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Thread: A Fast Track To Stop Your Pain

  1. #31
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    Bumping for newbies
    -Peace
    Dan

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    great post Dan , thanks for the reminder

  3. #33
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    I am new to this group and i know this post is an older one. But what Dan says is exactly what i am going through now. Its the the early stages of a break up and i managed NC for 2 days then went out with some friends, had some drinks and before i knew it sent 2 texts. One saying i was sorry for making her feel this way about and another saying i miss her. As soon as i had done this i knew what an idiot i was. But i was full of self pity and self hate that i didn`t care. She never replied which is actually good. Our relationship was very one-sided. She was constantly paranoid and jealous. Even when she left me. She sent a text telling me she knew i was with another girl. The more i tried to tell her i was not the more convinced she was. Anyway. I keep NC and my feet on the ground. I realise that this relationship was all about me making her feel good. Difficult to write about these thing in a logical way sometimes. Haydn

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    So I broke NC today. I asked her if i could have my stuff she has. (In a text). I also told her i hope she will be happy and i am sorry that i couldn`t give her the things she needed. She replied. Saying i was wrong to say this. Is there anyone who can shed some light on how to proceed? This pain is unique to me. I never knew this could be so powerful and i feel so drained all the time. I understand the concept of getting over the fear of loss bt how can this really be put into practise. I seen from the previous and others posts that the stronger of you out there are doing it now but only after you made all the mistakes you are saying to try to avoid. When does a moment of clarity arrive?

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    Anyone out there for some advice?

  6. #36
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    HI haydn

    Im sorry to hear you are going through this. TO clarify I think to go through the healing process you do make mistakes... and in life in general, and that's just part of it, it's how we learn and grow as humans. The thing everyone on here wants to help people to do is realize when they make these mistakes, and to not keep making the same ones over and over, as that isn't good for you, and impedes the healing process.

    I hope that helps in some small way.

    nikki
    Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. - Oscar Wilde

  7. #37
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    Thank you Nikki for the reply. I have managed not to do anything silly like contacting her in the last week. It hurts like hell though. I have been thinking how people are able to affect another with love. When i think of our relationship it was always a struggle for me to prove to her that i was hers and was not interested in anyone else. It never worked. I worked harder and harder to put her first all the time and put myself on hold because i wanted her to feel that she was the special one in my life. Her jealousy knew no bounds. I could talk to no one, not go out and every message on my phone was treated as a betrayal to her. I know it sounds like i was so weak!. I was in love and i still am.....So it goes back to what i started with. How do some people have a power to make us just weak at the knees when everything is so wrong for us? If she asked me to come back i would have a hard time saying no and i know nothing would have changed. Even now shes let me go, she still texts me to tell me all the time she knows i have someone else. Its baffling and quite insane at the same time. Please keep writing. Take care. Haydn

  8. #38
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    It does hurt like hell I'm afraid, and it will do for some time, but well done for not contacting her, honestly that is the best way to heal faster. Speaking to her will only bring up more pain and more questions. It sounds to me like she has some serious issues that she needs to sort out, and her not trusting you is not your fault, she has brought baggage into your relationship that she should of learnt to let go off. which is what you need to do now, you will never have all the answers to your questions, all you can do is learn to let go of them.

    Good luck
    Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. - Oscar Wilde

  9. #39
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    What a long read but it was worth it, thank you so much for your advice it is so helpful and i'm relieved to hear that you can still remain in love with them but learn to control your feelings and thoughts so that you can still be happy without them. Thanks Dan


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  10. #40
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    Apologies to Haydn for not responding, I've been on and off the forum due to crazy busy personal life. I'm sure my responding to his post would probably not be helpful now as it was a long time ago.

    So, to KaitlinRosalie, you're welcome

    Oh, and for the benefit of anyone reading the post for the first time, I fell out of love with her around 6-10 months after beginning NC. Honestly, I don't remember the exact time because I suddenly realised that I wasn't thinking of her at all,... and then that when I purposefully did think of her, it didn't hurt. You'll get there too, you really will, but the speed in which you'll reach that point is down to you and your determination not to do the things that will keep you hurting.
    Last edited by Dan72; 05-02-2014 at 01:56 PM.
    -Peace
    Dan

  11. #41
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    How do you get yourself to the NC frame of mind?

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    Hi,

    NC is about letting go of the other and embracing yourself and life again. Focus on yourself, things you want to do and try and explore who you want to be. You're amazing, you're an individual like no other on this planet and you need to nurture yourself to your full potential. When you stop trying to stop thinking about them and start thinking about yourself, you'll be in the right zone.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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    Dan,
    Your post validated what I have been suspecting myself. The reason I feel so insecure is because the person I love won't secure me. If that factor exists, there's no way a relationship can work. You can be in love until you are blue in the face, but until two people are willing to go out of there comfort zones - you will keep on getting what you've always got.

    Thanks for this, Dan!

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    But what if NC isn't an option? My ex and I volunteer at church and work together and we share the same group of close friends. I see him 6 days a week. Idk what to do because it hurts seeing him perfectly fine while I can't let go.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  15. #45
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    Dear HereInSecret,

    Breaking up is like a death. You need to go through the grieving process. Whatever the other person appears to be like, may not be how they feel inside. Remember your focus should be on you and your life, moving forward not looking back. The world is a wonderful amazing place and you can find your path to healing by bonding with others, a new hobby, a few new books, some meditation, eat healthily, exercise, focus on all these and soon, there will be no room for someone who can't love you the way you need to be loved.

    Good luck.

    All the best,

    Annita
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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