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Thread: An open letter, please help me get peace of mind

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    Default An open letter, please help me get peace of mind

    Dear all,

    I've been a lurker on these boards for a while now, and have to say reading your advise on break ups here was the only thing that worked in helping me get over this break up. I found a post on "is your ex thinking about you" searching the obvious on google, after a horrendous evening crying my heart out, and took it as a sign. So the first part of the message is a thank you, a million miles away from where you are you have made a huge positive impact on my life. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

    I was also wondering if you could dispense some of your fabulous advise here as well. I'm sure the forums are chocked full of messages like this, and I cant imagine you have time to read and reply to all of them, but even a few words of guidance would be really appreciated.

    I broke up with my ex nearly five months ago now. He was my first boyfriend, first relationship really, and I fell head over heals. He had just come out of a long term relationship, they split up about six months before i met him, and he said he had promised himself he would never get into another relationship again unless he really cared about the person. I found out later she had cheated on him and due to living arrangements continued for another year after the cheating took place. This lack of trust set the tone for the rest of our relationship in retrospect, but we did love each other.

    Fast forward six months, and I ended the relationship. After a great first few months, his laziness, moodiness, and drug addiction was a major problem for me, but the final cut was when I realised that in 6 months he had not taken me out on a single date. After the breakup, we promised to stay good friends and be there for each other, but he seemed to lose interest in that pretty quickly. Then I heard he was being nasty behind my back, to friends we shared, and when I tried to arrange to see him so we could discuss what was happening he avoided me. Other than that, when we did see each other at social functions, we would ignore each other.

    I don't know why I wrote all that backstory, maybe because there is noone else to tell all this to seeing as most of my friends, and all who know my ex are friends with him or live with him. its a sticky situation. But the crux of the issue now is that he has started to make it very awkward for me to see our mutual friends. Going to hs house is a no-go and the last time I saw him, at a gathering, he stormed out. Everyone says the reason was that I was there but noone will say why, other than he has been a bit moody lately. That same night, his best friend told me he still loved me. But he had a smile on his face as he said it and I'm not sure if he was joking or goading me.

    As far as the advise I have gathered on here would say about the matter, the fact that he hasn't called, or tried to fix things even as friends between us, and has as far as i can tell be having a great time being out of the relationship and partying all the time without me nagging, means that he is pretty much over me. But that comment niggles in my ear. I still love him, but I know we cant be together, not after how he has treated me after the breakup.

    Our mutual friends have urged me to call him, and are upset that he makes it awkward for me to join in socialising with them. But I have tried so hard to fix things in the past, when he has thrown it back in my face. I feel like its his turn to make an effort, if its me he's upset over. Or maybe he's just having a hard time and seeing his ex he doesnt care about irks him.

    Its been the worst experience of my life having the boy I love, my first love, categorically break every promise he ever made me, and treat me like ****. I cant work out what his problem with having me around is, seeing as we have coped being in the same place in the past. They said he locked himself in his room for days after he stormed out that last time. He doesn't love me. But does he hate me that much?

    If you manage to get through all this, and share a few words of guidance, I think i'll make it through this hurdle too

    S x

  2. #2

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    My advice is to take things the way they are and don't try to find hidden meanings or messages. "Go with what you know" a wise man once said and i'll add a "and not with what you're told" at the end of it. Friends can be tricky business and i see you miss their company, but as in any social relationship it takes two to make it happen. I don't really believe you ex is a Hugh Heffner type of guy, filthy rich, and all your mutual friends don't have where to live or meet you except his turf, so this begs the question: why instead of socialising with you as "just you" and value you as a individual person, they choose to apply pressure? looks to me that "you in a relationship with him" is like a requirement for you in order for them to welcome you into their circle. As far as the ex goes, he's a big boy, go with what you know, he has a mouth and a brain in his skull. I have a feeling you're past the age of playing teenage hide an seek games. If he's serious, he'll come around knocking.

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