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Thread: (Help) I've cheated on my 12year relationship

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    Default (Help) I've cheated on my 12year relationship

    I'm new to this.... Im 29 and my girlfriend is 28.. We been together for 12years we are high school sweethearts and we have 3 beautiful girls together age 2,7,10 so for the past few months we have been arguing for the littlest things and getting on each other nerves so a couple of weeks ago I was looking around the social media and I found an old girl -friend from high school let's call her Judith. So we started to text and than talk on the phone so one day Judith confess to me that she had the biggest crush on me and I confess to her I did too ..so we decided to meet up for some drinks everything went okay than the second time we met up we went for dinner come back to her place and we had sex ... Don't k now what was going in my head ..but I felt so bad that I had just cheated on my girlfriend of 12years and as the weeks went by I started to fall in love with Judith so we started to date her as my girlfriend ..same time as my 12year girlfriend and to make things worst one day Judith and I had a drunk night and had sex and I finished in her so a few days ago she told me she is pregnant.. Wow .. What a shock. At first I was willing to leave my current girlfriend for Judith she knew about my kids and she accept me and my kids plus my current girlfriend and I warnt getting along anymore so I've been so cold with my girlfriend and she's noticed and started to ask me if I'm cheating on her and I keep telling her no .... I can't find the courage to tell her the truth ... She loves me like there is no tomorrow so I was planning of telling her next month about this and moving on with Judith plus still taking care of. My 3girls but just. A few days ago my girlfriend started venting out all her feeling and I finally saw the love we once had .. Now I don't want to lose her but I'm stuck I'm in love with both of them I don't know what to do ..I don't want to hurt them but I know feelings will get hurt ..... Please help me I'm driving myself crazy I don't know what to do I regret cheating I don't want to lose my family I'm happy I'm having another baby but not happy I did them wrong ... Thanks ahead

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    Dear David,

    I can't tell you what to do. But you already know what you want to do. You told me "I regret cheating, I don't want to lose my family". There are a few things I would suggest you consider:

    Couples counselling for you and your partner. Assuming you meant what you said about your family, you will need to break up with Judith, you can't see both women, though loving both is quite possible of course, love for one is entirely about that person and they are individuals. I think you will need to accept financial responsibility for the baby, but you have to consider if you want to involved in any other way. The risk with that is that you jeopardize your family relationship because you are still "involved" with the other person. I understand that you may feel it is unfair to that child for you to not be there to look after him/her, but your girls were your primary commitment and they still need you. This is also how the law sees families, where your first family comes first.

    I am not telling you what to do, just making you aware that being a dad to two families, if you still have feelings for both partners, is obviously fraught with issues. It's usually somewhat different when people get divorced as they move on with their adult relationships (although this can still cause problems). Only providing financial support to Judith and the baby will allow her to find someone she can love (without constantly seeing you) who is available to her and will prevent any...relapses in your mistake, because we're all only human.

    Whatever you choose, the problems between you and your girlfriend need to be resolved and counselling is often a good place to work out what has gone wrong and why.

    I would speak to a separate counselor alone, before you both go to different couples counsellor; for counselling to work out when you should bring up the infidelity. It may be that if you bring it up immediately it causes a rift and difficulty in resolving other issues. It may be prudent to wait to tell her what has happened until after you have got back a stable foundation and dealt with why your arguing and getting on each other's nerves started.

    Healing in relationships requires 100% commitment and effort from both parties, you can't be looking outside to find others or leave. If you aren't willing to give that to your girlfriend and family, then I can say that your chances of success are low. I wish you luck. I can't say it will be easy. I can say that a healthy loving strong relationship, where you've worked through those issues together is IMHO (in my humble opinion) worth it.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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