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Thread: Is it a lost cause?

  1. #1
    CarlB78
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    Default Is it a lost cause?

    My story...

    My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have 2 wonderful kids. We set our date for may of next year. Now I admit I have been far from perfect in this relationship, I used to be a heavy drinker and it nearly cost her before. I now have it under control and have changed a lot of my behaviors.

    A year ago I lost the job I had and was in a rut, it took me 3 months to find a job and it took its toll on us. She had discovered myspace and began flirting through there. I stumbled upon this after it was getting serious and she was making plans to see the guy. I confronted her about it and were going to take a break to fix things. A matter of circumstance kept us together and we worked on things until 1 day after getting hints from her, I popped the question. She said yes and life was great.

    Fast forward to today. Recently I have suspected she is again heavily chatting online and have asked her about it. She said its nothing serious and that she doesn't want to meet them and said she doesn't want to do anything to hurt our friendship. Well, last week my son told me a friend of moms visited and I asked who. He said chris. I asked her about it and she quickly jumped the question saying it was someone else. When asked about other things she always looks away and gets ridgid in her body language, so I know something is up.

    Well last night, we were joking around and asked her about her pj's. She said she had to change them because sauce from dinner was splattered on them. So today while she was at work I was going to pretreat them so it doesn't stain too bad, but there was nothing on them. But they did have that smell of some funny business is taking place (if you catch my meaning).

    I love her dearly, but I don't know where to turn to now, because if I confront her about it, she will deny it and give me the same BS before. I have even thought telling her me or him, but am in a dilemma as to what to do if her answer is him, even though I know that she would lose the house we just got together.

    Any thoughts are welcome.

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    Hello Carl

    The main problem i see there is the fact that when the initial "myspace threat" showed up , the situation wasn't dealt with properly (aka communication -> both identifying the factors that led to the other one's reaction ->commitement on both sides to resolve the personal issues that the other partener pointed out) , and it was only a matter of circumstance that kept the two of you together (as you put it)...and this is why (in my POV) the situation repeated later on, as you are facing it again...in my experience in social dynamics, people have a tendency to regret the things they didn't do, and not the things they did ...looking away and rigid body language are usually signs of defensive behaviour and avoiding communication, so you are right there , but smelling pijamas taken out of the laundry basket and expecting them to smell fresh is a bit of a stretch (i say)...

    From my POV, the existance of kids is a factor that drives the conclusion to this situation to a faster resolution ...no child deserves growing up in a home where his parents are constantly playing "cops and killers" one with the other and children are very sensitive in sensing general affectionate attitudes between parents, this modeling their personalities at an early age to reprercusions later on...you should meditate an the situation at hand, objectivly think about the aspects in her behaviour that you think are bringing this relationship to a halt, and then paciently bring them into an open discussion (not a monologue) with her...when i say "objective" i mean the concrete facts only (ex: Chris made a visit =concrete, sperm on pijamas is just a speculation on your side with 50/50 chances of beeing real)...throwing accusations is not an answer here if you want this to work out, and you must have the patience in bringing the problems up in front of her, so that you won't get BS, but her side of the story...it might hurt, but point it out that you aren't carefree teenagers anymore, but parenting responsable adults, and asking for sincerity leads to identifing galvanizing factors

    Mike

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    Man I got to admit your suspicions sound really on point. I think you have to confront her about it and tell her that you need the truth. Something is not right and you have to fix this before you get married. Tell her that even if something is not going on (because she might just deny it again) that you are not happy about her online chatting with guys and having guys come over to the house (especially when the kids are home - what is she thinking!!!). That is definitely a point that needs to be addressed.

  4. #4
    CarlB78
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    Well had a long talk with her about things the other night. But I don't think it did any good. My gut is still telling me to get ready to be a weekend dad. She gave me more BS answers and wants to push the wedding date back again.

    But whatever. I'm tired of the fighting, the hurting, and the lack of honesty from her. I'm throwing in the towel.

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    I'm sorry to hear this Carl
    It shows that she lacks the maturity needed when engaging in a marriage commitement

    If you can recall (in general lines) the discussion and her answers , you can post it here an get some insight from my fellow members here (and myself) based on the ideas/motives behind her words

    It's sad that it seems the only thing she learned from the previous argue, is that you won't have the strength to leave, and not that you lowered your guard for the sake of a beautiful relationship

    Mike
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    I'm sorry for your situation Carl.
    It really looks like she has fallen in love with someone else. I don't think you can do anything to make that stop, love is a very powerful feeling and the more you are going to restrict her from seeing this other guy the more she is going to want to be with him. Even though she is doing something very wrong it has allready gone too far. I don't think you should consider marriage at this point anymore. Mariage will not save the relation.

    I think the only thing you can do now is take a break from eachother. Sometimes it's neccasary to make her understand what she will loose if she really doesn't stop. As long as you are there she will have the bennefits of both you and him. Lets see if he is still as much fun when you are not arround anymore...I don't think he will like it if he suddenly has to take care of a woman with two kids. My thoughts are he is just in it for the fun on the side and he will run once he has to be there fulltime.

    I feel really sad for the kids. But they will understand it wasn't your fault and I hope you will keep in good contact with them.

    I know you don't have any concrete proof she is seeing someone else but you have concrete proof she is chatting too much with (an) other man and even though you have asked her too stop she continious so you can say that is the reason you want a break.

    You have to understand the break can go two ways. She can come back to you or you will loose her completely but if you stay you are kind of showing her you are accepting her behaviour and she will continu and you will live a life of hurting.

    I wish you lots of strength and I hope she will come to her senses.
    Hugs

  7. #7
    CarlB78
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    Well a little update. Things are going better now. She finally realized that these guys she been talking too and such only wanted to get in her pants then split. With her seeing the light (which I tried to warn her about before, but as they say "you can lead a horse to water....") And since then she has been cheerful around me, talking about the wedding again, and wanting to spend time with me again. Thanks all for listening and giving me advice. Hopefully things keep going on the up and up.


    Love to chat more but my son found the electrical panel and gotta figure out why the kitchen lights aren't working anymore (yes the breakers are on). Yay for being a general contractor once upon a time.

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    I'm so glad things worked out for you. Good luck with your future. Come see us sometime and give us an update.

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