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Thread: Broken up and is still coming to see me once a week

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    Default Broken up and is still coming to see me once a week

    Hi all first post , first major committed relationship

    Hi my names Ashley , male , 27 , disabled diabetic blind in one eye
    And poorly

    It started near Christmas when I lost my license
    My ex mrs Rachel who is 19 took all the crap I have her
    She became classed as my carer and I turned very very lazy
    I couldn't cook and didn't want to clean
    I turn nasty at times and disrespected her soo much yet I loved her and was and still is my entire world
    She had left me 3 times before this and I didn't see the signs
    I would have major anger issues
    2 week before we broke up I started anger management and I still go now
    We were engaged too
    She still wore her ring 6 days after we split and I had mine on for around 2 weeks after we split
    She said she was frightened of me and could never be in a relationship with me and I was too controlling
    The afternoon we split was the time I tried ending it all , I was sick a fair few time , shaking and soo upset
    She said she still wants to be friends and comes round once a week to see me
    Since she left 3 week ago , I've changed my life around
    I can cook a meal , cleaned top to bottom and generally a hell of a lot better person
    I'm eating better and taking a lot more care of myself
    My attitude has changed and feel a lot happier person
    People have noticed and mentioned I look well and have a more glowing personality to myself
    I feel very self sufficient

    Sorry it's ll over the place , I just need to get it out

    How do I get her back ?
    I can't imagine life without her

    She came round the other day so I could look at her sisters car and before she went she asked for a hug so that confused me again
    I enjoy seeing her but want her back so I asked her the other day for another chance but she went mad and mentioned that she has told me this several times

    I found out a couple of days ago that I will need more surgery on my only remaining eye that has sight
    I don't want to tell her as I'm frightened of her caring and me getting the wrong Idea

    Can anyone help me ?
    I feel soo fragile with these 2 blows
    Sorry to sound soo pathetic

    Kind regards
    Ashley

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    Dear Ashley,

    She clearly cares about you. You need to focus on yourself. She still seems to be your friend and trying to support you. Don't read anything into that, however people's feelings rarely change overnight.

    IMHO you need not to push her. Don't withhold knowledge of the surgery from her, she will feel not trusted. Let her know you are going to work on yourself and your anger issues. When you have yourself under control you will be able to have a relationship, until then you are not in a fit state to ask someone else to be involved with you. There are reasons behind your actions, you need to understand the root cause of your anger and control issues, you need to deal with those and take measures to change your reaction to situations, so you can be calm and relaxed, which will mean she will have no cause to be afraid of you.

    Then and only then can you look at asking her for a second chance. To be fair she may stay supportive and be a good carer and friend in this period. So she will notice what you have done anyway.

    I'm not religious but this resonates with me from the Bible: Corinthians 13:4 to 13:7 "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

    Good luck,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Thank you for your kind words , I'm just finding it difficult
    I will be seeing her on Wednesday so tomorro
    I find it hard not getting upset if you know what I mean

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    Ashley,

    How did things go today?
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    She was a bit angry when she came to the house , we spoke about money and ten things went well
    I cooked my first ever spaghetti bolignaise and she enjoyed
    It made a real effort with candle lot table
    She spoke about when I meet someone she will give me space and I said I'd still like to see her but I didn't want to move on so I asked her about me leaving her be when she finds someone and she also replied she didn't want to move on ....
    I didn't question anymore on the subject and we then had fun carving a pumpkin together

    She's going out round town with her friends tonight so I'm really on edge ect if you know what I mean

    I don't know what to do next
    I'm seeing her Saturday to watch a love show

    I'm soo confused but don't want to push anything too soon or too much

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    Ashley dear,

    Please relax, you are really stressing too much... Good things come to those who wait. Honestly it is clear you both have feelings and want this to work out eventually.
    Just enjoy your time together and don't make her feel uncomfortable about her night out.

    Be happy and have fun together, let everything else come as it may.

    Good Luck,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    I'm trying and thank you for your kind words

    She still cares and looks after me when she sees me but I know she only sees it as friends

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    So this is to all the ladies on here , what one thing that , in your experience could I do to make her see that I've changed ?

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    Dear Ashley,

    That is very sweet, but you can't make someone see something. Either she will recognise it or not. IMHO it needs to be a realisation of her own. Your best bet is to focus on yourself. Keep going on your self improvement, set some goals and try to achieve them, be positive in your life, IME it will bring good things to you.

    Do it for yourself.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Thank you all for your help
    Unfortunately it's gone wrong

    she text me last minute on Thursday and cancelled our weekly meet up
    On Friday we had to sort our money out and she turned very nasty and said she didn't see the point in seeing me any more not even as friends
    Saturday it was my dad's birthday and she felt she had to be there which was a little awkward but I kept calm and was pleasent with her
    I spoke to her before she left saying she's welcome to collect a few bits she had left anytime and she blew up at me , called me a lot of nasty names
    I felt absolutely rubbish
    After she left , I text her saying sorry I had upset her and she said sorry to and that she wanted it all to be as easy as possible

    I feel this is the end as much as I don't want it to be

    Friends have said they have a feeling she will want to sort it out around Christmas Day because that's the day we got engaged

    I don't thinking will happen

    I want to get her something for Christmas but I don't think that's a good thing

    Gosh feel a right mess again

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    Hi Ashley,

    I feel for you, it is difficult. However the best advice I feel I can give you right now is to focus on you and what you are trying to do. Your improvement of yourself will give you self confidence and make you happier with yourself. If you obsess about her and her reactions, or not, it will simply detract from what you are doing. Truly in my experience the more you chase after someone the faster they run. Let her come back to you, let her see how much better you are doing. Be understanding about her reasons and don't push.

    I'll tell you this much, everywhere you go on this site, you will see No Contact. If someone really wants to break up, they should implement, no contact, otherwise they could easily get sucked back into the relationship. Hanging out with someone you used to be with and having fun with them, is intoxicating like a drug. They will want the "good times" back and that is their downfall. So if I am honest, I think she hasn't made a clean break in her head, otherwise why keep coming round?

    Keep your chin up, keep your focus on you and your improvements, if she is abrupt, forgive her, if she says sorry, you say you fully understand that her feelings have been hurt in the past and that she has no reason to trust that you won't do it again, so you can't hold her reactions against her. IMHO if you can be patient and kind and put her first, even when she's being irrational or unreasonable in her behaviour; then you win. Even if you never get back together, you've learnt how to put a woman first and that will mean you'll get a woman you deserve, who will love you the way you need.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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