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Thread: Finally happened.

  1. #1
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    Exclamation Hey, I'm hoping you guys can helpshed some light on this situation.

    Hey Guys. This is going to be a very long and complicated story. I just really need son insights.
    My boyfriend of six years just broke up with me less than three weeks ago. I've just come back from studying abroad for six months. We moved in together right away and had been living together for four weeks when he broke up. The last week he wasn't home at all and it really hurt me. When he got home, he would sit up three-four hours after I'd gone to bed. I decided to leave him a note where I mentioned how I felt and asked if there was something I could do different and so on. Being very open and concerned, not blaming him at all. On the day he broke up, he talked about how he think he might suffer from depression and what I thought. I said I'd be there for him and do everything I could to help. He told me he might go visit his mom the next week, so he could think. I accepted that. Two hours later, he points to my note and says we need to talk about it. He starts talking about a lot of stuff from the past year. Stuff he never mentioned to me, hurt him. He talks about it as if trying to come to a solution and then he suddenly says there's this girl and mutual interest and he just can't do this anymore. That everything's just too much. He's crying heavily, as am I. We hug multiple times and we split up. He's done this thing with everything being too much before. I visited him back them and we figured it out. He needed space and we needed to solve some issues. After we got back together he often said, it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he was happy we'd gotten back together. Two days after the breakup this time I texted him, saying I missed him. He said he missed me too. We texted back and forth all day. I mentioned how we'd solved it before and how I hoped we could do it again. He seemed open to talking about it and shared his concerns. Then he said he needed some time and I accepted that. I kept a very mild, caring and understanding tone throughout. Then I tried not contacting him. He wrote me two days later saying we needed to end the contract for the apartment. I told him I didn't know what I wanted yet. The next day I asked if we could meet up. He agreed but we didn't agree on a date, since I said I had to go, as to not seem desperate. The next morning he'd texted me if we could meet up the same afternoon. I didn't respond right away but ended up going. I acted very pleasant and as if I was doing alright. He acted as if we were still together. Complimenting me, eager to tell my everything he'd been doing, showing me stuff, asking for help to look for an apartment, saying stuff like I distracted him sitting in my skirt on the couch (he always used to say stuff like that) and he kept questioning me - what had I been doing, how was I, why couldn't I make it earlier today, why did I have to go now, did I have a date and so on. When we said goodbye we hugged and he kissed my neck. The same evening he texted me and asked if I was fine with everything because it seemed like it. I still didn't contact him and only answered when he contacted me. Two days later he said he'd found my bike, because it had been moved and he'd looked all over for it. He then asked if I wanted to stop by. I agreed, after some time, not seeming eager. This time I felt sad and had a hard time putting up a happy face. He kept looking at me, looking in my eyes when we talked, he pulled off his shirt and asked if I could see he's been working out, he asked for massage and handmassage (something I used to do for him) I agreed. He offered me, but I declined. He still complimented me like last time and teased me, by not moving if I needed to pass him. On the other hand he mentioned the apartment. Asked if I'd figured out what I wanted and which furniture I wanted. He also told me he found it strange not seeing me every day and that he thought a lot about me and how I was doing. When I left he kissed my forehead. Oh, and he asked why I didn't wear his ring. (I've worn it every single day since he gave it to my at our 1 year anniversary) the next day he went to the movies with his female colleague to watch a movie he'd forbidden me to watch, so we could watch it together. BTW he's moved back to our place and I'm still at my mom's. A couple of days in a row I asked if I could borrow the couch. I never did though, as he apparently sleeps everywhere else than our place. And I was trying to get some alone time with him. One day I went to the apartment wanting to sleep on the couch. He said he was going to his cousin's place. Well, one of the issues is that I never feel like having sex. Never. We haven't had sex for over a year.. so I suggested we shower together, since we both had to shower and that's something he'd always suggest. He said he'd leave the door unlocked, so I undressed and joined him to show him that my wanting to have sex has reappeared since I came home from studying abroad. Afterwards we gave each other naked bodymassage and cuddled. He didn't kiss me at all, so I couldn't have sex with him. I was scared it'd just be sex. Suddenly he had to go because he was offered a ride. He texted me later and apologized. I tried being very understanding and accepting. Two days later I asked if we could meet up. He said he had plans. The next day he asked me about the apartment and I decided to be honest and tell him I still thought we could make it work. We talked about it for a while and he seemed positive. Suddenly his whole attitude changed and he started blaming me, saying it would be catastrophic and horrendous to give it another try if it didn't work out. I felt so hurt I just said okay and told him if was right and I give up. Then he continued about the apartment. I wanted to keep it, but he wanted another place he'd been offered. For him to get it, we had to leave our apartment. He kept acting as if it was my problem and is if I was being a bitch. I still tried to keep a nice tone and being understanding. Well, suddenly he sends me this long text about how I'd basically be the reason he'd have to drop his studies and start working for the rest of his life, if I did not quit the apartment. I was heartbroken and just said I was sorry he was in that position, that I hoped he'd find a solution, but that it was his decision to leave me. He then called me and wanted to talk about it. I told him I was busy, felt like he didn't mind my feelings at all and that he was being harsh. He wanted to know what I was doing. I just told him I was busy, again, and hung up. Hours later he texted me "what is it you expect from me?" I answered this morning, four days later, telling him I was sorry about how I reacted on the phone and sorry I hadn't responded earlier, but that I tried not thinking about all this even though it's hard and he means a lot to me. Oh, and when he called me and blamed me and so on, I ended up terminating the contract for our apartment as he wanted. He pushed me there and I regret. He hasn't mentioned anything about it, not even a thank you. Just after the phone call, I took off for another country. I'm staying here for two weeks and am planning on not checking my phone before I return home. I've asked my mom to pick up my clothes, toiletstuff and plants at the apartment. She did so yesterday. Even though he said he'd pack up his stuff immediately, he hasn't packed a single thing and he's still staying at out apartment.

    So, I texted him after four days, apologizing for being a bit harsh on the phone and not answering his text. Told him I tried thinking about other things, but had a hard time doing so as he means so much to me. He responded with a very long text apologizing for everything, thanking me for quitting the apartment for him, saying he'd thought about texting me several times, but that he neither would nor could do it. That he was trying to give me space and was both happy and sad, that I'd quit the apartment. He also apologized for not packing yet, but said he didn't really want to. I never asked him to pack. i don't mind, I'm not staying there anyway. And he said he understood if I was mad and didn't reply back.

    I am hurting so bad and feeling so confused as to what's happened. Why he's acting the way he is. Sending me mixed signals. I don't know if its the depression or what's going on. I just know I believe in us. I believe we can have the perfect relationship. What to you think about it all?

  2. #2
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    Mixed signals are common after a breakup, especially when you're really looking for any sign of hope as you are. He can blame his depression (if that's really what he has), but it doesn't change the facts:

    - he has left and asked you to leave as well.
    - he can't seem to decide whether he actually wants to leave or not.
    - at the moment, you are not together and he seems to have no intention of putting forth the effort in working on your relationship.

    Has he been officially diagnosed with clinical depression, or has he diagnosed himself? Has he sought professional help? Why did he only start complaining about the lack of sex after an entire year, rather than addressing it sooner? Why is he blaming you for his problems, like saying he'll have to quit school and work all his life (forgive me, but wasn't he going to have a job regardless??), just because you won't bend to all his wishes? I don't know how old he is, but that is something teenagers say to be manipulative rather than communicating like adults.

    Flirting with you, showering/having naked time with you...these are things we hang onto when we don't want someone to leave us - I've done it myself. But the fact is that someone you love can tell you they're open to making things work, and they can say they care and want to meet you halfway...but in the end, you have to look at what they've actually done about it. In my opinion, this guy is playing games...acting like he still wants you one minute (to make sure he's impossible to forget), and then pushing you away the next. It's an addictive game to get involved in (I did so for the better part of two years), but it won't get you what you want.

    Only he can tell you why he's acting this way, so I can't explain his true motives or feelings to you. My advice is to look at his actions rather than his words, and not to assume what he's feeling or thinking, because you can't know that. Perhaps you need to put your foot down a little, and stop responding to him altogether, as your responses only seem to encourage him to confuse you more. It sounds a bit like he wants to have his cake and eat it too: he doesn't want to be with you anymore, but he also doesn't want you to be without him because he's used to you being around. However, part of being an adult means recognizing the consequences of your actions (or lack thereof). He does not seem to have learned that.

    Experience has taught me that you can believe in your relationship all you want, but this is a two-way street, and if the other person doesn't feel the same way, then there's not much you can do. May I ask why you feel you can have the perfect relationship?
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Default Finally happened.

    After right at 3 years, the past 1 1/2 living together, and for the whole time me taking care of her and her son me and the gf broke it off last Thursday, now I'll grant u over the times we have had our ups and downs been through he'll and back, fussed, fought, and loved, it's been good for the most part and I wouldn't trade the last three years, just the ending. Found out she's been seeing another guy while I was at work but still being more than happy to let me take care of the bills. While yes it did hurt when I found out, a couple weeks ago, and it did hurt letting her go. I wouldn't go back to it being like it was. Thanks in part to a girl that has been a friend for many years. When I found out I was headed offshore, saw the pic on FB, then for some reason JB, sent me a message, just to say hi and tell me about her mom who is in the hospital, we got to talkin and I told her about Starla, JB's reply was
    Screw that chick, your mine now so I went from a girl that was an ungrateful you know what to a good ol blonde redneck girl that appreciates me and makes me feel wanted.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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    Dear capttrae,

    It's nice that you've found someone new, however do be careful to have fully healed before you jump headlong into the next relationship; otherwise trouble might ensue.

    Good luck.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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