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Thread: Is this abuse? And if so why is he doing it

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    Default Is this abuse? And if so why is he doing it

    Hi, I've never had to ask the world before but I found myself so alone lately and can't really speak to anyone about what is happening but here goes and I'm sorry if it's long but it is a long story.

    I met my boyfriend about a year ago. He is a lovely person but over the past few months he has changed a great deal. When we met my grandmother was dying and I was going back and forth looking after her as she raised me and he was so good to me and when she died and I had to leave he came and got me. This meant the world to me and showed me what a lovely person he was because I had no one else in the entire world at that stage as I don't speak with the rest of my family. It was the biggest loss to my life and I honestly don't know how I've even gotten through these last 9 months because once we got to know each other it suddenly became about him even though I really needed him.

    About a month after she died he asked me out and I said yes even though I knew I'd be loving him with a broken heart I still let him in. Only one day had passed and he had already brought me over to his sisters where I was invited to a family occasion which I reluctantly said yes to because I wanted to make him feel happy and give us a chance and he said he had never had a girl to bring before. This was hard of me because I had just lost the only person I had in the world and someone else's family was the last thing I wanted to be around at that time. From then it became about his happiness and not the fact I needed time to grieve and the words that melted my heart was when he said he would look after me if I let him. Well this is where it all began I just didn't realise.

    Before I say any more I think it's important to say that I was sexually abused as a child and all things considering I don't have many sexual issues. I told him this before I slept with him and he said he wished I hadn't because it made him feel weird but I had to say because sometimes I feel a little scared when engaging with a new person and I've only had two boyfriends before him. I'm 28 and he is 25. He told me he was a virgin and I was okay with it because that kind of thing wouldn't bother me everyone has their own issues. Now I was never much into kissing with tongues and not really sure why but I imagine it's something to do with my childhood trauma. But once I went to kiss him is when he asked me to teach him and it freaked me out a bit and I felt so much pressure and he said that it wasn't fair because he had waited his entire life for this but yet this was now my problem even though I was in the early stages of grief and to even get up in the morning was hard let alone deal with that so I started to cry and so then he started to cry and when someone crys I automatically stop because I hate to see anyone upset. We got over that and it was fine but every time we fight he brings it up and the more he does the less I've wanted to kiss him because it seems to be always what he wants.

    Maybe I'm wrong maybe I should have just given In but it seemed abit cruel to me that he would say such a thing and put pressure on me when he knew what I was going through. Then he told me that he 'used' to be depressed so I assumed he had gotten help but it turned out he had self diagnosed himself and never looked for any help but said that I made him happy which I was a bit wary about because I was in a fragile state myself. Before I had even slept with him he told me his penis was tiny and I was like okay that's alright we can work that out but in actual fact his penis isn't small at all it's pretty average. He told me he had boobs and that some men get them which I knew from biology but he had never gone and got this diagnosed so again I was confused. Then he told me he had youth arthritis which does run in his family but he had a months treatment and then told me he couldn't have kids because the medication can make you infertile and he had this treatment a long time ago and it's only with prolonged use and he had treatment for less than a month. At this stage we had being together less than a month and he was already so negative about himself because he used to be a lot bigger than he is now so I'm assuming his 'boobs' are just excess fat which makes more sense unless a doctor told him otherwise which isn't the case.

    I tried my best to build his confidence because I wanted him to see what I saw and he said I have built him up so much that he doesn't feel that way. Well in the meantime with all the issues I had to help him with I never really got around to grieving for my beautiful grandmother who wasn't just that but also my mother and my best friend and I don't think he realised how alone I felt. The next few months went great and we were very happy we had the occasional fight but nothing serious. I asked him to come home with me so I could see my grandfather and he said he would drive me. This was 6 months after my grandmother died. So we set off and halfway we started to fight and he started shouting at me and I was screaming back at him to let me out because he didn't realise but he was driving faster and not concentrating because we were fighting and I wanted out. I just wanted to get away from him. It was hard enough to go home and not see the one person I wanted to see sitting where she always sat so I was already anxious beforehand and had told him I would be.

    So I finally got out and because I wouldn't get back in the car and said I just wanted to get away from him because he was the one making me feel like this and I couldn't stop crying. So he decided to ring the police on me and tell them I was going to kill myself. This scared me and I felt physically sick and puked at what he was doing because killing myself was not a thought that even entered my head. Finally he realised he had gone to far and we eventually got to my house but didn't speak at all. And lately it's just gotten worse.


    He found a lump on my vagina on valentines day and I told him before that my mother has cervical cancer before but instead of telling me because he said he didn't want to ruin the night he decided to say it a week later in a fight and tell me I was dirty and I had an sti. This really hurt me as I told him my history and I can't just go sleeping around as sex isn't exactly something I do unless I trust someone. And I had seen the same thing myself when I was 17 and never went to the doctor because I don't really like anyone to touch me like strangers, I know I should have but I just can't it's very distressing on me. Regularly he ignores me or reads my messages and doesn't reply even though I said it bothers me and upsets me he started to do it more once I told him it upset me. Now when he does this I must add that I do get angry and send him messages but if he didn't ignore me For no reason then it wouldn't be that way. And I admit I've gotten angry since the death of my grandmother and decided to nip it in the bud and go get some grievance counselling which I am only on my fourth session. I told him and he said he didn't believe me. I'm not sure why he said that to me because I have no reason to lie about something like that as I was referred by the doctor after I asked for help.

    The last time we fought I went and got a job just a part time one as I still didn't feel ready. So in order to get back out there and see people everyday and smile was probably the hardest thing I've had to do so far besides live life without my grandmother. So I didn't want to tell him where because we live in a smallish town and I just wanted the first few weeks of the job to myself and not tell anyone where it was so I could see how I got on myself and how I was feeling. It wS a pretty big step for me. I would have told him in a week probably only he doubted me again and said I was lying and this has made me feel like he doesn't deserve to know and said I was only telling him what he wanted to hear even though he hasn't worked in a long time and I was doing this for me not for anyone else. Why would it be what he wanted to hear if he didn't even have a job himself? I think he felt insecure in the fact that I was able to get back out there but he wasn't. I don't know anymore it's so confusing.

    He tells me constantly that I'm the reason he is broke even though he never spends any money on me. Even last weekend we went to my hometown and I paid for the entire trip because I learned that if I want to do anything I will have to pay for it all to avoid him saying these things to me. He fought with me all Christmas which I spent alone and New Years he called around just before 12. It was pointless and cruel for him to do that knowing it was my first Christmas alone and he made it ten times harder on me. Lately though things have escalated a lot. He can get aggressive and it frightens me and although I'm almost certain he wouldn't hit me he punched my door and put a crack in it and when I said I would tell someone he said they wouldn't believe me. This scared me because I felt like maybe he was becoming controlling.

    He says things like I'm going to break my phone and I bought him an I touch for his birthday and when he is angry tells me that do I even realise how easy it is for him to snap it because it is so thin. Apparently I make him do these things which I'm smart enough to realise that I don't and that it is his issue. When I'm angry I do not blame him for the things I do or say because it's only me that can make myself do these things not another person. Maybe I have more self control I don't know. He hadn't got aggressive since that day but I will not forget it. This happened because we were meant to be travelling to my hometown and he had upset me the night before and I just asked him to hold me but yet again I woke the next morning with his penis in my back as if nothing had happened so I got angry and told him to leave and that's what happened. I just wanted him to hold me. It's really hard for me to go home and he knows the reasons why and doesn't understand why I get so anxious in the lead up to the trip. It's very stressful for me.


    Lately it all became too much and he was ignoring me again instead of seeing me. This usually goes on for between 3 to 7 days because he thinks I will just forget but never wants to talk about anything that happened so we can never resolve things even though I have tried. I'm not saying it is all him and yes I haven't being myself the last few months and can get annoyed easily but he automatically gets defensive with me and says it's all he is used to. But that is like fighting with a child and he doesn't realise it. So when he does this to me I sit at home alone because I don't know that many people around here and only have a few friends because I'm new here. Usually I stay in my room and cry and forget to eat not intentionally but this is becoming a habit and I'm unable to deal with it all. It's like I want to grieve but he won't give me the chance to. So I posted pics on instagram to let on to the world that I was happy. Nothing major just a picture of a drink and things. And he scanned them into google and found out and told me I was lying to him even though I never told him about them. He had no reason to do what he done because I've never given him reason to do such a thing. I thought it a very odd thing to do but maybe I just wouldn't think of it I don't know.

    But I was upset with this but he said I lied and that he can't trust me anymore even though when he confronted me (in a fight as usual) because it's the only time he brings things up and he continued to laugh and ridicule me and sat and watched me cry for about a half hour and wouldn't stop saying horrible things to me so I had to put in my headphones so as I couldn't hear his words but he kept at it for about another hour till I finally had a way out of there. I had even said I would walk up town with him as he had asked if I could just go home once we got back to his house and the moment we got back and I tried to leave as I said he started on me again telling me if I walked out it would be over so I said okay. But he had already doubted everything before this even happened so I don't see why this was an issue other than the fact that he didn't want to admit that he had being wrong. Because not one picture on instagram affected his life in any way. He also told me that my friend was imaginary because he hadn't met her and this upset me because I wanted them to meet but she doesn't want to know him now and I don't really blame her because it upset her also when I told her because she felt it was something against her when it was really just him playing mind games with my head. He very nearly came between us and I need all the friends I can get at the minute as I'm far from home and alone. He didn't care about that as long as he got to say what he wanted to say.

    Then I drew a picture as I'm quite good at art and it was pretty simple animation and he never asked me to see it just started accusing me in the street that I didn't draw it that it was a picture of google but as I explained to him I get all my images online and draw them from there I'm not sure if this was just an attempt to hurt me which it did, but if he had asked I would have just shown him but he accused me. We had being fighting because we just got back from a lovely weekend and as soon as we got back I asked him did he want to go to my house for an hour or so and get a lift home later or I'd come to his and get a taxi in a bit. So he said okay and called his friend for a lift but he wasn't around so we walked from the train station to his house and his friend arrived and we got in the car and went over to my house which confused me and then he got out of the car at my house and told his friend to wait and just left me there at my front door. This upset me because I just wanted a little time with him as we hadn't been talking for over a week beforehand and had being on a bus for the past 7 hours. He text me later and told me he had to see his friend and that he was sorry for ruining the end to our trip but I was still upset. His friend has some sort of hold on him and if he snaps his fingers my boyfriend comes running and I hate to say it but he does. He can stand up and get aggressive with me but when it comes to someone his own size not a chance in hell will he stand up for himself.

    He seems to have lived a sheltered life and I guess his parents done a lot of things for him and he never had to deal with anything but I've been on my own since 14 and I didn't have a sheltered life so I'm used to dealing with things and standing up for myself if needed. I probably shouldn't have called him a coward but I did because I feel he is it's the truth and he can't see why I think it. He was more afraid of his friend being angry than he was at the thought of losing me. So he didn't come over Easter Sunday and decided to come over on the Monday after telling me he would be over the day before. So even though he had let me down again and broken another promise I agreed and saw him and we went for a walk and as soon as it came time to say something about what he had done he decided to accuse me of lying about drawing something that I didn't when I could prove it but really don't feel he deserves it with the way he has being acting. And he wouldn't apologise if I showed him and even If he did I don't think it would make much difference because yet again he doubted me for no reason. So we fell out and haven't spoken since. He has ignored all messages and refuses to say anything until I tell him I'm lying about drawing he picture. But I did draw it and I'm not going to tell him a lie to make him happy.

    He even asked me was my name even my real name. I have no idea where he gets these paranoid thoughts from but they are starting to cause a lot of problems but again it's all my fault and I should just admit I lied. He expects me to prove everything I say now but yet this makes me want to tell him less and less and I feel like he is pushing me further away. The things he says are so irrational that I wondered did he need some help so I suggested it and was told I was psychotic as usual. He calls me that a lot and says I manipulate him when it's really him because everything we do is all about him in the end. It's him who decides how long he will ignore me for, when I can see him and when I can't. He also has trouble keeping it up sometimes and I put this down to his insecurities and thought no more because plenty of people have this problem and was one of the reasons he told me he couldn't use condoms because he was a virgin and didn't know how so I went on the pill as I knew it was safe as he was a virgin. He says he can only have sex in the mornings and isn't able at night which is strange to me because he can go soft in the morning as well. And then he said something no man has ever said before 'that I want sex too much' is twice a day too much? At the start of a relationship? But anytime I am in my period he is nowhere to be found because I won't have sex during it. He said this isn't true but in and around the time of my period he does something just so he won't have to be around.

    On Monday he told me he didn't love me anymore and he was insistent on it so I have come to accept it. I have wondered did he ever at all and why he asked me out in the first place when I was in such a dark place. But then I wondered was he gay because I know just because he can't stay hard doesn't mean that he is but I said I had a serious question for him and that I wanted an honest answer and before I got to ask him he replied and said 'no I am not gay'. This freaked me out because I hadn't yet asked the question and it has only made me more suspicious because he has told me before how much he loves me but if he did would he treat me the way he does? I mean is it normal behaviour or what is his problem. I'm wondering now is he gay and maybe that friend that has a hold on him could be a lover or know about it and maybe using it against him but I can't say anything because he always reacts and gets defensive even over the smallest things.

    I really don't know anymore because I only thought it this week when I looked back at everything and he made me think about it more when he text me that before I even got the chance to ask the question. I have never given him reason to mistrust or doubt me but yet he does and he had given me so many reasons to not trust to believe in him but I don't use it against him. I do fight back with him and shouldn't rise to it but sometimes it's just so hard not to when you have someone screaming hate at you because they can't swallow their pride and be a man and accept when they are wrong. I don't really know what my question is here but please answer it the best you can I don't know what to do anymore and I feel so alone. I have to meet him on Sunday and I just need some answers. But I do believe that if something doesn't change that even if my heart loves him I do not want this life as my future.

    I'm afraid that I will put up with this kind of behaviour and have being for the last while because I don't have any family left besides my grandad. I don't even know if I've made sense I just really need some help because he has really trampled on my self esteem lately and I don't feel like life is worth living sometimes. But then I think of my grandmother and how I promised her I would be ok when she was gone even though I knew I wouldn't. I have done all I can do to get help for myself and it's still a long road ahead of me but he doesn't seem to ever be mature enough to support me and he acts so selfish and spoiled sometimes that I feel like I'm dealing with a child. It's not fair on anyone and something has to give otherwise I have to walk away. Thank you I even feel better already just being able to get it out. I have tried to talk to him I really have. I've waited days for him t text or malke any contact but he never does unless I do it first. Even though when he is wrong it should be him doing the running it's always me making the first move and he thinks it's him. He really is a nice person but he just needs to be honest with himself and stop thinking the whole world is against him when he is the only one that is against him. And when I say things like this to him he turns around and says the same things about me. So whatever problems I have with him, he seems to develop the same ones with me right away and even copies words I use and says them about me. I've never had to deal with this sort of thing so I really don't know why this is unless he is just very immature (which he can be) but this is playground stuff and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks so much. I apologise for it being such a long post but I really needed to say it all.


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    Hi,

    Please update us on what happened when you met up yesterday? Also tell me what your options are? Can you move back to your home town to live with your grandfather? Why are you not talking to the rest of your family? Where are you living right now and how are you paying for it?

    Most of all I'd like to send you a big hug. You are not alone.

    All the best,

    Annita

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