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Thread: Do I Run or Do i try again?

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    Default Do I Run or Do i try again?

    Met this too good to be true guy in Oct. 2008. He seems to fit the criteria of someone one would call the ideal man, affectionate, communicative, attentive, wanting to please, financially secure, kinda sense of humor etc. We talked over the phone and conversations went well. In Nov. we began to date (5 dinner date). After the first date he said that he believes that I am "thee" one. In January he was sent to Cali by his job. He asked me to visit and purchased my ticket I did visit from Feb. 18th thru 23rd. My sister came along because she has a friend who lives there. His feelings from the begining seem to be ahead of mine and yet not too overwhelming. On the third day visiting him, he asked if we could committ and I said I wasn't ready. His mood changed and he became upset (not yelling or nothing aggressive) and said he feels rejected. So for two hours we discussed it.


    The following day, another damper when I and my sister spent the day shopping and at the spa he became upset, thinking that we (he and I) were suposed to be together for that day (he wasn't sure if he would get off early). He insists it was a lack of communication, but he knew I would be with my sister and if he got home at noon, he simply could have called to let me know. Anyway, I became upset because he was upset about what I feel was trivial and did not require anyone being angry. He also said that when he couldn't reach me for an hour he became worried. I do like him, but he like me a whole lot. Other then those two days it was ok. I just felt like I was getting way too much attention and that he was trying to hard to please me. What do I make of this? Is it worth giving it another try?

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    Personally, I have been in both yours and your guy's shoes. I know how he feels, and I also know where you're coming from for the most part. It seems to me that he is investing more into the relationship than you are, and you should definitely make your feelings clear to him. Even if you like him a lot, how fair is it for you to "stay with him" if you honestly from your heart do not see a future with him. That is almost like leading him on. Give yourself time to weigh the pros and cons with being in a committed relationship with him.
    Also, although he loves you, he also needs to understand that the world does not revolve around him and that it's totally okay if you're spending time with others and not him. It would turn out to be a disaster down the road if he is not okay with you and him not spending every moment together. There should be balance in a relationship.

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    Hello!

    Based on your post, it seems that he won't really be able to handle a long distance relationship very well. He couldn't reach you for an hour and he became upset?

    Not only that, but him saying that you're "the one" on the first date is also a bit red flaggish to me.

    How long did you guys actually date before he moved to California? A couple of months? How often did you see each other during that time? What is a 5 dinner date?
    "Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories. But, that doesn't make them any less filled with love." ~ Carrie Bradshaw


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    Thank you for replying tequila_sunrise. After i returned home, he and I had a long discussion about everything that had occurred. He said he didn't mean to react that way or make me feel like he was trying to control me. He understands that our feelings are not the same. As far as us having a future, I have been clear that want us to keep this at a platonic friendship for now and that I have not ruled it out starting a relationship in the future. He is a very kind guy and is willing to accept this. I just want to make sure that there is the right chemistry between us and to see if my feelings will develop for him like his has for me.

    ---------- Post added at 09:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:21 PM ----------

    Sorry, meant that we went on 5 dinner dates. Conversations were good. He is only in Cali from Jan. until May and then he returns local.

    ---------- Post added at 09:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:23 PM ----------

    Yes, it does seem redflaggish. We were spending maybe a couple days a week together before he left for Cali. He seems just a little too anxious to get into something serious and I do remind him that I want to take things very slow, he can/has settle down to accomodate me. Since we have taken a giant step back it could allow me to discover if this will go anywhere.

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    I think it's great that you're being cautious and that you've told him how you are feeling. I say keep the communication open because May is just around the corner! He just seems like the kind of guy that is better suited to a local relationship rather than one that is long distance!

    Even if you two do start something up once he returns home, keep an eye on this behavior.
    "Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories. But, that doesn't make them any less filled with love." ~ Carrie Bradshaw


    "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ~ Semisonic

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    That's good advice and that's exactly what I plan to do. Thank you JTV2008 for your feedback.

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    I also agree that saying you're "the one" after the first date is a little red-flaggish, as does the fact that he became upset after not being able to reach you for an hour, and his insistence that there was a "lack of communication" just because you spent the day with your sister while he was at work. You are not a mind reader, so how were you supposed to know for certain that he would be off early? This isn't generally the behavior of an independent, stable person. I've all-too-often seen things like this develop into more and more controlling behavior until it's just unbearable.

    I'm glad you two have talked about it, and glad to hear that he's backing off a bit and not being so needy. It's always nice to be adored, but I can tell that you also feel that it's nice to have your own space for awhile, too.

    You're doing the right thing by remaining cautious. Hopefully he will understand that you do not move at the same speed he does, respect your need to take things very slowly, and allow you to take any big steps in the direction of a committed relationship only when you're good and ready to do so.

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    Flyallie757~First of all, hi there, and welcome to the LoveLogic!

    In reading this, I am relieved that you also see "red flags"! How can anyone possibly know if "your the one" on just ONE date? Also, the behaviour he exhibited I am sure is not the first time for him. He has made you aware tho from the beginning that he wants a "committed" relationship, he just needs to have more patience...

    As far as your sister and you, I would keep that situation in the back of your mind to fall back on if it happens again...keep your eyes wide open as you do like this guy. Just take things slow.. if it does occur again I say RUN and RUN fast!

    I wish you well~

    xxSPHYNXxx



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    Thank you for the reply xxSPHYNXxx. I agree with what you are saying. I have been in two marriages and I now know what type of person I want in my life. This guy seems to be a good guy with a good heart, but I am going to be cautious before I allow myself to get emotioally invested in someone and getting disappointed. So far, we have talked about things and I feel comfortable about continuing to be his friend and monitoring his reactions/behavior and will go from there.

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    Your welcome....and I will keep monitoring this thread to see how things are...

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

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    Flyallie757,

    Welcome to theLoveLogic. Great to have you with us.



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