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Thread: Pretty sure I will Need Support in Near Future

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    Default I can't stand her best friend

    Hi everyone,
    I'm new here I need some advice about how to handle a situation in my relationship. I've been with my gf for almost 2 years. We live together (moved in together after a year) and have even talked about marriage. The one big problem that seems to keep coming up between us has to do with one of her friends. I've been in a couple of other long-term relationships and never had a problem with my partners' friends so this is a first for me. We are all over 40 years old (my gf, me and her friend). When I first met her, I got this gut-feeling that she was no good, someone I couldn't trust and someone whose values just didn't mesh with my own. To sum up the friend, she is a cheater who can never be faithful to a gf (and lies to the gf's about it), she has a drinking problem, and both of her kids moved in with their dad because they prefer his living situation and not hers. She used to have big parties with lots of drinking and thought nothing of having a woman spend the night with her kids there (and I'm talking different women all the time). One of her sons didn't talk to her for months after he moved out. She always expects everyone to be there for her and do things for her--she's a real taker but never seems to give back. She is passive aggressive and won't confront any problems in her life. She also can't seem to hold down a job for long. She's a great hairdresser and could make a good living if she applied herself and didn't drink every night and wake up late everyday.

    I have no idea why my gf stays friends with this woman. I obviously can't stand her and my gf knows that. She's just not the kind of person I would choose to spend time with or cultivate a friendship with and I really don't know why they are still friends. My gf likes and has friends who are much more mature. When I ask her she says that they have been friends for many years and she doesn't want to lose such a long-lasting friendship. However, this friend recently moved to a nearby city and never contacts my gf but my gf keeps trying to keep the friendship going by being the one to reach out. We have a roommate who is good friends with this woman also and occasionally she shows up at our home which I hate.

    My gf says this woman will always be in her life. However, when I can't stand someone and they make me uncomfortable because they obviously don't like me either, don't I have the right to be comfortable in my own home and not have this person around, especially without notice? I have no problem with my gf hanging out with this woman elsewhere and keeping a friendship with her, even though I don't get it, but I don't want to be involved in it. Is that fair? If the tables were turned, I would not ask my gf to hang out with someone she really couldn't stand. One part of me feels petty for not just sucking it up and pretending to be civil if she's around. But another part of me says why should I have to do that when if she was anyone else I would choose not to have her in my life? How far do I go to make my gf happy?

    Thanks for your advice

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    Hello, and welcome.

    I can see both sides of this situation: on the one hand, why feel forced to hang out with a toxic person who makes you want to gouge your own eyes out? On the other hand, your girlfriend and your roommate still have the right to invite their friends to stay in their home as well.

    You acknowledge that your girlfriend's friendship with this woman is important to her, so I don't get the impression that you want her to choose between the two of you. Since you clearly want to respect your girlfriend's wishes even though you still want to feel comfortable in the home you two share, this sounds like a situation that needs some compromise between the two of you. Since this woman is your girlfriend's friend and not yours, then I don't see why you particularly need to be involved in that friendship. At the same time, it sounds like this woman is going to visit from time to time, and will probably stay in your home when she does, and perhaps it would be good to talk to your girlfriend (and your roommate) about setting up some boundaries.

    While I get why your girlfriend wouldn't want to sever a long friendship, what exactly does she feel about her friend's behavior? Surely she's noticed the toxic behavior, and surely it affects her. It sounds as though she's being used, and I have to think that she knows that. Does she have her own boundaries with this friend?

    Hope this is helpful.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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