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Thread: Fighting, Forgiving and Forgetting

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    Default Fighting, Forgiving and Forgetting

    Since I am back I thought I would share this week's email from Michael Webb . . .

    SECRETS OF BLISSFUL RELATIONSHIPS

    Fighting, Forgiving and Forgetting
    by Michael Webb
    50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships - What the top 1% of marriages do differently

    Most couples fight. And no, it is not healthy for a relationship
    to fight (nor is it healthy to ignore problems in your marriage).
    I need to define "fight." Fighting is not the same as arguing
    your point or disagreeing on a matter. You can argue or disagree
    without losing your temper or fighting. It becomes a fight when
    either tempers flare or one person intentionally tries to hurt the
    other, usually emotionally.

    But the fight itself is not usually what is the most damaging to
    a relationship. Like a wound that is not properly cleaned and
    bandaged, injuries from a fight, if left uncared for can become
    infected and even have the potential to kill a relationship.

    You have probably heard of cases where men or women had a simple
    infection that they ignored that eventually caused them to have a
    foot, leg or arm amputated. Ignoring the wounds from a fight can
    have devastating results.

    If you and your partner have had a fight, here are some ways you can
    "clean and bandage" the wounds so that healing will take place:

    It takes two to fight. So if you have any injuries you are
    partly to blame. There are rarely "innocent" victims. Admit the
    role you played. Try to be the first to say "I'm sorry" for your
    part in the fight, either provoking it or responding to it.

    Deal with the wound as soon as is possible (before you go to
    bed). The longer you let an injury remain wide open, the greater
    the chances of the hurt becoming infected and the more pronounced
    the scar will become.

    Create a peace treaty. Really. Write down promises you can make
    to each other so this same issue will not result in another fight.

    Don't fixate on the ugly wound. Focus on (write down if possible)
    the wonderful qualities of your mate. It is easier to forgive
    those you think highly of.

    Actively love the person you just fought with, even if it is
    the last thing you want to do. Write love notes, slow dance, make
    passionate love, etc. Love is a wonderful ointment that speeds up
    the healing process.

    Pray (together if at all possible) about the situation. Ask God
    to heal you of your imperfections and to heal the pain you have
    caused. Don't ask God to "fix" the other person.

    Once you have cleaned and bandaged a wound, forget about it.
    Don't be tempted to keeping peeking at the injury - it will only
    slow down the healing.

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    Thanks for the article. It's been pretty quiet around here and we always appreciate good articles.


    Thanks MaJik,


    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    I agree with some of this. I think it's definitely good to address the issue right away and communicate about it. It's also important not to keep ripping open the wound and bringing it up even long after it's passed. I think it's important when you reach a snag in your relationship or your marriage that once the two of you have addressed it, communicated about it, and fixed it together, then you need to let it go and move on. That is all very good advice.

    Writing up a "peace treaty" seems to be a little much, almost like "busy work." I get the point, but as long as you both talk and listen to each other respectfully, then it's not necessary. In my experience, what you learn from a fight you take with you whether you write it down or not.

    As a bit of an agnostic, I'm going to object to the prayer solution as inoffensively as possible. Basically, I don't want to make any sort of spiritual force responsible for healing my own imperfections - God or no, it always seems to be taught in both religious and non-religious texts that one of the points of living was to learn to master your own pitfalls, call for help if and when you need it, and be grateful for whatever help you get.

    I definitely don't agree with "actively loving" your mate when you're angry with them, or when it's the "last thing you want to do." I can't quite explain it, but I don't feel like those two will mix very well, and it seems as though you'd be "loving" your partner begrudgingly if you do that. I think you're better off simply saying, "I love you, but we need to fix this now." Then you can have all the fabulous post-fixage loving.

    I apologize if this seems like too much analysis of a small article - it's sort of an automatic thing, since I have to do it constantly when I'm working in school...

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    Quote Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee View Post
    Writing up a "peace treaty" seems to be a little much, almost like "busy work." I get the point, but as long as you both talk and listen to each other respectfully, then it's not necessary. In my experience, what you learn from a fight you take with you whether you write it down or not.
    Hmm. I see what you mean about the peace treaty. I don't think it's necessary to have like a contract written up to be signed and such. LOL. However, I don't see anything wrong with writing down the things that you and your partner agree on for your own personal reference when you're thinking about it or discussing it and such. Doesn't mean to keep pulling it our or anything like that because of course you've already learned from the past and such but nothing wrong with writing stuff down while you're going through it.

    Quote Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee View Post
    I definitely don't agree with "actively loving" your mate when you're angry with them, or when it's the "last thing you want to do." I can't quite explain it, but I don't feel like those two will mix very well, and it seems as though you'd be "loving" your partner begrudgingly if you do that. I think you're better off simply saying, "I love you, but we need to fix this now." Then you can have all the fabulous post-fixage loving.
    Haha. I agree with this too. If the problem isn't dealt with and one or both partners is still mad then it would be ridiculous to actively love them in ways that you don't feel like expressing. It wouldn't make sense.

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    What came to my mind here is someone's tag....Love is free, free is love!



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

    HUGS!

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    haha - I almost pulled the "god" part out of it but I figured it wasn't my writing to be redoing! =)

    As for the peace treaty thing - I think writing things down is good. Actually if there is a problem I prefer to discuss it in writing. If I start talking out of anger my words will come out all wrong and I will say things I don't mean. However, if I take the time to write in our journal (yes, my husband and I keep a journal together) then I can say what I mean without harsh words and we can work everything out without fighting. As a matter of fact I think he has learned if he knows something is really bothering me to go look in the journal. =) But there is also a lot of good in our journals and if we do ever get upset it is great to go back and read and see how much we are still in love after 12 years. =)

    And if I am mad at you - I am mad at you. I am not an actress and I cannot act like I am not mad. I think my madness flares through my nostrils and you can see right through me! haha!

    But the other points in the article were good! =)

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    Majik~

    That is awesome that you and your husband keep a journal "together"...I have NEVER heard of any couples who have done this...

    I bet this is what keeps the lines of communication open, how awesome to be able to write down in a "shared" journal, and to be able to discuss later when your not so angry...

    And the crowd cheers!

    Thanks for sharing~ I may start one of these "shared" journals with my boyfriend, I would rather start one while we are "happy" that way if/when a conflict happens, we can go to the "journal"!

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

    HUGS!

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    ^oh yes! Start it when you are happy! We use LiveJournal.com - Start a Free Blog / Journal Today (although he would prefer a written one, but if it is going to work I need to type. My handwriting is awful!) But we have had one for 3 or 4 years now. It is great to go back and read all we have done and been through and accomplished. Sometimes we post funny stuff, most of it is lovey dovey and some of it is when we have something serious to discuss. I love having it and think it is a great communication tool.

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    Couldn't agree with you more, great tool for communicating....

    Another positive is he can go thru the journal with you and also see what you have
    done, been thru and accomplished!

    Again, thank you for sharing.

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

    HUGS!

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