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Thread: I dont understand....

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    Unhappy I dont understand....

    Hi all, firstly apologies for my last post which, seemed to get oddly resolved just as I had typed it.....

    Where do i begin, im going mad, and its been a 2 month. I met someone 2 month ago, we instantly hit it off, made sure we would be working certain events the same time as each other and eventually we started seeing each other, that just over a month ago became a relationship as we were going quite fast things were progressing, i guess as they normally do for me.. i must stress we are no way near the i love you stage or love.. i am not anyway, ive put feelers out to see if i could love this girl, initially i thought yes.

    I can imagine i am an intense person sometimes, but its important that i make sure its clear that up until 1 week ago tomorrow, she was "excited about this year, our year, us, going places" .etc and it was pretty great, i had a pretty painful break up over a year ago and decided to remain single until i was a little better being alone (not sure how thats worked yet), anyway she was pretty much the same, had a 3 year thing end just under a year ago, although spent a while seeing a guy she says she never intended on being with - when asked if this is similar of course she said not at all, not remotely.

    so a week ago, i could sense some irritation and im fully aware she is contact with her ex, who she saw over the xmas period and said they had ran out of things to say to each other, and she was glad she had met me. but then new years eve she drops a bombshell, first its not over ex, doesnt want to be with him at all but he has told her he is suicidal and she feels guilty, then says she should have spent more time alone, still likes me a lot and would like me in a months time, then she says convinced i should add, not to make me feel better because it doesnt right now, that she wants to stay with me, she likes me a lot, and she cares about me and thinks feelings will develop. BUT we have to slow things down, now I had no idea actually what that meant because I wasnt sure we could control how things just went... we only saw each other 3 times most a week, once 4 and i guess we had got to the in bed fooling around / being romantically affectionate all day stage quite quick. she told me shes scared, of hurting me, and of getting hurt. understandable.

    I told her i could not be picked up and put down like a toy but i really liked her and would love to continue with something that had been great for a month. and i offered my support saying i was there to talk to and had experience with ex's and depression. she did mention she hates herself and doesnt understand why i like her. this whole thing made me feel like crap and i am worried about her and i am worried where this is going.

    she has the previous guy practically stalking her, hes a mess because he fell in love after two week and she just never saw that happening with him. again told this is different only going with what ive been told. so we leave it, she wants to be with me she kisses me she goes, next day she texts, she says we are ok definetly ok as long as i am. i was... i then started thinking... i told her that i am ok and i want to be with her and its important she tells me where i stand and what slowing down actually means to her and she didnt respond great.. she said she was tired she wasnt expecting this talk, she didnt know what to say, or what i wanted to hear she thought it was all sorted the night before and that i was being worryingly intense and she went into this more light heartedly than i did (not a clue, but my first reaction was bullsh*t). so again, went to bed feeling pretty ****, sent her an email apologising for my reaction to all this and i would give her some space to work out what she wants, and i needed space to work out what i wanted.

    she replied and it wasnt bad, she said she really likes me a lot, she was freaking out, she doesnt talk much about her feelings, she considered ending it because she was worried by how i had took it all, she was being silly, she doesnt want to give up on it. and she said she is intense too and excited and she isnt like that all the time sometimes she is cold and vague, and is worn out by feeling she needs to be this great girlfriend all the time. she wants this to continue but without any pressure. i responded said thank you for replying and being honest, i said no pressure just be honest when you need to be. then social media had its wicked crap ways with me and i read something i am sure i have misintrepted - her best mate on twitter saying she should go for normal guys like her - to which she didnt respond but the whole thing started with a quote related to her.. i dont know. i left it, didnt say anything. told her i couldnt see her yesterday, she came out her way to see me while i was at work and was nice, she made a bit of effort. that night, had a great laugh on skype (something we had been doing every day) talked til 1 am, today not much all day, havent read into it, just been busy, would rather her say ive got nothing to say instead of dragging out dull conversations. then go twitter again, stupid me, stupid social media, her friend quotes her as saying boys are boring concentrate on your career, and i probably didnt react great to that. i just said i had seen her twitter page and that was it, the conversation didnt last long. spoke tonight, been a pathetic conversation. told her i had work and might get sent home (an actual situation, not one ive had chance to even discuss with her) tomorrow and she said poor you sure you'll be fine and then good night. as if she did not give a toss.

    My question is do i end it? i dont want to, i dont know what to do, a week ago i was seeing someone excited and it was happy and we were doing stuff, now its rarely hot and mostly cold. i feel like im walking on egg shells incase im too intense or weird or whatever. i dont know. i like this girl a lot, its not love and i havent asked her to marry me, i just assumed and i made that clear i thought this was going to be a good relationship. a month in shes having these doubts and issues? i dont know, everyone is different but im driving myself mad and probably pushing her away. any advice or thoughts are welcomed. all my friends have said shes just scared and its natural and shes not ended it she just wants it to be a bit slower to see where it goes, my boss says her feelings might have intensified and thats scared her and she has tried to distance herself a little. i dont know but shes acting like shes lost interest in me. i dont want to lose this girl, ive doubted it from day one, doubted she was interested and everytime i have been wrong. everytime.

    i cant be any nicer to this person when actually its confused me a lot its been such a good month now i feel like i cant be excited as im waiting for it to just end as shes either not ready or not wanting it. or am i over thinking everything and going insane.

    my feelings are a bit hurt and perhaps i have to let it go and just get on with this thing, or end it and move on. i just feel like she has lost interest. i tried to strike up some emotion in her last night and probably made it worse, i just mentioned i appreciate she cares and theres no pressure attached to it its just appreciated and whatever and she didnt bite. quite sad of me, perhaps i should ask myself why am i so desperate for this to work. my first reply would be because it was working and as far as i know i had nothing to do with that changing.

    thanks, hope you all had good holidays x
    Nick

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    Dear Nick,

    I quote:

    "my feelings are a bit hurt and perhaps i have to let it go and just get on with this thing, or end it and move on. i just feel like she has lost interest. i tried to strike up some emotion in her last night and probably made it worse, i just mentioned i appreciate she cares and theres no pressure attached to it its just appreciated and whatever and she didnt bite. quite sad of me, perhaps i should ask myself why am i so desperate for this to work. my first reply would be because it was working and as far as i know i had nothing to do with that changing."

    I don't think you need any help dear. Read what you wrote. You feel she has lost interest. You feel you haven't changed/moved the goal posts, she has. You feel hurt.

    In my humble opinion you were quite clear on what you wanted. You aren't getting what you need out of this relationship and she appears utterly confused herself to boot!

    What do you think you should be doing? What is in your best interests? Don't look at the past or the possible future, look at now and tell me, what the heck is going on and what do you want to do?

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Hello Annita,

    Thanks for the reply, i appreciate it. although there has been significant movement i am still struggling. Since I wrote this, I have seen her in person, we had a chat, explained we both freaked out over things, her over how fast it was going, me over her freaking out and expecting her to walk away like a previous person. explained my anxieties and sometimes i do over think (sometimes haha), she was good with it, she listened and offered support and assured me that this would not be like previous things. We discussed her previous relationship, a sort of seeing thing with some guy for a few month, who she was never really into at all (her words) and she regretted it as she thinks she can be good friends with this guy. I think if she thinks that then go for it. - will go into it more soon. i was told to relax and not to worry.

    anyway after a nice wednesday, got home spoke on the internet, had a laugh, wanted to see me after work saturday. i slept so well, not much happened thursday, i recall speaking a little. anyway friday i called in to see her at work, brought her a magazine and sandwich. was nice, shes always nice in person. mentioned i could see her saturday if i was working still and she said she should probably see her friends if she can as she shouldnt spend too much time with me. i dont think that is unreasonable.

    then friday night, nothing, until late and its crap, its dull, she doesnt want to talk but is. saturday (yesterday) nothing, odd bits through the day, nothing at all, last night called her to tell her good news about some money i had won, and she seemed okay... reluctant to answer the question are you okay, which i ask straight after hello being a normal thing.. anyway she mentioned she wanted to watch a short film, and she had sent it me but i had not watched it yet but she mentioned the guy she was seeing before me said it was brilliant. now she has repeatedly told me, me and her are not like they were and she does not have interest other than on a friendly basis with this person. but it bothered me. it got to about 11 and had not heard anything, i said i watched the film it was really great thanks for sending it, ive got some stomach pains (i had) so i was going to try to sleep. hope you sleep well.etc and all i got back was a crappy good night mate. no care, no nothing.

    now im trying to look at this like a reasonable person, not much has actually happened since wednesday, i still have this sense of an impending end, my birthday is next week and shes told me she would like to come to stay over and see me on the day. i feel like after this she can walk away from me guilt free, i do not know where i have got this thought pattern from. i feel like she has no interest in me because we do not talk like we used to and we do not spend hours a night on skype. i feel like i am putting too much into this and getting little back.

    she has asked to slow it down, she wants to remain with me but take it slow and be under no pressure. i am over thinking everything, i am going mad. all i can think about is, weve had two months, a month being a relationship before all this two week hell began where we were excited, being soppy, going crazy doing things now its like gone. i dont know what this is, she talks to this richard guy and her ex regularly and i dont want to say stop it because i dont have the right nor do i want to be controlling, i just want a simple happy relationship, which i had two week ago. im confused, shes scared of it all. I used to be for a brief time the person this person thought of when she woke up, when she went to sleep, i am a romantic guy and i would like to give this a chance but i am not coping well.

    i need to back off from her i think and let her work some things out in her mind before she sees me this saturday (she is likely to cancel at this rate). If she is losing interest how do i stop this? i dont love her at all yet, i think i could in time, i want to be with her, shes smart, funny, beautiful, sexy and shes interesting, perhaps she thinks i am boring. Am i being immature? expecting a fully functional relationship after a month? when we both work a lot, we both have other things... it felt so right and so promising now... i do not know. but no matter how many times she tells me not to worry, i worry.

    do i confront her on this or do i just back off and give her some space.

    i find myself reminding myself that if this ends, it wasnt right for me and i did have some good laughs in the brief time its had. it will be okay.
    Nick
    Nick

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    Dear Nick,

    Again, I would say you said it yourself: "i need to back off from her i think and let her work some things out in her mind.." She's clearly dealing with some stuff. If you give her the space to work it out then she might be able to and then be with you or not either way. However if you keep pushing, she's likely to see you as a problem and that you are not listening as she's asked for space. I'd focus on yourself, try not to obsessively think of her or the relationship. Instead gain strength from all your own friends and hobbies and things you do and enjoy your free time.

    After a couple of weeks, after your birthday, I'd suggest you ask her for a deadline, where you can have a deciding chat about what you both want and that will allow you to go your separate ways if needed. After all if she ignores you or doesn't talk to you or won't set a time, it says a lot about what the answer already is.

    Relax & breathe, you will find your way, with or without her.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Tonight we broke up, a small argument became a big thing after a week of distance and we just had a big row tonight and then we sorted it and we spoke and she was scared about this weekend. about spending too much time with me so soon, she hadnt really missed the awkwardness the last 3 weeks have had, and she wasnt ready to be in a relationship but wanted to keep seeing me to see how it goes. i agreed at first but soon realised it would be best to leave her alone and let her resolve her issues and have some actual space.

    i do not know if i have made the right decision because i really liked this girl but she was honest and said should did not know what would happen, i know no one ever does but i cant wait around developing more feelings. i cant do it, ive been miserable for 2 week. i do really like her and have loved the fun we managed to have. she says she will get in touch with me when she feels better and i told her to, i have cut ties for now because i want to be alone so i can move on without distractions.

    i probably said too much or was too intense tonight but i couldnt help it. i am sad. i waited a year to get close to someone again and it was not meant to be right now, probably not ever.


    x
    Nick

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    Dear Nick,

    Come on, when it's the right time and thing, you will know. She clearly wasn't ready and was confused as heck, as to what she wanted. Take some time, focus on yourself, your own goals and your friends. Laugh, play and live your life. Look forward, because whatever is coming, is an adventure.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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