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Thread: It's hard to imagine ever falling out of love

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    Default It's hard to imagine ever falling out of love

    I don't think I've ever fallen out of love before. I've had crushes in school that have faded over time and I look back and think of how silly they were... but that wasn't really love since most I didn't know well.

    There was a friend of mine years back that I was in love with but that same feeling wasn't returned even though he was my best friend. Even though it wasn't returned I wouldn't call it falling out of love now that I don't feel like that today about him. I'd just say more like over time I moved on and accepted it.

    So with my current relationship... my first and only real bf... who was my first and only kiss... the first guy I've ever felt so close with ever loved this much. It's impossible to think that I'd ever fall out of love with him. If you read my two most recent blogs posts then you'll see why I am writing this. But anyway, yes, I know that no matter what happens in my life I can live without him and I am strong enough to stand on my own and be single and happy in life. So that isn't what I mean. I just mean... I don't see how anyone can just wake up one day and be like... "Eh, I just fell out of love".

    Please, if you have anything to say about my blog entries or anything to do with my relationship personally I'd appreciate it if it was sent in a PM. For personal reasons I'd like my personal stuff kept somewhat private for right now. (If you aren't on my friends or contacts list and want to view my blog entries you can PM me as well and I will add you). And yes... I wrote this paragraph here because I am not afraid to say that I am asking for some help/feedback.

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    Saying one "fell out of love" is just hiding in my opinion. Honestly if someone said that, they never had true, genuine feelings for that person to begin with. Feelings as complex as love never truly go away, even in abusive relationships, if you cared for that person at one point I think you always will.
    " Manifest plainness, Embrace simplicity, Reduce selfishness, Have few desires "

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    Default How I fell out of love

    Quote Originally Posted by thatdoggirl;
    I just mean... I don't see how anyone can just wake up one day and be like... "Eh, I just fell out of love".
    Falling out of love doesn't happen in a day. It is a whole series of events that lead up to it.

    I did fell out of love with my ex husband. I’ll tell you my story. It's long, so you are warned.

    When we first met it was not love at first sight. I didn't even feel attracted to him. I was 21 and never had a real bf before but I was ready for one now, because all my peers were already dating. So I met this guy in a fast food place while waiting for my Pizza to be ready. He was eating there. We had a short conversation and he gave me his phone number. I thought about it for a while and one day I called him. We started dating and after 3 months I was head over heels in love with him. I was driving everybody around me crazy talking about him every minute of the day. I could not imagine my life without him and just knew he was the one I wanted to marry.

    Even early in the relationship, there were already signs that I was heading for problems, but I was soooo in love and I was ready to accept him with all his faults as long as we could be together. I thought that if he loved me like I loved him, everything would be alright and he would eventually grow out of this stage and act normal. Big mistake.

    I came from a very sheltered environment and he came from an abusive one. His father was an alcoholic and abused his mother and all 8 children (1 girl and 7 boys) verbally, physically and emotionally on a daily basis (they are all still traumatized from that time). His father was incredibly controlling and also openly had mistresses whom he changed frequently. My ex husband always promised himself to never abuse his wife and children when he grew up. Still some of it rubbed off.

    He started drinking and smoking at a very young age. Whenever he had problems he started drinking excessively (Suzie, are you reading this?)
    He was a player. Used girls like toilet paper. He had lots and lots of one night stands. The ones he did have a relationship with were all girls from good families (rich) and I was one of them. He kept cheating on me all those 18 years I was with him. Countless one night stands and a few long time affairs. He also became very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive (in his mind abuse was only physical)

    He did beat me up once after we were married for two years but I guess he never did it again because I got so scared of him after that, we made up but I never spoke my true feelings anymore in fear of a beating. His family was big and didn't have much money so they never did things as a family, He had trouble doing things together with me and the kids. He lived his live as a single guy. Everywhere he went he went alone and he seldom accompanied us anywhere.
    I was on my own a lot!

    He did work very hard from a very young age on to make his own money and did every job you can name to have some spending money because he didn't get any from his parents.

    At 21 he got a good paying and steady job as repairman of heavy equipment at a mining company. He promised himself he would buy a piece of land and build his own house before he was 25 and he worked very hard to get there. When he was 24 he met me and he worked even harder to get there. He did it. Right before he was 25 he moved into his own house. He didn't stop there. He tried to set up his own company and after a few failures he started a rental company for heavy equipment. He worked very hard and it paid off. His company quickly grew into one of the biggest rental companies for heavy equipment in my country.

    Money was no problem anymore and we had a good life as far as material things went. But with the money came the bad friends, The drinking, the women, the controlling, the verbal abuse, the gambling, neglecting his family, they all were part of my daily life.

    He became a very powerful man and I felt as if I was in prison. I was afraid of him and my love for him was completely gone.
    I was terribly unhappy but I couldn't leave him. He had promised me many times that he would have me killed if I left and I had reason to believe he was not exaggerating. He did own a few guns and I knew how crazy he could get when he was drunk. He also said that if I left he would not let me take the kids with me and they were still very young so I knew I had to stay for them.
    Many times I was sitting alone staring into nothing thinking that I still had so many years of this life in front of me and I asked myself if this would be my life forever. Whenever he started arguing I just kept my mouth shut or didn't say anything to make it worse so I can't say we fought a lot but it was like a one way street. Only he was happy with this life.

    My family noticed this behaviour and encouraged me to get out, but I was too scared. They didn't understand it, I had kept a lot of things from them.
    8 years into this unhappy marriage I met a young man and what first started as someone I could talk to about all my problems changed into a love affair.
    My husband was not around much, the kids were very young so we had a lot of time to spend together. I think that if he hadn't been there for me I would have gone insane. My husband was also having an affair at the time and he went everywhere with her. He even chose to go somewhere with her instead of being at home on my 35th birthday.

    After 3 years my husband found out about my affair. He caught us together and I’m sure you can understand it was not pretty. He questioned me about the affair at gunpoint while he was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle, and than went into the other room doing the same with my bf. He then made me and my bf have sex in front of him while he was taking pictures, all at gunpoint. We had to change into all different kind of positions while he kept taking pictures. Of course my bf could not get an erection but that didn't matter to him. He told me he was going to send copies to my whole family and publish it in the paper.

    After a long and terrifying night he sent my bf away and told him never to show his face again or he was a dead man. He than called my mother over and told them what their "bad daughter" had done. He was the victim and he was crying and so sad boohoo...

    I was so ashamed because nobody knew about the affair until now and my bf was still a minor at the time (yeah I'm also not proud of that) so everybody shook their heads and I had a lot of people judging me.

    My husband moved in with his gf at that time and me and the kids went to stay at my parents. After a week I went back to live at my own home again, and I stayed there alone with the kids. I felt very depressed. My marriage was over, my bf didn't come around anymore as he was in fear for his life, and I was so alone and heartbroken.

    Soon my husband started coming around to pick up stuff. He had not packed anything when he left before, just some clothes. He told me he was having problems with the gf. They were fighting a lot and he had beaten her up. But she always fought back. He walked around with bite- and scratch marks and she all black and blue.

    I don't remember why, but when he told me he and the gf broke up after two months I decided to give it one more try. I had made a mistake also and we had kids together, We decided to start with a clean slate. I did tell him that if he went back to the gf, he and I would be finished for real. I also promised never to contact my bf again.

    One day later we got robbed and I was too scared to stay at my home right after that so I slept at my sister’s for 2 nights. The second night at 1 o'clock in the morning my husband and gf came to the gate in his gf car!! She told me that he had been lying about them being broken up and she wanted to tell me that because she doesn't like it when the wife doesn't know. I just had to accept it that they would be together.:eek:
    He was all drunk and kept asking for a cigarette.

    The next day I packed all my things and moved out. He was sleeping it off at his gf house so I had the chance. I went back to my parent’s house. He got furious and made everyone crazy with phone calls but I stayed put. I was glad I was out, but I was very depressed I still missed my bf terribly, but my parents had forbidden me to be in contact with him. He had also left the country in fear for his life. Meanwhile my husband and his gf were fighting again.

    After a while my husband started contacting me.
    He wanted me back. He did everything in the book to win me back for 5 straight months and finally I caved in. He promised to change whatever I wanted for real this time and he would start with a clean slate again. I believed him, living with my parents again was a huge step back, nobody in my family was divorced, The guilt over my own mistake.... all these things made me decide to go back to give it a try. Most of my family were strongly opposed to it and after I went back they kind of gave me the cold shoulder.
    But he couldn't keep his promise and a few months later he started with the same things again. I knew my family would not help me again so now I was completely at his mercy. My bf had returned to the country also and we were in contact again, this time we were ever so careful but we didn't dare to meet. One night my husband and I were looking at a porno movie together and my husband asked me if he could see other women but in a controlled way. He would bring them home and I would also participate so it would not really be cheating. He agreed that I could also see my bf in the same manner. After some thinking I agreed because I wanted to see my bf so badly, I would settle for anything. We lived like that for a few years but right from the beginning it was an unfair deal. He decided when the meetings would be, Only when he was "in the mood". I was not allowed to kiss my bf on the lips, I was only allowed to have anal intercourse with him(not my favourite,) and he would watch us when we were doing it, telling us to put my leg like that or so.. He also still had meetings with girls without me but I was not allowed to do that.

    I was very unhappy with my life and felt I was trapped. I did meet my bf alone a few times too but it was too stressful.
    I didn't feel any love for my husband anymore and was so tired of his controlling and drunk behaviour. I wanted out and started looking for a reason. I stalked him and did catch him out with the same girl a few times, but never enough hard evidence that they were having an affair. "We were just talking, so what"
    But everybody was telling me about them. They went everywhere together, places he should be going at with me and the kids.

    My husband stayed away from home almost every weekend and I was not allowed to ask questions. When he came home he was so drunk, he couldn't even walk inside.
    One day he sent me and the kids on vacation to Florida and while we were there we got the message that he got arrested. He was locked up for two years but they never could prove the allegations against him. This was my chance to leave him, so I took it with both hands. I still went to visit him once or twice a week and washed his clothes and brought him food and everything he needed from home but I divorced him and moved in with my parents again. Again I was the "bad wife that left her husband hanging in his time of need"

    My bf and I kept meeting but it still was in secret because my parents didn't approve. Even in prison my husband kept controlling my life and he had another woman looking after him too. She was a "friend" of his. Yeah right.

    When he was released from prison we had periods of NC and C and LC but still he controlled everything. He called me daily to ask everything I did and on many weekends we went for a drive as a family. But I never felt any love for him ever again.

    My bf and I still met in secret. It was stressful and with everything going on in my life now I didn't had much time for him. He began to demand to see me more often, and started to ask lots of money every time, saying he never asked me for money, and now it was time for him to collect on all the years he had been with me, since he wanted to build a house. I gave him over 12,000 bucks already but he kept asking for more. I was going bankrupt. So I took a break from him and during that break he met someone else. He has now been with her for 4.5 months and is already engaged to her.

    So, you see, people can fall out of love. I still love my ex bf, but not my ex husband Noooo.
    Last edited by Tiggerinlondon; 12-23-2008 at 08:31 PM.

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    Wow. I stand corrected indeed. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for the way you were treated all those years. I'm so glad that you made it through and that we have you here with us.

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    It was thanks to my boyfriend and I am forever thankful to him. Also I am an optimistic person. That helps a lot
    Thanks for Reading my loooong story
    Last edited by Silverstar; 12-21-2008 at 06:03 PM.

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    Default Thank you Silverstar

    Thank you for being so courageous, as to share this very personal story with us.

    May the remainder of your life be filled with joy, peace & love.
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    It felt very good to tell my story. I always left out the part of my bf when I told it before to a few close friends, but now I could finally tell it the complete story. It was very relieving and I think I can start my new life now. I will soon move from my parents house into my own house. My new house is almost finished. I think it will be a very good life filled with joy, and peace and love. Thanks for reading it.
    Last edited by Silverstar; 12-22-2008 at 08:32 PM.

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    Silverstar I wish for you the peace, love, tranquility and happiness you so deserve. Thank you for sharing this most painful and personal story.

    New house... "new" beginnings.

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

    HUGS!

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