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Thread: Can he do this?

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    Default Can he do this?

    Hi everyone,
    My ex husband and I have been divorced for 3 years now but we have not been living together for about 4.5 years. I was the one who left him after a marriage of 16 years (Not counting the 17th year because we were already separated by then.) It was not a pleasant marriage and the whole story is posted on the board as the older members know.

    Even though he had not treated me well most of the time and hurt me so much during our marriage, I admit, I had also made my mistakes. He had such a hard time accepting the divorce, and everything was going bad for him. He got locked up in jail, lost all his big contracts, almost lost his company, lost his family, his good name, his money etc. I couldn't leave him alone in this time and I stood by him. I brought him food and clean clothes and visited him for the one year and 3 months he was in prison.

    After that we remained friends and in the beginning he was trying his best to show me he was a changed man. He would come and pick us up every weekend and take us to dinner in fancy restaurants, and called me every day to ask how my day went. He kept buying me expensive gifts on special occasions like birthdays, mother

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    Wow. I am so sorry about this for you and your children. I cannot believe anyone would do this. He sure sounds like he is making some major plans or already has. You are asking if he can do this. Well I hate to say it but he probably can, legally. However, legally, you can also require him to give you money. Sounds like you guys arranged your financial affairs after the divorce on your own and it worked out for you. My wife and I when we split did the same thing. However, it might be time to revisit the court system and require a monthly payment from him if he is going to just give up and leave you all to pick up the pieces.

    I am in no way qualified to really offer any advice on what he might be thinking or anything. But I do know that it sounds like he shouldn't be able to just walk away like that without haveing to share in at lease the financial responsibility of your children.
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    I am so sorry for your current issue Silver. I would contact a lawyer or an advisor on your rights. I must agree with Rhythm on this one. Find out what you can about revisiting the alimony payments and find anything and everything you can about your legal rights concerning the children.

    We are here if you need us.



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    Lawyer up. I don't think he can do it exactly the way he is thinking he can. Sure he can cut you guys out of his life and not visit his kids.. but he still has to pay child support and alimony if that is what you two agreed upon.


    I think this whole call is supposed to scare you into maybe giving things just one more shot. I think if he were really serious.. he would just do it and not "tip his hand" so much.

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    Thank you all so much.

    I had a talk with one of my brothers and a niece and also a girlfriend of mine and they all gave the same advice. To talk to my lawyer about it.

    I agree with Rhythm. It sounds like he already has made plans. But he denied it when I asked.
    I would have no problem at all with him starting a life with someone new. I would actually be happy because it would mean I would finaly really be free and can move on too, but I really didn't expect him to also forget about the kids and put someone elses kids as a "replacement"
    I really can't believe he wants to turn his back on them, especially our son whom he adored and with whom he was so close. He told him numurous times that he is waiting for him to finish school to take over the company and my son has been taking certain decicions in school based on that and really studies hard to get there.

    I will contact my lawyer tomorrow to at least ask what their rights are. I don't think he will be able to pay any child support as his business is not doing well and he had a lot of big investments these last months that don't pay off yet and maybe never will. (at least that's what he said)
    Legaly forcing him to pay child suport will only make him very angry and he will even be more recentfull towards our kids so if he doesn't want or can't pay I'm not going to force him. I will take care of my kids alone and if it means hardship.. so it will be. We will not die, I will take care of that!

    Luckely my family has offered me support if it really comes down to it and I will also try if I can earn some extra money doing something for myself. Maybe sell flowers or potted plants, or bake cakes, I don't know. My brother said there will alway's be a job for my kids in our family business as long as they are willing to work. So that made me happy.

    I have made my decision too. Even if he doesn't go true with his plan and he wants to make friends with me again I will not accept him as that anymore. If the kids still want to talk to him after this, that's their business, but this was the last straw for me. I'm soooo tired of this man!!!
    I too will start looking for someone new and I will not take any sh't from him anymore.

    Thanks again guys I feel so blessed to have you all to talk to.

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    Yep, still has to pay child support no matter what. Get a laywer.

    What a selfish, selfish man. You don't just walk away from your family when someone new comes along!!!! And yes...you do have look after both sets of responsibilities - if you aquire them. That's life! I would would also allow your kids to tell him how much this hurts them directly - to his face. They are old enough to talk to him about it and he should be talking to them about it...not palming it off onto you

    Terrible behavior. He really didn't deserve any of the nice things you did for him at all. Why do people do this? So sorry Silverstar
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    I'm so sorry you have to go through this, Silver. I agree with Frang - what a selfish man! I feel so awful for your children! Please keep us updated on all of this.

    How can he treat women so badly when he apparently "needs" them to take care of him? I don't get it. He does not deserve your friendship. You have been MORE than generous to him.
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    Silver, I still think that child support might be the way to go in this case because after all he is willing to support an entire new family of strangers basically which he would then be providing a house and other expenses to yet he'd leave his real family behind?! That is just not right. I think going to child support would not be a bad thing at all even with his money issues. I'm sure the court system would figure something out. He is responsible for his children as well.

    I also agree that he is not worthy of your friendship. I wouldn't want to put up with that either.

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    Silver~

    I too am sorry for your situation, huge hug. I too have to agree, you have to get your divorce papers out, see your attorney and get everything legalized. I agree with Rhythm, he may already have plans in how "he" wants things, doesn't mean legally he can walk away without supporting his kids.

    I then am concerned how the kids are going to handle a father willing to just walk away from them. Inexcusable! Please seek help for them if they need it...This is going to be very devastating.

    Again, I am so sorry my friend.

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    Thank you guy's.
    Untill now everybody I have spoken to said the same thing so I am really going to visit my lawyer tomorrow. He is selfish yes, he has always been like that.

    He has showed this behaviour in the past too. Whenever he and I had an argument he would go in NC but he would also do NC on the kids. He has always treated us as if the kids and I are one person. If he is angry at me, he is also angry at the kids...I have never understood that.
    They have not made the choise to leave him. I left him and they had to come along because he was in prison. The divorce was not their choise. Why does he takes it out on them?

    After he was released from prison he only took the kids once or twice to sleep over at his house. He tought it was too much of a hassle because he had never taken care of them on his own before, so he tought it was to difficult. (even though they were not baby's anymore) The youngest was 11 or 12 at that time, big enough to do a lot herself.
    He just had to take care they had 3 meals a day and keep a bit of an eye on them but he didn't want them over alone after that. Only If I came along. Also a way to make sure I didn't have any "childless" nights to meet with my bf.

    Frangi, Good point. I will tell my son after he finishes his exams and with the information of my lawyer I will let the kids have a talk with him. To his face... Like to see his reaction than.

    TDG, I guess he is only willing to spend his money on a family if he gets something he wants in return for it. What we have to offer is not enough so he rather spends it on strangers.

    SPHYNX -I am also really affraid of my son's reaction if he will hear this story.
    My daughter didn't take it well but she can express her feelings and we had a long talk. I will not know how my son will process this since he keeps everything inside.

    Kelley -I agree ... no more friendship for him.
    and Yes..I will keep you guy's updated.
    Thanks again!

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    Silver~

    His patterns have been the same, he doesn't get what he "wants" from you, he punishes the kids. You must remember, he does have legal responsibilites toward your kids, even if he threatens he won't have money to support them when "he" has a "new" family. Once you seek legal advice you will know the laws and follow thru from there.....

    I wish only the best for you and your family. Know we are thinking about you and will support you always.

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    OK, so I went to my lawyer today and she said the same things everyone said.
    It is his duty to pay child support even if he has no money. If he refuses to give me money the way we agreed on first, I should go to a judge and make the papers in order to get it, no matter what. She also said he must tell the kids face to face. That he was acting like a coward leaving it to me to tell them and I shouldn't do it.

    My son has a last exam tomorrow. I haven't told him anything yet so I was supprised to notice his dad called him today and they had a casual talk. He asked about how he had worked with his exams, what he did today, they talked about a soccer game... nothing out of the ordinairy. My son even asked if he could come to his office friday morning because he was going to get a haircut and his dad's office is on the way over there, so after the haircut he wanted me to drop him off there so he could wait there until I could come to pick him up after my work which is also the same way.
    He didn't mind. Even asked if my son would like to go to the interiour with the workers (where he is making a road) to give a helping hand.

    He acted just like always.... This has really confused me now. He hasn't called me or my daughter since monday so it looks like he is keeping NC with the two of us but he still calls his son. (who has always been his most favoirite )

    I don't know what to think now, and wonder if I still must tell my son or take any legal action to get the child support in order.
    I think I will ask him friday for a conference with the 4 of us. And I will ask him to repeat what he said to me in front of the kids. And I also want to talk about the child support thing with him. Should I do that or should I just look what happens?

    I would really like to keep NC with him for myself but I want the kids to know. He told me now what his plans are. God knows when he will do it but I want the kids to be prepared. I also hate it how he always treats his son as if he only has one child. My daughter hardly gets any attention of him and she notices the diffrence. I will also talk about that with him. That is... if I can get him to speak to me.

    I will keep you updated
    Hugs

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    Silver~

    I am glad you spoke to your lawyer and I would follow her advice. I would NOT tell your son, I would leave that for him....as far as what to think, at this point who cares? His words the other night spoke "loud and clear"...so go with what you know, and be very well prepared to protect your children.

    As far as how he is treating the son over the daughter...there isn't anything you can do, they are "his" actions, not yours. continue to be supportive and positive to the kids.

    Don't let his threats/ignorance go unheeded, listen to your lawyers advice...

    Please keep us updated!

    HUGS,

    xxSPHYNXxx



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    Sphynx-

    Today on my way home I was in the car with my son and he wanted to buy some Chinese food. That brought the confo on having to watch my money and before I knew it I asked him if his dad had told him. "Told me what"? he asked and I said that his dad wanted to take a new wife with kids and replace us. That he was not going to give me anymore money and that he wanted to get married to her without a prenub. Before I said the seccond sentence he told me to stop talking but I said the two last sentences anyway with him saying "shut up...I don't want to hear anything"... between it.

    "Why did you tell me anyway" he said, "I told you not to tell me anything" He was angry with me. Than he got out of the car because we arrived at the point where he had to get out, and I drove away to get my daughter from school.

    I know you told me not to tell him too, but I couldn't stop myself.
    So I only said those 3 sentences and I don't know how much he heard of it because he was talking trough it. The rest I'm going to leave for his dad to tell.
    My son has cooled down already and we talk, just not about that subject anymore.

    I hope I can speak to my ex husband friday to ask for a meeting with all of us so we can all say what we have to say.
    Lets see how he reacts to that.

    Keep you posted

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    I still think that was something he needed to hear from his dad and ever though you told him - he still has to hear it from his dad.

    I know NC would be good for you right now - but I am a strong believer that when you have kids together it can't be like that. You have a responsibility to your kids to maintain a healthy relationship and that requires contacting each other.

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