help you, then do it. However, I do advise you not to be surprised if you don't get the results you want. If you think you can woo her by helping her through a difficult class, then go for it. But again, Be prepared for a "thanks for your help" and nothing more.

    Also, about her saying that she doesn't feel this way to me that day, well, we all know the saying that you can't trust what a girl said.
    This disturbs me. Does this mean that when a woman says, "No," she actually means "Yes"? Does this mean that when she says, "Please leave me alone," she really means, "Please follow me around, show up on my doorstep, text me constantly, and continue to inflict your needy presence upon me"? Does this idea give you an excuse to continue badgering a girl who, in my opinion, has made it clear multiple times that she's just not interested in you? Does this mean you have every right NOT to respect her wishes, her feelings, or her opinions? Does this mean that what you want is the only thing that matters here? Forgive me, but that is straight-up misogyny that won't win ANY woman's heart. Do not EVER assume you know a woman's mind better than she knows her own - in this day and age, you will insult the heck out of her.

    Just because you want someone, it doesn't mean that they're obligated to want you back. Just because a woman confides in you, it doesn't mean she wants to date you - it may just mean she likes you as a person with no romantic undertones (yes, this is possible - it's called camaraderie). She may understand and appreciate that you've never dated anyone before, but how do you expect her "not to mean to not feel anything at all towards" you? It sounds like you're relying on the pity factor here. Do you really want a woman who only dates you because she pities you?

    I don't mean to be hurtful when I tell you this, but I feel I have to be honest, having been a woman in the same position this girl is in right now, and having been a moderator on this site for a long time. You seem to be taking any positive interaction you have with this woman and using it as a way to give you hope that there is a spark still there. Even if you're trying your best not to come across as needy, this is needy behavior. Having experienced a guy who was similar to you, I have to say that all those offers to be helpful and simply care about my success are things that any woman of some intelligence can see right through - you have an agenda, and she knows it. You're playing "the nice guy" in hopes that she'll fall for you, but most women can see that the nice guy act is just that - an act. An act you use to make her feel "obligated" to give you what you want.

    Play it cool if you want, offer to help her through her courses if you think that'll manipulate her into falling for you. But also prepare yourself for the possibility that she doesn't give you what you want.
    Last edited by OhManINeedCoffee; 01-15-2013 at 07:57 AM.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Hi OhManINeedCoffee, thanks for responding. I'm sorry for offending you and every woman by saying that you can't trust what a girl says. You're right. I was in the state of denial at the time I posted this. Now, I've let her go. I haven't been in contact with her since.

    Before this happened, when I helped her, I also helped everyone with the difficult homework. I just like studying together with not just her, but especially with her. It just happens, that I'm better than most in that one difficult course, and everyone seems to rely on me. But I won't deny, that in some subconscious way, I used this as a chance to get closer to her.

    I've realized now that I deserve all she did to me. Now, I have to man up for seeing her not being herself anymore when she sees me. My only regret through all these is that I've lost a friend when I should've made one.

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