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Thread: Am I overreacting?

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    Default Am I overreacting?

    A few months ago my boyfriend cheated on me after two years together. It went on for 3 months before I really found out. I was heart broken. Since then I left him and we got back together. He promises that he has changed and things have been going great. It is still very hard for me to trust him but I am trying. Today I found that he has been watching a lot of porn. It upsets me because I am trying to trust him again.. When he cheated I felt like I wasn't enough for him but I have never denied him of anything, I always give him what he wants in bed. Now I find out about this porn and I am wondering why he would feel the need for that when I always give him what ever he wants. I enjoy sex and we try anything he wants, I just don't get why having me isn't enough. And how does he expect me to trust him?

    Thanks for your time

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    The porn isn't really the problem my friend. Its the trust issue. And that is one of the hardest things to overcome.
    Because without trust you are dead in the water. I am not laying the blame at your feet because you were not the person who stepped outside of a committed relationship to sleep with someone else. Not once or twice, but for three months.
    But unfortunately you are the one who has to deal with the aftermath. You are the one that always has to look over your shoulder and second guess his actions.
    And I am by no means an expert here but I will tell you that trust is the foundation of any relationship and you will need to find a way for both of you to get into a situation where this is achievable, or your relationship will end.

    Ok I just reread your post. And I will play Amatuer-Psychologist for a moment:
    I wasn't thrilled with the "we try anything he wants" line.
    What about you?
    Maybe it was just a throwaway line, but it kind of sets the tone for the whole post.
    Okay I will move out of the way and let the experts take over. ;)

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    Hi Cole, welcome to the Lovelogic,

    Your story sounds a lot like my story and beleive me I know what it is to be in your shoes.
    Once the trust is gone it is sooo hard to get it back.
    I agree with Hunter that watching the porn is not a threat to your relationship. Most men do it and I don't see any harm in it. Any chance you can watch it together?. It's more fun together, try it, you'll see.

    I read your profile and saw you have a one year old child. Kids that age can be a handfull because they just learned to walk and need constant attention. Maybe you are to busy with your child or to tired at night and he feels left out or lonely?

    Try some alone time with eachother again. Let grandma/aunt/babysitter look after the baby for a few hours and have some fun together. Don't do it just once, but more often. And ofcourse... comunication... very important.

    Hope you can find trust again and work things out. I know it's hard but try to begin with a clean slate.
    Big hug my friend

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    My friend it isn't what you are or not doing. Don't take the hit for his behavior. I'm no expert but he has issues that belong solely to him. I wonder if you are able to dicuss your concerns with him. Alittle porno is not a big deal. Men especially seem to have unrealistic fantasies. Now if its tons of porno I could see why thats freaking you out. You are enough and don't you dare allow someone to make you feel you are not. This is HIS issue.
    In my case my ex had issues that I had concerns about but refused to discuss them. 7 wks ago I broke it off. He would turn things around making me feel guilty for what I was feeling. 'm still in alot of pain but I rescued my dignity. I wish you luck but honey its not you, trust me. peace

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    ColeOlivia,

    Hello and welcome to theLoveLogic. Great to have you with us. If you look at his behavior ONLY, it's definitely not you. It looks as if sex is him MAIN priority. You may give him what he wants but it isn't enough apparently. I am sure you are willing to "give him what he wants" but my point is based on the "if he was happy with what he had why is he looking elsewhere" mentality. He cheated on you once before and I am very sorry to heart that.

    Why do you think he cheated? Please answer this based on what YOU think...NOT what he told you. I would like to ask you if you think he is sorry for cheating or is he sorry for GETTING CAUGHT.


    There is a huge difference.


    Did you ever think by giving him what he wants AFTER he has been caught cheating give him the upper hand in his eyes? Think of it this way. He just got caught cheating. Though you may be weary about trusting him, your actions are telling him you didn't care he cheated because you are giving in to his sexual needs in order for you to feel close to him.

    Does this sound accurate? If this is not the case, please correct me. I would suggest looking at what it is you want and EXPECT from him. Being close to someone is NOT LOVE. Is it sex or love you are after?

    Now...take the same question above and try to answer it from HIS point of view.



    Actions speak louder than words...




    Your Friend,



    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Thank you everyone for your concerns, things can be awful sometimes. I really do love my boyfriend, we have a son together, and it's been almost a year since I found out about the cheating. The cheating started two weeks after our son was born. It was awful being home by myself with a new baby, knowing his father is out with another girl. It was very hard doing everything, learning to take care of a baby on my own, I felt abandoned. It went on for 3 months and finally I had the proof I needed. I left but came back in a few weeks. I still feel like I just let him get away with it. But he has changed a lot. He is a great father now and be actually helps around the house. The trust is slowly coming back but I'm still very unsure. I don't understand why he did this to me, I never gave him any reason to need more, I have always loved him, I have never denied him anything, whether I like it or not. I gained about 5 lbs since the baby but I only weigh 120 lbs, I don't understand why he would want someone else. I'm not perfect in anyway but I try like hell to be for him. I just don't understand why he did it, he tells me that he doesn't know why he did it, he is sorry, and it was a huge mistake. I told him if he could just give me a reason I may be able to get over it but he can't give a reason. I just don't know what to think.

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    Cole,

    It's not about you....it's about him. Quit taking the blame for HIS issue ok?

    We are here for you.



    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Thank you, everyone has been so helpful and nice, it means a lot to me. I really don't have anyone except the boyfriend and talking to him about these issues has become pointless, thanks for being here

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    Thanks for joining ColeOlivia...


    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Just a little advice from my perspective. Unless he's a porn-addict, as in it is something compulsive that affects other things around him, it isn't really an issue. Both men and women masturbate/seek sexual pleasure outside of their normal sex lives, it's just an issue of "me time".

    As for him cheating, and this isn't to make you feel at all uncomfortable, most men will cheat because they are not being emotionally fulfilled within the relationship (same for women). It has a lot less to do with sex than many people tend to want to believe. When he says he "doesn't know why" he could have honestly been emotionally strung out at the time (confused). In no way am I attempting to justify his actions, these are just a few ideas.

    Several others have already told you to stop analyzing yourself...but I must disagree on a small scale. Self-evaluation can be a very good thing, and the potential to lean new things about yourself is almost endless. However, you do not want to get to the point of obsessing over it, which it seems you are doing a bit. Cheating or not, a relationship ALWAYS requires TWO people, if something goes wrong it's very rarely ever ONE person's fault.

    I think it may be a good idea to sit down and have a long, open conversation with each other. In agreement with superdave it does seem that the issue was kind of just pushed aside and never really resolved. A simple "i'm sorry" usually isn't enough to get rid of that kind of emotional pain. Wish you the best, don't be a stranger around here.
    " Manifest plainness, Embrace simplicity, Reduce selfishness, Have few desires "

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    I have talked with him, he isn't much of a talker but I try very hard to get him to open up. I have thought about it do much and you are right I am a bit obsessed. I can't watch tv or listen to the radio without a constant reminder. I thought maybe it was something I did bit I honestly never gave him any reason to cheat. I thought maybe it was because he freaked out after the whole having a baby thing but he says that's not it. I asked him if I did something and he says no to that as well. I've told him a billion times to please just tell me why because if I knew then I could probably finally get over it but he just says he doesn't know why he did it

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    Well, he honestly might not know why or have a good reason to give you, but there is a reason even if he may be able to pinpoint it. Something caused this, and it's not something that should be ignored. It's obvious you want to talk and try to make things better for the relationship and for yourself. Not to be harsh but he needs to get over himself when it comes to opening up. You have a child together, both of you need to set a good example and be adults. I think effective communication is hands down the single most important part of a relationship, without that everything else kind of falls to pieces.

    It seems to me that he doesn't value you as much as he should, or he would be more willing to talk and give some more valid reasoning other than "I don't know". One thing I don't want YOU to do is to blame yourself because it's obvious you are willing to put in the effort. If you talking to him doesn't help, maybe some counseling would be a good idea? Having a mediator share their point of view might help him feel more comfortable discussing these issues, he could very well feel threatened when you want to talk to him one-on-one.
    " Manifest plainness, Embrace simplicity, Reduce selfishness, Have few desires "

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    Hi, ColeOliva, and welcome!

    Cheating is an extremely difficult thing to forgive and forget - I'm not sure if it's ever really possible to do so. I agree with what Leinad has said - while he may not be able to give you a reason for cheating, there still is one.

    From what you've told us so far, it seems that you have given him what he wants, whenever he wants is. Does he do the same for you? He does not seem to be doing so, since you're so troubled by your relationship with him. Is it as important to you whether or not he does, or are you simply trying to keep him from cheating again? Do NOT put yourself second in this relationship. It's natural for us to want to love and please our partners, but the less we take care of ourselves, the less able we are to do that. I would have to agree that his cheating most likely has very little to do with any sort of sexual unfulfillment with you. There is something else going on there, but since I don't know the guy, I can't really throw out any suggestions.

    My concern is that you're allowing yourself to cater to his needs while neglecting your own. Doing this makes it easier for you to be taken advantage of, and you run the risk of losing yourself in the relationship. Do not allow yourself to fall into that trap.

    I think the possibility of a counselor is a good idea, although many people are very obstinate when it comes to couples' counseling. More often than not, though, a break up happens fundamentally because of bad communication. Something is not getting through, someone (or both people involved) are not articulating what needs to be articulated effectively. Things are not being heard they way they need to be heard. If your boyfriend is just as willing to work this out as I know you are, then I doubt he'd be opposed to such an idea.

    Also, I woldn't worry about the porn thing unless it gets to the extent where it disrupts his everyday life. Even when I am in a relationship and having sex regularly, I'll still want a "snack between meals," as it were. It has nothing to do with you - you're aren't doing anything wrong or disappointing him in bed. It's not that you're "not enough" for him. Porn serves a lot of purposes - a way to become aroused, a sort of "instruction manual," a way to get some new ideas, etc. - but it does not REPLACE sex. Again, if it seems to be conflicting with his daily life, or he suddenly seems to forego actual sex to porngraphy, then he may have a problem. If not, then I'd just chalk it up to a guy who really likes his porn.

    Again, welcome to the board, and please keep us posted on how things are going!
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    thank you so much for all the advice and being here to talk to. I'd love to try a counselor with him but I don't think he would go and I'm also not sure we could afford it. Things are very tough with this economy and raising a child. We basically live our lives as if the entire thing never happened. He gets angry when I bring it up because it was almost a year ago. He says he is sick of hearing it.. So I really don't bring it up anymore, I guess he is right that I should be over it by now but it is just so hard to forget. Especially with all the songs on the radio and all the stuff on tv. I'm just glad to see that there are other people out there that understand where I am coming from and that I can actually talk to someone now rather than just keeping everything to myself. Thanks so much!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by ColeOlivia View Post
    I guess he is right that I should be over it by now but it is just so hard to forget
    The fact is you AREN'T over it, and he needs to respect that and be willing to talk about it. Cheating is never something that should be taken lightly in a monogamous relationship because if the issues that led to it are not resolved it could very well happen again. If it continues to bother you, you bring it to his attention and it gets pushed aside again and again it will just continue to fester and get worse.

    On the flip-side of the situation, perhaps some forgiving and forgetting may be in order as difficult as that may be? Living in the past is never a good thing as it will hold you back from living RIGHT NOW. I will say (from my point of view) that he doesn't seem to regard your feelings as he should. It's really not about you and him, but more about your child. Parents need to be in a healthy space both mentally and physically in order to provide a healthy atmosphere for their children. Just some things to think about, hang in there!
    " Manifest plainness, Embrace simplicity, Reduce selfishness, Have few desires "

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