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I wouldn't say this forum is full of bitter and defeatist people, but we are, in general very realistic in that we're aware that it takes TWO people to resolve a relationship - not one. You are clearly in favor of doing what it takes to mend your relationship and restore your marriage. I do not get the impression that your wife feels the same way, and if she doesn't feel the same way, then you've got a tough road ahead of you. I am not trying to be "bitter and defeatist" when I say that if you're the only one trying to restore your marriage, then you are not likely to get the results you want. I only say that because, in my experience, if someone has made up their mind that they want something else, then they've made up their mind. If she's given any indication that she's interested in putting your marriage back together, then I would recommend couples therapy; however, from what you've shared, she hasn't shown much interest in that at all. Forcing her into it will only build up even more resentment.
Whatever issues she's dealing with in terms of pent-up resentment are hers to deal with, and she's the only one that can deal with them. If she's been pushed to the limit in terms of caring for children and a husband, putting everyone's needs ahead of her own, etc., then she has to figure out what she wants to do about it. If she's in any way felt abused or taken for granted, she has to tell herself what to do. It sounds to me as though she hit some sort of breaking point, but I do not know her. Regardless of whether or not I agree with her actions (it's not my place to make any judgments), she's clearly focusing 100% on herself right now.
While Slick is very blunt by nature (some members appreciate this, others don't), I think he makes some important points here. Where exactly is your limit? When do you finally say, "Enough - I don't have to put up with being hurt by you anymore. If you want to remain angry and resentful with me, then do it on your own time."? When do you decide that you can't wait for her forever, and when do you make that a reality to her?
If you don't mind, I do have several questions just so I can get a better picture here:
Why do you want her to come back? I am not cynical, but "because I love her" is not an acceptable response - it's a throwaway, generalizing response that means nothing unless there's substance behind it - give me the substance, not the blanket statement.
Has she given any indication that she desires to restore your marriage?
What have her actions told you this far?
"Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card