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Thread: Before Moving In Together...

  1. #1
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    Default Before Moving In Together...

    Wasn't sure where the best section for this would be but I suppose this works.

    So in my case, I've lived with my bf before and the first time we lived together I really didn't give it much thought before hand. I did read around online, my mom talked with me, and I did think about it but not as much as I should have. I moved in with my bf pretty quickly actually. We had only known each other a month when I moved in! I guess part of it was to test things out... he was and still is my first boyfriend and I was curious on how the whole living together thing went as well as just simply wanting to live somewhere that was kind of sort of on my own, away from my mom's for a while.

    After the break up I immediately moved out and he got the new apartment that we were originally going to move into together but he got his friend to move in with him and I took my name off the lease. I was kind of angry at the time but hey, it was necessary in our situation and also his roomate is super cool so that makes up for it. LOL.

    His roomate is kind of temporary though. He just needed a place to stay last quarter and this winter quarter. So he'll be gone in the spring and the lease isn't up until the end of July. So my bf will have to look for another roomate and he's mentioned this to me a couple times. I told him when we got back together that I couldn't just immediately move back in with him and would have to think about it for a while. Good thing is that his roomate has been there for this long now so I don't really have to make any decisions now but by like the end of March he'll probably be wondering what he's going to do about a roomate and rent situation.

    He hasn't brought anything up recently about asking me to move in but since he has in the past briefly I figure I should be prepared incase he asks or thinks I'll move in. Which brings me to why I started this post in the first place. Before moving in... if that is what we both choose, I want to be sure that I have thought EVERYTHING through ahead of time. I don't want to make the same mistake I made last time by thinking about some things but just figuring.. "oh whatever, I'll just test it out." I already did that and I've seen the pros and cons of living with him and ever since August I've seen the pros and cons of living without him. I've also changed a lot since August.

    So now I'm turning to all of you. I want to know all of your opinions. I know that a lot of you will have different views. I'm sure some may think it's bad to live together before marriage and other maybe will think it's good. What is everything you would make sure to think about before and while discussing with your partner before making this kind of decision? Any suggestions?

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    Hey TDG,

    I knew my bf for about one year when I started living together with him. I had just graduated from school and he had just finished his house a few months prior to that. He was already living there on his own for the first time too and I usually spend the weekend with him but on school days I was at my parents home. When I finished school I had vaccation so I brought some stuff of mine over there (clothes, a matress etc) and pretty much didn't think it through just like you did your first time.
    I never went back to my parents and we lived together. A year later we got married because we wanted to start a family.

    I have no problem with people living together before marriage. It's a good way to learn to know each other very well. Living together is totally diffrent then dating or spending weekends together. The mistake I made was agreeing to marriage even though I knew he was totally wrong for me. He was my first real boyfriend and my first in almost everything and I just could not immagine leaving him. I wanted to believe he would change once we were married. You see it all the time here at the LL. People know their ex is no good, but they still want them back. It was something like that with my bf. only he was not an ex at the time, but he should have been. If only I had used my head and listened to my gut, and not listened to my heart. I was just scared to be alone. I was 24at the time. I shoud have left him and found someone better but I was young and stupid.

    My advise... go ahead and live together, but if you see too many problems, don't take it any further. Getting married is a big step and you should be very sure you will be able to live with that same person for the rest of your live. Don't think they will change later, or change yourself for them. You must both be able to be YOU and still like to be with each other for a veeeeery long time.

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    TDG~living together is a decision that is made by you and the partner....we have to live life on what "we" want to do and what is best for "us". Alot of thought should go into making the decision...What do "you" want to come of this? Is it a stepping stone to marriage? What page is he on with you? Is he just wanting a room mate?

    I agree, there are going to be alot of different thoughts on the subject of moving in together. I would advise not moving in together just for the sake of "moving in". As long as you and he are aware of the others intentions, and you both are agreeable and its what you both want then why worry about what others think? Its your life, live it to the fullest, and live it without regrets.

    Whatever decision you make, I wish you both well.

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    I have no problems with living someone before marriage. That said, I also would not move in with someone if marriage wasn't something that we knew was a possibility in our future.

    I feel that way mostly because I have a child and most of the men I date also have children and combining families is a big deal and not something I would do on a whim.

    That said, I'd probably feel differently if I were younger and there were not any children involved.

    Are you living back at home now? If so, would you be welcomed back there if (god forbid), something happened you and find yourself needing to move out? Would your name go back on the lease? If he ended up having to move out, would you be able to afford the place on your own or do you think you could find a roommate pretty easily?

    I really hate to think of all the 'bad' situations, but I'm just trying to think of everything!
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    Quote Originally Posted by JTV2008 View Post
    Are you living back at home now? If so, would you be welcomed back there if (god forbid), something happened you and find yourself needing to move out? Would your name go back on the lease? If he ended up having to move out, would you be able to afford the place on your own or do you think you could find a roommate pretty easily?
    Yes, I'm living at home now with my mom. I know that no matter what my mom would welcome me back if I needed to move out. She did the last time and I know she would if I needed a place to stay.

    I wouldn't put my name back on the lease. His roomate was supposed to add his name to the lease after I took my name off the lease before moving in. His roomate never got around to doing that and I don't think the apartment complex really cares as long as the rent gets paid. So I definitely wouldn't put my name on the lease which is a good advantage. I didn't have my name on the lease at the last apartment either since I moved in after he had been there a month or so and the landlady didn't care that I was staying there. So me not being on the lease takes care of the him having to move out and such because that wouldn't be my problem.

    I think all of you are right on not moving in for the sake of moving in. That is kind of what I ended up doing last time. This time I know better. I would like to move in as long as I knew that it was because we are serious and wanting a future together and possibly getting married. Otherwise there is no point in living together or else I'd feel like I was just there to help out with rent when I could easily just live here at home and pay less rent. We have been together for about a year and a half now and I'm not going to move in if marriage is not somewhere in our future because then it would even be pointless to be in a relationship with him if I didn't think marriage was a possibility. I'll make sure that if he asks me to move in with him that he knows how I feel.

    Thanks!

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