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Thread: It's Pretty Much a Hot Mess.

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    Default It's Pretty Much a Hot Mess.

    I know it's lengthy but there are many twists and turns to this disgusting situation I have found myself in. Any male insight would be so greatly appreciated.

    For the past six months or so (since early October), I have been

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    Hi there

    Well, what can i say there ...this a sex-ony relationship you are going after , here , or that's the general ideea i get from your post...the only fact that's bothering you is that he's dropped the ball in your court, cutting the sex off the list, this rooting the ideea of "i'm not desirable anymore" in your mind , and this is probbably the cause of your dillema...from my male pov , i think he's just got used to this routine of having everything on the platter sexually , and he's only trying to spice things up with restraints to make the sexual encounters hotter than they were ...the emotional part you mention there is kind of inexistent if you ask me , as reading your post, hey, you felt in love wth the great sex dude, not with the ugly character, and the thought of something serious with this guy never crossed your mind as a priority...also keep an eye open that men usually go for numbers when one thing goes well, so don;t be surprised one day if you find out that he's seeing someone else in the meantime.

    I don;t want to sound harsh , but you are a bit inconsistent there....you complain that you were bothered by him seeing you as a c*m dumpster at one time, but then voluntarely applied on your own for that position when he changed tactics to see if there's any emotional spark between the two of you ....you felt attracted to this flawed guy with all his bad habbits and weird routines, but those "qualities" were the ones that made him desireable in the first time ....for you, the "situation getting messed up by the minute" only comes from the fact that him pushing you away, makes you feel like you are not a sexual attraction in his eyes anymore

    That's my POV , Mike

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    jfnih,

    Hey there and welcome. I have read your thread twice JUST because I did not want to miss anything. From the sound of it, you have yourself a:

    1.) non-commited man that only wants sex
    2.) A man that gives you excuses as to why he can't seriously date you ( I never knew God was lost but I am certainly glad he found him)


    Saying you found God and STILL doing the drinking and 420 is like being sort-of pregnant. It just doesn't happen. What he is doing is plain and simple:

    1.) You enjoy sex and he takes advantage of that
    2.) He doesn't want to commit to you seriously
    3.) He makes excuses or takes off the mask and shows you who he really is yet you keep going back to him (i.e. see reason 1)



    No matter if his friends like you, he will not commit. As far as I am concerned you guys ONLY have a sexual relationship and I would NOT be surprised if he is doing this with multiple partners. When two people breakup and then get "friend-zoned", sex should NEVER come into play.

    The reason is simple:

    1.) If somerthing is freely giving to you, you do not appreciate it as much as something that you have to work for.

    2.) If you get it freely, why should he have to pay for it. (in this case, a commited relationship.)


    You are getting played and you are allowing it to happen. I don;t care what he SAYS to you, look at his actions. You have had excuse after excuse and now he found God? Come on, the only person he is fooling is you!

    The best thing you can do is call his bluff. Take the sex away, starve him so to speak. If he stays with you and still wants to date you, then you have your answer BUT....if he starts becoming "busy" ..or doesn't return text or phone calls...you have your answer.


    Stand up for yourself. Despite loving the sex, you need to make a choice. Either stand up and SHOW him you are not his sex machine or do exactly what you're doing and get the same results.


    Go with what you know...NOT what you assume or think you know.



    Good luck,


    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Well...he cut off the sex, not me. So there's no way for me to take it off the table. It's already been long gone.

    And after a short while I DID tell him it didn't matter if he wanted to have sex again or not because I wasn't into being jerked around and subjected to his stupid whims. If we were having sex with no strings attached then I shouldn't have to deal with his feelings about it.

    I never revealed this to him, but that was all just an act. If he wanted it tomorrow, I would probably give it to him. Well, until recently when I started to realize I wasn't getting anything out of this.

    And you are wrong. I am certain I was the only girl he was being physically intimate with. For numerous reasons. (Not like I was being faithful or monogamous to him...ever.)

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    Hey there and thank you for your reply. Why do you think he cut off sex with you? Did God tell him to? He cut it off because he feels guilty? If you keep giving hom what he wants ( and what you want apparently) and expect him to stay in a loving relationship, who are you fooling? What part of love is there in this situation? I only hear about sex and having BOTH your needs taken care of. Regardless of his friendship, you are settling for what he is giving you. Sex is one thing but sex in a love relationship is AMAZING.

    I am not here to criticize nor judge. I am only here to voice my opinion and NO you do NOT have 100% proof he was loyal to you. I don't care what you THINK you know...you are assuming. If he can't commit to you, it means he doesn't love you ENOUGH to want to be with you EXCEPT sexually. Tell me why you assume he cut sex off with you? I can almost guarantee this celebacy WON'T last.

    He won't be able to resist the temptation....


    I hope I am wrong.




    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    He's a complex person. I have no idea why he cut off the sex. He maintains he's stopped so that he can become a better person. My response was...thank God my road to spiritual enlightenment has never steered me down the path of abstinence. lol

    I didn't assume he was being faithful to me. He assured me numerous times he was...without my prompting or hinting. (Physically at least...like I said, we were both openly dating other people.) If I were a totally cynical b*tch, I would be a bi more suspicious but that's not how you can happily function in a relationship or life in general. At the end of the day, I don't really care if he was banging other girls or not as I was biding my time with other men regularly. What really mattered to me was that we were still having sex to be totally honest.

    And I'm not really hell bent on saving sex for when I'm in a loving relationship. He falls into that category more than I. Perhaps that's what's with the sudden celibacy.

    ---------- Post added at 11:20 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:15 AM ----------

    Let me reemphasize...

    If it were just about sex for him, why would he have said numerous times he hopes to continue our friendship once we can no longer have sex?
    Why would he have cut the sex off?

    And, since he has decided we can't be physical anymore, I've stopped initiating conversation with him or asking him to hang out. Yet, he's still texting me every couple days and I see him 2-3 times a week still. Why would he do this if he didn't sincerely want a friendship?

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    Do you want his friendship or a realtionship (a commited relationship) or both?


    I just want to be clear.



    Thanks,



    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    I was kinda hoping you could read my actions and then tell me...

    Because I'm totally effing lost.

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    HAHAHAH....well do you feel you are falling in love with him or merely like his company? I can't assume ANYTHING about how you feel.


    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    aww! jfnih! unfortunately, only YOU know how you feel about this guy. i know sometimes it can be confusing, but if you do a little soul searching, you'll find out if this guy is merely a crush or something more
    "be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."


    "live fully today so you won't have to regret tomorrow that you didn't live fully yesterday."

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    I don't know that "falling in love" with this guy is even an option!!

    We didn't work out for a myriad of reasons. Most importantly though is his emotional distance. Obviously he's hard to read or else I wouldn't be scouring the internet for insight into my own love life. lol

    I know he's had plenty of serious relationships in the past but, for the life of me, I have never been able to envision myself as one of the girls able to appreciate (or tolerate) what seems to be his behavior in a relationship.

    I sincerely appreciate his company. He's funny and we do see eye-to-eye on a lot of things despite the fact I've dogged him out pretty well thus far. He's not completely idiotic but he definitely has his moments. He frustrates me beyond explanation.

    And Suzie, I've been searching for answers as to whether I feel seriously enough about him to want to be with him but, based on my past behavior, I would say no. I guess I never really gave us a fair shot to begin with. But it's too late now as I think he's already written me off as someone he's not wanting to attempt a relationship with again.

    Like the title indicates...it's a mess.

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    Let me try another question...what would make you the happiest as far as this situation goes?


    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Well, I've considered that as well.

    I suppose what would make me happiest would be for us to re-attempt a relationship. Not because I think it would work out really as much as because I need to reassure myself that he's not "the one." Undoubtedly, curiosity has killed all of my cats and will probably kill this one too.

    I just can't keep pondering the what if's of this situation. It's too much. Of course, many of the what if's revolve around...what if he wasn't such a prick.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jfnih View Post
    I just can't keep pondering the what if's of this situation
    You are NOT alone on that one.


    We have all been there in some form or fashion. This is natural when you start to see potential in someone being your partner yet they never see the same thing(s). I was guilty of this years ago yet the ONE thing that have never steered me wrong ( thought it took me a while to understand it) was that Actions speak louder than words.


    If someone wants you in their life, they won't just tell you, they will make an effort to see you and spend time with you. I was so guilty of not seeing people for who they were. I saw them for who I wanted them to be. When people start dating, I believe they are on their best behavior. When the hook is set, the masks slowly come off and then you truly begin to see them for who they are.

    This was difficult for me to understand years ago because I just chalked this up as "they changed". The truth was they didn't change..they just showed their true colors.


    Go with what you know. Never assume anything when it comes to love. Those that want to be with you will make an effort to see and spend time with you. Just be sure it's for the RIGHT reasons.


    Remember, you can't make a realtionship work with only ONE person. Thanks for posting.


    Take care,


    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Call me crazy or whatever you want , but i still bet a few beers that this attraction is stictly sexual , and the reason for your dillema comes from the fact that you are feeling hurt and undesired...when someone doesn't want you in bed anymore it means he's just not into you anymore , so he befriends you (as a rule, aldough guys tend to linger around to contradict this one , friends don't have sex).

    Not beeing mean in any way , but that's just the way things pop up in my end

    Cheers, Mike

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