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Thread: Extreme pain again, and I feel like its my fault. I need help with this one

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    Default Extreme pain again, and I feel like its my fault. I need help with this one

    Hey everyone, I'm back again, and in another heart break. Funny thing is last relationship I become a wuss. This time I became too strong and forgot to show emotions. I was with this girl for 9 months, and we had a really good time together, but I always told her I wasnt ready for a relationship. We went on vacations, ran, swam, biked, played games, hung out together, everything. She was like my best friend that I also had sex with. We hung out almost every day. Every time she would say she was my girlfriend I pushed her away. I ask things like "no no, your getting to attached", or "you should go find a boyfriend you know". I just pushed her away, because I was afraid of commitment and I told her I wasnt ready for a relationship. This girl did everything for me, and I do mean everything. She was the best girlfriend I could ask for. But one day, everything changed. She was distant, and I called to ask what was wrong. She told me she just realized she wasted her time doing everything for me because I don't want to be in a relationship, and that she wants only friends. I told her that actually I considered her my girlfriend, I was just afraid of commitment, and had very strong feelings for her. She said she felt the same but at this point only wants friends. I went to bed and she stayed talking to my friend on an internet game we all used to play. He asked her if she still loved me and she admitted she did, but that I just treated her like she was replaceable and unimportant. She said she was shocked how I reacted because she was bracing herself for the pain of me to be relieved I finally didn't have to worry about the whole girlfriend thing and be like what ever cool lets do friends. I acted opposite of that.

    Its stupid because now I want to be with her with every cell my body. Now I see what she is worth and how I didn't treat her right at all. I should have accepted her as my offical girlfriend. I should not have pushed her away like that. Just like that, I'm over my commitment issues. But I fear I pushed her too far. I said we need to talk and we had dinner together that Saturday. I told her I wished she would have told me all of this before so we could fix it. She said " well let me blow your mind, I do still love you, but I just want to be your friend". We had a conversation after and I told her how it wouldn't work as friends, we have had too many times together and it would be painful. I stayed strong, almost cheerful and disconnected. When I told her this she began to cry. She didn't want to lose me as a friend, and the whole ride home I could tell she was holding in tears but I told her it was best of we didn't talk or see each other after this.

    The next day she wrote an emotional email saying if there was anything she could do to be my friend, and that we have to give each other back thiings we had for each other, such as my bike in the back of her truck. I replied coldly no and explained why we were done and left it at that. I deleted her off of everything and began what I know works best, No contact. I know this hurt her very much for me to cut her off. She said I finally gave you what you asked for, friendship, and now your taking that away from me?


    Then I realized.... I don't think no contact would work here... I was pushing her away the whole time, I think no contact would just confirm how she felt. So, the next day I went to meet her at the gym. She told me in the past that i never show emotions or show how I feel and she didnt realize how I really felt about her, so I finally did. I told her everything.. I told her how I really did love her, could see myself married to her if that all didnt happen, and I missed my best friend with every bone in my body. I told her I will miss dearly all the things we did on a daily basis, and I told her that this whole thing sucks, and told her that I didn't understand why she didn't give it a second chance. I finally told her how I felt. She told me she just couldn't do it and that she just wants to be my friend. I again told her it wouldn't work because of how I feel about her.....and that I don't want to lose her but I feel there is no other choice here given the circumstances.

    This was an emotional conversation for both sides, then she asked for a hug and we held each other for about 30 seconds crying. She held me tight, and I held her tight.. I even cried myself....we both held each other crying. I also asked if she was still attracted to me and she said yes, she still very attracted to me, and is very surprised that I came out and said all this because I never showed my emotions to her before or told her how I felt about her. But even after all the tears, claims of love, and attraction, she still only wants to be my friend. I told her I respect how she feels and I think the whole thing sucks. Maybe I really did push her too far.

    We ended it there. I thanked her for everything and wished her well, and that was it.

    I don't know where to go from here but I know that I really want this girl back. She was the definition of a wife, and im a stupid a hole for pushing her away like i did and treating her as replaceable and unimportant. Thats why before I went into no contact I HAD to tell her how I truly felt about her, for if I didn't she would really believe I never cared because thats how I acted. She thought telling me she only wanted to be friends is what I wanted. I love this woman. I kept my dignity though. I know the rules. No begging, no blaming her, no wuss stuff. This was the first and only day I opening my heart to tell her about how i really felt.


    So my question is, how do you get a girl back that you pushed away and that you denied when she kept trying to be your girlfriend for 9 months? I opened my heart to her in the end, and although we shared a tearful 30 second hug, in the end it didnt seem to change her mind. I wished her luck and talked away, we were both in tears. She said a mere 3 days ago that she does still love me, and she told me she does still find me very attractive ( i didnt ruin that with begging or anything), so i'm left unsure what to do at this point.

    Any help? I really want to know. Also we share mutual friends ( i introduced her to and now she is cool with all my friends, DAMN) so I may be forced to see her when my group of friends goes out. What should I do? I dont need to get myself back because I realize I screwed up bad here. I just want to make it right.

    Thanks everyone for reading.

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    Hi,

    So sad to see you back because of a loss. However we are here for you as always. Firstly know that we are thinking of you and wishing you well. Secondly you already know what you need to do.

    I know someone else on this forum who got hurt. I am of the view that they tried to make themselves strong and in doing so they failed to realise that intimacy needs vulnerability, you cannot hide your heart away and take no risks if you want to have a loving relationship. I am wondering if you think you might have done the same thing?

    The reason I say you know what you need to do is because you have started no contact.

    If she wants to be with you, she will reach out. If she doesn't, her fear or upset outweighs her courage and need to be with you. I suggest you give it time, let her miss you and your relationship. Know that she will not just magically get over you and that by letting her work out if she can handle a life without you, you are giving her a chance to come back on her own terms.

    Mostly and as usual, I suggest you focus on yourself and why you chose to behave as you did? What can you learn? What can you do about it?

    Hugs from afar,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Hi Cityboy,

    Like Tigger, I'm sorry to see you here for these reasons. I've not been on the forum for a very long time due to my own commitments, but received a private message asking to respond, hence, here I am. Part of this post to you may sound harsh, but please know that sometimes I believe people need the cold hard truth, and I only want to help you my friend.

    Reading your post struck a few chords with me. You're desperate to get this girl back, and jumping over the issue in the process - which essentially will lead to more of the same.

    You're guarded due to your past experiences, and that is understandable, but sometimes you need to put your heart on the table, accept that it may get hurt and go into a fresh relationship without assuming that you will get hurt. Why is it fair for a new lady to be punished for your previous experiences? Switch it around, would you like it?

    So, you want her back? Even though you've kept her at arms length for the past 9 months, she is suppose to just believe that you'll change? Actions speak louder than words mate, you know this. Words alone mean nothing at all, and certainly not 9 months after continuously behaving that way. You need to deal with why you are behaving this way first, because if you do not, I promise you that the same thing will happen again (either with this girl, or the next). Right now, you're hurting and you just want her back to heal that pain. Getting her back will not resolve the issue.

    As Tigger has said, the reason for no contact is for you to deal with whatever emotional problems you have going on mate. Once you've dealt with them, then you'll be in a healthier place to have a relationship based on love and trust and not assuming you will get hurt.

    The sad part here is that I know you will not accept what we are saying as help because it's not what you want to hear. You want us to give you definite steps to get her back. We've all been there buddy. I spent a very long time on myself, and got to a point where I realised that one of the biggest reasons I was so devastated was because I was expecting her to make me happy, and she didn't. I mean, seriously, how much pressure is that on her? My happiness is her responsibility? Really? It made me look inwards and to understand that actually, I wasn't happy with me. If I was happy with me, I wouldn't be putting so much pressure on anyone else (or a relationship) to provide that for me. So, I dealt with all the things I was unhappy with, and now - I'm in a much better place. I know that a relationship will be the icing on the cake of my life, and not my everything. I don't mean to waffle on about me, but mate I think you need to do a lot of soul searching here. I mean this isn't the first time, and if you don't deal with the actual issue, it certainly won't be the last.

    You can do this buddy, you just need to accept that the problem isn't with losing her, it's with why this keeps happening.
    Last edited by Dan72; 02-27-2014 at 07:11 PM.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    So, update on my situation. We got back together. Two weeks ago on Friday i saw her at a mutual friends dinner. At first I was annoyed that when I parked I saw her car outside the restaurant. I was hoping that I could get away from her and move on. I intended to semi ignore her and act normal. That didn't end up happening though. When I got inside I acted complete normal, towards her, and everyone as if nothing ever happened. We all had a alot of laughs, and I spoke to her a lot that night, again as if nothing ever happened. When we left the restaurant we went to an ice cream shop. Touching started. Hand on my leg, rubbing ect, like we were still together and the horrible week of break up never happened.

    When it was time to leave our cars were parked close so I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then the other one, then I was feeling brave so I began to kiss her neck. She let me and enjoyed it. I stopped and told her I better stop before I take her in my car and you know what. She glances over across the parking lot at a hotel, and says.. how about there? Long story short, we ended up having some of the most passionate make up sex imaginable. When we stood up about 7 hours after that just talking, laughing, holding each other, kissing each other, and telling each other how much we missed each other and loved each other, and how sorry we were. It was weird how we went from a cold wave at work to that but it happened. She told me she felt the same way I did. She was crying every night, no appetite, no sleep ect.

    Next day we worked on her truck, and I spent the entire weekend at her house. We had sex a lot the past the couple of days. I last a long time and gave her upwards of 8 organisms it's been very intense passionate sex.

    Here's where I am now. I notice she isn't texting me as much as she used to. And She told me in the car on the way to dinner this past sunday that she wasn't all here because she's had boyfriends in the past that promised to change but in the end went back to their old ways, so in some ways she is scared. I told her I never promised to change and I don't believe people really can, but what I did promise was to be open her and share and show how I feel. I've been very affectionate, before I never was. I never kissed her held her hand, rubbed her, stuff like thst. It was like I had a mental block about it from my past. But now I'm opening to her and doing these things. I'm doing them because I want to and feel the emotion in them. After she told me that she said that she loved me and she is trying to let go of the fear I'll go back to the way I was, and that she loves me, sees a future with me, and wants to work on us and wants to take it one day at a time. We had a nice dinner, went home, had more intense hour long sex, I went down on her for the first time, and went to bed.

    Monday we went to work, came home, she had a huge headache so I rubbed her entire body and she fell asleep. She woke up for lunch with her aunt with a huge smile on her face. Told me I'm amazing and that she is one lucky girl, she feels bad for all the others that don't get to have me in bed and as a boy friend. I kissed her, said enjoy lunch with her aunt and that was it.


    Today is now Tuesday, and I have a bad feeling now. Although I know not to show it, I'm worried. I'm worried about how she feels. I'm worried that this isn't going to last. I wonder if she really feels the way she does or if she is trying to convince herself that she feels the way she does. That thing on Sunday in the car scared me. The thing with her saying she isn't all here. Why say that after saying how amazing I am and having super good passionate sex before and after that.

    Either one, she wants to give me distance so I don't push her away again as I did before, because she was pushing hard to official be with me before we had that fallout week and I pulled away. Or two, she isn't sure how she really feels, or lastly , means what she says about how she loves me and that I'm amazing, but is scared I'll go back to my old ways so is a bit scared like me.

    Since the hotel night we are finally officially dating and together.

    Where should I go from here? I know not to be her door mat and text her all the time even though I do want to. Can't always be available, and retain my manliness, as in no needy stuff ect, but I just can't shake this bad feeling I have. What do you guys think?


    Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk

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    Dear Cityboy,

    You are being vulnerable and expressing your emotions to her. That's brilliant. Look what happens when you focus on what she might or might not be thinking?

    Are you in her head? You need to continue YOUR hard work. If you take the focus off how your behave and being open and vulnerable and intimate, then you will FAIL. I don't normally make such bold statements, but it's true. YOU can't do anything about her. She is in control of her feelings and self. She's been honest to you, surely that's good?!

    She's been open and vulnerable and if you need to know if there is anything you can do to help, like specific behaviours you do that make her feel bad or good then you could ask her. But that's it. You can only work on yourself and ask. You can't MAKE her let go of her fears, that's for her to do. She has to be prepared to heal those old wounds. She has to work on that bit. If it helps, you could try writing down anything you feel is too much, i.e. all the things you want to say in text. Then you could give it to her in one go, or you could date it and give it to her at the end of the week to show you've been thinking of her all week. As you noticed, if she asks for space, and you give it, if she wants to be with you, then you do end up together!


    It's not unmanly to express those romantic needy emotions. It's intimate and vulnerable and very attractive to most girls FYI!. "Express your emotions in a mature and healthy way. Being the rock doesn’t mean being stoic and suppressing your emotions. Keeping your feelings bottled up might seem to make you more of ”the rock,” but instead of adding stability to a relationship, it will create subtle cracks that will eventually open into real rifts." from the art of manliness

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/0...eing-the-rock/

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Dan,

    Thank you dear. Also, glad to hear you are back on the market again. Hugs A
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Yes that thank you both for your posts. My plan of action is I'm going to treat her well, show her my emotions but not overly so as to appear like a wuss and prove to her that I'm not like the other guys that promised to be a certain way and went back to my old ways after. I'm not really changing at all actually, I'm just opening up my heart to her to show her and tell her how I feel. My problem is... I know there is a fine line between showing emotions and being a wuss. And I know being so wuss is the absolute worst thing you can do. That line is a bit unclear for me. I do know that I can't always be available, I do know I can't call and text her none stop, and I do know I can't be too overly emotional. I can't be a door mat. I guess my problem is.... Where is the line between a wuss and a good boyfriend. I know I'm not a wuss in her eyes yet because she has very strong attraction to me, evident in our sex, and I don't want to ruin that by doing needy things. But... really how do I be a good boyfriend without becoming a wuss ?

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    Thanks A x


    City, my feelings from my first post remain, however, I think you're getting really too caught up in trying to be exactly what you THINK she wants you to be, and behaving exactly as you THINK she wants you to behave. Why can't you just be yourself and let her love you for who you are rather than someone you THINK she wants. As Annita has said, you don't and can't possibly know what she wants. In my opinion you will end up becoming someone you can't sustain (because noone can pretend 24/7), someone not being authentic and therefore eventually unhappy and unfair to her, and since you can't know what she wants she will either (A) See through it, know you are not being authentic and walk away. (B) Love this 'pretend' you, and get hurt because once you drop the pretence, she'll see you were putting on an act.

    I don't think showing your emotions can be classed as being a wuss. If a person is in love with another person, I can't imagine anyone ever complaining of that person 'being a wuss' by expressing emotion! However, if that person isn't in love or wanting to be with the other, then displaying huge displays of emotion would certainly be embarrassing to say the least. I can recall times in my own life when displays by those I wasn't 'into' would be irritating, however I craved them from those I was in love with.

    In my opinion, a 'good' boyfriend is genuine and loving. They are supportive and loyal. They say what they mean and mean what they say. They are trustworthy and always provide actions to go along with the loving words. Ultimately though mate, all of those things can't be faked, so if you think you can just play at all of those things, you'll be in for a problem. Just my opinion.
    -Peace
    Dan

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