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Thread: Separated and trying to get her back, advise please!

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    Default Do you believe she will ever contact me? Is there hope?

    In short, I did everything wrong and really drew out our process. I argued, begged, reasoned, etc. Story in brief below.

    My wife of 3 years left in December. We were together for over 7 years and lived together the majority of that time. We've been through a lot together and were truly best friends and I believe that we truly loved each other deeply. Things went bad a few years ago in our lives but I never knew anything was bad in our relationship. Because of financial issues and a choice after one hell of a hurricane we decided to move back to live with her folks. There I worked to get a job but was unable to as I was constantly told I was over qualified. We lived there for about a year. During that year we really didn't fight and I tried to provide in anyway I could, we struggled and we never really did anything romantic as we were trying to get back on our feet. I put on a lot of weight while I was there and I believe my wife lost attraction to me during that time although she didn't show it directly as we were still very intimate.
    On her suggestion I left the state to look for work and went to stay with friends. Sleeping on couches, the time difference and other factors lead to a severe lack of communication. We rarely spoke and when she came out to visit she was distant, the intimacy wasn't there and she even said she felt that our connection was weaning. Shortly after I was offered an amazing job. I took the job and she moved out here. We were great the first few weeks, everything was amazing. Our passion was stronger than ever. Things began though to fade as we had a lot of outside problems interfering such as the new job, finances, and our living situation. We began to fight and she was distant. This lead to more fighting. Eventually she asked that she needed sometime. We separated for a minute and everyone we knew was shocked. She gave me the I love you but am not in love with you line. Turns out she was seeing another man who she had an emotional affair with back home. At the time she confessed this she also then changed her story and even had her parents call to explain her new story. I listened to the parents and chalked it up to a miscommunication.
    A few weeks later she returned and we went to therapy. We were told we should spend more time together and that the distance as well as not living with each other had taken toll on our relationship. She went back home for the holidays and I stayed to work. She was suppose to come back early and I called to ask about that. A fight broke out as it was first about money, but when I said I would send her the money that wasn't the issue. We fought for days, it was horrible. She seemed to bring up every fight we had ever had in the almost eight years we had been together, things long past. I tried to reason with her and thought I had as she had said when she returned we would work on things and had suggested some fun things to do. When she returned I was working late, I came home and she was asleep but had been distant all day through text messages. I wanted to talk about everything so I woke her up. This lead to a fight and she moved out.
    At first there could have been hope but I handled everything wrong. I mean I just didn't know I didn't read DB, I actually read a Dr. Phil book and tried to do everything in that book (none of it worked.) I agreed with everything and took responsibility for everything. Then though I found on her laptop that she was still in communication with the other guy. A friend said he thought he saw them back home while she was away. We'd speak, but it was mainly arguments as I couldn't get past the lying and the other guy. We quickly fell into a dance that involved arguing about trust, or me begging for her to take her back. This pushed her further and further away to the point that we filed for divorce. She denied having the affair as well and had her parents get involved. That story eventually changed and is now that she was questioning the marriage while we were gone before she met the guy but the guy isn't the reason and there is nothing wrong with the affair as our relationship was broken.
    During our fights I did everything wrong. I really did. I begged, I argued, I yelled. I never really name called out side of questioning her character and calling her a liar. I did once say some really bad things but that was after I found out that she was seeing the other guy behind my back. When she admitted to it she didn't see the big deal and tried to play it off as if it wasn't anything.
    Towards our anniversary she texted me about fond memories but i had just heard from a friend that she was with the guy at a wedding and that they were physically intimate. I argued more with her and she denied being with the guy. I saw a photo so I know what is happening. I wrote her a letter saying that we should try again, listing what I thought was wrong and that we can try again and start over but only if there is trust and respect. If not I said we would just have to move on with our lives. Shortly after that I spoke with her father who felt he'd talk to her as he felt we should try again. I agreed. He called me later saying that she didn't want to. We spoke for a while until he told me that they knew about her feeling distant while we were separated and they knew about the guy but he was just a friend she tells them. We got into an argument as I was hurt that he had lied to me and that he could have possibly helped things. Anyway, I was emotional and angry and just made more mistakes. I didn't handle any of this well. At the time I thought of her every second of the day it seemed. Now she is in my thoughts often but the emotional toll isn't as severe. It has been several months since i sent that the note and spoke with her father. There has been no communication. I'm working on myself and realize I've changed a great deal since just moving out here- this experience has only further helped me to improve myself. I know and told my wife that I was changing when we were together and that I felt I was asleep for a while.
    Self improvement and all aside the fact remains that I'd give anything for us to have another chance if it were possible. I know she is involved though with this other guy and that she has now moved back home. We also haven't spoke in months and our divorce papers are done. Is there any hope? Is there anything I can do? She literally turned off all emotion towards me shortly after she moved out. She also felt that we were more like brother and sister she said. She has also been rewriting a lot of our history, but I understand that. I don't care about any of that, I just want to know how to move forward. I want to know how I can get my wife back and if she has the potential to be the wife I loved for so long. This person isn't her. My wife wasn't always honest but was never like this, and I do believe we really did love each other greatly once upon a time. I'm torn as I also know that I can't be treated with such disrespect and lies. I know that I can move on and have dated- I've also found there is a lot of interest in me in the dating community. Still, I also feel that she was my wife and that a relationship of almost 8 years is worth something - worth fighting for. I want her back, but I feel she views me as weak and has lost interest. I feel she is moving on. I should have known better as she comes from a family where they avoid any confrontation and they always have to be right so if there is a disagreement they just walk away and it may take days but they eventually just get back together and pretend nothing ever happened. My wife is extremely stubborn.
    So this is where it ends. I pushed too far. I argued and chased and begged over and over again. She lied to me, friends and family and has been able to get away with a lot of it. She doesn't believe an EA was anything and that I blew everything out of proportion even though she is now in a PA with this guy. She is rewriting our history and doesn't feel she loved me and that she just married her brother/best friend. She wasn't happy in the marriage and deserves better. So that is where we are. We don't speak, she doesn't want to talk and I haven't tried to talk to her now in over 2 months.
    Is there any hope? What can I do? I wish I did things differently, but at the time I was so hurt and so emotional and just wanted to save our marriage. I'd love any advice.

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    Default Separated and trying to get her back, advise please!

    Hi all, I'm new to this site but you all seem quite knowledgeable, so I thought I would offer my thoughts for you!

    11 years and 3 kids, only 4 years into the marriage, but in January she said to me we died years ago and told me it was over, and my recent behaviour was the final straw. I had a midlife crisis and neglected both her and the kids for a while, but the separation brought me back better than ever and I am so happy for what she's done for me.

    We are now extremely great friends, she's opened up to me more now than ever before and it's really positive, but the the one thing that is damaging is she says we are just friends and she doesn't see me like that anymore. I'm ticking all the boxes on how to be with her- listening, having fun, helping out etc, we don't fight anymore and the communication/friendship is the best it has ever been. We are doing quite a bit of stuff together with the kids too so it's almost all perfect.

    Almost...

    She went with an old flame 9 days after the separation and after 4 weeks he decided to leave her to go back to his ex. She was very down for about a week then snapped out of it, which is why we are so good now. They have broken contact completely and she has come back to me as friends as I'm the only man in her life.

    The problem is she doesn't see me like that any more and whenever I mention us getting affectionate she says no. She apologises for it and I say I don't mind, I can wait, but what can I do to make her fancy me again? We are 3 months in to the separation and we are slowly moving in the right direction. She wrote to a friend on facebook this week that said and it makes her cringe to think of going to bed with me and she said the sex would never be as good as with 'him'. (I had a PE issue for the last 4 years that I've only now started addressing, but the sex in the early days was great).

    We don't live together, she doesn't drink any more so Relaxing her inhibitions is out, what else do I do apart from being the good supportive loving husband and friend that lives away from home? I do believe I am slowly winning her over but there has to be a level of attraction from her side to aid the mending process, and I am at a loss at what else I can do. I am attractive, fit and healthy, I'm in the best shape of my life, so it's not that. I stopped drinking and smoking, I manage my money and I give her and the children all that I can when im with them. If it is her recent memories of him and the old us, I am happy to bide my time I can handle it as she and the family are worth it.

    What other tricks are there to getting her to fancy me again without going ott on romance and touching? It's the 'friend zone' I need to get out of! There doesn't seem to be any books on this subject on kindle or amazon, so I need help from you lot if possible please?

    Thanks


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    Dear Robbie,

    Step back. The more you push, the more she will pull away. Look at doing social things without her. Don't be there ever ytime she calls. If she is taking you for granted, you will be her safety net until she is ready to launch off to find another man.

    Check with her that she is ok with you both seeing other people. That should get her thinking. She currently feels like you are hers and that's fine and safe. So IMHO she needs to be jolted out of that. You are nobody's safety net. Tell her you understand that she feels there's no spark and of course you should both be with people who are passionate about you.

    I wish you luck.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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