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Thread: Are they just friends?

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    Default Are they just friends?

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months over a woman he is in contact with. She is 15 years younger than him. He and I are the same age. He is close to his ex-wife, ex-girlfriends, and has many female friends. None of that bothered me - except I had a weird feeling about this particular woman. Well, on Valentine's Day, he texted her asking her, "Will you be my Valentine?" He didn't ask me to be his Valentine. In fact, he did nothing for me for Valentine's Day. He told me he didn't believe in Valentine's Day! Then, I was the victim of an assault. He took me to the hospital. While I was in the exam room, he was outside texting her. She asked him to go to a show with him that night, and he agreed. He didn't say, "Hey, my girlfriend is in the hospital and really needs me right now so sorry I can't go," he said "Sure, I'd love to!" He didn't say anything about me to her at all. He also went to a party she hosted and lied to me about going - until a picture of him with her at the party showed up on Facebook. He says that they are just friends and that I am overreacting and I am unreasonably jealous and wrong. I say I have every reason to be upset. I say he's infatuated with her and that his behavior is inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship.

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    Hi, Colima, and welcome!

    First of all, I'm sorry you're going through rough time, but you've come to a great place for support.

    Your boyfriend's relationship with this woman does seem a bit fishy. If there's nothing going on between him and this girl 15 years younger than him, then why does he feel a need to lie to you about it? What's even fishier is that he tries to make it sound as though you're irrational for being suspicious of this in the first place. If he's 100% in this committed relationship with you, then he should have no problem being open and honest.

    One question I have is, how do you know what exactly he said in the messages he texted to her? I can't say I condone going through someone's phone for answers, but if you feel a need to snoop in the first place, then that's a clear sign that something is wrong in the relationship that needs to be addressed. I agree with you that his behavior is completely inappropriate - generally, if you're content in a committed relationship, then you don't feel a need to flirt with other women. If he's going to try to play manipulative games with you and try to make it sound as though it's your own irrationality and "unreasonable jealousy" (i.e., YOUR fault) for suspecting something's going on, it comes across as though he's trying to hide something.

    Bottom line: don't allow yourself to feel as though you're being irrational for noticing his overtly shady behavior. He's using a common technique that people use to dodge the subject at hand - it's manipulative and unfair. Don't let yourself be treated like that.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    I did look at his text messages, because I'd caught him in several lies and I just wanted the truth. I asked him over and over again for the truth, but he never responded. Sometimes he'd act like he had not even heard what I said. He was very upset that I'd looked at his phone - I was very upset at what I found on his phone. I have not spied on other boyfriends - I never felt the need to. What I suspected was proven by my spying. I wish he had just told me.

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    Hi Colima, i'll be brief for now (it's 3 in the morning where i am) but i'll expand my post in the morning ...From my male POV, the truth in this situation is somewhere in the middle between "what you think is happening" and "what he says is happening" ...his behaviour is of a man "on the leash", and this leash it's in 80% of the cases, sex ....yes , at bad as it sounds he's either trying to get her in bed, or already got her in bed once/twice and wants it more, but she's toying him from a distance now....if i'll have to bet , i'll go like 80% on the first one...discard that "she's just a friend" crap , she's a target , no normal male with a girlfriend behaves like that towards a "simple friend" , and tops the girlfriend in the priorities list with the friend (it might happen with a male friend, but not with a female friend)

    [Morning Edit] Again from my male POV (Point of View) , the fact that the girl is 15 years younger than him, is another one that supports my "leash" theory ...an older male acts very strange the moment he receives attention from an younger female ...it's like an late aknowlegement that he is still attractive, that he still has the sex-appeal he had during his younger days ->thus sends him in this "weird acting routine", a good example beeing the "would you be my Valentine" incident...you mentioned that he is still friends with his exes and other women in his life, but then again contradict me when saying that this 15 yrs younger girls tops them all in the attention and availability department...simply put , her existence, behaviour and signs of interest make him feel young again ...call me "pig" , but the guy is on the sex-hunt , and then again , there is a strong possibility that girl doesn't even know you exist in his life , therefor the "hide" stuff routine and the lies

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    Default Thanks to both of you for your feedback ...

    Not going back to him and not feeling guilty!

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    Well i don't blame you Colima...actually i am behind you all the way on this decision ...expect him to come back begging dough once the flame burns it's course and his mind conquers his testosteron rush ....boy , this is one doode that's going to go crazy once that fantasy is over

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    Good for you, Colima, and I think you've made a good decision for YOU!

    It's important to find love, but it's even more important to keep your self-respect.

    Good luck, and we're always here if you need us!
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    i think you've made a great decision for yourself, also. if the trust is so lacking that you feel you have to look at his phone to get answers, it's not healthy.

    i have found that men often don't see the problem in remaining in contact with their exes - this is something that my current bf and i have dealt with for a long time now. what's important is that you feel like he's respecting you and that you are able to trust him.

    always do what's best for you. he would not let someone he loves/cares about walk away over a friendship with an ex.
    "be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."


    "live fully today so you won't have to regret tomorrow that you didn't live fully yesterday."

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    Colima,

    I couldn't agree more with the masses. What part of love involves lying? I think you made the best decision.


    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Hi Colima~

    Not only what part of love includes lying...love should NOT hurt!

    We support you!

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

    HUGS!

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