Sounds like she still cares about you, and sometimes absence is the best thing. Hope the best for u
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Gf & I have had stormy relationship for the last 2 1/2 years, we both suffer/suffered from PTSD, both have went into programs recently. I relasped in my program approximately 3-4 weeks ago, (I am now back on track as of last monday. She finished her program bout the same time I relapsed, she is starting to do the things she is supposed to do (so she tells me) & I am doing the things I need to do agian (since last monday). Two weeks ago she asked me to leave the house (we live together) it was not pretty(no physical violence) but I did leave, in which I did the big wrong and kept calling, texting to try and reason with her, as exspected just made it worse. Last time I talked to her was last monday & she agreed it was a break for us both to get our heads straight, said she would like to think we could work it out (our relationship) but my calling & texting was smothering her. (I get that) so the agreement was it would be a break, my things would remain as they are in the house & she would check in with me daily to see how things are ( I travel for a living) well she text me Tuesday to let me know her cat scan for a up coming surgery was being done & she hoped I was well. Then she texted me later that afternoon to let me know I got mail from one of my brokers. I waited till Wednesday and texted her I was well and hoped she was and thanks for mail info. Well I have heard nothing from her since. A friend told me that she imed her on fb asking if she heard from me. I am trying to give her space as she requested, yet I want to contact her soooo bad, and why is she not checking in daily as agreed. Why ask a friend, why not call text me. Make me wonder if she is not checking in daily as she said she would, if she is packing my things in the house. Soooo confused, any insight or advice. Should I keep waiting for here to contact me. Fyi: she is a very stubborn irish girl. Any thing would be welcome. Thanks UPDATE: My friend informed me that my gf just sent her a text (Thursday evening) agian asking if she had heard anything from me/if I was ok.... I don't understand why she just doest contact me. ... any body help me understand.....
I had a similar situation and I did everything wrong. As you did in the beginning and now backed off. In my case, and I can only share from my point of view, I am in no way advising or suggesting what you should do, I am only sharing my experience. Take from it what you will.
Anyways, I forgotten if you both agreed to check in daily. In my case, this was still too much contact and I know she seemed as if I was monitoring her even when she didn't hit me up for the day. After not contacting her for a few she hit up a mutual friend asking about me. I never learned the actual conversation, this was a true friend to both of us and never eluded, hinted, got in the middle or chose sides. This person only advised both of us to grow up and communicate with each other. Contacting a mutual is a juvenile action to gain information, advise or spy by 3rd party. I surely hope this person is as admirable. So, after figuring out that I was, poking the bear, and not giving her space to figure out what exactly she wanted, I continued to only work on myself changing what I could to better the person I was. This is still a lot of work. I'm assuming here that this program you referenced is attached to something of an addictive nature. "Taking care of what I need to do" is something passed on to ppl early on this path. It's a diffuser and its used when the recipient knows the background of the person expressing it, as I interpreted from what you said. Both of you have started a new direction in hopes of changing your ailments, yes? And both of you care, love and don't want to hurt each other but in the same breath you're both scared where this might lead and don't want to lose what is comfortable, familiar and a safe place, is this safe for me to assume? If I'm on the right track, this IS the hardest hurdle to overcome next to the reason you're seeking betterment in yiur life. Unfortunately, 90% of the time, one or the other and maybe both realize as much as you don't want to lose what you have, the best choice for either individual (either singularly or together mutually) is to place being together on hold for at least 6 months to even a year. Only to make contact once a week, maximum and maybe even less. No seeing each other and no participation in same groups (or meetings). This seems extreme and your knee jerk reaction will be to reject this completely. "No ****ing way an I going to do this, no matter how many ppl, mentors, sponsors, old timers or newly acquired peers tell me this needs to be done. I know better, this will work out, you ppl are ****ing crazy and don't understand what we have, we're different." Hopefully I'm on pint with this and you can completely identify with what I've laid out, and if so, I've completely misunderstood your inquiry. I'd like to think I'm dead on... and so, if you're rehabilitation is for a personal change to better yourself, then reflecting on your own past and past judgements (these being life decisions that brought you to where you're at now) Then you really don't know **** and you've made all the WRONG choices to bottom out in life only having a few ways to go now.
1. Reject what is currently your reality of having to change (whatever the reason is that brought you to this point) and return to old behavior. Regardless of the consequences, repercussions, pain, self loathing, depression, pity and failure. Telling yourself and everyone around you, "See, I knew this wouldn't work and/or nobody understands." Returning to the only comfort zone you created and the only known life you've created and lived. Outright quitting and rejecting to change by lying and convincing yourself, it's roo hard or it'll never work. Then pronounce your epiphany as delusional fact to anyone that'll accept and agree to your bull****. Maybe even pleading with the one you love to also quit and join you, because if it didn't work for you, and you're so strong willed and determined when focussed, it won't work for them either and you two should conquer all your issues together, using each other as support.
2. Face your fears of change and being alone. Man up to not knowing as much as you THINK you know, because your best thinking, planning, decisions and persona hasn't made you who you know you can be but being willing to admit failure in life as you know it is harder than existing in the **** realm you're accustomed too. Allowing yourself to actually feel the fear of change. Committing only to yourself and nobody else, actually following through abandoning the compromise of only letting yourself down. Prsuing something so foreign and strange, becoming someone different by choice. Whether that choice was made by yourself, family forced, peer pressure or legalities. Any self evaluation and change can only be done internally with determination, dedication and guidance. Self realization that you actually can't do it and dealing with the unknown, no matter how scary it seems.
Now that all of that's out of the way, once you're using the phrase, "doing what you need to do" has to be used as a mantra not an excuse. Meaning, if you're seriously changing, you're discovering a new you and realizing that your own sense of accomplishment doesn't want to be praised. Nor do you want to display your success to the other person you love in fear that they may interpret it as gloating. Anyone that has done rehabilitation successfully now thinks before acting, considers what their actions will have on others and allows what is to be, just be. Feelings suck at this point and everybody feels abandonment, rejection and/or jealousy. The key is to stay focused on yourself and allow space for the one('s) you love. I'm not saying it isn't a mother ****er, it is. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't want to let go, I needed to know I was wanted, loved and missed. I hoped that we could return to time's I admired. Those memories of bliss and complacency of just being happy. Way before everything went to ****... Why? What happened and what happened to us? Does she still love me like I love her? I thought of these and more all the time. I had to change or die and she knew she did too. Only thing is, even tho we started together and I couldn't get past no contact, I eventually understood completely and only concentrated on changing what I was able to change, ME. Ultimately, she chosed not to be as serious and attempted to reconnect after her failure, and yes I quit to be with her, only to realize nothing is changing but me. I suffered trying to make us work over and over until I finally woke up and understood I can't support or help her change. I can only take responsibility and change myself. One of the first things I had to accept and realize is, "I have no control over people, I can't make them change, I can't force my way up on anyone. I can only police my own actions and then question myself, am I only doing this to appease everyone else and faking it all so they'll leave me alone OR do I listen and dedicate to change into the man I envision being?" I was dead emotionally, mentally and almost physically because I wanted to hang onto this person. I finally left, "giving her space" understanding that she can only change when she's ready but I had to take action or die. She tried to gain information about me from friends, but as I stated earlier, they didn't and stayed on mutual ground between us. It was almost 2yrs before I saw her again and she finally got it. I thought about her daily, missed her hourly and yearned for her touch every minute. When we finally reconnected we attempted to reconcile and be together. Because we both were more aware of our own selves, at first, it was better than before. But slowly it started to evolve into toxicity again. This time we both understood and saw it coming. To this day, I will ALWAYS love that woman and I will be there for her anytime day or night should she call. I've told her this and she has told me the same. We talk every once in a while and even tho we both say, "I love you" and mean it, it's on a different level and actually, it's more meaningful.
When you change people let you know in odd ways. They either comment on it, choose not to associate with you or embrace the person you've become. New kinship, loves, friends and acquaintances are more rewarding and less work. I guess the oddest feeling to accept and get over is, looking at anyone I knew then and thinking, "Boy they've changed. They're nothing like I remember them being." Only to reflect on that and come to terms, No... I've changed.
So, I hope sharing my story has given you one complete scenario start to finish from someone that can empathize with what you expressed or at the very least given someone that reads this, food for thought.
Juice & Accessories
Listen I know it's killing u not to have some kind of contact w/ her, but the more u contact her the longer your heartache draws out not leaving time for your heart to start the healing process. Why should you be the one doing all the trying to contact, she has your number, and a phone works both ways.
There are times I want to contact my now ex fiancÚ, but then I think if she gave a damn about talking to me she'd be trying to get a hold of me, and yes it does hurt when she don't, but the more time goes between us talking it gets a bit easier day by day. And this is going to sound very chauvinist but do be it, go out and find u a different woman to spend time w/. You'll be amazed at how much a new woman's touch/companionship helps.
Here's just a very shortened version of my story. I had been w/ my now ex for 3 years, been living together for 1 1/2 years me doing the part of a good provider/husband/stepdad. Her highest worry was what she wanted for lunch that day, but then we started having problems a fuss here a fight there no real big thing, then she tells me that she hates the house we live in, so I tell her to go find her one that she'll like, I just figured that even if she did I'd still be paying for it and living w/ her and our little family would just keep plugging along, then she starts picking me apart bit by bit and me being a hard ass I in turn do the same thing to her. Fast forward to last hitch in headin offshore one day get on FB and there's a pic of her w/ another guy. 2 weeks later I get home and tell her I can't trust her and she finishes saying then there's no point in continuing.
Now I get to where I'm telling u that you'll be amazed at how a new woman's touch will make u feel, while I was still on the boat after I found out about her cheating I was talking to a very close friend of mine about the situation, her response was " I'm sorry she's so terrible, but when it's all settled your mine" and let me tell you something, the new gf made sure I felt welcome, we haven't had sex yet so that hasn't played a part in anything, just knowing that u r appreciated helps a whole lot and having a warm woman to snuggle up close to at night is a big help.
So go out find u someone else, don't go out and find a one night stand bc that'll only make u feel worse in the end, but find someone you can talk to, spend time with and just enjoy being around. And while you'll never forget the last one it'll be easier to deal with
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Really good to see you all supporting each other here. Please keep us updated on what's happening for you three.
All the best,
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha
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