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Thread: I need to get my wife back

  1. #1
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    Default I need to get my wife back

    My wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years. She is trying hard to get a divorce from me before our 10th anniversary (or so she says). About 4 months ago she found herself another man and now she says she is in love with him and that she wants a divorce so that she can go with him. She also told me that she met another man in the summer of 2012, fell in love but broke up the relationship when her mother told her to think of her children first, but that this time she will not do that. We have 2 adorable girls aged 9 and 4. She says that last year she set about looking for someone to love and be loved by as she was not getting this from me.

    I only found out about the other man after the new year when I finally made her confess that she spent the celebrations with him and not with some friends as she claimed. Even though I suspected this was going on, I broke down and did all the things you do in the spur of the moment like telling her I loved her madly, begging her not to leave the children and I, etc. She was very cruel telling me that she did not love me, that she was the luckiest woman in the world to have met him, that she wanted to have his babies and that she was prepared to leave her children for him. She has kept repeating these things, she says specifically to hurt my feelings, every time we have talked about it, probably so as to put me off her.

    Now, the reason she is being cruel is that she is carrying a lot of resentment about things that I did -or did not do- during our time together. As it happens to people in this state, she denies she ever loved me, that she was ever happy, that our children were born out of love, etc. The reality is we had a first year full of bliss, when we loved each other and when we had a lot of fun together. I invested a lot of time, effort and money bringing her to the UK: trips to her country, legal fees, visa applications, plus English language and other training courses. This continued during all the time I supported her before she was even able to ask for her first job. All this was intended to get her going in her life in the UK. I was investing in her future but I also did the other things like taking he our in town, a nice honeymoon holiday, etc.

    My wife keeps rubbing on my face the money this man is spending on courting her: buying her jewellery, dinners in posh restaurants and buying tickets for a romantic trip they are going to make for Saint Valentine's in Paris. I have told her that, in the past 10 years, I invested in her future for herself (in the hope that she would want to share it with me) but that this man is investing in courting her so that he can have her for himself. He is not rich but he does not have any need to spend money on essential things like clothes for the children, a wife, etc. All his money is disposable income. He is divorced and his marriage did not even last enough for him to have children; I have challenged my wife with this. Of course a man is going to go out of his way to do these things when courting a woman. I did my courting in my own way: spending a lot of money on English lessons is not as romantic as a piece of jewellery but in the long term it was more useful to her than a necklace.

    It is true that I have done all those things that men who find themselves in my situation do: I forgot about romance, buying her presents, taking her out, buying her flowers, etc. I thought that working 24/7 for her and the children was a good enough expression of my love for her. In fact, she hated me sitting in front of the computer all day long. I also made all the mistakes of men who do not help with the children and the housework as I thought that working hard to make money for my family was enough. We had serious financial problems during the recession and that added petrol to the fire. My wife was incredibly patient and helpful when I had a lot of trouble with money, but we forgot about love and concentrated on the money problems and the arguments about them. These problems and rows have made and indelible mark on our relationship.

    My wife has always been understanding of the fact that I am not rich but she suddenly turned into this Cinderella who is infatuated a by a blue prince who has come to rescue her from me and who showers her with expensive things. Even though I forgot how to do these things I still do not understand how she suddenly started acting like a teenage girl (she is 32, I am older) and how she could fall in love like this twice in half a year when I only ever fell in love once every 15 years or so. I am pretty sure she had not even flirted with men in the first 9 years of our marriage. I cannot seem to convince her that she is just besotted by this man's attention but she says she fears that this is the last time she will find 'true love' while she is still young and beautiful. Of course I have been telling her (only recently) that I adore her but it falls on deaf ears.

    In our case there are 2 circumstances that make a difference from other couple's problems. One, is I did a lot of pretty idiotic things that upset her. I do not get drunk, take drugs, cheat, squander our money, etc but I have a very bad temper, and during our rows I was very aggressive and rude, calling her names and insulting her. Fortunately, she is a strong woman and she was perfectly able to defend herself and she gave as good as she took. So I never thought I was abusing her but many of my actions were deplorable too: I once did not celebrate her birthday and other things like this. The second one is she seems to think that her children are in the way of her happiness too. She initially told me she would leave us all to go with this man and start a new life, with a new family, but I opened her eyes as to the pain she would cause to her children so now she says she will take one of them (like Sophie's choice). She does not get on well with my elder daughter so she has chosen the 4 year old. My panic is having the girls separated and having my children being from a broken family which I refuse to accept. I am extremely old-fashioned when it comes to the family unit and I believe that families should stick together through thick and thin except where there is violence, alcoholism, etc.

    My wife is a good woman, at bottom, but she has done a number of reckless things, this one being the worst one. She could not even give me a warning, she just lied and went and did it. Early in 2012 she went berserk a few times going around the house breaking things (even crafts made by the children) just to hurt me. I asked her to go to therapy but she accused me of telling her that she was crazy. I once had to restrain her, physically, when she was destroying things, and now she considers it an act of violence against her that she carries in her baggage of resentment against me. I also suspect she may have a hormonal imbalance but she claims she has checked with the doctor and that it is not true. She is a Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde: we could be having a calm and friendly conversation and then suddenly her resentment comes to the surface, she exploded and pours out all this venom to hurt my feelings in retaliation for things past. When she explodes like this is when she lists the things she resents most about what I did - some are vastly exaggerated or distorted for her to justify her present actions, but many are true as she tells them. She tells me it is my turn to suffer.

    At the beginning of 2012, we had several very bad fights, in front of the children, and I worried primarily about the effect this was having on the girls so I booked marriage counselling sessions and we went to them for a few months. They worked, the fights stopped but we missed one or two appointments and we stopped going. I worried that we did not deal with all of the other problems and my fears were right so I am in this situation now. The weirdest thing is that she embarked on her task to find another man during the second half of 2012 which was a relatively calm period for us. I thought we were moving slowly to recovery, although there was still no love back.

    At Christmas time, and before she confessed about the other man, I sat her on the sofa, I kneeled, I held her by the hand and apologised profusely for having been so idiotic and for having treated her with such lack of respect and consideration, in my blindness, during the last 9 years. She briefly acknowledged that she had done bad things but did not confess to the present affair. It was mostly about the bad things I did. I told her that I was going to be that nice man she met 10 years ago, again, and that I was well aware I could lose her at any time. She said nothing. After the drama following her confession, I asked her if she did not believe I was being sincere when I sat her on the sofa, she said yes but that it was too late. My frustration is that, in 10 years of marriage, my wife never ever told me to sit with her, on the sofa, so that she could tell me what she wanted, that she was unhappy, etc. As it usually happens with wives, she just bottled it up until disaster came for me.

    My main problem is that it took me decades to find her, that I realise I love her madly and that I desperately need her to bring up our daughters together. The other big problem is that she is going far in the relationship with the other man, they are making all their plans for the future, he has introduced her to his friends and family and my wife is travelling to her country, with him, to introduce him to her parents. She has told her friends what she is doing. She says she is staying in our house, until the summer, then she will leave. I do not know when she intends to start the divorce. She talks to him all time, on the phone and she sees him during the week-end. We are separated, living in the same house, and doing many things together, in relation to our normal life and the girls. She says she is only staying for the sake of the girls. She is looking for a job, to work for 6 months, then she will go to him where he lives in another county. The reason I put up with her relationship with this man, while she is still married to me, is that I consider it as punishment for the way I treated her and because I am trying to get her back. I am desperately hoping she comes to her senses, that she sticks to her family and that she forgives me before she gets the divorce and walks away. I am banking on the good woman side of her rather than her selfish side. She has already broken up a relationship like this before, so why can she not do it again? Rather optimistically, I am hoping that all the incredible excitement of a new relationship will die out, among them, after a number of months.

    I work for myself, at home, and because of my depression I lost a contract for a month. However, this has given me time to go out of my way to prove myself and I am doing a lot of house work and things for the children, which I did not use to do. I am also putting a lot of effort in helping her find a job (her future rather than flowers again). I look after the children when she goes out to job interviews and when she goes to see this man!

    I am completely puzzled by the fact that, just before Christmas, we sat and made all kinds of plans for the future. She was very sweet and looked happy. My side of the plans was mostly helping her with the things she wanted to do: find a job, learn to drive, get further training etc. (my money and time on her future, not jewels again!) Then she went to spend the new years celebration with him and everything changed, he seems to have cast a spell on her. She then decided to go ahead with her plans to leave me and go to him. She even denied the conversation we had about our plans for the future. Very strange and disappointing for me. She has briefly acknowledged my initial efforts to get her going in the UK. She mentioned

  2. #2
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    Hello fredmila and welcome here.
    I don't believe you'll get a lot of feedback on your story here mainly because of your last paragraph...what exactly are you hoping to find? magic words to whisper to a deaf ear? magic potion to put in her food to make her love you again? There's no such thing and i would suggest staying away from throwing cash at any books or dvds marketed as being the ultimate solution.

    If you want my 2 cents on it here it goes: you are doomed to fail ...yes it's as simple as that. You fail to see the forest because of the trees and mistake one act for a habit - it's two strikes already and even if this isn't the killer blow and she cools down after getting bored with this guy or he runs out of money, what do you think will happen next? suddenly realize what a great guy you are? if that was the case, she'd be putting a stop to it now, not waiting for boredom to install, return to a safe heaven and be on the lookout again.

    All things must have a limit as unlimited power leads to unlimited abuse....where's your limit in trying to save this marriage, cause i can easily point to the unlimited abuses any normal person could see: she went from cheating behind your back to cheating in plain sight while you did what? went from standing your ground to giving it all up? The beggars don't get to choose and the hungry don't get fed. You've willfully disposed yourself of any kind of self-respect hoping for a pity reaction and now sit idle waiting for an action from another person, granting her the full power over the outcome. Why should she choose you over anybody else when you're already at her full disposal all the time, there's no danger of loosing you, have no value in her eyes and even worse, work hard so her free life goes easier? How is this sitting idle healthy in any way for you? You've done everything humanly possible to keep this marriage going and you are here, taking care of the family while she lives the carefree life...where is your limit? and don't say "when she'll eventually leave, i'd get on with my life" because that sure as hell ain't no decision of yours but again, just you living the consequences of her selfish actions.
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

  3. #3
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    Slick,

    Your photo, user name and your motto say it all. You may well be right that I will lose but I will be really embittered if I lose my wife without trying my best to resolve the situation and win her back. You seem to have a pre-written answer such as when you assume that I am going to go around buying all kinds of books and maybe even paying to have spells cast on my wife.
    There are a lot of bitter and defeatist people in this kind of forum.

  4. #4
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    You know, i'm not going to start a pi**ing contest with somebody who glanced over my photo (got a full album, you sure you've seen them all?), read my nickname, fast forwarded through my post and picked on an old saying ... it's childish, i mean, "Hooray!!! Good for you! You've won! The bad bad internet man feels ashamed of himself". Now look around, you're in the same exact situation you were before writing your post.

    It's amazing how eager you are to mistake "advice" for "insult" and friend, why do you bother sharing your story on a public forum if you're only willing to take into consideration the answers you want to hear? I thank you for your story and in the end, you're the one choosing the course of action regarding your marriage. Defeatist? it takes 2 to live a happy relationship and also it takes 2 to revive a dead one. I see you fighting, i don't see her doing the same thing and no, the fact that you convinced yourself that you "deserve this" doesn't justify you doing her part of the effort. Ever heard of the "my best" trap? once you're in it, you'll rarely get out by yourself, usually there's some bloody and hurtful kick by the other person as you loose track with reality constantly figuring new ways to "outdo" your efforts....now it's "your best to save your marriage", next is "your best to win her back".

    I wish you the best and will refrain myself from posting here...it's not the attitude that's bothersome, it's talking to deaf ears.
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    I wouldn't say this forum is full of bitter and defeatist people, but we are, in general very realistic in that we're aware that it takes TWO people to resolve a relationship - not one. You are clearly in favor of doing what it takes to mend your relationship and restore your marriage. I do not get the impression that your wife feels the same way, and if she doesn't feel the same way, then you've got a tough road ahead of you. I am not trying to be "bitter and defeatist" when I say that if you're the only one trying to restore your marriage, then you are not likely to get the results you want. I only say that because, in my experience, if someone has made up their mind that they want something else, then they've made up their mind. If she's given any indication that she's interested in putting your marriage back together, then I would recommend couples therapy; however, from what you've shared, she hasn't shown much interest in that at all. Forcing her into it will only build up even more resentment.

    Whatever issues she's dealing with in terms of pent-up resentment are hers to deal with, and she's the only one that can deal with them. If she's been pushed to the limit in terms of caring for children and a husband, putting everyone's needs ahead of her own, etc., then she has to figure out what she wants to do about it. If she's in any way felt abused or taken for granted, she has to tell herself what to do. It sounds to me as though she hit some sort of breaking point, but I do not know her. Regardless of whether or not I agree with her actions (it's not my place to make any judgments), she's clearly focusing 100% on herself right now.

    While Slick is very blunt by nature (some members appreciate this, others don't), I think he makes some important points here. Where exactly is your limit? When do you finally say, "Enough - I don't have to put up with being hurt by you anymore. If you want to remain angry and resentful with me, then do it on your own time."? When do you decide that you can't wait for her forever, and when do you make that a reality to her?

    If you don't mind, I do have several questions just so I can get a better picture here:

    Why do you want her to come back? I am not cynical, but "because I love her" is not an acceptable response - it's a throwaway, generalizing response that means nothing unless there's substance behind it - give me the substance, not the blanket statement.

    Has she given any indication that she desires to restore your marriage?

    What have her actions told you this far?
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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