Just fantastic, Dan. Thank you
I won't bore you all with the entire details of my relationship, as I'm sure most of you have heard it, but what I will do, is try to offer a little reassurance to those of you who are, perhaps, really suffering right now. To those who right now feel that their entire world has collapsed because the one they love so deeply, has left them.
Honestly, 5 months ago I wanted to die. I could never imagine how I could ever feel even vaguely like living without the love of my life beside me. Every hour felt like a day, and every day felt like a week. My thoughts were consumed by her,....constantly. I thought of NOTHING else. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't function. I lost a huge amount of weight and pretty much lost my mind.
I loved her more than life itself, she was my everything. So perfect in everyway,...... You know, it's easy to see everything through rose tinted glasses. I would read post after post about trying to remember the bad things about her,......uhmmm,.....I couldn't,...she didn't have any.
I behaved like a dick, several times, usually driven by my trust issues. One of the biggest things I realised was this: Ok, I became insecure, but, if she was giving me what I needed, I would never have become insecure, right? For a relationship to work, you have to give AND take. She took faster than I could give for sure. Honestly, I can not think of one single thing she actually gave me except insecurity.
The lesson: Do not blame yourself for being insecure - if she/he gives you what YOU need, you would not have that insecurity!!!!
I know everyone stresses NC on here, and initially I was getting pissed off with seeing it everywhere. Why the hell would that help?!?! The only thing that eases the pain is being with her, how can I go even further out of my way NOT to see her?!!? You know what? NOW, I believe that this is a HUGE part of why I am now ok. If I continued to stay in touch with her/see her, I really don't think I'd be feeling much better. Time away gives you perspective, really. Listen to someone who has been where you are right now. Your heart is broken, you want the pain to stop, I understand completely. You need to think of this like a drug addiction, because it is EXACTLY the same. Remove the drug from an addict and they are in turmoil. Giving them the drug will relieve the pain but only temporarily. Staying away from the drug completely for the first month or so is HELL, but after that the addiction loses it's hold,...wow,...you see the light at the end of that tunnel.
The lesson: The FASTEST way to stop your pain is NC.
I'm not saying it's easy, it's not, not by a long shot, but easiER. I felt like utter crap for about 2.5 months of NC. By the 3rd month I was aware that I was smiling again, I didn't need her. Sure, I still wanted her, but I didn't need her. That feeling was so refreshing after so much pain. If you listen to anything on this forum, please, take NC very seriously because it works. Don't settle for some bs friendship request. All or nothing is my motto, and I believe it should be yours too. I want someone who wants me, not someone who may possibly be convinced to want me!! WTF is that all about!!?? Why would you want to live in constant gratitude that they were convinced to be with you?!? Sod that!!! How pathetic does that sound? Yet we ALL do it when faced with so much pain.
I remember a previous ex of mine fell over herself trying to be everything I wanted. She was so totally desperate for me to love her the way she loved me. You know what? She drove me bloody mental, drove me AWAY rather than pulled me to her. SO irritating to have someone like that pathetically agreeing with everything you say! BAH!
The lesson: Never let anyone reduce you to a pathetic idiot - it's not attractive by any standards to ANYONE.
Your heart is badly broken, I know that because you are here, and desperately trying to read something that will bring you hope and comfort you at this bloody horrendous point of your life. I hope that my words can go some way into helping you - SuperDave has some tremendous posts here which bring great comfort to so many,....read them and believe them because they are bang on truth.
I truly believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason isn't clear for quite some time, but there is a reason behind it. For me, I know the reason was lessons I needed to learn about myself. I now understand exactly what I needed to learn. I used to wonder why the hell these life lessons had to be so damn painful,...well, if they weren't so painful, would I have learnt the lessons??? Probably not!
Another tactic which helped (and continues to help!) me tremendously is changing the way I think. I wouldn't allow myself to think negatively,...and hence the pain wasn't as strong. As soon as I let myself think of her and what happened, the pain came back with a vengence. We feel whatever we are thinking,....it starts in the mind. It's impossible to think good thoughts and feel bad, equally as impossible to think bad thoughts and feel good. In despair, I once told my counseller "I just want to fall out of love with her!". She told me I could quite easily. I looked at her in disbelief. She then explained the whole concept of the power of our thoughts.
Check Tiggers GREAT post about thought stoppage here: http://www.thelovelogic.com/forum/co...ought-stoppage
I still love Lorna, I can't deny that, so no, I haven't fallen out of love with her. But the thought tactic stops me before I even let myself dwell on those feelings, hence,...no pain. It's so easy to play victim and go over and over and over it in your head until you've completely driven yourself to the edge, but only you have the power to stop that. Only you can control your own thoughts.
You know, if you and your ex were meant to be together, you WILL be, neither heaven nor earth can stop that. But, in the meantime, you really need to take the focus from them to you. Whatever is happening between you now MUST happen. Why? Because that is the way your life was written and you must go through this so that you can progress through YOUR life. Sometimes we don't understand the meaning of our pain, but we must be open to the lesson.
If you've made to the end of this ramble,...well done If it helps at least one person get through the kind of hell I went through, then it is worth posting.
Last edited by Dan72; 06-09-2011 at 04:52 AM.
Brilliant post i must admit its true what they say advise is better of those that have experienced it and you have ten fold im just entering my seound month without her contact or mine so im doing ok, i feel a lot stronger that i had before then and i still love her but il prefer to love and care for her from a distance from now on,we just brought each other pain trying to remain friends so as i told you guys she changed her number in the end and in the long run did me a favour.
Great Advise Dan,Good Luck in finding the one.
Awesome post Dan. You are dead right about all of it, especially the rose coloured glasses thing. If a relationship ends it's because it WASN'T perfect...and I try to remind myself of that whenever I get down.
I also remind myself of the fact that there isn't just one 'love of my life' potential. There are many people who would suit me.
True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist,
Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.
dan, you are awesome.
i have also been following you from the beginning and cannot believe the transformation. i am so happy to see you feeling so great and so happy to see you sharing your experience with everyone else.
you are quite the inspiration and we love you!
"be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
"live fully today so you won't have to regret tomorrow that you didn't live fully yesterday."
What an amazing post! I too have followed you from day one and I am smiling HUGE to see where you are today. Thank you for sharing, I hope others truly listen to what you posted, it was heartfelt and brutally honest.
Hugs my friend, I am so happy your smiling again!
Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end
Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.
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