Bump for the newbies.
After days of not speaking to one another the silence is broken as the phone begins to ring. With each ring your heart starts to beat faster. You can feel the nerves in your stomach begin to tighten as the mind begins to slowly panic. “It’s her”, you silently tell yourself. After taking a deep breath, you slowly and cautiously answer the phone. “Hello….hey….I don’t want to fight anymore. I love you and –“ you begin but are cut off with the words you hoped and even prayed you would never hear. “So you are giving up on us? After three years you just want to give up? What about us? What about all the plans we made? ….I can change!! I know I can. If you would just listen a second….” The phone falls silent. All the memories of three years begin to flood your heart as the tears slowly begin to flood your eyes.
Regardless of how your breakup occurred it hurt. Sometimes there are those that let foolish pride stand in the way of love. The need to be right conflicts with logical reasoning which in turn makes things even worse. You are seen as selfish as well as unloving. Breakups are never easy. No matter how much time has transpired, the heart as well as ego hurt in unison. The feelings of not being attractive, wanted, needed or the idea that someone else has come along can weigh heavy in your heart. You start to over-analyze every word, every action, every time your ex came over late or was too tired to come over. You begin to think so much that you lose sleep. When you do end up in bed, your mind just won’t shut off. Your mind begins to think of all the good times together. You go over in detail how you met, the first time you kissed, the first time you made love, the trips; the holidays together…..the thoughts just won’t turn off.
Then you mind and heart dig deeper….
You begin to envision the last time they said they loved you. The thoughts of the late night promises and plans you made together begin to tear at you and your heart aches because of it. You try to convince yourself that they will be back. You assume they hurt just as much as you do. You hope they do. If you found out otherwise you would possibly feel worse than you already do right now. The nights seem to stretch for days. The mind is a funny thing, yet it can cause your body to react to things it assumes is the truth if you convince yourself otherwise. Time seems to stand still.
Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible but not because of lack of sleep but because your body is yelling “what’s the point”. If you do manage to get out of bed you typically find your morning thoughts to be of your ex. The thoughts begin to come slowly at first then they hit you all at once like a fist to the gut. Where do they come from? How do you make them stop? What are they doing? What are they thinking? Do they miss me? Are the coming back? What did this happen? Do they still love me? Do they see a chance down the road for us to get back together? Are they ok? Should I call to make sure they are alright? There are millions of questions you don’t have answers to and the assumptions start to kick in after days of silence. When one starts to assume, you make terrible, regrettable mistakes. When the simple trust could be that they just fell out of love with you yet you assume it was because of something you did or didn’t do, you begin to panic. You start to believe if they left you because you did or said something or maybe had a small argument that you could possibly apologize and have them back in your arms in no time. A sense of peace may calm your nerves for a short while yet it is short lived when the harsh reality of being alone sinks in.
The idea of your ex knocking on your door and throwing themselves at you in a moment of uncontrolled love is idealistic but not viable. It may work in the movies but not in reality. The more you assume you ex will do something such as call, write, text, email or come over; the more you will be setting yourself up for disappointment in the end. Sure they might call, but when? Is there a time limit? Is there a common knowledge or proper protocol that ex’s MUST follow in order to appease their ex lover? I think not. The more you expect something if ANYTHING from you ex, the more you will be waiting for something that may never come to be. Just because you wait doesn’t mean it will come to you. For example, you might want be a CEO of a Fortune 400 company but if you do NOTHING to achieve your goal, what is the probability of it becoming a reality? We cannot predict what others will do, say or feel. The more we assume, the more we do not know the truth. The more we do not know the truth the more we panic. The more we panic the more mistakes we make when it comes to ended relationships.
The thought that someone else could come along and reap the benefits of our hard work can be devastating. All of our time, love and future plans together destroyed in seconds can get the best of us if we let it. How can they be doing this to us? The truth be told is that they didn’t do anything to you, they did it to themselves. Even if your partner cheated on you, they did it to themselves and you are collateral damage. The more you give your ex power, the more you will not be living your life. If you wait for your ex to “do” something such as contact you or ask you out, you will be in a holding pattern. You will jump when the phone rings or possibly stay home in case they drop by or get online to chat. Why would you want to put your life on hold for someone that just walked out on you? If someone left you why on earth would you wait and see what happens? It’s because we hold on to what once was and the way they WERE when they were with us. We hold on to the love that ONCE was. We hope and pray that they somehow change their minds and run into our arms once again. Sure this happens in the movies and on rare occasions it does happen in reality but not without time and more importantly change.
How do we change? Why should we change? Do people really change in order to be loved by another? I guess it really depends on the logic behind the word change. If you assume that someone will love you just because you do this or look a certain way or believe this or that, how is this any part of love? To give up your own self-respect in order to be loved by another with conditions, is absurd. Love is patient, love is kind I say. I often use the phrase “See me , love me or F- off” All I mean by this harsh use of the English language is that I don’t have time to settle for those that refuse to give me the love and respect I deserve. I have found that in my 38 years that there are those that enjoy the power that you give them in order to manipulate. When someone knows for a fact that you will “always be there” how can they miss you? How can someone miss what is always there? The mystery is gone. It would be like running downstairs Christmas morning to find EVERY PRESENT unwrapped. Sure they are gifts but the excitement is the guessing or mystery of what it is. Relationships are NOT GAMES. There are so many that believe “If I DO this…they they will DO this.” If you “change” who you are and show them you have changed, you might expect them to love you because you DID what they asked you to do. I disagree with this 100%. I believe in compromise. Now in all honesty, years ago I was a marionette in my ex’s hand. She could say or do anything and I would not want to upset her. How foolish of me looking back but I learn from it in a HARSH way.
People love you because of the way they feel when they are with you. If you present yourself in the beginning of the relationship of something you aren’t then they are going to expect the person you’re not all the time. When we begin to date, we are on our best behavior. We tend to over-do it a little. The phone calls, the up until 2am conversations, the walks, the hand holding and the “Whatever you want is fine” line. As time passes and the chase is over, the need to impress is not longer a factor at least maybe in your eyes. Since I am writing this from a male point of view you can understand that men get lazy. I am not afraid to say it because I have been guilty of this myself in years past. When this happens, the masks as I call them come off. You show your true self. You present yourself as YOU rather than the person you wanted them to think you were. This is NOT always the case. There are times when people are who they are. How do you know the difference? Actions speak louder than words.
There are some out there in the world today that believe their ex owes them something after a break. I am not referring to money (this time). They have this false idea that just because they spent their time, love, affection and respect for someone that they magically assume that they are owed. What exactly they think they deserve is beyond me. For those foolish enough to think an ex owes you anything (unless we are talking money) you are only fooling yourself. If you worked in a company for 10 years and you were fired because you lacked on your performance for the past 2 years, does the company ask you what they owe you? Do they ask you what it is you need in because of tenure? I think not. Why would someone owe you? If you have this sense of entitlement, you’re not being loving you are looking for someone to respect you that has just rejected you. I suggest you get off your power trip because the person you want to respect you just walked out on you. That is a harsh reality to face but you can’t get blood from a turnip either.
After a break, you tend to badger your friends over and over. We have all been there. We ask our friends rhetorical questions and expect answers. We tend to say the same thing over and over yet we are mostly presented with this answer: “If it was mean to be..” What kind of answer is that? That isn’t an answer; it’s an open ended comment. Of course if it was meant to be it will be! It’s not that it doesn’t fit in this particular situation, it’s that it is over used and clich
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle
My gratitude to this site, and thank you Dave. What a priceless resource of wisdom, every day I read something new and learn something...
I'm starting to realize that this break-up happened for a reason, so I can take a long hard look at myself, something I never did. I always looked and acted like the blond bombshell and that was enough to cater for my ego and all my needs. In my previous relationships everyone catered for my needs, and I just took what I wanted until I got bored, and then walked away... Until the time came, and it took a man 12 years younger, with a magnetic personality and a lot of issues to get me off my throne, learn some humility, learn to look beyond the looks and dare looking inside of me... and yes, I have been avoiding that for years. Now it's time to clean the skeletons in my closet. I will pick a few phrases above, that trigger the light in my mind (enlightment :-)))
"People love you because of the way they feel when they are with you."
Not that this is something new, but I never reflected upon this idea. My baby said it probably on our first date, in his words: you don't fall in love with another person, you fall in love with yourself, they way you are when you are with that other person. It made sense to me. What I didn't realize is how hard that's gonna hit me a year later...
Over the course of this year he tried to break up a few times, but somehow ended up coming back. During these "quasi-breakups" I panicked and thought and panicked then thought some more. The same question came up "why"? Why him, and why like this? I was married twice, one common law, and about 3 longer then a year relationships and a lot of short term dating... Never anything so powerful, never like this... Why? It is not really him, but his effect on me. So it's ultimately me. The way I feel is when you stand on top of the tallest mountain, take a deep breath and feel an infinite sense of awe. And this not once or twice, but for the one year and 4 months all the time... That sense of awe diminishes with lack of contact, increases with contact. And yes, it is the greatest with physical contact. So I look at myself, what the hell is going on? What kind of brain chemicals get triggered in my brain, because they do and I am sure addicted to them. I am energetic, almost in a state of high all the time, I feel 10 years younger and I feel I can do anything, conquer anything, I'm physically strong and metally sharp, emotionally deep, it's crazy crazy crazy... But it's not him. It's me. He is just the trigger, the ONE trigger in my whole life. I like myself the way I am when I am with him. I love myself with him, I'm like wow... And here is the catch - when I'm without him, everything collapses. I'm down, I'm old and I'm bitter. Hopeless, directionless, I suck... Ssoooo.........
A good friend of mine - who is not a friend anymore, he is actually an ex who loved and respected me and treated me the way i deserve it, but whom I was never able to love, because he never made me feel like this - he said that it's all about brain chemicals and habits, that everything can be reprogrammed.
He'd be pleased to read this, he'd say, see I told you...
I don't like the idea of brain programming. I like the real thing just like the Surfer Dude (if you saw the movie...) But today, for some reason, I made a conscious posture adjustment - feel free to laugh - I held my head up high, chin up, neck long, straight spine, and it wasn't so difficult, it actually felt natural and by the end of the day I got used to it. Honestly, I don't know why today - I knew this all along that if you put on a fake smile for long enough, or you starighten your slouching position, your brain chemicals will change to match the association to that posture. Meaning your brain is used to the association of smiling face to happy feeling, straight posture to empowered and confident feeling, versus say slouching and feeling blah... And tonight I feel so much better, I feel a bit as if we were still together... I mean we said we will be "friends only" but he came for two weekends in a row and broke that and than of course promised that never again... but that was enough to give me this sense of "yeah I'm irresistible" and started to stand straight with chin up, and man, tonight it don't matter if we're together or not. I have to maintain this feeling of high on my own... It's part of me somehow, and his bubbly personality just pulled it out of me, and I became bubbly and funny and all. Well that is what it is. I didn't like myself before, and I wanna be like I am with him, always... Man what a task... I was always prone to depression and to see the glass half empty (just like he does it now...) and maybe I came into this relationship to learn that I have to stay upbeat on my own or I'm gonna get old and buried in loneliness and obscurity...
How about him... WE had great times but I often saw him staring in front of him with these clouds in his eyes, desperate for something, and so often say "what am I going to do with my life?"... And often turn away and look for space and privacy... Bottom line, he didn't feel the same way about himself as I did. I did not trigger or inspire him to feel good about himself, and maybe that was one of my mistakes. He is insecure and was looking for some security and I gave him some, but have not given him direction - plus it's not mine to give it to him, he has to find his own path - bottom line - I did not inspire him enough... Why not? Because I have anough insecurities myself... Interesting... But on Saturday when he was here, something was different. He looked charged, hopeful, and I was uninhibited and told him what was on my mind, without holding back and worrying if I'm saying the right thing or not - so he called righ after he left, he text messaged me, he called next day, he said I should have gone to Wasaga Beach with him and his friend - as friends - sure, I'll go with him as friends as he wishes cuz he won't be able to resist me for too long anyways, in fact I will strategize and if he approaches me I will reject him playfully saying we're friends only... And payback time is gonna come... OMG sorry I'm now over the top and very tired...
Sorry about this humongous post but thabks so much for letting me share, it clears my mind, clarifies so many things for me, it's awesome...
Great post Mayah!!
Very recognizable. As if I had written it myself. Your whole story is a lot like mine. I'm also recovering from a break up with a younger man. (The age diffrence was even bigger in my case)
We were together for 10 years, but we didn't live together. We have been split up for about 1 year now and it's only now that I'm starting to get over him bit by bit. He is engaged to someone else but he is very unhappy because she is still involved with her ex. We are in LC and he has been talking about leaving her and coming back one day for months now, but I'm not waiting or hoping anymore and the next time he calls, I want to tell him that he can't come back to me even if he leaves her.
I'm finally strong enough to say that to him.
I wish you lots of strength Mayah, You will see that you will have good days like these but you will also have bad days again. The good news is, that the good days will slowly become more and more and one day you will be able to move on.
Keep updating us, I really like your posts. You write so well. A real pleasure to read them.
You must keep your memories, but you must not keep living in the past.
thanks for your kind words. You were right, it's up and down all the time. As the reality of our separation sinks in and as I am starting to accept it, there is this deep sense of sadness. I'm not fighting it anymore, not panicking, not wondering whether he is gonna call or not, if he still loves me or not. In fact, as I cut my expectations, he does call me and looks me up on MSN for a brief chat, which is nice, knowing that in a way he cares.
As I am giving up on us, I initialize less contact and so he often asks where I am, what I'm doing, as he is used to me logging in at specific times. He even bluffed one day he asked me if I went out on the weekend, and when I said no, he said someone saw me at the club. He is very jealous and he is not capable of trusting anyone. He's got a lot of issues, and I am caught in some of them. Some of my actions are directed by me making sure that he won't think I'm out with someone, and I know this has to stop. While he says that I should find a better man, I know he will have a hard time dealing with that reality. And the same applies vice versa...
I've been fighting depression this past week, I'm scared. I fought and won a 3 year battle already, came clean from medication, and now it's going in that direction again. My energy has been unbelievably low, I don't have the strength to clean my place, going to work is a drag, anything I can postpone I will, I do everything last minute just to get away and I want to curl up into a tiny ball, close all my senses and just not be, just hibernate... I'm pushing myself to go to fitness classes, I prepaid for 10 just so it motivates me to go or I lose my money... It's a tough tough journey. I can't think, can't see what's ahead of me, I'm not motivated to do anyhting or enjoy anything... And I really don't want to become this bitter old person... I'm just hoping this will pass somehow... I don't know how far I should be distancing myself from him, so far couldn't get myself to decide on N/C, contact with him is till soothing, we might go together to Wasaga Beach with friends in two weeks, and again he pointed out that "as friends only" and I want to look my best for then, and I know if I decide to go N/C, then I will be looking forward to a long lonely summer -well it's very complicated, life of an immigrant when you don't have family and you just didn't manage your network properly and end up without friends... The same applies to him, he is isolated and unhappy - I wish he would see the way I see it how much we need each other, and how perfect we could be for each other - if of course he wouldn't see the age difference and my kids such an obstacle... Oh well...
I have to have a coffee now and start catching up with everyhting I neglected before it ends in a disaster... Thanks for listening.
Welcome to theloveLogic. Great to have you with us and I thank you for the compliment. I really appreciate it. If you have any questions about our forums, please do not hesitate to ask.
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle
This was a truly inspirational piece. I have been feeling extremely down over the past few days... ok maybe even a great part of last week... It was Thanksgiving here in Canada and while I take the time each day to thank God for what I have, I keep praying for the one thing that I don't currently have... I never ask for money or even health (maybe I take those 2 things for granted.. not suggesting I have money of course), but I have recently asked for my love back... I am beginning to think, I should start asking for MYSELF back and better yet, ask for a better ME moving forward...
The past few months has been extremely difficult.. I have gone through all the bad mistakes and phases... the lack of sleep, appetite... pleading, begging, via text, emails, and even in person... just like what you and many have said before -- they don't work... not because she doesn't love me, but she has chosen not to be with me... at least for now.. and who knows about the future.... she doesn't and I don't either...
These posts have been uplifting and this site has helped me a great deal!! There are so many people out there that are ready and willing to support and provide advice... It's truly God's effort at work!!
Thank you SD and so many others for helping others like me out there... It's truly humbling... I would like to return the favour some day when I can admit that I have learned and healed!!
THANK YOU. I love this site and the amazing and ever supportive people on it! This article is another one that I'll save on my computer and re-read it loads of times. Thanks Dave! Lots of love from India!
Ships are safe in the harbor. But thats not what ships were made for.
Once you've experienced new heights, you can't go back to the old, boring you. Keep raising the bar!
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